A Letter to Movie Goers Concerning Theaters

Dear loud, annoying, sacks of, you know what? You don't deserve an intro.

Dear f*ckers,

Yeah, f*ckers. You know who you are.

This building we're in, that's called a movie theater. This is a place where people go to see films. Films are like pictures except they move and have sound. They are like really big and really long Youtube clips, and, instead of imbedded in your Myspace page, they play on that big white sheet in the front of the room.

We know where the front is because that's the direction all these chairs are turned, so that people can relax in a position that allows them to see the screen. The screen the movie plays on. Because they, and I, paid to be here and watch it. And when I say watch, I mean see, hear, absorb, understand, and interpret.

I don't mean look at the picture long enough to commit that ironic one liner to memory and repeat it to your friends immediately after hearing it like you're that first ant that finds food and rushes back to the hill to inform everyone that food does, in fact, exist.

Now, I don't expect you to understand that some people watch movies like other people listen to music or read books. And by music and books I don't mean Hannah Montanna, and Hannah Montanna's biography.

No, I don't know if she actually has a biography. I was just using an asinine example to illustrate, oh f*ck this!

Here is a list of things that aren't acceptable in movie theaters. Don't worry about why. You're too stupid to understand, I promise.

Number 1: Don't buy more food than you can handle when you are sitting down. You're going to be in that chair for, what, 2 hours? Maybe. Do you really need a large bucket of popcorn, a box of nachos with the cheese in a little cup right in the box, 2 hotdogs, a box of bunch'a'crunch, and three 92 oz. Diet Cokes? If I laid all that out for my dog he wouldn't be able to finish it in two hours. Because his body would violently force it back out of him before he was half-way through.

This is one of the only times during the day that it's critical that you not get out of your f*cking chair for a period of time, and you decide to begin your movie by wolfing down a large sack of junk that your body can't even begin to process as nourishment.

Now you've got to hurry down a flight of stairs in the dark while trying to hold in a good 7 pounds of waste that your body just basically refused to acknowledge as food.

Honestly, I don't know why I don't see more people in movie theaters tripping and crapping their pants during their tumble down the stairs.

Number 2: When it says "Silence your Cellphones" it's supposed to be a general statement about not USING cellphones. Not something that you can side step on a grammatical technicality.

I know that it doesn't seem like a big deal to send a "quick text", as I've heard it called, but, when you open your f*cking cellphone in the middle of a dark theater and I'm in the seat behind you, that 9 million candle watt beam you call a backlight shines out of your phone, ricochets off your fake lopsided tits and shoots right into my goddamn eyes.

Honestly, Dollywood, what f*cking world do you live in where something can be both urgent enough to interrupt everyone else and not important enough to take yourself outside at the same time? It's a movie. A MOVIE. Get your sh*t handled enough that you can go a couple hours without checking in with your dog's hair stylist every 5 minutes.

I remember going to movies and after I got out having to push quarters into a payphone to tell my mom to come pick me up. I'm guessing you're so far up your own butthole that you didn't even understand half the words in that last sentence.

Number 3: Stop laughing out loud when people are being attacked and/or tortured on screen. No Country For Old Men is not a comedy. If you can't handle the subject matter then leave. Don't chuckle and act all casual like what you saw didn't almost make you pee on yourself. Be a man and deal with the message, or get the f*ck out of the theater.

Number 4: If your foot touches the back of my head I will keep it.

Number 5: Don't take your f*cking kid to see f*cking Wanted at f*cking 11 PM. What is the matter with you?

What is the matter with you?

Are you really surprised that they are pitching a fit? It's nothing but gunfire and blood and shouting. Your kid isn't being a "dick." She's crying because she doesn't understand why she has to stay up and watch people being killed over and over and over again when all she wants is to go home and lay in her tiny princess bed and dream about being Dora the Explorer.

You are a f*cking psychopath, you know that? What you're doing is unbelievable to me, and I don't even like kids. This goes beyond kids. You are torturing another human being.

Yes, that's really what I believe you're doing. You're a sh*tty parent, and a sh*tty person, and I hate you. I hate YOU, for what you're doing, when it is so avoidable and unnecessary.

You can't go see the grown up movies because you had a baby? Tough sh*t. End of story. You had a kid, things change, get a DVD player and some headphones you worthless sack of crap.

Number 6: Don't wear your hat cocked to the side. You look like a walking turd.

Oh, I'm sorry that's a different letter.

