Depression is ruining my life.
This is a hard post for me to write, but I am doing it with the hope that maybe I will be enlightened. Just please bear with me and understand that this post is in no way intended to be melodramatic.
So if you can't guess by the title, I'm depressed. I'm 32 now and probably have been depressed for as long as I can remember. And as I get older it keeps getting worse. I can't concentrate like I used to, I can't hold down friendships (because I'm so critical), and I have no motivation for doing most things. I've even ruined multiple relationships with awesome women, well because I cycle back around to being depressed in a way that I'm barely functional.
Now if you've never been depressed let me explain what its like. Have you ever woken up and just not wanted to do anything that day? Like you couldn't really find the motivation? Well depression is sort of like that, not quite as bad, but ALL the time. So basically things that I sometimes think that I want to do, well its very hard to do them and I can't figure out any logical reason why. This of course makes me more depressed. And it removes my ability to really actually enjoy much of anything.
And of course I have image issues, rejection issues and lots and lots of issues. I'm pretty good at hiding them, but eventually after faking for so long I collapse. So I finally started seeing a psychologist, because well most people even when they care about you don't understand what it means to "just be broken". They don't understand that I can't will myself into being better.
I think some things that happened to me as a kid have definitely affected me, and I've carried it with me my whole life. But I'm at this point now when I'm 32 that I just don't want to feel this way anymore. This can't be life, this apathy. And I don't think I can do it alone, and so this is my sad plea for help to a bunch of people that I don't really know. Maybe some of you can relate or perhaps have gone through this yourself. And maybe I'll just get a bunch of people saying that I should just be able to fix myself.
But I feel like my brain is broken. I apologize if the post is not informative enough, but its a chore for me to even write it.