On the Zombification of Loved Ones

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I asked my girlfriend a question last night:

If I turned into a zombie, would you shoot me, or let me bite you?

This is a simple question. The hypothetical world it posits contains the following facts:

  • Her once awesome and lovable boyfriend is now a mindless, brain-hungry zombie.
  • She has a gun, and (implicitly) she is within firing distance.
  • If she does not promptly deal with the imminent zombie-boyfriend threat, she will be bitten and herself turned.

Now, I would hope that all of us here know the correct answer (and I shall not insult your intelligence by assuming otherwise). We are here to discuss her answer, which was thusly:

"That's an odd question. Zombies aren't actually real."

I leave this with you for a moment, to sink in.

Right then, sweetheart. Regardless of the supposed "nonexistence" of zombies, this is a hypothetical question. Assume, my dearest, that you are confronted with such a situation, and actually answer the question I asked.

"I would probably try to run away and hide."

...

What?

Honestly, I despair. Not only was that not in the list of options I gave you, basic zombie survival knowledge states that you do not run from a zombie. You will tire; the zombie does not tire. The zombie will pursue you relentlessly, shambling behind you at a constant pace, patiently dealing with any obstacles in his path in his attempt to reach his food source (viz. your brains).

I don't really know what to do here. The last thing you need in a zombie apocalypse is for your partner to be such a massive liability. She will undoubtedly look to me for protection, but given her gross ignorance of basic zombie protocol, what hope have I really got?

I think it's time for a new girlfriend.

Shoot without a seconds hesitation; then when all the bullets are gone, get bit and go have some fun.

Just don't tell her you would shoot her without hesitation. Otherwise you would really need a new girlfriend.

wanderingtaoist wrote:

Just don't tell her you would shoot her without hesitation. Otherwise you would really need a new girlfriend.

Sounds like she will be safe anyhow......no brains. I'm kidding, or am I?

I would hope that my fiancee would shoot my legs off, gain control of the situation and lock me in the garden shed with a number of video game systems.

Tigerbill, Floomi very clearly - and correctly - asserted that we all already know the correct answer. In fact, there have been multiple threads about it. Zombie preparedness is everybody's business.

That said, Floomi, your lovely lady love is not stupid (well... you might want to look into that whole confusion over the "hypothetical" thing), she just lacks training. It is clearly up to you to teach her the survival skills necessary to deal with this inevitability.

Furthermore, by teaching her how to deal with the zombie Floomi you will give her an even greater gift: the ability to whisper, "you trained me too well..." as a tear rolls down her cheek and she holds the gun to your moldering head.

Floomi wrote:

I don't really know what to do here.

Yes you do.

Floomi wrote:

I think it's time for a new girlfriend.

Or alternately, you can just make her watch Zombieland.

I asked my wife the same thing last night. She replied with "stop being a moron and wash the damned dishes".

I say Floomi should keep this chick around. In the inevitable event of Floomi's zombification, he'll have a ready meal to hand.

Well if its a loved one, the least you could do is offer a token "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tears would be nice but not necessary. In fact, the longer the zombie apocalypse has been going on, the less tears are called for, as the harder and more badass you are. However, that nightfall, you must make camp somewhere a fire is possible and must spend an appropriate amount of time staring at the picture of you two together at Six Flags or whatever. And if you're in a group, when the sensitive who seems like he/she hasn't been touched by all this madness and death comes up to you and touches your shoulder before sitting next to you, have a stupid little story that means a lot to you on hand to tell him/her and inform them that it is indeed stupid and little and means a lot to you.

It might be handy to have someone without a clue nearby in the event of an actual zombie apocalypse. You don't have to be faster than the zombie horde, just faster than the person you're with. And as Jonman points out, in the event of zombification you don't even have to go out for food.

I just e-mailed my wife this question, let's see how she does.

Grenn wrote:

Well if its a loved one, the least you could do is offer a token "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tears would be nice but not necessary. In fact, the longer the zombie apocalypse has been going on, the less tears are called for, as the harder and more badass you are. However, that nightfall, you must make camp somewhere a fire is possible and must spend an appropriate amount of time staring at the picture of you two together at Six Flags or whatever. And if you're in a group, when the sensitive who seems like he/she hasn't been touched by all this madness and death comes up to you and touches your shoulder before sitting next to you, have a stupid little story that means a lot to you on hand to tell him/her and inform them that it is indeed stupid and little and means a lot to you.

After which, you realize that a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders upon the telling of the story as you dramatically toss the photo in the fire.

16:13 <+Q-Stone> Yellek: If I was a zombie, would you shoot me or let me bite you?
16:13 <+Floomi> YOUR MARRIAGE RESTS ON THIS, YELLEK
16:13 <+Yellek> shoot you, but dammit if you're dumping me for the 'wrong' answer
16:13 <+Floomi> it's ok, you're safe
16:13 <+Q-Stone> Dang

Hmm, lets see what my wife says.

email sent

Paleocon wrote:

I asked my wife the same thing last night. She replied with "stop being a moron and wash the damned dishes".

