Forever ago there was a thread where people displayed the little bits and bobs they had written. Recently there was a call for writers around here and apparently a bunch of people submitted stuff. I didn't submit anything because I'm not a writer, but I am a reader, and would like to read the stuff other people wrote. Rather than try to find that super old thread, which would be next to impossible to find at this point, I figured I'd start a new thread and then maybe people would share stuff they've written recently, whether it be stuff submitted for the call for writers dealy or something else entirely.
I wrote this.
MAX APPLESAUCE AND THE MAGICAL TRAGICAL UNICORN
As MAX APPLESAUCE sat at his desk with a crazed smile on his face like a man possessed, hungering for the taste of young, fresh virgin flesh and the acrid, coppery taste of blood, his new partner in his private detective agency, Festus T. Nipplefist, poured over various case documents.
"There has got to be a link betwen these murders," Festus muttered.
"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT!" MAX APPLESAUCE bellowed, his voice like creamy, chocolatey thunder sex! "WE MUST PURCHASE A CLOCK RADIO!"
"But we already have eighteen-"
"IT'S SO WE DON'T OVERSLEEP!" MAX APPLESAUCE exclaimed with the power to spay an ox! "TO THE CAR-MOBILE!"
MAX APPLESAUCE punched through the window and gradually slipped out, sliding down the side of the building like a slowly melting turd. As MAX APPLESAUCE reached his horseless carriage, he spotted something beautiful out of the corner of his eye, like an effervescent unicorn, white as a ghost covered in snow, and just as shiny and sparkly and pretty. YAY! Also, it actually was a unicorn. UNICORN POWER!
"WHAT'S UP!?" MAX APPLESAUCE shrieked.
The unicorn trotted over to MAX APPLESAUCE and said, "Oh, Mr. MAX APPLESAUCE, you must help me with your giant meat brain to solve a mystery most foul."
"Uh, yes. I'm afraid I don't have much money to offer you, but surely we can work out some arrangement," the unicorn uttered seductively, giving MAX APPLESAUCE a sideways come-hither glance.
With the force of a thousand dying suns, but in reverse, MAX APPLESAUCE's pants exploded off in a fiery hellblast, as thin strips of denim and a scorching hot belt buckle ripped through cars and people in a bloody, gory display of something that is happening that I just described to you so pay attention! MAX APPLESAUCE and the unicorn writhed and moaned in the middle of the street, oblivious to the world around them. Their beastial passion, sweaty and loud, permeated throughout the nearby city streets, causing beautiful grass, flowers and trees to violently burst forth from the ground, destroying buildings and killing people in the process, because that's what happens when you f*ck unicorns! Don't f*ck unicorns in cities!
Suddenly, the unicorn began to feel ill. She collapsed in a heap, groaning in agony.
"Oh no, Captain Admiral Doctor MAX APPLESAUCE, it seems I have the cancer!"
"YOU CAN'T DIE, POINTY HORSE! I LOVE YOU FOREVER!"
"I'm sorry," the unicorn whispered weakly, before her eyes softly closed and all remaining traces of life left her body.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!" MAX APPLESAUCE screamed at the top of lungs! "MY RADIOACTIVE BALLS HAVE KILLED AGAIN!"