Depression is ruining my life.

We are here, there, and everywhere, Boog!

I had a significantly negative event happen yesterday. It triggered something in me. Panic attack or OCD episode... I’m not sure what to call it. Inability to fall asleep. Once I did sleep I slept hard for almost 5 full hours. Which should be enough. I don’t think i would ever do harm to myself but the George Bailey gambit would be tempting if it was possible. You know. To just choose to have never existed.

Hang in there Rawk. We're here for you if you need to write more, either here, or via DM

Sorry, Rawk. Let us know if you need anything, but if it helps you should know that the way you feel will definitely pass. You have to breathe through it and ignore those kinds of thoughts as best as you can.

Aww Rawk, hope things start turning around a bit. Those negative events can be pretty awful.

Have had a negative event happen earlier today that is causing me lots of stress. I feel like someone in the churches I've been appointed to has been emotionally abusing me for a few months now, but there is just enough truth in the accusations to make me doubt that it's her and not me just being incompetent because I'm new, and because she's someone I'm supposed to also be giving pastoral care to as part of my job (and obviously failing due to the constant criticisms, potshots, and sometimes outright mean-spiritedness), I can't just completely avoid contact with her.

Here is a big problem that I seem to have and the "event" I wrote about previously just brought it to mind because it's something that has been happening probably all my life, or at least since last I can remember. I find that I am afraid to to be *too* happy or to feel *too* much joy about any given thing because it seems like whenever I finally reach that state of mind, that's precisely when the rug gets yanked out from under me, and it seems to happen EVERY SINGLE TIME.

For example, today I was feeling ahead of the game. Was up early and motivated to get things done, and had gotten a lot done yesterday. I was ahead or on time in getting things prepared for this weekend and had done visitations, checked up on people, etc. Things seemed to be going well overall and it was looking like it would be a very good, relaxing, relatively stress-free productive day, barring something like a sudden emergency.

And then I get a call from my district supervisor about the above and the only thing I've managed to do all day was eat and go to the store, and I've felt anxious and "weepy".

So I'll get through this like I've done all of the other times and it will just happen again, so it seems my learned behavior is to shy away from *too* much feelings of happiness since I have this internal "thing" that it's just going to trigger another "event".

The whole thing seems kind of depressing.

I don't know why I let things affect me like this. I feel like I'm just too sensitive, so either I end up putting up these barriers all over the place and steeling myself against anything that might hurt me, or I get like I've been today and too anxious or despondent to do the things I need to do.

I'm extremely close to deleting this post, so will just close my eyes and click "post" now.

bekkilyn wrote:

Here is a big problem that I seem to have and the "event" I wrote about previously just brought it to mind because it's something that has been happening probably all my life, or at least since last I can remember. I find that I am afraid to to be *too* happy or to feel *too* much joy about any given thing because it seems like whenever I finally reach that state of mind, that's precisely when the rug gets yanked out from under me, and it seems to happen EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I know that feeling all too well. I actually think it might be a built-in f*ck you from our brain weasels as a reaction to my coping mechanism to the bad times. When things get bad (especially when they aren't bad, but I feel like they are) I can usually convince myself that it's just terrible now, and things will get better. If they don't get better, there's always suicide as an option, but if I can drag myself through the current misery/apathy, things should get better. I know that when I feel like things are OK I don't have as much existential dread about them ending, but when I'm feeling really happy there is always that knowledge that it will come crashing back down.

Atras wrote:
bekkilyn wrote:

Here is a big problem that I seem to have and the "event" I wrote about previously just brought it to mind because it's something that has been happening probably all my life, or at least since last I can remember. I find that I am afraid to to be *too* happy or to feel *too* much joy about any given thing because it seems like whenever I finally reach that state of mind, that's precisely when the rug gets yanked out from under me, and it seems to happen EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I know that feeling all too well. I actually think it might be a built-in f*ck you from our brain weasels as a reaction to my coping mechanism to the bad times. When things get bad (especially when they aren't bad, but I feel like they are) I can usually convince myself that it's just terrible now, and things will get better. If they don't get better, there's always suicide as an option, but if I can drag myself through the current misery/apathy, things should get better. I know that when I feel like things are OK I don't have as much existential dread about them ending, but when I'm feeling really happy there is always that knowledge that it will come crashing back down.