Real Number 6: Go do something else. You shouldn't need a list. The theater isn't a diner or a f*cking 4H building. It's like a library, but one where everyone can enjoy the story at the same time and take the journey together. If you don't want to take a journey, or don't even know what that means, just walk away and never look back. This place isn't for you, and it never will be for you.

The only exception I will accept from this rule is teenagers trying to get it on.

It's dark and your parents aren't around, I get it. People got needs, I feel you. Just go in the back, please.

Don't f*ck so close to me that you rock my chair.

For the people that like my list, enough said. We are all on the same page. No instructions necessary.

For the people that might respectfully disagree with the ideals I was going for, go f*ck yourself. I hate you, and if you sit in front of me, I will kick you in the head hard enough to kill you.

Sincerely,
Chiggie Von Richthofen
Film Enthusiast

You can't go see the grown up movies because you had a baby? Tough sh*t. End of story. You had a kid, things change, get a DVD player and some headphones you worthless sack of crap.

No excuse for this. I didn't see the inside of a theater for over a year after my oldest child was born. There is a certain comfort knowing it is coming out on DVD and he's got to go to sleep at some point.

There is never a reason for little babies to be screaming or to have your 5 year old watching Hostel. Tough sh*t, see it when it comes to DVD.

Chiggie Von Richthofen wrote:
Honestly, I don't know why I don't see more people in movie theaters tripping and crapping their pants during their tumble down the stairs.

It's a shame really, as that would be more entertaining than, for example, watching I Robot.

I'm ever so glad the delay between theatrical release and release on Blu-ray keeps decreasing. I haven't been to a movie theater since early 2003, although that's mostly because I find the horrible sound and picture quality detracts so much from the experience vs. watching it in my theater. Dealing with humanity puts the nail in the coffin.

The cute thing that Shreveport does is whenever the popular theater gets crappy, they build a shiny new one.

I believe that movies are to be viewed in a theater. I didn't come because they have A DDR MACHINE IN TEH LOBBY OMG!!

lethial wrote:
Number 1: Don't buy more food than you can handle when you are sitting down. You're going to be in that chair for, what, 2 hours? Maybe. Do you really need a large bucket of popcorn, a box of nachos with the cheese in a little cup right in the box, 2 hotdogs, a box of bunch'a'crunch, and three 92 oz. Diet Cokes? If I laid all that out for my dog he wouldn't be able to finish it in two hours. Because his body would violently force it back out of him before he was half-way through.

You should add an extension to that: if you decide to buy that huge container of pop corn, carry it with care. It is not heavy! You have no excuse to shower the people near you with pop corn and grease because you somehow can't hold it steadily...

Even if there are no one around you, try not to spill, show some respect for people that work at the theaters and fellow movie goers. Would you be very happy to step through piles of pop corns and sit on even more of them!?


I had this happen. Had two tall, LARGE people sitting next to me, both with tubs of popcorn and apparently Parkinson's disease. I think if I really wanted it, and I could have had a free meal.

Number 1: Don't buy more food than you can handle when you are sitting down. You're going to be in that chair for, what, 2 hours? Maybe. Do you really need a large bucket of popcorn, a box of nachos with the cheese in a little cup right in the box, 2 hotdogs, a box of bunch'a'crunch, and three 92 oz. Diet Cokes? If I laid all that out for my dog he wouldn't be able to finish it in two hours. Because his body would violently force it back out of him before he was half-way through.

You should add an extension to that: if you decide to buy that huge container of pop corn, carry it with care. It is not heavy! You have no excuse to shower the people near you with pop corn and grease because you somehow can't hold it steadily...

Even if there are no one around you, try not to spill, show some respect for people that work at the theaters and fellow movie goers. Would you be very happy to step through piles of pop corns and sit on even more of them!?

Edit: Movie theaters are partly to be blamed for this too. Instead of charging ridiculous amount of money for pop corns, why not charge few cents less and NOT FILL THE CONTAINER AND THEN SOME!? It is hard to not spill when pop corns would start rolling down the little "mountain" of pop corns that tops every container!

I am usually pretty tolerant to things like this, but the last movie I went to, some lady decided to carry a conversation with her hubby while standing next to her seat, WHILE HOLDING A FULL CONTAINER OF POP CORN in a slanted fashion. So the person that sat in front of her got showered with pop corn, and didn't even notice (because she was leaning forward at the time).
The worst part is that the pop corn lady noticed what happened and didn't even care, she didn't even try to let the person in front of her know!

