Going through "separation" with wife.

Roo. Out of everyone here, you are in a group of only like a couple dozen that I would let give me the reach around.

We all get to put it in your pooper though, right? I seem to remember reading that in the Terms and Conditions page when I made the account.

I find it ironic that his sometimes-avatar is a pink taco...

my wife said something (early on) about how this is extra hard cause i'm such a good guy. Which didn't make me feel better. But further that I wouldn't have any problems finding someone. To which I responded, that basically no, it wouldn't be hard for me to find *someone* (and I didn't mention that I do fall in love easily), but I had already found my best friend to marry, and how exactly am I supposed to find a new best friend who is all of the other things to me as well. That will be hard, and I don't know if it will be possible.

Hey wow, First. I hate when women use that line. It's like they're abstaining from blame by saying, hey, it's kewl, he's nice, he'll find someone else so it doesn't matter if I screw him over.

Second... that sounds an AWFUL lot like the conversation me and my ex had at the end of our break up. WEIRD! Hey, Taco, do I get to reach around? I don't know that there'd ever be a time I'd WANT to, but it'd be nice to have the option occasionally.

Roo, I think it's fair to say that everyone on GWJ has their favorite posters and their, well, not-so-favorite posters. You've long been one of my favorites. You seem a great guy, an outstanding teacher, and a valuable asset to the GWJ community. I'm glad that that community has been able to repay you with this thread of well wishes. You deserve every one of them.

Keep us posted, and we'll be here for you.

*wonders if he's anyone's favorite*

...

*wonders who hates his posts*

Hmmmmmmm...

Just wanted to add my (belated) best wishes for you, Roo. Keep us updated if you can; it's amazing how people can end up caring for - and about - a bunch of pseudo-strangers, and we're all pulling for you.

Demosthenes wrote:
*wonders if he's anyone's favorite*

...

*wonders who hates his posts*

Hmmmmmmm...

"Good-bye, Springfield. You laughted at me for the last diddly-ass time."

KrazyTaco[FO wrote:
]Roo. Out of everyone here, you are in a group of only like a couple dozen that I would let give me the reach around.

Of course, the rest of GWJ already has, but Taco was too drunk to remember.

Roo wrote:
To which I responded, that basically no, it wouldn't be hard for me to find *someone* (and I didn't mention that I do fall in love easily), but I had already found my best friend to marry, and how exactly am I supposed to find a new best friend who is all of the other things to me as well. That will be hard, and I don't know if it will be possible.

That's just not me. And she really is my best friend. And in the midst of all this crap, I'm going to try my best not to give up on myself first and foremost, and then see what happens.

Trust me-- this ALWAYS happens to men in relationships. Men, in relationships, tend to focus on their partner and ignore their other friends as time goes on. We've all felt that same thing... that losing the relationship loses the best friend, and you'll never recover... it may be lame, but YES, YOU WILL recover and YES, YOU WILL find another woman (or several) who, if you date them/marry them will become your NEW best friend See how it works?

I know it's hard, but as we've said before, there is nothing YOU can do about this. If she decides to leave, then she's already gone even if she's living there, and nothing you say will change her mind. There's no grand gesture, or perfect speech, that you can give to "win her back" if she doesn't want to come back. And if she DOES stay just to please you, she will begin to hate and resent you and will eventually leave anyway.

Again, I know how much this hurts for you right now... and all of us giving advice are sort of like people yelling into the lion cage telling you that when you look back on things, being mauled really isn't that bad and you'll get over it.

How can you feel better? Good start-- reconnect with friends you may have ignored because of the marriage. Get a support network... have things to occupy yourself (volunteer, work out, join a book club, whatever) so you're not just sitting home alone feeling left out and isolated. Get a teaching job somewhere-- as an English teacher, let me tell you the field is full of smart, intelligent young women But that's really putting the cart before the horse. You'll get yourself back up on your feet again... you'll find a new relationship if this doesnt work out... it will just take time. You're going to have to grieve and feel terrible for a while... maybe a long while. But you're going to get out of it.

Roo, I don't know if you're religious, but if you are, your wife (or even yourself?) may want to consider speaking with a priest.

I like to think of priests as professionally trained to bring out the good in people. He may be able to help her see past the immediate difficulties, and focus on the deeper things - that you two have always loved and cared for each other, and that you still do, in spite of what may have been said and done. He may be able to highlight the positives, to help against the depression. And he may also help with some useful outsider's feedback about how you two are perceiving things, since it's difficult to see things clearly when one is overcome with pain.

Just a thought...

doihaveto wrote:
I like to think of priests as professionally trained to bring out the good in people. He may be able to help her see past the immediate difficulties, and focus on the deeper things - that you two have always loved and cared for each other, and that you still do, in spite of what may have been said and done. He may be able to highlight the positives, to help against the depression. And he may also help with some useful outsider's feedback about how you two are perceiving things, since it's difficult to see things clearly when one is overcome with pain. :(

Heh, that's interesting. My father has always said he could never understand why people would go to a priest with marriage issues, since that is the one person who could not possibly have any personal experience or reference point for what you are going through.

