"Snakes On A Plane"

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Coming To A Theater Near You

Plot Outline: On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, let loose a crate full of deadly snakes.

I'm not kidding.

Also Known As:
Snakes on a Plane (USA) (working title)

Starring Samuel L. Jackson!

Keep in mind that this in still in pre-production...it''s very possible that sometime in the next year some producer gets up and says ""Wait a minute - this is stupid!"" and we don''t hear from it again. At least, I hope so.

On the other hand, this might be one of those films which is great to get drunk and go see! Whee!

Now, see, I''m a big fan of Sammy LJ, as my drunken idiot friends and I have been known to refer to him. I''m usually willing to go see a movie just becauseit stars him, but this one might be one of those movies you wait to watch when it''s on TBS at 2am.

Edit: Thrice-damned BBCode.

"DrunkenSleipnir" wrote:

Keep in mind that this in still in pre-production...

I''m not real Hollywood-savvy. Doesn''t this just mean a bunch of people are sitting around a table, saying, ""Yeah, Samuel L. Jackson and snakes! On a plane! Brilliant!""

""Can we get the stews topless at some point and then work in some way for Sammy to say ''always bet on black''?""

"Razorgrin" wrote:
"DrunkenSleipnir" wrote:

Keep in mind that this in still in pre-production...

I''m not real Hollywood-savvy. Doesn''t this just mean a bunch of people are sitting around a table, saying, ""Yeah, Samuel L. Jackson and snakes! On a plane! Brilliant!""

Something like that. If you look around IMDB, you''ll find a bunch of movies which never actually got made. Some of them had potential, too, so it''s a shame. Cash is the bottom line, and if they pitch the snake idea to a test group and it doesn''t ring, they''ll likely drop it.

I suddenly feel as if I''ve ruined Prederick''s fun, like a playground bully or some such. Like the guy who tells everyone that wresling is fake, and destroys it for everyone

But hey, there are plenty of bad movies like this already out there - I guess we don''t really need one more.

How exactly does this fill two hours?

"DrunkenSleipnir" wrote:

I suddenly feel as if I''ve ruined Prederick''s fun, like a playground bully or some such. Like the guy who tells everyone that wresling is fake, and destroys it for everyone :)

No, actually, I feel a great deal better knowing that, hopefully, noone out there is that goddamn stupid.

"LeapingGnome" wrote:

How exactly does this fill two hours?

How did Titanic fill two hours? That''s right: jugs.

"ColdForged" wrote:

""Can we get the stews topless at some point and then work in some way for Sammy to say ''always bet on black''?""

Due to a plethora of snakes bites, nubile, large-breasted flight attendants will have no alternative but to remove their clothing and use it as bandages.

Sammuel steps up to keep the ladies warm while they give comfort to distressed, panting passengers.

NON-STOP ACTION!

"ColdForged" wrote:

How did Titanic fill two hours? That''s right: jugs.

""You know it''s my duty to please that booty.""

"ColdForged" wrote:
"LeapingGnome" wrote:

How exactly does this fill two hours?

How did Titanic fill two hours? That''s right: jugs.

I believe the proper spelling is juggs... just like it''s pronounced. They were in the movie to keep the guys awake until people started dying.

Captain: ... and we''re now approaching our cruising altitude, so I''ve turned off the seatbelt sign. You are now free to move about the cabin, but we do ask that when you''re in your seat that you keep your belt strapped tight and low across your lap. Our flying time is approximately 4 hours 51 minutes, which should put us into LAX at approximately 1:35 pm. Weather in Los Angeles is hot and sunny ...""

Movie Producer: (Thinking) ... five hours? Holy crap that''s a long time to be on a plane. I guess it would probably suck even more if there were snakes ... SNAKES! Holy crap! I''ve gotta write that down!

""They ate me! A f*cking snake ate me!""

"ColdForged" wrote:
"LeapingGnome" wrote:

How exactly does this fill two hours?

How did Titanic fill two hours? That''s right: jugs.

If they had jugs, they could have prevented the ship from sinking!

My impression of SJs role:

(ahem) ""Yes they deserved to get bit by snakes on a plane, and I hope they burn in hell!""(ahem)

Can I have my check now?

