"Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie" 3 pages

Three pages! Still waiting to hear back from Dannon.

To whom it may concern:

It has recently come to our attention that forum users at the internet website Gamers with Jobs (http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/) have been inappropriately using trademarks and registered trademarks of our client The GROUP DANONE in such a way as to tarnish and dilute the Dannon(tm) brand, and specfically the Light 'n Fit Yogurt(r) product group.

As you neither asked for nor received permission to use any trademarks or registered trademarks belonging to The GROUP DANONE(tm), you are hereby ordered to cease and desist any and all usages and references to The GROUP DANONE(tm) and any of its subsidiaries, including Dannon(tm), and any and all usages and references to any products produced or marketed by The GROUP DANONE(tm) or any of its subsidiaries, including the Dannon(tm) Light 'n Fit Yogurt(r) product group, that may be offensive or in poor taste or including by inference or reference any association with groups or situations that may be considered offensive or in poor taste, including sexual and/or violent situations.

Failure to comply with this order can and will result in further legal action.

Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated.

Jack Thompson, Attorney at Law
Thompson, Whako & Lunnee, LLR

oh noes!11

I didn't know Jack Thompson knew how to use a computer.

We really have to do something about this influx of grinders, next thing you know, Geraldo Rivera will be doing a special on the GWJ vault.

I call being able to almost shoot him!

I vote for this to be thread of the year!

Jack.Thompson wrote:

To whom it may concern:

It has recently come to our attention that forum users at the internet website Gamers with Jobs (http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/) have been inappropriately using trademarks and registered trademarks of our client The GROUP DANONE in such a way as to tarnish and dilute the Dannon(tm) brand, and specfically the Light 'n Fit Yogurt(r) product group.

As you neither asked for nor received permission to use any trademarks or registered trademarks belonging to The GROUP DANONE(tm), you are hereby ordered to cease and desist any and all usages and references to The GROUP DANONE(tm) and any of its subsidiaries, including Dannon(tm), and any and all usages and references to any products produced or marketed by The GROUP DANONE(tm) or any of its subsidiaries, including the Dannon(tm) Light 'n Fit Yogurt(r) product group, that may be offensive or in poor taste or including by inference or reference any association with groups or situations that may be considered offensive or in poor taste, including sexual and/or violent situations.

Failure to comply with this order can and will result in further legal action.

Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated.

Jack Thompson, Attorney at Law
Thompson, Whako & Lunnee, LLR

Careful, you might call down the wrath of JT with a joke like that.

Yeah, JT doesn't register on public forums with other people's Gmail accounts. He doesn't work for a yogurt company. And I doubt that he knows proper BBCode.

Please, keep answering my message in unpleasant ways. I've already requested contact information from the site's adminstrators for 'Jolly Bill' re: defamation of character and 'Morrolan' re: threatening behavior. I'd be more than happy to ask for more, from your ISPs if necessary.

Lobo wrote:

Yeah, JT doesn't register on public forums with other people's Gmail accounts. He doesn't work for a yogurt company. And I doubt that he knows proper BBCode. :-)

I don't know what you're talking about. It's my own Gmail account, I have clients you don't even know about, and what's BBcode? There's a 'bold' button; I would have thought you computer geeks would know about simple stuff like that. Guess the video games really have rotted your brains.

-Jack

Jack, I was thinking about having Vance assimilate with Vince, and thus become the Supreme Yogurt Lord. I was going to write the chapter, but would you mind doing it for me?

It seemed the expired Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie had morphed into something evil, something putrid, and that something referred to itself as "law-yer". Law-yer continued to spew forth empty threats and faulty logic, not to mention a horrendous odor, in an attempt to force Vince/Vance to retreat from his epic quest to win the heart of the luscious Leni/Jean Harlowe/Saffron and teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Our hero would not be swayed.

Defamation of character, huh? I was under the impression that the best way to defame Jack Thompson was to link to his Wikipedia article. Just in case I'm right, I'll be awaiting the impending threat of lawsuit. While I wait, I think I'll take a dump in a Dannon brand yogurt container.

SillyRabbit wrote:

It seemed the expired Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie had morphed into something evil, something putrid, and that something referred to itself as "law-yer". Law-yer continued to spew forth empty threats and faulty logic, not to mention a horrendous odor, in an attempt to force Vince/Vance to retreat from his epic quest to win the heart of the luscious Leni/Jean Harlowe/Saffron and teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Our hero would not be swayed.

Someone's been reading L. Ron Hubbard's Guide to Writing, I see.

I appreciate the humor of making a new account Chumpy, but I'd hate for some Google searcher to come in here thinking the real Jack Thompson is posting. Please don't take it too far!

Certis wrote:

I appreciate the humor of making a new account Chumpy, but I'd hate for some Google searcher to come in here thinking the real Jack Thompson is posting. Please don't take it too far!