(Yes, I know there are some problems with the logic, just brought up an interesting memory.)

Hmm... just found this thread even though I've been playing GW quite a lot with Roo for the last little while. I'm big on preaching, but I'll try to abstain. Couple of things though Roo...

No matter what advice you read, remember that this is the great wide Internet. Any thing you read is to be taken with a big-ass grain of salt. Not to say there is no good advice out there, but it all needs to be put into perspective first.

The second thing I wanted to bring up, you seem to have a handle on already. I was gonna say that, no relationship advice really ever works. Because every relationship is between two unique individuals and nobody can guess what they would really be like and what chemistry works (or more importantly doesn't work) between them. The only thing I found that can set you emotionally free is the truth. Be honest, primarily with yourself, and let the dice fall as they may. In retrospect you'll have nothing to regret because you were honest and that's ultimately all you can fairly do. What do you want and what are you willing to give up for it? Answer that to yourself and to her and then it's up to her to decide if it fits her vision in life and what she's willing to give up for it as well.

Just a little me update. Have had shower. Have shaved. Haven't talked to wife much, but have made it clear, "I'm here for you, but not waiting on you...." but in a very nice way.

Have sent out resumes (electronically) and as I shared with few folks on GW, got a call for interview about 1 hour later, for job that is pretty ideal for what I want (teaching 6th-12th grades).

Not doing great, but all of that huge inner pain seems to have subsided, and I have these little, sparking, glowy bits that I believe are my GWJ happy thoughts. It's just damned good to know you're all out there.

She leaves on Sunday for her parents. Here's hoping her mom talks her into some kind of counseling, and getting evaluated for meds. It's no shame to be on meds, it's like having diabetes. Some people's brains don't process dopamine or seratonin or whatever as well. It's hereditary. We'll see.

Again, my many thanks, my dear friends.

Good luck, man.

I joined the party late, but what the hell.

Keep keeping on / consider grooming some of your female students for use in a few years time.

Good luck.

Indeed. Singers are HOT a lot of the time. And if you work at a catholic school? Fuggeddaboudit.

Yeah, I've dated a few singers. Good breath control. That's about all there is to say about that.

Yeah, I've dated a few singers. Good breath control. That's about all there is to say about that.

Good lungs in the other way as well =P

Morrolan wrote:
I find it ironic that his sometimes-avatar is a pink taco...

It's purple damn it!

Roo wrote:
.... It's no shame to be on meds, it's like having diabetes. Some people's brains don't process dopamine or seratonin or whatever as well. It's hereditary. We'll see.

In never ceases to amaze and sadden me, how many people don't understand and accept that simple fact unequivocally.

1Dgaf wrote:
Keep keeping on / consider grooming some of your female students for use in a few years time.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who let that dirty thought enter into his mind.

But seriously, Good luck amigo. Starting over isn't easy.

1Dgaf wrote:
Keep keeping on / consider grooming some of your female students for use in a few years time.

Dude. Have you seen what these girls look like nowadays? They are ready now.

Just wanted to toss my 2 cents.

I haven't read about you consulting a lawyer regarding this. You mentioned that you "aren't worried about money because you've got a lot saved" although if she talks to a lawyer she'll drain that account.

Have you observed the financial records you share with her recently?

While your Wife is away, you should talk to a lawyer ASAP and he/she can give you the breakdown of what needs to be done.

Good point. You may wish to move some of that cash to an account only you can access.

Actually, great point. She's doing this, you have to protect yourself. You may not care now, but in 5 years when you're with someone else you'll wish you did.

SwampYankee wrote:
Good point. You may wish to move some of that cash to an account only you can access.

Actually, great point. She's doing this, you have to protect yourself. You may not care now, but in 5 years when you're with someone else you'll wish you did.

You definitely want to talk to a lawyer about this stuff. Doing certain things to "protect yourself" can make you look perfectly like an abusive asshole who deserves some punishment in front of a judge. There's a fine line between, "Protect yourself," and "See, this type of thing is the reason I am seeking divorce, and why you should award me X, Y, and Z."

Swat wrote:
Destruction causes you to escape your shell and comfort zone, re-evaluate life and determine what is important.

HOCKEY! Ain't no power or woman in the 'Verse ever coming between me and hockey. Unless it's my Doctor and she has a very good reason...

If he emptied the accounts, I'd agree with you. But taking half - you'd need Perry Mason to convince the court that was controlling.

A good caution, though

in israel jewish women are usually in trouble when they want a devorce they can easily lose everything. the husband can disagree to the divorce and his wife will be anchored to him then he can use all kinds of tactics to extort her but the court can put sanctions on him like take his pasport and put him prison . but still until the husaband agrees she is anchored and can't remarry or have kids with another man. the reason she can't have kids with another man is that those children will be named "mamzer" (b*st*red ) and won't be able to marry in a jewish wedding for generations ( they got lists).

Podunk wrote:
1Dgaf wrote:
Keep keeping on / consider grooming some of your female students for use in a few years time.

Dude. Have you seen what these girls look like nowadays? They are ready now.

They may be ready now, but Roo's going through a rough patch and so needs gentle handlin'.