I mentioned in the Wall-E thread that I don't go to Megaplex theaters anymore and I felt kind of like a d**che for saying that, but your post covers most of why I'm strictly an independent/foreign movie theater-goer (besides the obvious preference for those types of cinema).

The disparity between your average teen/obnoxious megaplex patron and the courteous art-house patron is so wide it isn't even funny.

Oh yeah, did I mention that they serve alcohol there too? :p

Here's my local favorite.

http://www.landmarktheatres.com/mark...

Ugh, thanks for reminding me how much humanity sucks. I like going to the movie theatre but 7 times out of 10, I regret it. The douchebag father who has a five-year-old at a showing of Grindhouse. The woman who chooses to talk about her current office politics and then complains about how the movie isn't making any sense. (This stuff really gets me. There's a billion places in this city to go if you want to make small talk with someone, why people always seem to choose a venue that greatly discourages it is nothing short of being incredibly rude.) The inebriated frat boy in the back who thinks the audience paid for a live showing of Mystery Science Theatre 2000 as performed improv-style by the most unfunny, uncreative person on the planet. If you're the type of person who can't sit down, be still, and shut up for 90 minutes, then despite my feelings that something must be wrong with you, that's fine. Just choose somewhere else to spend your time, then. Christ.

It still surprises me that so many people seem to feel that the act of watching a movie in the theatre is social activity. Get a clue! Be social before the film and after the film. Between the previews and the end credits the only sounds I want to hear from the rest of the audience is involuntary reaction to the screen.

If we print out fliers do you think the theatres would distribute them?

You forgot one last thing, Chiggie.

When it's time to go home, just take your trash with you. Notice that giant trash can on your way out of movies? It's always there. Just bring your trash and dump it. It is ridiculous that you would just leave it at your seat, just so someone else has to throw it out. I mean, you are going to pass this can every time you leave. Why do you think it is there?

I have to admit, although I usually follow every rule in a theater, I was one of those people laughing my ass off at all the gory deaths in The Happening. There was probably some psychopath who thought the movie was actually good that was really pissed off at me. In my defense, it was either have fun with the movie or claw my own eyes out from the inanity of the script.

No Country For Old Men is not a comedy.

I beg to differ, sir...

Switchbreak wrote:
I have to admit, although I usually follow every rule in a theater, I was one of those people laughing my ass off at all the gory deaths in The Happening. There was probably some psychopath who thought the movie was actually good that was really pissed off at me. In my defense, it was either have fun with the movie or claw my own eyes out from the inanity of the script.

When something is just stupid, that's one thing. But when something really serious is happening and people start laughing because they can't really comprehend that something like that was possible, it's time to leave and go back to your fairy tale world.

It's like people think that if someone dies in a car wreck it's "dramatic", but, everything else is supposed to be a joke. Sometimes it's not dark humor, it's just dark. Part of growing as a person means you can tell the difference, and realizing that a movie can shift back and forth between those two.

Going to see serious movies lately is like sitting in high school listening to people giggle when we're trying to watch Hamlet. Laughing when Ophelia kills herself and not chuckling when Rosencrantz is being pushed onto a chopping block.

Number 3: Stop laughing out loud when people are being attacked and/or tortured on screen. No Country For Old Men is not a comedy. If you can't handle the subject matter then leave. Don't chuckle and act all casual like what you saw didn't almost make you pee on yourself. Be a man and deal with the message, or get the f*ck out of the theater.

Besides obviously hating parents who bring small children to the theater, I cannot stand when people choose to be obnoxious during key points of a movie. It's always during love scene, death scene or another type of emotional scene where these immature pricks need yell random crap and completely ruin the moment. I'm trying to get immersed here, you bastards.

Great letter, Chiggie. The theaters should force every moviegoer to sign off on it before allowing them to buy a ticket.

Our experience watching the otherwise-great Iron Man was nearly ruined by the jackass who plopped down next to us (in the 3/4-empty theater, natch). He'd brought in his 6-year-old daughter, which would be fine except for the fact that she had not even the slightest interest in seeing the movie.

Instead, she peppered her father with an incessant stream of questions about both what was going on in the movie, and life in general. "What's he doing?" "When's lunch?" "Why are they fighting?" "Is he going to be able to fly?" "Is there more popcorn?" On. And. On. And. On.