-Fan

If you guys think this is stupid, check out the book/soon-to-be-movie Tiger Cruise. I''ve got an original pitch for it laying around, which was used as an example for a copyediting class I took. It includes such gems as... Terrorists taking over a super-battleship while it''s full of civilians and is mysteriously being decommissioned, while the ship is armed with a ""raile gun,"" which is described as a laser satellite uplink, and nuclear tomahawk missiles. Also, the misunderstood and angsty teenager that wants to prove himself to his military father takes down a ""Terrorist jet."" How? He launches a tractor at it using the flight deck catapult! Because, y''know... that''s totally how those catapults work. Else they wouldn''t be called catapults, right?

"LobsterMobster" wrote:

the ship is armed with a ""raile gun,"" which is described as a laser satellite uplink

"LobsterMobster" wrote:

He launches a tractor at it using the flight deck catapult!

I think you may have just made my head explode.

Yeah, raile guns will do that.

"Prederick" wrote:

Coming To A Theater Near You

Also Known As:
Snakes on a Plane (USA) (working title)

Starring Samuel L. Jackson!

The sequel could be...

Spiders on a Boat!

"Fanatka" wrote:

My impression of SJs role:

(ahem) ""Yes they deserved to get bit by snakes on a plane, and I hope they burn in hell!""(ahem)

Can I have my check now?

-Fan

That is seriously funny.

Yoink!

Airport police chief: ""Damnit it McClane ! This is no Los Angeles, you hear ? See this airport ? This is my pool. A giant pool. And I am the BIG FISH. ""

John McClane: ""Look chief, I don''t mean to be pissin'' in your pool, but I just saw a snake in the baggage compartment...""

Chief: ""LOOK ! I know you think you''re some kind of HOTSHOT with that Nakatomi building bullsh*t. Yeah, that''s right, I saw it on TV. But we don''t need your kind of heroics in this small town of Greenboro, Alabama. Go on home, John. Go home to your wife and leave us the hell alone.""

John McClane: "" I am divorced, chief. I have nowhere to go. I am an alcoholic and I spent last night sleeping it off in a urinal. But that doesn''t change the fact that something TERRIBLE is going to happen !""

Chief: ""OK, I''ve had en...""

John McClane: (jumps up, points) ""LOOK ! THAT MAN ! HE HAD THE SNAKES ! THE BLACK MAN WITH BRIEFCASE !""

Chief: (into intercom) Security, please escort this DICKHEAD out of my office.""

police officer: Mr. McClane, if you''d come with me please...

John McClane: I don''t know what''s worse, chief - the lead in your ass, or the sh*t in your brains ! (takes police officer, throws him into the glass window, jumps out, lands on the body, and sprints away)

Police chief: (into intercom) ""He found the snakes. I repeat, he found the snakes. Go to plan B.""
Police officer gets up and overhears. He stands with a numb look on his face for a moment and then slumps down as the bullet from police chief''s gun comes out of the back of his skull.

(to be continued)

If your job title isn''t ""Hollywood Script Writer"", I know what it should be.

This could be seriously fantastic.

...we now return to... Flight 121...
Assassin and SLJ face each other in the isle of the plane, the rest of the passengers cowering in the back on the compartment.
Assassin: ""You''re becoming an annoyance.""
SLJ: ""Bite me.""
Assassin: ""Wha?""
Assassin is bitten by a large black snake, which has the same haircut as SLJ.
SLJ: ""Always bet on black.""
SLJ: ""Muhfugga.""
Assassin falls to the ground; SLJ and the black snake pound.

Or the ever popular:

SLJ is crouched over a small black box, with a digital timer quickly aproaching zero.
SLJ, into radio: ""For God''s sake, which one?""
Radio: <silence, silence...>
SLJ: ""Six seconds!
Radio, suddenly: ""THE RED ONE! CUT THE RED SNAKE!""

Okay, this was originally posted on what was supposedly Michael Bay''s personal blog and was then removed... (fake obviously, but it had me rolling)

Me and the guys at Platinum Dunes were working over Snakes on a Plane for New Line, but they passed it to David Ellis (genius of stunts, dude trained under the MASTER Hal Needham), which we were cool with, but now they're courting Sam Jackson and they've gone and changed the f*cking title to f*cking Flight 121. I'm so f*cking annoyed, we're totally not giving them our rewrites. I mean I'm not as annoyed as I was with Jessica Alba for refusing to eat Brooke Burke's asshole out, but pretty annoyed. We put in some serious work into our treatment and notes, and they're going in a completely different direction. Kozy (aka Scott Kozar) did a pass, but it was me and Jerry Stahl who worked out a great treatment that could easily be turned into an outline. sh*t was genius. We even had a couple of taglines (""Coffee? Tea? VENOM?"" ""They have all the leg room they need!" "Death on no legs!"" "No legs. No mercy. No escape" ""The lavatory is occupied... with snakes!"" "You''ve never seen TERROR on this SCALE before!") But if this work is going to waste, I figured I'd share it before FLIGHT 121 hits. Then you can decide which is the better movie (ours).

