'Need to chat'. *DDT* *Dead as a dodo*

That was awkward.

She's been going out with someone for three weeks.

They work together. They've known each other for three years.

She had to chat because she's got someome staying at her flat and her boyfriend is away for two weeks. So she could only meet me in that two week period.

The conversation included her saying 'Well, it's not like you're going to ask me out or anything'... And... *intakes of breath* I said "Well, actually I was."

To which she said "Well, even if you had I'd have said no, because I don't think of you like that anyway." (But she added that she liked speaking to me.)

Now I *know* the rational thing would to deny wanting to ask her out. But I find it very difficult to lie. I always have. Honesty has got me into trouble about all sorts of things. C'est la vie.

It ended with me saying that, instead of trying to find time to fit a drink or dinner in, she should give me a ring when she's sorted herself out. I.e. flatmate is gone situation is sorted out, she's got used to the new boyfriend situation and so on. I've got some stuff that's been occupying me at home too, so I said I needed to get that taken care of.

She obviously wants to remain friends -- she said as much -- but I don't expect her to call me in the near future. If she does, I'll probably just decline politely. I've no interest in hearing how her relationship is going.

Amusingly she only lives 15 minutes' walk away.

Fire her ass.

I intend to, mate. I somewhat regret just telling her there was no point in meeting again.

I'm gutted. It took me a long time to realise I wanted to ask her out. Shame I didn't realise sooner.

Anyway. Every so often (i.e. years) I meet someone I think has enough character to handle going out with me. Every few years I get a knock back or it goes wrong.

f*ck it. Like I drifter, I was born to walk alone.

1Dgaf wrote:

I intend to, mate. I somewhat regret just telling her there was no point in meeting again.

I'm gutted. It took me a long time to realise I wanted to ask her out. Shame I didn't realise sooner.

Anyway. Every so often (i.e. years) I meet someone I think has enough character to handle going out with me. Every few years I get a knock back or it goes wrong.

f*ck it. Like I drifter, I was born to walk alone.

I know this probably comes as no real comfort to you, but find a way to look nostalgically at the present. Enjoy and revel in your independence. You have the ability to do anything you damned well please now without regard for a "better half" that tosses cold water on your hopes and dreams.

Trust me. That counts for a whole lot.

Your period of blissful independence will come to a close soon enough. Don't hurry it along.

Paleo makes excellent points in his most recent post. Like he says, probably no comfort. I seldom enjoyed my singleness while I had it. Not that I'm not loving married life, because I am.

I don't remember who said this, but it stuck with me:

"You can have freedom, or you can have peace. You can't have both."

I think the main lesson here is to ask people out before you actually like them. If you wait until you know you like someone, they'll have had time to get bored of you.

1Dgaf wrote:

I think the main lesson here is to ask people out before you actually like them. If you wait until you know you like someone, they'll have had time to get bored of you.

Quite true. Ask them out when you realize they're hot, and THEN figure out if you like them. If you don't, don't ask for a second date.

Or, as Ladder Theory would have it, when you first meet a girl you should use your Novelty points whilst you still have them. If you get a date and she ends up moving higher up your ladder, that's about the best possible result. If she ends up moving farther down, oh well, it's good just to keep in practice anyway.

Fed,

I've only just got to know you, but I think there's some electricity between us.

If I'll be the plug, will you be the socket?

1Dgaf wrote:

If I'll be the plug, will you be the socket?

Careful, Fed! Have you seen those crazy-ass Eurosockets?

LiquidMantis wrote:
1Dgaf wrote:

If I'll be the plug, will you be the socket?

Careful, Fed! Have you seen those crazy-ass Eurosockets?

And those European appliances aren't compatible with our vastly superior 60 Hz alternating current.

1Dgaf wrote:

That was awkward.

She's been going out with someone for three weeks.

They work together. They've known each other for three years.

She had to chat because she's got someome staying at her flat and her boyfriend is away for two weeks. So she could only meet me in that two week period.

The conversation included her saying 'Well, it's not like you're going to ask me out or anything'... And... *intakes of breath* I said "Well, actually I was."

