While I'm not one to share...you know, everything over the internet, this is currently just killing me.
My wife is going through some kind of early mid-life crisis. She wants to trade in the minivan (which I helped her spend months picking for her dog competition stuff) for a PT Cruiser. She's not sure she can handle being "the choir teacher's wife" which she's gotten a feel for while I was student teaching. She's been depressed for a long time and not dealing with it or talking to me about it. Instead she dumps it all on me one night. It's as if the fulfillment of me figuring out what I want to do with my life has made her want to definitively figure out what she wants to do, and suddenly this may or may not involve me.
I'm a very devoted kind of person. There's a part of me that just doesn't understand this at all.
Granted, as I posted in Elysium's thread...I've been in "survival" mode with the whole going back to school thing for the last two years, and I know I haven't been very giving, and I've relied on her help and support, without (in retrospect) giving back very much. But it's not as if she lets me know what she needs, what she's going through, etc. until she's apparently hit bottom.
So now I'm looking for )(@)(*$()*#$ sublets at sublet.com and trying not to go insane. I can't even seriously apply for jobs right now as I have no idea what my life can and will be. I don't want to give up on her. I want to give her time and space to work things out. But every thing she does and says rips me up inside.
If she wants a divorce, I think I'll take whatever choir teaching job I can get out of state. Some small town where I'll be *the choir teacher*. If not...I have no damned idea.
While we don't have kids, if you knew us, you might think, "damn, they do more stuff with their dogs then I do with my kids." Which has been said to us numerous times. I think I finally got through to her, that this is about more than just her (and she seems so lost in her own stuff, she's certainly not considering me much..) when I told her, "You need to realize that I'm not leaving this house by myself if you want me to go. Are you going to help decide which of the girls goes with me?"
I should be spending my days job hunting. I've been spending my days gaming, and a big thanks to those of you who have kept me company in GW and CSS and wherever else.
I don't drink. I have no tolerance for alcohol. At night I've been drinking (I know you'll laugh) Mike's Hard Lemonade and playing DoD and CSS, just to...escape. Get caught up in something else. One semi-girlie drink and i'm pretty wasted. The thread on Scotch and Bourbon got me thinking, "Well I could get seriously in another place with a little of that." But I won't.
Partly this has woken me up out of survival mode, and into...needing to do positive things to make me feel better. I planted flowers all over the front yard (which until now has looked pretty dumpy). Cleaned up stuff she and I never get to. Cleaned up my computer room (that's saying something). And have started eating less and exercising more. Lost around 8 pounds so far.
and none of it seems to freaking matter to me. she's my best friend.
and this is absolutely killing me.