So anyway, here was our outline:

Voice over during credits:
""Flight 121 this is tower, what seems to be the problem?""
""There are snakes. On our plane. Over.""

Fade in: Nick Steele is working as an undercover cop, who''s working a drug bust. Chasing some Haitians, he and his partner get caught and tied up and tortured. With snakes. Steele passes out and they kill his partner first, but just then backup arrives and shoots the snake and the Haitians. Nick's nickname? Mongoose.

After this stress he plans to go on vacation to see his mom. And he's got a flight from LA to Hawaii. He's a little unsure of himself, and he hates both snakes and planes because he was the son of a respected Air Force General, and his father died getting bitten by a snake while piloting a stealth bomber

Unfortunately, he's on a plane under terrorist attacks. The snakes on the plane... They''re super-smart snakes controlled by Arabs. Remote controlled. Brain implants. Terrorist snakes. They can also communicate with Morse code. There are fifteen snakes, and one is a good Snake, which was from a circus and was trained to fly a plane, while the other has a menacing red stripe down his back. All are poisonous, but only the two lead snakes can almost make human words, due to genetic mutations (again, that'd be part of the bitchin' credit sequence, where you'd see coils of snakes wrapping around the credits and asphyxiating them).

On the flight are some random people (and a lot of Japanese tourists, cause they're going to Hawaii and because I think it would be creepy to have them scream Hebi! often), but the main characters are Sally, the lead stewardess, to be played by Jessica Alba or Rachel Bilson (if Adam Brody's cool with their "open relationship"), the bimbette stewardess (played by whomever I'm f*cking that month), the Selfish guy (played by Wayne Knight), and the betrayer Winston. There's also a horny couple, a cheating husband, and the pilots, aka snake snacks. There's also a wisecracking black guy who hates flying. The plane takes off under ominous conditions, and the characters are introduced as the plane settles into take off. Then we see the snakes breaking out of their suitcases. The passengers are oblivious at first, one thinks it's the kid in front of him brushing his leg, but the snakes know to go to the front, though one stops off in the toilet, just as our horny young couple lock themselves in the bathroom"
""Don''t you want to join the mile high club?""
""Okay.""
He unzips, she reaches in
""Man that''s a big one.""
""Really, I mean... yeah of course. Why don''t you, you know, kiss it.""
Then Girl goes down on her knees for a SNAKE ATTACK, and both die as the stewardess, who knew the two were going in there, figure the couple is copulating, when in fact they're both dying. The snakes then make their way to the cockpit. Fade out

Fade in on a secondary stewardess going into the c*ck pit, and pushing the Captain"…. But he's dead! Then she pushes the copilot and he's dead too, and when she attempts to give him mouth to mouth, a snake jumps out of the dudes throat and kills her!

She hits the controls, and the plane encounters serious turbulence and instead of the oxygen masks dropping down, SNAKES DROP DOWN! (in this sequence a snake slips in between some chick's massive cleavage). Nick rushes to the front and grabs two snakes by their tails and whips them against the cockpit and hits the autopilot button, and grabs the speaker to let the passengers know of their fate. There's a snake POV shot, and Nick's about to get bit, when the hero snake kills the other snake for him. Hero snake and Nick have a moment, and then hero snake slithers off as the evil snake kills the comedic black dude and heads for the cockpit. For you see, these snakes know how to fly planes.

One selfish guy grabs the plane''s lone parachute from a woman about to give birth and given a way out of the horror he goes to the cargo area and jumps out of the plane (""See ya, suckers!"") and gets to the point where it''s time to pull the cord. Can you guess what is wrapped up in the chute and lands on his head, biting him furiously?

Everyone notes that the snakes have all gone to the front of the plane, so they cram into coach. Nick takes control but Winston bucks at his lead. Winston's a c*cksure Wall Street guy whose father runs a Fortune 500 company. While arguing Nick hears Morse code. The hero snake tells him about the plan of the evil snakes. They're going to pilot this jet into the Oscar ceremony, which coincidentally starts in 45 minutes! Winston disappears, and goes to the cockpit, and as he knows Morse code too, makes a deal with the evil leader snake, but we don't know for what. He comes back saying he was using the bathroom.