To which she said "Well, even if you had I'd have said no, because I don't think of you like that anyway." (But she added that she liked speaking to me.)

Now I *know* the rational thing would to deny wanting to ask her out. But I find it very difficult to lie. I always have. Honesty has got me into trouble about all sorts of things. C'est la vie.

It ended with me saying that, instead of trying to find time to fit a drink or dinner in, she should give me a ring when she's sorted herself out. I.e. flatmate is gone situation is sorted out, she's got used to the new boyfriend situation and so on. I've got some stuff that's been occupying me at home too, so I said I needed to get that taken care of.

She obviously wants to remain friends -- she said as much -- but I don't expect her to call me in the near future. If she does, I'll probably just decline politely. I've no interest in hearing how her relationship is going.

Amusingly she only lives 15 minutes' walk away.

A perfect case study of Ladder Theory in action if I ever saw it.

Now, just so I don't come off as a smarmy arse, I just went through the same bit, only with a twist. The girl I was interested in found another guy, and instead of taking the high road and letting me know, I got blown off for 3 weeks until I managed to get her on the phone only to hear that. 1D, I feel your pain, friend.

With that said, my recommendation is to move on and not worry about her. For me, staying friends in a situation like that is far below desirable, since it usually comes to you having to hear about the other guy. Even if that's not the case, you still have to deal with the fact that you'll never be more than a friend, which is, IMO, just as uncomfortable if not more so.

1Dgaf wrote:

Fed,

I've only just got to know you, but I think there's some electricity between us.

If I'll be the plug, will you be the socket?

Take the initiative, don't be a bottom! Smart thinking. Now, Fed must submit to your manly needs.

I think my friend said it best -

"There are two types of girls, those you sleep with and tell your friends about, and those you sleep with and don't tell your friends about."

Clearly the only response is to boil her rabbit.

Quintin_Stone wrote:

Clearly the only response is to boil her rabbit.

Down at the Ramrod Club.

1Dgaf wrote:

Fed,

I've only just got to know you, but I think there's some electricity between us.

If I'll be the plug, will you be the socket?

Perfect approach!

By the way, another note on the decision whether to be friends or not bother after getting shot down - more than once refusing to be friends has caused the girl to cave in and date me. I'm not bragging about this, because it was complete dumb luck that was driven by my sense of rejection. But it can work. I wasn't rude or anything. One said "Can't we still be friends?" and I said "Sure, we can be friends, just not friends that hang out."

If the girl is hungry enough for time with you and you show enough disinterest, she may well decide to go ahead and date you. This doesn't, of course, help much in situations where they have a boyfriend.

Fedaykin98 wrote:

By the way, another note on the decision whether to be friends or not bother after getting shot down - more than once refusing to be friends has caused the girl to cave in and date me. I'm not bragging about this, because it was complete dumb luck that was driven by my sense of rejection. But it can work. I wasn't rude or anything. One said "Can't we still be friends?" and I said "Sure, we can be friends, just not friends that hang out."

If the girl is hungry enough for time with you and you show enough disinterest, she may well decide to go ahead and date you. This doesn't, of course, help much in situations where they have a boyfriend.

This is so true.

What attention I've always managed to grab from the womenfolk has always come easier at times when I was generally showing some form of disinterest in them. I'm not sure what this says about me but I'm sure it's bad.

Either that or women really are just insane crazies whom no male will ever really understand.

I'm going with the latter for now. It makes me feel better

My wife freely admits to female craziness, and warned me about her own beforehand. She actually warned me that she's better to be friends with, because she's crazy in a relationship.

1Dgaf wrote:

It ended with me saying that, instead of trying to find time to fit a drink or dinner in, she should give me a ring when she's sorted herself out. I.e. flatmate is gone situation is sorted out, she's got used to the new boyfriend situation and so on.

Next time I suggest implying that it means "...when you come to your senses and realize you could do better. With me. Down at the Ramrod Club."

I'm in outside sales as a profession, so this sort of behavior is pretty common in my environment. You just can't take it personally and move on. The vast majority of people are liars and cowards. Their pattern looks a bit like this:

1. Lie: Feign interest long enough to get you to believe you have a chance to get what you want. This gives them the time to decide if you have something they want. This could be status, information, a free meal, a fun time, or any number of different things.

