Depression is ruining my life.

Ran into a neighbor in the garage this morning. She apparently ran into my (her words) "oh so lovely ex" last week. She tried to avoid her but failed her stealth check. Neighbor said I dodged a missile. Much more impressive than dodging a bullet!

The ex is living in lower Queen Anne, dating some chick, blah blah blah, other than "Oh her poor girlfriend".

More pertinent is that she is apparently thinking of going back to shul again. Crap.

From my earlier post, 7 hours passed until their mother got home from work. An additional hour for dinner. A 5 hour night shift, and then a return home, to a very, warm, shower.

13.5 hours total of holding it together, just, barely.

In the solitude of the shower, in the space between my breaths, I finally managed to find some quiet. Some peace, a moment of tranquility.

In the warmth, between breaths, I felt a lot. A lot of sadness, a lot of worthlessness. I wanted 'out', but realised there was still so much I wanted to be let 'into'. Realising this, having just wished for the other, I was made sad once more. Given the chance for joy, I was opting for sorrow.

And so we danced, in the warmth, in the moments between my breaths, an alternating current of joy and despair. Then I found resolution. At least I felt I still had a choice, and that's the one thing more important than the actual decision.

In an unintended coincidence, I emailed my therapist today. She still has her 'out of office' maternity leave message set to auto reply. If I don't hear from her by next week, then I'll try contacting one of the referring therapists she gave me if I needed anyone in her absence. It's time to go to work again I think, at least while I still feel there are choices to be made 'in there'.

I'll make a call to my GP too, see if I can get some non-drowsy mood stabilising compounds sorted. They have to be non drowsy. I can't afford sleepiness with my current hours. Might be short notice, but I'll see if I can get in on Saturday with them.

Goodnight GWJ. Thank you for being my audience in the void.

GN, my shul buddy offer stands, if you need DPS.

Monqui: sending well-timed mini breaks in your direction.

m0nk3yboy wrote:

Goodnight GWJ. Thank you for being my audience in the void. :nicekiss:

What you wrote was beautiful and true. When you don't feel you have a choice is when it can feel really grim. My wish for everyone dealing with depression is to get to a state where at least you realize there's some beauty to experience and thus a choice to make to continue to deal with the pain in exchange for experiencing the surprise and the beauty. That can also be a miserable place to reside at times, but it can also be good at times. I'm going to come back to what you wrote in the future.

m0nk3yboy wrote:

From my earlier post, 7 hours passed until their mother got home from work. An additional hour for dinner. A 5 hour night shift, and then a return home, to a very, warm, shower.

13.5 hours total of holding it together, just, barely.

In the solitude of the shower, in the space between my breaths, I finally managed to find some quiet. Some peace, a moment of tranquility.

In the warmth, between breaths, I felt a lot. A lot of sadness, a lot of worthlessness. I wanted 'out', but realised there was still so much I wanted to be let 'into'. Realising this, having just wished for the other, I was made sad once more. Given the chance for joy, I was opting for sorrow.

And so we danced, in the warmth, in the moments between my breaths, an alternating current of joy and despair. Then I found resolution. At least I felt I still had a choice, and that's the one thing more important than the actual decision.

In an unintended coincidence, I emailed my therapist today. She still has her 'out of office' maternity leave message set to auto reply. If I don't hear from her by next week, then I'll try contacting one of the referring therapists she gave me if I needed anyone in her absence. It's time to go to work again I think, at least while I still feel there are choices to be made 'in there'.

I'll make a call to my GP too, see if I can get some non-drowsy mood stabilising compounds sorted. They have to be non drowsy. I can't afford sleepiness with my current hours. Might be short notice, but I'll see if I can get in on Saturday with them.

Goodnight GWJ. Thank you for being my audience in the void. :nicekiss:

Many hugs and much love to you man.