Nick and Sally begin fashioning weapons, he then tells her why he hates snakes and flying, cause his dad died piloting the stealth, and that he used to be a top gun, but couldn't fly any more after his dad died. The passengers create crude weapons out of wheeled luggage (""Let''s roll!""). It's here where Nick grabs a minute with the hero snake, and names him Ace. Ace says he can talk a little and says ""You--- Me. Sssssssssssssame."" He also finds out these snakes can breed like crazy and in the cargo area there are already hundreds of snakes waiting for the call!

But as the boys are gearing up, they hear some tapping, and it's Winston who's signaling the snakes. Nick knows what the guy's saying, and belts him one. ""I thought it was only the snakes who were cold blooded, but I guess I was wrong.""

Nick is about to kill him, but decides ""You''re not even worth it,"" which allows Winston a chance to swing at Nick with the baseball bat he found in a carryon bag, but right as he''s about to, he trips into the cargo area and is stuck in A PIT OF SNAKES THAT EAT HIM ALIVE! Now everyone knows that theyre between the cockpit of doom and the cargohold of death.

But there's an older businessman and he tells of how he cheated on his wife, and how he cheated on his taxes. "I want something I haven't had in thirty years"… Dignity." So he heads downstairs and opens the tail thing and sacrifices himself to kill all the snakes below. He succeeds.

There's only ten snakes left at the front of the plane, but they've circled around the c*ck pit. With Mongoose and Ace coming up front, it's a deadly game of cat and mouse in the first class section (where there should be the trappings of wealth juxtaposed against the snakes"… it'd be meaningful that way), and the boys and the rest of the surviving passengers kill them off, but Ace knows something"… He can't find the evil snake. Nick's not worried about this, and he and Sally moves the pilots out and sweep the room for snakes while he and Ace pilot up. Suddenly they seem to be losing gas, and there's something wrong. Because the auto pilot no longer works Nick is stuck in the pilot seat, while Ace goes down and finds that he has to have a duel off against the evil snake! I won't spoil it, but the fight sequence would have been awesome!

So the snakes are gone (save for our hero snake) but Ace is forced to hold parts together with his body! (""Just a little longer, Ace. Just a little longer!"") But he''ll die, and yet his massive coils are the only thing that can hold the plane together! Fortunately, he does what needs to be done, because that''s what hero snakes with hearts of gold do! Finally Nick lands safely! But the snake is dead! Nick eulogizes
Ace (""He was just trying to get home, just like the rest of us. Maybe we ain''t so different after
all."") while Sally offers to buy him a Mai Tai, even though they're still in LA, but it sounds like they're gonna do it soon.

You think that's it, but wait"… Final sequence of the movie, a rescue team finds the mervous guy's body, and they take him on their helicopter. Thought dead, there''s movement on his body, and the film ends as his stomach explodes as it was full of snakes! Thus paving the way for SNAKES ON A HELICOPTER.

My god, that was funny and so saddening at the same time!

Man, this is just like ALIEN.

Game over man! Game over!

Morrolan
SLJ is crouched over a small black box, with a digital timer quickly aproaching zero.
SLJ, into radio: ""For God''s sake, which one?""
Radio: <silence, silence...>
SLJ: ""Six seconds!
Radio, suddenly: ""THE RED ONE! CUT THE RED SNAKE!""

Hrmmm... LOLROFLMAOPIMPBBQOMG.

I just found a bit of useless trivia that slightly relates to ""Flight 121"". Flight 121 is the flight that Arthur Dent and Fenchurch took to fly to California to see the crazy dolphin biologist in ""So Long And Thanks For All The Fish"".

After watching Kevin Smith retell his tale of what dealing with Hollywood execs is like, I might''ve believed that Vega.

EDIT: SNAKES ON A HELICOPTER. This movie must be made.

I''d like to see Snakes On A Submarine, myself. In the cramped corridors of the sub, the snakes could drop down on the sailors through the gridded metal deck plates. I wonder, though, whether such plates are actually used in military subs, or if they are just a fixture of Hollywood. SpyNavy?

Plus, the snakes could cut the power!

""What do you mean they cut the power? They''re snakes! And this is a nuclear reactor we''re talking about!""

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