I think, from what I've read, your wife would attack the entire zombie horde if it pissed her off enough. Then she'll make you do the dishes.

Vector wrote:
Paleocon wrote:

I asked my wife the same thing last night. She replied with "stop being a moron and wash the damned dishes".

I think, from what I've read, your wife would attack the entire zombie horde if it pissed her off enough. Then she'll make you do the dishes.

I don't think that a zombie horde, mindless as they are, would be stupid enough to attack his wife.

Wife emailed.

Well if its a loved one, the least you could do is offer a token "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

When did this turn into a David Tennant episode of Dr. Who?

I'm going to argue that the "I'd run away" argument isn't a bad one.

Good aerobic fitness is a primary rule of zombie survival. It's listed in Brook's Zombie Survival Guide and as rule #1 in Zombieland.

Given a severe infestation, we can take it as a given that we can't kill ALL the zombies. Therefore, the primary motivation should be survival, not killing. Kill zombies if that will lead to survival, but don't risk survival just to cap a few more undead.

So, running is, in my view, an acceptable strategy, provided one has a prepared bolt-hole or a predetermined plan to evade, find safety, resupply, and return to the fight.

I predict the responses we'll be getting from the SOs of Goodjers will break down thusly:

45% will say zombies aren't real and thus the question is irrelevant

21% will say they'll shoot, but be really hesitant and remorseful about it

17% will run

12% will do it without hesitation

4% will ask "What's a zombie?"

1% will say "Look, boogle, you're a nice guy, but I don't see this going anywhere anyway, so what does it matter?"

Rat Boy wrote:

I predict the responses we'll be getting from the SOs of Goodjers will break down thusly:

45% will say zombies aren't real and thus the question is irrelevant

21% will say they'll shoot, but be really hesitant and remorseful about it

17% will run

12% will do it without hesitation

4% will ask "What's a zombie?"

1% will say "Look, boogle, you're a nice guy, but I don't see this going anywhere anyway, so what does it matter?"

You missed an option. The one that keeps me from asking my wife this very question in fact. I'm fairly certain her answer would be to shoot now, just in case the "hypothetical" nature of my question was actually more of a "testing the waters" situation before telling her I'd been infected. You know, better safe than sorry and all that.

Hmm. I'd have put run above shoot, but my SO is the pansy, non-confrontational sort (as we have seen), so perhaps my assumptions regarding the behaviour of the fairer sex in such situations are biased.

Jonman wrote:

Wife emailed. :)

And she's responded:

Mrs Jonman wrote:

I would shoot "you". You would not be you.

Clever girl, that one, if a little frighteningly cold-hearted

Elysium wrote:
Well if its a loved one, the least you could do is offer a token "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

When did this turn into a David Tennant episode of Dr. Who?

Netflix instant works on my work computer. I've been going back through. I guess I should stop.

I texted my wife the question ten minutes ago and have not gotten an answer yet. I think they already got her.

mudbunny wrote:
Vector wrote:
Paleocon wrote:

I asked my wife the same thing last night. She replied with "stop being a moron and wash the damned dishes".

I think, from what I've read, your wife would attack the entire zombie horde if it pissed her off enough. Then she'll make you do the dishes.

I don't think that a zombie horde, mindless as they are, would be stupid enough to attack his wife.

Perhaps true.

I had barely finished asking the question before my wife answered, without hesitation: "I'd shoot you. In a post-apocalyptic sort of scenario like that, I'm going to be one of the people who lives, and you biting me wouldn't help that. Besides, someone has to take care of our son."

I married well.

My SO has never liked hypothetical questions, so I feel posing a hypothetical question where she has to decide whether to shoot me or not would not go over well. I fear I will never know the truth.

Oso wrote:

I'm going to argue that the "I'd run away" argument isn't a bad one.

Good aerobic fitness is a primary rule of zombie survival. It's listed in Brook's Zombie Survival Guide and as rule #1 in Zombieland.

Given a severe infestation, we can take it as a given that we can't kill ALL the zombies. Therefore, the primary motivation should be survival, not killing. Kill zombies if that will lead to survival, but don't risk survival just to cap a few more undead.

So, running is, in my view, an acceptable strategy, provided one has a prepared bolt-hole or a predetermined plan to evade, find safety, resupply, and return to the fight.

Absolutely. If many a game of Last Night on Earth has taught me anything, it's that running is usually the best strategy. Fighting will only slow you down and risk getting yourself mauled.

I don't need to ask my SO what her answer would be; Shoot me Pissed Off as Hell at Me for being stupid enough to let myself be bitten (God bless marriage).

I will not ask her because she's been very clear she'll be in a meeting for the next 2 hours, interrupting her with hypothetical situations with guns could very easily become real situations with guns... or a rolling pin, if you like 50's stereotypes.

Not trying to hijack the OP, my friends and I, after several hours of L4D eventually had "the talk"; when the Zombie Apocalypse finally arrives; who among your circle of friends would survive;

the only deciding factor is who has the blood cold enough to kill a "Significant Other, Now Zombie".

I'm worried that it was practically unanimous that I would be among the first to succumb because --and I quote-- "you're a total pansy".

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