Also, I don't know if this'll be much use, but I'll throw it out there anyway, as it's been stuck firmly in my head since yesterday after talking with my therapist. He's really big on acceptance and mindfulness, and yesterday we were talking about the way we as people tend to easily accept things that we view as either "positive", or things that are very obviously external to us, like the weather. But what he said that I can't get out of my head was to the effect of life not being good or bad. Sometimes, some things simply 'are', and we should strive to see things in our life as they are, accept them as they are, and deal with them as our chosen values would have us do.

But I'll be honest; I really have no idea how to make all that work. My gut tells me that it's really as simple as Nike would have us believe(Just Do It(tm)), but I don't feel like any of us would be struggling the way we are if it were that simple. Perhaps our difficulties lie in the execution? I know mine do. I suppose I'm rambling at this point, so I'll say something that makes sense again. I really do love you all. Thanks so much for all your support; there are days I wouldn't make it through without it.

That was just poetic Monkey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I know I'm not in the same boat as some of you when it comes to suicidal thoughts but I think everyone has them when they're going through tough times. I haven't actively been thinking about it but, for instance, when I was walking across the road at work the other day and a car was approaching the crosswalk I just thought if they hit and killed me that'd be an end to all the worrying. Of course when I hit moments like that I just try to remind myself of all the stuff I'm looking forward to. Naturally I've got watching my kid grow up but aside from that big one, I even have goofy stuff like wanting to try out the Occulus, seeing whether or not the new Star Wars movie will be good, going to Scotland or some Europey place some day. The things that can inspire you to keep going don't necessarily have to be life defining monoliths like true love, family, or some higher purpose. Heck, I'm even looking forward to see what they do with the next Mass Effect game and whether or not they make another Dragon Age (magic 8-ball points to most definitely). I mean, none of that is my reason for living but I'd still like to be around to see what happens.

Kehama wrote:

That was just poetic Monkey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I know I'm not in the same boat as some of you when it comes to suicidal thoughts but I think everyone has them when they're going through tough times. I haven't actively been thinking about it but, for instance, when I was walking across the road at work the other day and a car was approaching the crosswalk I just thought if they hit and killed me that'd be an end to all the worrying. Of course when I hit moments like that I just try to remind myself of all the stuff I'm looking forward to. Naturally I've got watching my kid grow up but aside from that big one, I even have goofy stuff like wanting to try out the Occulus, seeing whether or not the new Star Wars movie will be good, going to Scotland or some Europey place some day. The things that can inspire you to keep going don't necessarily have to be life defining monoliths like true love, family, or some higher purpose. Heck, I'm even looking forward to see what they do with the next Mass Effect game and whether or not they make another Dragon Age (magic 8-ball points to most definitely). I mean, none of that is my reason for living but I'd still like to be around to see what happens.

Actually, I'd wager you're in exactly the same boat as some of us. Or at least me. That kind of thing is something I've struggled with for a few years now, and according to everyone I've talked to about it in a professional setting, it's a passive suicidal thought. It's definitely more easily overcome than being actively suicidal(I've held on, after all), but it's by no means less serious.

AnimeJ wrote:
Kehama wrote:

That was just poetic Monkey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I know I'm not in the same boat as some of you when it comes to suicidal thoughts but I think everyone has them when they're going through tough times. I haven't actively been thinking about it but, for instance, when I was walking across the road at work the other day and a car was approaching the crosswalk I just thought if they hit and killed me that'd be an end to all the worrying. Of course when I hit moments like that I just try to remind myself of all the stuff I'm looking forward to. Naturally I've got watching my kid grow up but aside from that big one, I even have goofy stuff like wanting to try out the Occulus, seeing whether or not the new Star Wars movie will be good, going to Scotland or some Europey place some day. The things that can inspire you to keep going don't necessarily have to be life defining monoliths like true love, family, or some higher purpose. Heck, I'm even looking forward to see what they do with the next Mass Effect game and whether or not they make another Dragon Age (magic 8-ball points to most definitely). I mean, none of that is my reason for living but I'd still like to be around to see what happens.