This all sounds pretty similar to my current conundrum as well.

In my mind I’m always “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” In this current situation I was starting to believe that the other shoe might not drop this time. It still hasn’t yet, but I’m in it’s shadow and feel like I’m going to get squished under it at any moment.

I also tend to overthink things. And sometimes I think in symbols and symbolism. And I think that adds to the dramatic affect of what I’m dealing with.

Stay strong everybody. It was good to hear some encouraging words. Thanks.

I grew up with a very negative, pessimistic, verbally abusive father. As such, I became very negative as well. Mercifully I avoided being verbally abusive, but by a very early age I was also very negative, pessimistic and always assumed the worst.

I decided when I started having really bad episodes of ideation, etc. that the only way out of this was to try and be less negative. To literally rewire myself to be positive (when possible). So I've been focusing a lot on mindfulness and specifically the exercise where you label negative thoughts as just your brain thinking thoughts.

I'll literally walk around (going for walks seems to be the best mindful exercise for me to engage in) and as those kinds of thoughts enter my mind I'll literally say to myself, "That's just thinking" or, "Look at my brain, doing that thinking again".

It sounds corny, and it definitely doesn't work when things are going badly. But when things are going well it's helped me to start training my brain to disregard these kinds of thoughts.

It's the only thing I've found that works outside of therapy and some medication.

bekkilyn wrote:

I don't know why I let things affect me like this. I feel like I'm just too sensitive, so either I end up putting up these barriers all over the place and steeling myself against anything that might hurt me, or I get like I've been today and too anxious or despondent to do the things I need to do.

It's difficult to find and maintain a balance between the two. The moments of steel benefit the short game. It leads to isolation and pessimism, though. There's eventually no where to go. The moments to feel benefit the long game. It can lead to crashing hard and anxiety, though. Too much. Sensory overload. The former reduces the opportunities for others to negatively impact on your life. Good! The latter increases the opportunities for others to positively impact your life. Good! Trying to counterbalance self preservation with shared experiences is something I've struggled with.

I believe I have improved in ways similar to what DSGamer mentioned. I've attempted to rewire my being with a focus on what I can control as oppose to what I cannot, and to take a step back for conscious reflection on the subconscious thoughts I may be experiencing.

I've curated coping mechanisms as subtle as limiting where I spend time, and how long, whom I choose to engage with, and how, as well as feeling confident, and entitled, to refuse where and when I so choose. The latter has been a revelation. Much of my unhappiness was rooted in others leading me down paths I wasn't comfortable with, nor beholden to follow. I was a people pleaser. I was a problem solver. Whatever was put in front of me, whether it was my responsibility or not. It was such an unhealthy role to occupy. Shedding that has been like being born anew. I learned to channel positive vibes when declining a proposition. I learned to be subtle when no explanation was necessary. I learned to jettison from my thought process once the interaction was complete.

bekkilyn wrote:

I'm extremely close to deleting this post, so will just close my eyes and click "post" now.

I'm glad you did! We're all trying to map these intricacies of ours out and every contribution helps.

Work has wiped me out this week, so I don't have much to say, but I feel a lot of what's been said here. Stay strong, friends.

RawkGWJ wrote:

I don’t think i would ever do harm to myself but the George Bailey gambit would be tempting if it was possible. You know. To just choose to have never existed.

I have these thoughts too. I sometimes just want to stop existing... it would be so much easier. I learned recently that this still counts as a form of suicidal ideation, so this is a reminder to take care of yourself, and talk to your therapist about it if you've got one.

And keep in mind how that movie goes for George. You never know what lives you've touched.

Bleargh. On the down hill run of my reandron cycle. Got my next injection in a week. but the last 6 weeks since Nan died have been filled with low grade malaise and significant emotional eating.

IMAGE(https://memegenerator.net/img/instances/72869900/i-eat-because-im-unhappy-and-im-unhappy-because-i-eat.jpg)

A friend sent me a picture of "Endgame Thor" and joked that it was me. My response was:

"Yup. I'll own it. Depression, grief, PTSD, emotional eating. All the things that lead to an amazing Thor like Dad bod."