2. Steal: They mislead you into thinking that you are progressing toward a path that will get you what you want and take what you offer in return.

3. Lie Again: Once they have gotten what they want from you, they take the coward's way out and deny that they used you in the first place. Precious few people have the balls to tell you that you're truly out of the running at this point because they are afraid you will try to hardsell them on your value proposition.

4. Hide: This is where they refuse to return phone calls and avoid attempts to contact them.

The answer to all of this is to refuse to play the game on those terms. Be up front from the gitgo that your intention is not a platonic relationship, but rather a romantic one. Make sure that she knows that you do not have enough information to know if this is acceptable to either of you since you barely know one another. And if she doesn't want to be a partner in this process, that you don't see the value in chasing after her.

Two final points: 1) it's a numbers game. Get out there and date a LOT. And 2) don't be afraid to fire her ass.

wordsmythe wrote:
1Dgaf wrote:

It ended with me saying that, instead of trying to find time to fit a drink or dinner in, she should give me a ring when she's sorted herself out. I.e. flatmate is gone situation is sorted out, she's got used to the new boyfriend situation and so on.

Next time I suggest implying that it means "...when you come to your senses and realize you could do better. With me. Down at the Ramrod Club."

I would suggest something more along the lines of:

"Rather than give you the impression that I am an available friend of last resort, I would like to make it clear that this isn't the sort of relationship I would find acceptable. I value my time and demand that real friends do the same. Until you are ready for that, perhaps it is best that we find a way to avoid one another. In short, I am afraid I have decided to make you redundant."

1Dgaf, one time I went out briefly with this girl from work at the same time she started seeing someone else. I got the whole "this has no future because I've got a new boyfriend thing" over dinner. Now obviously I was her second choice, and I was very pissed about the way she had handled the whole thing.

We were still working in the same office after that, and that made things awkward. But we remained friends, and after a couple of months the new boyfriend was gone and we started going out again. A few years after that we got married. So in the end I got back at her for rejecting me at that dinner, because being married to me is no picnic. I'm so dull it must be almost like a living death.

Revenge is sweet.

Note to self: try harder to be dull.

Chumpy_McChump wrote:
1Dgaf wrote:

I'm sharing with the group. And I've not mentioned my women's underwear fetish yet.

It's not a fetish if you like it on women.

Or on the floor

1Dgaf wrote:

Like I drifter, I was born to walk alone.

I hate Whitesnake. On the classic rock station I listen to here, they claim they play ALL the classics. Beatles, Zeppelin, Black Crowes, and WHITESNAKE!?

Sorry, I'm a little off topic, but I had to say it.

And there's other fish in the sea and all that jazz.

Funkenpants wrote:

1Dgaf, one time I went out briefly with this girl from work at the same time she started seeing someone else. I got the whole "this has no future because I've got a new boyfriend thing" over dinner. Now obviously I was her second choice, and I was very pissed about the way she had handled the whole thing.

We were still working in the same office after that, and that made things awkward. But we remained friends, and after a couple of months the new boyfriend was gone and we started going out again. A few years after that we got married. So in the end I got back at her for rejecting me at that dinner, because being married to me is no picnic. I'm so dull it must be almost like a living death.

Revenge is sweet.

Awesome story Funken!

If you can't tell, I've been posting as I've been dirtily skimming... naughty naughty! And now I'm all caught up. Great thread!

TheWalt wrote:
1Dgaf wrote:

Like I drifter, I was born to walk alone.

I hate Whitesnake. On the classic rock station I listen to here, they claim they play ALL the classics. Beatles, Zeppelin, Black Crowes, and WHITESNAKE!?

OK. Same sentiment, but turned up and with Harryhausen-esque cheesiness:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hyc2MuyUC5k

As the GWJ people who've met me, or even spoken to me online, know I'm very friendly and good fun to speak to.

Move here. It's actually dangerous to be around guys with English accents because panties fly off nearby legs spontaneously.

Funkenpants wrote:

Revenge is sweet.