Ah, but he was doing such a fabulous job of channeling the worthless sack of crap. We could have easily gone another page or two trading jabs with the fake JT, I just know it.

Please, keep answering my message in unpleasant ways. I've already requested contact information from the site's adminstrators for 'Jolly Bill' re: defamation of character and 'Morrolan' re: threatening behavior. I'd be more than happy to ask for more, from your ISPs if necessary.

I was talking about Geraldo, you prat! But you'll get yours, too! Oh, yes you will. Don't squat lightly, old man, for the venom of a well-trained toilet snake can reach you, even past the enormous stick up your ass. For the record: I am threatening you with a toilet snake.

Certis wrote:

I appreciate the humor of making a new account Chumpy, but I'd hate for some Google searcher to come in here thinking the real Jack Thompson is posting. Please don't take it too far!

Sorry, Certis...

I wasn't going to post more than the initial letter, but I couldn't resist...

For the record, I think a JT-written Vaince, Supreme Yogurt Lord story could have been one for the ages...

LiquidMantis wrote:

Someone's been reading L. Ron Hubbard's Guide to Writing, I see.

Does that mean you like it?

SillyRabbit wrote:

Does that mean you like it?

So confused... Is it a simple question? A subtle insinuation that I'm a Scientologist? Or an accusation that my literary palette isn't very refined?

I'll just say I enjoyed your post and hope no one is laughing at me.

"They look like ants from up here," said the fat woman with the wart. She'd been annoying the crap out of Karen for the entire flight.

Karen squeezed her cherry-flavored Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie, throttling it, imagining that it was the old lady's neck. She thought for a minute about shoving the bottle down the fat bitch's throat, but all she did was nod and say "Um-hm," hoping that the bag of bones would finally realize that Karen didn't want to talk to her, and leave her alone.

It didn't work.

"Isn't that funny? See? Ants! They look like ants."

"Ants."

"Well what do you know? I never realized that was true. You hear people say it, but how many times are you ever up high enough to find out for yourself? I sure never have been. This is my first time in an aero-plane."

"I know," said Karen. The woman had already said that twenty-five times.

"I wonder if you can tell which ones are boy ants and which ones are girl ants. Seems like you ought to be. Girls walk different from boys. My neighbor Imagene used to always complain that when the boys wore their hair long and the girls wore their hair short, she couldn't tell 'em apart, but I could. You just have to watch the way they walk."

"Um-hm." Karen flipped through the airplane magazine for the third time. It didn't get any better than it was the first two times.

"These ones you can't tell. Looks like they're moving kinda strange. Hard to tell. Hm. Must be the height. Maybe ants don't have girl ants and boy ants. Maybe they're just ants. That would explain it - why you can't tell from up high. Sure are a lot of them though."

The PA crackled to life.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Uh "… we're going to uh "… pull out of our descent and move into a holding pattern. We've been informed by the uh "… tower that we'll have uh "… slight delay in landing."

"Holy sh*t, did they say zombies? "

"Shh! For God's sake, Klein -" The PA cut out suddenly.

"Why are there so many of them? They're all out on the runway, see? See, honey?"

"Um-hm." Karen couldn't believe that bitch had just called her "honey." One of her teachers had called her honey once. After she stabbed him in the arm with her pen, he didn't call her anything.

"I thought they didn't allow that."

"Ladies and gentlemen this is your Captain again. Sorry about that."

"You didn't have to hit me."

"We'll be landing shortly. This should be only uh "… slight delay. In the meantime I've asked the flight attendants to resume the drink service, and you can uh "… feel free to move about the cabin. Current temperature is uh ... nice seventy-two degrees."

Now Karen was wishing she hadn't packed her iPod in her check-in bag. She was going to be sure to tell Jenny that they didn't give you a cavity search at the security check point if you were carrying an iPod. She saw ten different people with iPods, and not one of them got searched. She made a mental note to not listen to Jenny anymore. Not to listen to anybody any more. Was she the only intelligent human being left on the face of the planet?

"Oh look! Now some of the ants look like they're dancing with the other ants. See?"

"Um-hm."

"Maybe there's a problem with the lights and they're trying to fix it. They still use lights to land the planes during the day, don't they?"

"Sure." Karen wanted to die.

"I'm sure they do. Oh, look at those flashes. Looks like sparks. Maybe the power went out and that's why the plane wasn't landing. That would explain why everyone was outside, too. If the air conditioning went out, they'd want to be outside for the breeze. That happened once at my apartment in Saratoga and it was so damned hot inside that the only thing you could do was go outside to cool off. Isn't that funny? Supposed to be the other way around, but it wasn't always."

"Um-hm." karen was surprised the old lady hadn't melted. She looked like she was at least ninety-percent fat.