I can't blame the kid - she's just at that age where they want to find out more about their world. Her dad, though, was a real piece of work. Whereas a normal person would be mortified by their progeny bothering nearby adults, he instead took the opportunity to ANSWER ALL OF HER QUESTIONS. Not even in a whisper, no - in a normal speaking voice. "He's going to fight the bad guys, honey." "We'll eat when the movie's over." "The other guy is a bad guy", etc.

We were worried that she shouldn't be able to hear him over the big explosives/FX scenes, but luckily he was able to improvise by shouting over the soundtrack. Whew!

We eventually moved all the way across the row from him, though I could still hear them yammering away during quiet scenes. I think he got the message, as they left just before the movie ended, presumably to avoid the newly revealed Death Stares of the other patrons.

Combine all that with sky-high prices for tickets and snacks, and it's a guarantee that we won't be going back to the theater unless it's a virtual necessity.

On the rare occasion there is a film that interests me enough to drag me out to the cinema I'll normally go to the first showing on a Saturday (which is normally around 12pm). Reason for this : the place is almost always DESERTED at this time. (Unless it's some major blockbuster then there's normally only four or five other people in the screen).

I figure most people are probably going "lets have lunch first then catch the next showing" (that or "what kind of an idiot goes to see a movie at this time of day" )

Even when there is a lot of people, I don't think we quite get the same types of people going to the cinema over here (at least not in my area thankfully). I can't remember the last time I was bothered by anyone being overly noisy or obnoxious (and I don't think I've ever seen anyone overburdened with an abundance of snacky treats).

Speaking of which I make a point of NEVER buying any food from the place ever since they merged the ticket counter with the snack counter in a not entirely transparent attempt to get people to impulse buy snacks. It's the principle of the thing.

Number 2: When it says "Silence your Cellphones" it's supposed to be a general statement about not USING cellphones. Not something that you can side step on a grammatical technicality.

I know that it doesn't seem like a big deal to send a "quick text", as I've heard it called, but, when you open your f*cking cellphone in the middle of a dark theater and I'm in the seat behind you, that 9 million candle watt beam you call a backlight shines out of your phone, ricochets off your fake lopsided tits and shoots right into my goddamn eyes.

Honestly, Dollywood, what f*cking world do you live in where something can be both urgent enough to interrupt everyone else and not important enough to take yourself outside at the same time? It's a movie. A MOVIE. Get your sh*t handled enough that you can go a couple hours without checking in with your dog's hair stylist every 5 minutes.

I remember going to movies and after I got out having to push quarters into a payphone to tell my mom to come pick me up. I'm guessing you're so far up your own butthole that you didn't even understand half the words in that last sentence.

I never understand how people can't go 2 hours without looking at a cell phone. I can guarantee that what they're looking at isn't important. The worst is when they take a call during the movie. Makes absolutely no sense.

I've been checking out movies at off peak times (Monday night at 9pm or Friday morning's first show) and it's better but there are still morons.

Excellent post. You just made me realize that I haven't gone to see a movie in the theater for quite sometime excluding the awesomeness of Iron Man, which I saw during the week, at like 2:00. Everything you have mentioned I am glad I just don't deal with. I can wait for DVD for most things, and then I can enjoy the movie without others getting in the way, and I also don't bother others when i want to make a crack or two about the movie.

Aaron D. wrote:
I mentioned in the Wall-E thread that I don't go to Megaplex theaters anymore and I felt kind of like a d**che for saying that, but your post covers most of why I'm strictly an independent/foreign movie theater-goer (besides the obvious preference for those types of cinema).

The disparity between your average teen/obnoxious megaplex patron and the courteous art-house patron is so wide it isn't even funny.

Oh yeah, did I mention that they serve alcohol there too? :p

Here's my local favorite.

http://www.landmarktheatres.com/mark...

Absolutely! We have a few to choose from in St. Louis, including some Landmark theaters.

When my wife and I want to see bigger movies, this is the only place my wife really wants to go.
IMAGE(http://www.stlouiscinemas.com/moolah/pictures/images/5.jpg)

The Moolah Theatre and Lounge is located not far from SLU, and close to the lofts in downtown. The theatre has leather couches and love seats. You can also get bottles of wine, or any drinks from the bar located across the from the concession stand. They have end tables for setting the bottle on. It also costs the same as the megaplex!