So blah. had my vent. Better put my Pagliacci makeup back on and get back into it

ActualDragon wrote:
RawkGWJ wrote:

I don’t think i would ever do harm to myself but the George Bailey gambit would be tempting if it was possible. You know. To just choose to have never existed.

I have these thoughts too. I sometimes just want to stop existing... it would be so much easier. I learned recently that this still counts as a form of suicidal ideation, so this is a reminder to take care of yourself, and talk to your therapist about it if you've got one.

This is why I won’t allow myself to own a gun. I can honestly say that I might not be alive today if I did. A medication that I was taking for nerve pain had a small chance to make some people suicidal. Of course I just had to be in that group.

On the most recent episode of the Reply All podcast they had a short segment about depression. I learned that NOT all people have suicidal thoughts from time to time. I was under the impression that all people did.

I've gone nearly a year without a PTSD episode. I've had bouts of depression and anxiety, but I was pleased with the fact that I had my PTSD under control. Until this morning, when I'm struggling to keep it together. I'm at work, surrounded by people who don't know me and don't know about this sh*t. The most frustrating part is that there's no reason for it. No trigger, no inciting incident. Just on my way to work and now I smell smoke and feel like I'm coming apart. What the hell.

Hang in there everyone!

Hugs to you all <3

RawkGWJ wrote:

I learned that NOT all people have suicidal thoughts from time to time.

...huh.

Learn something new every day!

I still have suicidal ideation, even when I'm not feeling especially bad. Kind of wonder how much of that is just programmed or genetic predisposition. Thankfully my life is going quite well at the moment. And by that I mean that I am still able to pedal to work. I'm very good at forgetting my problems when I'm on my bike. Thank god for that invention!

There’s this thing that happens to me. I’m guessing there’s a name for it but I don’t know what it’s called. It only happens 3 or 4 times per year.

Sometimes a stressful situation will “trigger” this. I will get incredibly upset and/or angry and I can’t easily cool down. It feels like an emotional response, but it’s way out of proportion for the situation. My breathing becomes fast, heavy and erratic. Every few minutes I’m compelled to take in a big breath of air and expel a heavy and forced sigh. But it’s not really a sigh. More like a big exaggerated breath.

This lasts a long time and won’t just go away on its own. I use to let this continue until I was completely exhausted and then fall into a deep sleep. Usually mindfulness meditation will NOT help this. Other things that do NOT help: playing a game, reading, watching video. Going for a walk helps. A run helps even more. Other things that help: doing dishes, folding laundry, and other forms of cleaning house. I have to give that energy somewhere to go, or it will keep burning me up from the inside.

I asked a therapist if this was a panic attack. He said probably not since dizziness wasn’t one of the symptoms. He said it was most likely an OCD episode, but I think he might have been reading too much into the house cleaning aspect. It’s not that I’m obsessing about the state of the house, it’s that I need a constructive outlet for all of that emotional energy.

Do any of you have an opinion about what this might be?

An anxiety attack was my highly uneducated guess, but I'm doubtful about that as well, since anger doesn't seem to be one of the classical symptoms. Mindfulness meditation is one thing that is recommended for that, but it not usually helping maybe just means you aren't able to focus enough - like you said, you seem to have to get the energy out.

I've gone the cleaning route many times as well - having an immediate, tangible result of my work is a good feeling. Going for a walk could be interpreted as another form of mindfulness in a way.

But...IANAD.

RawkGWJ wrote:

There’s this thing that happens to me. I’m guessing there’s a name for it but I don’t know what it’s called. It only happens 3 or 4 times per year.

Sometimes a stressful situation will “trigger” this. I will get incredibly upset and/or angry and I can’t easily cool down. It feels like an emotional response, but it’s way out of proportion for the situation. My breathing becomes fast, heavy and erratic. Every few minutes I’m compelled to take in a big breath of air and expel a heavy and forced sigh. But it’s not really a sigh. More like a big exaggerated breath.

This lasts a long time and won’t just go away on its own. I use to let this continue until I was completely exhausted and then fall into a deep sleep. Usually mindfulness meditation will NOT help this. Other things that do NOT help: playing a game, reading, watching video. Going for a walk helps. A run helps even more. Other things that help: doing dishes, folding laundry, and other forms of cleaning house. I have to give that energy somewhere to go, or it will keep burning me up from the inside.

