Post a joke, entertain me! (Some may be NSFW)

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Lets do one of these for jokes. Post any good ones you hear or are sent. I'll start:

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the
gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and
introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you
were the one who invented the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and
pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he
said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of
woman?"

God said, "Yes."

Well," said! Arthur..., "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws in
your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too
much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied
God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."

"ANY QUESTIONS?"

What does God need with a super computer?

Nosferatu wrote:

What does God need with a super computer?

Nosferatu, you don't ask the Almighty for His ID!

Hear about the bulimic bachelor party?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

Why did the beach blush?

Because the seaweed.

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!

Never mind, here's a real funny tale that I posted back in this thread:

This was back during my father's navy days during the seventies when he was on a destroyer. They were in port in Australia on the day before they were to put out to sea again. During the time that he was officer of the deck (meaning he was officially in charge of the whole ship), the captain came back from lunch complaining that he wasn't feeling well and decided to lay down in his sea cabin off of the bridge (kind of like a ready room on Star Trek but with a bed). So, eventually, my dad goes down to the wardroom for a bit when the XO runs down and asks, "Do you have the duty now?"

"Yeah, why?" my father replied.

"Well, I think the captain's dead," the XO said.

"Are you f*cking kidding me?" Dad exclaimed. Since he was officer of the watch, most of the responsibility for handling the situation fell on him. So, he stormed out of the wardroom, back up to the sea cabin and knocked on the door. A gruff corpsmen answers, and my father asks point-blank, "Is he f*cking dead or alive?"

The corpsmen said that the captain was indeed dead after suffering a massive heart attack at the relatively young age of 39. So, good old Dad had to write up a sh*tload of reports, one to the Pentagon, one to CINCPACFLT, etc. To top that all off, Australian law dictated that if somebody died on a ship in port, the Aussies had to do their own autopsy, so they waited around for the local coroner to get there.

Dad (who on that cruise I think was the comm officer, if I remember right) and the XO scrambled to get the crew assembled on the side of the ship in their dress blues to see the captain off. As the corpsmen hauled the corpse down the gangplank, they all saluted in unison and the bosun's mate piped him off. The Aussies had driven by in one of those Ghostbuster-type ambulances. There happened to be a problem, however: the ambulance's length was rather short, and the captain was a good 6'4", so the door wouldn't close because his legs were sticking out.

To remedy that, a corpsmen ran back up the gangplank to my father and said, "Uh, sir, can you get the ship's company to do an about face?"

"Why?" Dad asked, dumbfounded.

"Because he's too f*cking big and we'd rather the crew not see us try to jam him in their," the corpsmen said.

Catching on, Dad ordered, "Company, Atten-shun! About...FACE!"

And he watched as the medical people repeatedly kicked the deceased captain's stiffening legs in to make room for the door. Wasn't exactly the most dignified way to leave a command.

Wow Rat boy. Just wow.

That's not a very good joke.

Hey, what's the deal with...

Airline food!

Politicians!

Ethnic and gender differences!

Ha ha!

A Scotsman joke:

An Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman go to the bar together, and each orders a Guinness stout. As they're preparing to take a drink, each has a fly land in his beer. The Englishman hands the beer over to the bartender and says "I'd like a new beer, chap." The American flicks the fly out of his glass and proceeds to drink the beer. The Scotsman grabs the fly by a leg, and shakes it over the beer, shouting "Spit it oot, ya wee bastard, spit it oot!"

Edited because Leaping beat me to the blonde joke

L'il something for our American friends:

What do making love in a canoe and American Beer have in common? They're both f*cking close to water!

Two teenage whales are out on their first date. They're diving, jumping, eating small fish and generally having a good time. Suddenly, the male spots the Japanese Whaler that killed his dear ole' dad when he was just a wee whale. He gets all worked up, and turns to his date: " That's the ship that killed my dad, I want revenge! Let's dive under it, blow air through our blow-holes and capsize it!"

His date, wanting him to like her, agrees. And so they do, and the plan works beautifully - the ship capsizes and starts sinking, all the crew jumping overboard for their lives. At this point, the male whale gets even more excited. " Now, let's eat them all up!" he calls to his date.

She, however, turns to him with a stern face and says " Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I am NOT swallowing any sea men!"

I like the Scotsman one Rubb.

A man heads to a local bar regularly, and every time he sits down he orders 3 beers at one time. After a few weeks of this, a waitress asks why he does not just order 1 beer at a time.

The man explains that he has 2 brothers and that they were extremely close, always heading down to the bar and getting beers together. Well, as their lives moved on and his brothers moved away, each of them kept this tradition alive by ordering 3 beers as they arrive at their favorite bar. That way, the brothers could always have a beer together even though they were miles apart.

The waitress found this rather sweet and passed word around the bar staff about this man's tradition. No further thought was given to it and the man continued to come in weekly and order his 3 beers at a time.

One day, however, he came in and ordered only 2 beers. As he sat, drinking the first of his beers, the bar staff feared the worst. Knowing what the 3 beers symbolized, they concluded that the man had lost one of his brothers. The waitress walked over and teary eyed told the man, "I'm so, so sorry for your loss."