Actually, I'd wager you're in exactly the same boat as some of us. Or at least me. That kind of thing is something I've struggled with for a few years now, and according to everyone I've talked to about it in a professional setting, it's a passive suicidal thought. It's definitely more easily overcome than being actively suicidal(I've held on, after all), but it's by no means less serious.

It's no less serious, but it's a survivable space to be in. At the very least you can make the bargain to live for the fact that life can be interesting and surprising. And maybe you'll have some good luck and things will get better. That may sound passive and pretty depressing, but it's a way to function if you've been severely depressed. It's a way to get through to tomorrow and the next day and the next day until perhaps things take a turn. It's better than the alternative.

It's better than the alternative.

This is pretty much how I look t it these days. Before everything got dropped on my shoulders a few weeks back, being able to go back home was what kept me going. Kinda hard to do that when you get a very pointed "I don't want you back here", so I trudge through the days that need trudging, crawl when that's all I can do, and if I can't get out of bed, so be it. And yes, it is as miserable as it sounds, but at least I'm still here, and at least I'll be here tomorrow.

Thanks to the IRC crew for letting me get my family rant on. You know who you are.

Thanks all. I have my eldest (6) to thank for that post.

I asked her what she did to 'relax and get to sleep at night, as I was having trouble with that'.

She told me to do something that made me feel good.

Getting my thoughts out is something I hadn't done for a while. It felt good reconnecting with that. I had a sound sleep too.

I think she thought I was going to play MarioKart

I'll also echo AnimeJ, when everything seems out of reach, I know you wonderful people are here for me, and that constant is f*cking gold.

m0nk3yboy wrote:

I'll also echo AnimeJ, when everything seems out of reach, I know you wonderful people are here for me, and that constant is f*cking gold.

QFMFT

Even when life is going great I find myself slipping into that passive suicidal ideation, Even just driving to work this morning I was thinking how running the car off the road would be an effective avoidance strategy to get me out of work. Really not feeling it this week, first week back after Christmas break.

Prozac wrote:

Even when life is going great I find myself slipping into that passive suicidal ideation, Even just driving to work this morning I was thinking how running the car off the road would be an effective avoidance strategy to get me out of work. Really not feeling it this week, first week back after Christmas break.

On the plus side, today is Friday, and allowing for time differences, you've almost made it.

(((((hugs))))) to get you there, then enjoy that weekend.

Had a call from my wife who's in a worse headspace than me, so when I get home I'm taking over childcare duty and letting her go out for some time away from the child (and me). Don't worry about how your feeling m0nk3y, totally natural.

I'm now in a place where I'm counting tiny ups and downs but overall I'm feeling okay today.

Pretty sure I'm going to need to avoid Facebook for a while though. The Mrs. posted yesterday "I've lost the moon while counting the stars." and then of course she gets some guy she met in rehab responding "Hey! Don't worry, there are a lot more moons out there!" And she just responded with "LOL! That's one way to look at it!" Innocuous enough but for some reason it rubbed me wrong. No reason it should've but I'm still coming to terms with how I'm going to have to relate to her from now on. I just kept telling myself that it doesn't matter, not my concern, she's not "mine" any more. Think it's best if I just keep my head down in that area for a while.

Also got a notice that I'd overdrafted my account yesterday, first time in over a decade. They charged $102 in overdraft fees for 2 $6 lunch purchases. I dug through everything over the last 2 months and it looks like $50 of $5 gas station purchases are what did it. They were all to the same gas station for the same amount which is what my wife would spend for cigarettes. I'm guessing here, but I'm betting she was taking my check card to go buy cigarettes without telling me. Eh, such is life. No biggie, just annoying. I think the last time I had an overdraft the fee was $25 per transaction so apparently that's not a thing any more.