Now the too-perky flight attendant with the fake tits was coming over. Her perfume made Karen want to retch. She couldn't understand how women like that got laid so much. Didn't boys have noses? Or eyes? Couldn't they tell she was just a vapid waste of skin? Maybe that was the attraction. Maybe it was true what they said about boys, that all they wanted was an idiot cum-catcher, and the dumber you were, the more you got laid. Being around people always brought out the worst in Karen.

"Something to drink? A Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie, perhaps?" asked Ms. Fake Tits. Karen ignored her.

"Stewardess, is there a problem with the runway lights?"

"We don't use the lights during the day, ma'am."

"Oh. Why not?"

"I don't know, but I'll ask." She smiled. Her teeth were the whitest white.

Karen died a little more inside. She shuddered with revulsion as she imagined Ms. Fake Tits walking into the cockpit, closing the door behind her and fellating the Captain, pausing just long enough to rub her too-large tits in his face while she asked him why they don't turn on the runway lights during the day. She imagined the Captain would just smile, push her back down and sip his Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie.

Now it sounded like a man behind her was throwing up. Maybe he'd picked up on her vibe. She wished she'd thought of it first. Now if she started throwing up, too, she'd feel like a faker. People were screaming. Must be chunky, she thought, laughing a little.

"Oh my god, he's eating my brains!" shrieked a woman in row 19.

That's when it hit her. Ants on the runway, moving funny, dancing - wait. Didn't the Co-pilot say something before? What was his name? Klein? Klein! He said -

"Oh my f*cking god! There's Zombies on The Plane!"

A man in a suit stepped into the aisle. He was holding a gun. Everyone around her ducked and screamed, but Karen just watched, fascinated, as the man in the suit fired his gun at something behind her. She heard a wet slapping sound, like a fish hitting the sidewalk. Then a crack. Suddenly the plane was going down. Karen smiled. This was the best flight EVER!

You know, since ants basically operate via a hive mind, and don't really have much in the way of traditional brains, I bet they are immune to zombism. You here of zombie dogs and cats and such, but I have never heard of a zombie ant.

The man with the gun still had his eyes focused towards the back of the plane. His focus was intense and small beads of sweat were forming on his brow, even as he shifted his stance to stay upright in the diving aircraft.

Karen looked back and saw the splattered remains of another passenger on the overhead bins. Funny thing was that his skin was grey and the body was still moving, despite not having much of a head to speak of.

Hearing an odd sound above the screams and panic of her fellow passengers, Karen looked towards the isle floor to see an empty Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie container rolling forwards. It bumped into the foot of the armed man and stopped. He looked down briefly, then back up to scan for more threats.

Seconds later, he collapsed, dropping his gun and clutching at his ankle.

"Something bit me!" he screamed. Opening his eyes and looking down he saw it.
"A Snake! Snakes on a Plane!?!?!"

The venemous serpent had been curled up inside the Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie container. It was still hissing and looking for a new target. Karen stared at it, unsure of what to do but thinking about how the fat, annoying woman might actually prove useful after all ...

I'm so confused. How did the zombies get up on the plane? Is it, perhaps, the Dannon Light 'N Fit Smootie that's turning everyone into a slavering member of the undead? Or is it just anyone who gets within a certain radius of Laguardia's airspace?

KaterinLHC wrote:

I'm so confused. How did the zombies get up on the plane? Is it, perhaps, the Dannon Light 'N Fit Smootie that's turning everyone into a slavering member of the undead? Or is it just anyone who gets within a certain radius of Laguardia's airspace?

It doesn't matter, Kat. It's Zombies on a Plane. Zombies on a m******-f***ing plane!

/slj

Thanks for reading the GWJ thriller, "Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie". We will be right back after this important message.

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Hungry? Calcium deficient? Zombified? or even just Horny.
Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie is for you!
Now with a new flavor.
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/End Advertisement

We now return you to the thrilling, romantic, and horrific "Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie" story. Enjoy!

Badferret wrote:

You know, since ants basically operate via a hive mind, and don't really have much in the way of traditional brains, I bet they are immune to zombism. You here of zombie dogs and cats and such, but I have never heard of a zombie ant.

Good thing, too. Would you really want to see a swarm of zombies that could lift 200 times their own weight?

Talk about energy! You'd need something like a Dannon (tm) Light 'n Fit Smoothie(r) to get that kind of boost!!!!!111!!!!eleventy-one!

buzzvang wrote:
KaterinLHC wrote:

I'm so confused. How did the zombies get up on the plane? Is it, perhaps, the Dannon Light 'N Fit Smootie that's turning everyone into a slavering member of the undead? Or is it just anyone who gets within a certain radius of Laguardia's airspace?

It doesn't matter, Kat. It's Zombies on a Plane. Zombies on a m******-f***ing plane!

/slj

Touché.

I'm thinking that perhaps it's the Dannon (tm) Light 'n Fit Smoothies that prevent Zombism. Who can say? The truth is out there somewhere. Toegther, we'll find it.