I asked a therapist if this was a panic attack. He said probably not since dizziness wasn’t one of the symptoms. He said it was most likely an OCD episode, but I think he might have been reading too much into the house cleaning aspect. It’s not that I’m obsessing about the state of the house, it’s that I need a constructive outlet for all of that emotional energy.

Do any of you have an opinion about what this might be?

It sounds like you are going for many days in a state of being "ungrounded" and the energy keeps building up and up and up within you until you get so full of it, it MUST come out in some form or fashion. So I'm thinking that maybe spending some time each day grounding and releasing *extra* energy would be helpful so that the energy doesn't continue to build up in unhealthy ways. So maybe something physical just like what helps you during one of those "crisis" days could be like a "grounding ritual" or you might sit for some time each day in a few moments of meditation imagining that you are a tree with roots digging deep into the earth and sending that extra energy back into the earth through your roots. Don't try to send it ALL or else you may have the opposite problem, but you must learn to recognize what is going on so you can balance it.

Howdy all.

I was doing pretty good since July or August when I got my CPAP. Actually sleeping every might makes a huge difference. No longer needed my medications to manage the wild swings.

Had a rough few months with purchasing a new house (in the span of like two months we went from the polar vortex freezing our toilet solid to water uncontrollably flooding our basement), rough partner stuff, and very ill patients.

Hit my breaking point and called up the VA. Luckily my good psychologist was still there and was able to see me quickly.

We’ve been focusing a lot on weekly processing framed through behavioral activation principles.

What I am very grateful for this go round is that I have a working relationship with a therapist who gets me.

Even with weekly sessions and a fairly robust plan, it still f*cking sucks. Yesterday was complete sh*t. But, in spite of that, I remained somewhat functional. I didn’t emotionally eat, I didn’t drink, and I didn’t stare into the Abyss for hours on end. I was just a moody f*ckbag. And that’s far better than how my typical Memorial Day goes.

Hi Reaper. Sorry you've been having such a rough time of it lately, but you're right in recognizing that you remained standing yesterday in spite of all your burdens. You're right to be proud of yourself for handling the situation better than you have in the past!

AUs_TBirD wrote:

Hi Reaper. Sorry you've been having such a rough time of it lately, but you're right in recognizing that you remained standing yesterday in spite of all your burdens. You're right to be proud of yourself for handling the situation better than you have in the past!

Thanks.

Reaper,

Congratulations on the new house.

AUs_TBirD wrote:

...You remained standing yesterday in spite of all your burdens. You're right to be proud of yourself for handling the situation better than you have in the past

Aus, this particular part struck me like lightning. What a wonderfully encouraging comment, thank you for sharing this and supporting Reaper.

It also was exactly what I needed to hear today, too. You're amazing. Thank you.

When you’ve struggled with anxiety / depression your whole life, starting to look for work is a real trip. LinkedIn is basically a haunted house filled with reminders of all the things that could have been if you were normal.

I just wrote about a super vulnerable article on Depression, Anxiety, and From Software games for GameCritics. I thought I'd share with you all.

DSGamer wrote:

When you’ve struggled with anxiety / depression your whole life, starting to look for work is a real trip. LinkedIn is basically a haunted house filled with reminders of all the things that could have been if you were normal.

Speaking from personal experience, looking for a new job triggers all my issues.

  • Anxiety and fear over being rejected
  • Impostor syndrome feeling like I'm never enough
  • The overwhelmed feeling of so much possibility out there
  • Then depression creeping in telling me that I'm aren't good enough for any of it
  • The disappointment when things that sounded promising went sideways
  • The sheer panic of standing in front of a room of people and doing whiteboard coding

For me it has been 6+ months of hell. At several points I "gave up" and just accepted my fate at my current role, but I'm so burned out, it isn't mentally healthy to stay here, so I got back out there.

I think I'm nearing the end of the road in a positive way. Now I just have to deal with the agony and insomnia as I try decide which of the offers to go with.

Best of luck, hoping for your sake it isn't as mentally exhausting as mine was.

Skraut wrote:

[*] Impostor syndrome feeling like I'm never enough

I really hate impostor syndrome. It is a big problem for me and regularly causes me a lot of stress.