But on the positive side! My birthday is Sunday and a co-worker just gave me $20 and told me to make sure I spent it on me, and only me. Think I might go see the last Hobbit movie by myself. I haven't gone to a theater in a long time and the last LOTR movie I saw in theaters was Return of the King. I'm actually looking forward to it.

Kehama wrote:

I'm now in a place where I'm counting tiny ups and downs but overall I'm feeling okay today.

Pretty sure I'm going to need to avoid Facebook for a while though. The Mrs. posted yesterday "I've lost the moon while counting the stars." and then of course she gets some guy she met in rehab responding "Hey! Don't worry, there are a lot more moons out there!" And she just responded with "LOL! That's one way to look at it!" Innocuous enough but for some reason it rubbed me wrong. No reason it should've but I'm still coming to terms with how I'm going to have to relate to her from now on. I just kept telling myself that it doesn't matter, not my concern, she's not "mine" any more. Think it's best if I just keep my head down in that area for a while.

I had the same kind of feeling. I wanted my ex to be happy, and if that meant dating other people, then it was cool. I had met the guy, suggested they go out, but when she went to his place to watch a football game it was brutal for me. Why couldn't she have done that with me before our marriage fell apart? Why is he good enough to try watching football when I wasn't? Not terribly helpful, but that's the joy of depression, isn't it? The strangest part for me was when I went on a couple of pretty good dates and I couldn't enjoy myself because I was still somewhat mired in feelings for my ex. I'm guessing a nasty, painful divorce would have made that part easier for me, but feeling disloyal to my ex is a pretty small price to pay to have my kids not in the middle of a turf war.

One tip on the divorce: try to find a mediator. Obviously, your results may vary, but having someone who knows the laws and is ethically not on either person's side help you both come to an agreement on how to best deal with the legal stuff can be a godsend. If you both go to a divorce lawyer, you (plural) are paying for 2 lawyers, both of whom benefit from the divorce being acrimonious. With a mediator, they are there to help make sure nobody gets screwed over, which is a result I think you want. As an example, my ex wanted alimony, but we both agreed that I should have the kids full-time; when the mediator heard this, she pointed out that alimony would almost certainly not cover the child support fees, so we both agreed to drop those requests.

Unfriend and block her on Facebook and other areas. It's for the best.

Edwin wrote:

Unfriend and block her on Facebook and other areas. It's for the best.

+1

Edwin wrote:

Unfriend and block her on Facebook and other areas. It's for the best.

Cousin did this under similar circumstances.

Edwin wrote:

Unfriend and block her on Facebook and other areas. It's for the best.

This.

mudbunny wrote:
Edwin wrote:

Unfriend and block her on Facebook and other areas. It's for the best.

This.

I've unfriended or blocked people for far less than a divorce. Sometimes it's healthy to limit what you know about people.

Also Kehama: Read as many of these as you can. http://goodmenproject.com/category/d...

I should have the kids full-time

Good on you!

I have had my boys full-time going on 6 years now and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Had another call from her at lunch today. Said she realizes she's messed up, that she's been selfish, that she would change and wouldn't I give it 1 more shot. Like I said, she knows exactly what to say. Of course peppered in this was her telling me she's basically had a couple guys already hitting on her but she's telling them she's still married. Yeah. So anyway, I pointed out why another go simply wasn't worth it, the whole trust issue, etc. She now wants me to go ahead and tell our kid tonight about what's going on and she plans on picking him up tomorrow and taking him to lunch so she can then talk with him. Fun.

*sheepishly sneaks in in the middle of Kehama's big problems*
*offers/requests group hug*
*shuffles out again*

Got hugs for you, Maq. Got hugs for all y'all. Hugs for miles.

Hugs, Maq.

Standing supply of Maq hugs deployed, with love.

Work on resupplying hug storage containment unit initiated.

Hang in there Brother, reframe what you can, and f*ck off all the rest.

CONSTRUCING ADDITIONAL PYLONS FOR HUGS