It's also a great way to take you kids to movies like Harry Potter, or Pirates of the Caribbean. They show pretty much blockbuster type movies, but with only one screen, they do a pretty good job of picking the stuff their clientele likes, and then rotating to a new movie much sooner. The Incredible Hulk just ended, and Hancock starts today. They are doing Top Gun for midnight showings this weekend.

This is one of the most passive aggressive things I've read/heard/seen in a long while, but only in the best ways of course.

I went to see Wanted this past weekend and in the middle of a crowded 8pm Friday night showing, someone had the nerve to bring an infant. It was made worse by the fact that they thought that just waiting it out when the child was crying was an acceptable course of action. Wanted isn't a family movie!

Also, I hate high schoolers in my R-rated movies. I often find myself yelling at them for one reason or another.

We've just recently gotten an independent theater in our small downtown area. It's extremely nice but only shows a few independent films every couple of weeks, more than a few of which are foreign.

It's a wonderful experience but the lack of any mainstream movies makes our visiting sporadic at best.

I don't go to the cinema unless everyone else is. There is often very little enjoyment - from the atmosphere/audience/comfort to the film quality itself.

Andy Rooney has got to be close to his end by now. I vote for Chiggie to take his job.

Jayhawker wrote:
The Moolah Theatre and Lounge is located not far from SLU, and close to the lofts in downtown.

Man, that's one sweet-looking theater!

KillerTomato wrote:
Our experience watching the otherwise-great Iron Man was nearly ruined by the jackass who plopped down next to us (in the 3/4-empty theater, natch).

You bring up a very good Number 7: Apply to the movie theater the same rules applied to the men's room. Do NOT talk and stay the f*ck away from me. If you have a choice about where to sit (or pee) make it as far away from a stranger as is humanly possible. If there are 6 people in a theater that fits 600, do not sit down with one seat between me and you. You could have your own 6 row buffer (if you notice, there are 6 a minimum of 6 rows between me and the next closest person to me) but you choose to sit down next to me? That's it, when you get up to go to the bathroom, I'm making out with your girlfriend. f*cker.

After having worked at a 30 screen megaplex my senior year of high school, which brings up a good Number 8: If you bring a young child to an appropriate movie and you have to change said child's diaper, leave the theater to do the changing. If you're too lazy to leave the theater, please, I beg you, throw out the dirty diaper on the way out. We don't get paid nearly enough to throw out your child's sh*tty diaper for you. (Yes, that is a true story)

Another great letter Chiggie, completely full of win.

No Country for Old Men was awful.

I've laughed at my fair share of movie deaths. Sometimes I just can't help it. Remember that scene in the remake of The Omen where the babysitter gets hit by the car and flies into the air? Total garbage, but it was garbage we could all laugh at.

stevenmack wrote:
On the rare occasion there is a film that interests me enough to drag me out to the cinema I'll normally go to the first showing on a Saturday (which is normally around 12pm). Reason for this : the place is almost always DESERTED at this time. (Unless it's some major blockbuster then there's normally only four or five other people in the screen).

Same here; but I go on Sunday in the religious part of town. Those that aren't at home are still in church so the theaters are pretty much vacant.

Chiggie Von Richthofen wrote:
I know that it doesn't seem like a big deal to send a "quick text", as I've heard it called, but, when you open your f*cking cellphone in the middle of a dark theater and I'm in the seat behind you, that 9 million candle watt beam you call a backlight shines out of your phone, ricochets off your fake lopsided tits and shoots right into my goddamn eyes.

I've noticed that a few theaters have added a "no texting" line to inform said malcontents that texting does in fact disturb others.

Chiggie for President. That is all.

Chiggie wrote:
If your foot touches the back of my head I will keep it.

Chiggie wrote:
I hate you, and if you sit in front of me, I will kick you in the head hard enough to kill you.

Does that mean I get to keep it?

We went to see Kung Fu Panda. Last time to the theater was Return of the King. Coincidentally, my daughter is almost three.

Saturday mornings around here aren't bad. 10:30-11AM start times means you and the three other people in the theater can have a nice experience, or you can tell them off without much of an audience.

This is what we have in Austin. I understand they are expanding into other parts of Texas as well. All hail the Alamo Drafthouse!

www.drafthouse.com

It's 18 & up for every show. They have a nice mix of first-run flicks and cult classics. You can order a beer, or a pizza, or pretty much whatever you like from their kitchen and have it brought to your table. It's pretty much a jackass-free environment, but if Marty McDouche insists on talking believe you me the staff will throw his ass out with a vengeance. And everyone will applaud when they do.