The man looked confused at first, then seemed to understand. He chuckled and responded, "Oh, no it's not what you think. I've decided to stop drinking."

Since the only ones I can think of are the sort that really shouldn't be told:

off color joke wrote:

[color=WHITE]What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

nothing, you already told her twice.
[/color]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung~

What's long, brown, and sticky?

[color=white]A stick[/color]

Three female convicts - a blond, brunette, and red head - escaped from prison. In their attempt to be rid of the pursuit, they decided to hide in a barn nearby. In it they found three empty sacs, and being careful, they each chose a sac to hide in. Sure enough, the police soon followed their footsteps into the barn. Witnessing the three loaded sacs lying on the ground, the inspector in charge walked up and kicked one. As he did, the alert brunette within quickly let out a soft "meow". "A cat," the inspector concluded. He then moved to the next sac and gave it a stomp. Following the brunette's example, the red head in the second sac barked out. "A dog! How about this one?" wondered the inspector as he kicked the the third sac. "PO-TA-TOOOooo..."

*Check my sig for another one.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are on their way home from the bar late one night. As is their custom, they brought a few "for the road". They are driving down the highway when they see flashing blue lights up ahead, Boudreaux realizes it is a police checkpoint and tells Thibodeaux to pull the car over.

Thibodeaux tells Boudreaux, "Aw, cher, I don know how we gonna get out of this". Boudreaux says "I gots me a plan. Throw all the beer bottles out of the car, but two. Then follow my lead." Boudreaux takes one of the remaining beer bottles, peels off the label and sticks it to his forehead. Thibodeaux does the same.

They drive up to the checkpoint and the officer looks in the car and asks "Have you boys been drinking tonight?" Boudreaux says, pointing to his forehead, "Oh no cher, we done quit that, we on the patch!"

So an egg and a piece of bacon are in a frying pan, cooking up for breakfast. The egg turns to the bacon and says "Man, it's hot in here".

The bacon turns back to the egg and says "Holy sh*t, a talking egg!".

Nosferatu wrote:

Since the only ones I can think of are the sort that really shouldn't be told:

You and me both

offensive joke wrote:

[color=white]
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel
He hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks...

Can you put me upf or the night?[/color]

I am deeply offended by all the blond jokes in this thread

Quintin_Stone wrote:

What's long, brown, and sticky?

[color=white]A stick[/color]

Damn, you beat me to it.

magnus wrote:

I am deeply offended by all the blond jokes in this thread

Probably heard em all before, but anyway...

What do you call a Blonde with their hair dyed brown? Artificial Intelligence.

Why did the Blonde write T.G.I.F on the inside of her shoes? To remember that Toes Go In First.

Enjoying the off color & offensive jokes btw

A non-blond joke then.

Bakery A in town X is famous for its muffins. Every morning before the bakery opens, one can already see the eager muffin fans forming long lines in front. Of course, many people wish to learn the recipe, which, unfortunately for them, is a closely guarded secret. Many attempts have been made to sabotage the store in search of some sort of a physical copy of the recipe or any information that may shed light on the muffins' mysterious aroma. None succeeded so far.

Today's going to be different, though. A journalist of a travel magazine stopps by town X for a quick rest, but before he can move on he learns about the sensational stories surrounding the mysterious bakery. An experienced adventurer, the journalist decides to try his luck. With little effort, he sneaks past the guard and infiltrates the bakery. There, he finds the perfect hiding spot, offering both concealment and an excellent view of the whole place. Patiently he waits. Finally, as the clock strikes twelve, he hears footsteps approach. It's the baker, here to prepare for tomorrow's batch of muffins. The journalist watches closely, afraid of missing even the slightest detail. So there he sits, as he witnesses the baker putting lumps after lumps of bread under his left armpit, giving each a firm squeeze. Eventually it becomes too much for the journalist to take, so he decides to confront the baker about this horrible act. "Where are your ethics," questions the journalist.

The baker shrugs. "You think this is disgusting? You should visit the bagel place next door."

Thin_J wrote:
offensive joke wrote:

[color=white]
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel
He hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks...

Can you put me upf or the night?[/color]

25 points to whomever remembers what movie that was told in.

Thirteenth wrote:

The baker shrugs. "You think this is disgusting? You should visit the bagel place next door."

Finger --> Bagel?

25 points to whomever remembers what movie that was told in.

The Crowe
Brandon Lee tells the joke to .... the druggie after the druggie says "Jesus Christ" after shooting him and the hole regenerated.

Here's my joke:
Why did they nail Jesus to the Cross?

He forgot his safe word...

wordsmythe wrote:
Thirteenth wrote:

The baker shrugs. "You think this is disgusting? You should visit the bagel place next door."

Finger --> Bagel? :D

Yeah, finger, that's it!

Aries wrote:

25 points to whomever remembers what movie that was told in.

I think we're the only ones.

*edit*

Or not because Rainsmercy said it and I missed it. I'm retarded. It still makes me laugh though.

And Rainsmercy wins the round!
"Fire it up! Fire it up! Fire it up!"

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, floating in the water?

Bob.

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