Two guys are walking their dogs when they pass a bar. First guy says "Let's get a drink." Second guy says "Can't, they don't let dogs in that bar!" First guy says "No problem," snaps out some shades, puts them on and walks in. Bartender says "Hey, no dogs in here!" First guy says "Man, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog!" Bartender shrugs and asks him what he wants to drink.
Second guy sees this, snaps out his shades, puts them on and walks in. Bartender says "Hey, no dogs in here!" Second guy says "Man, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog!" Bartender says "I call shenanigans... that dog's a Chihuahua!"
"They gave me a *Chihuahua*?!"
Adam is alone in paradise. He's bored and goes to see God:
"God, your garden is very nice, and I've named all the animals and such, but it's starting to get old. Can't you whizz something up with a little more lasting entertainment value, you know, something with a little oomph?"
"No problem, Adam, no problem, I am almighty. I'll create a creature most beautiful and intelligent, and it will make you absolutely happy for the rest of eternity."
"That sounds great!"
"Ah, but there's a catch. Happiness always comes at a price, and it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"Oh." Adam pauses to think...
...
...
"What can I have for a rib?"
And, before I'm accused of rampant sexism:
What do men and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his neck.
A mouse and an elephant were at the pool. The elephant immediately jumped into the water and started frolicing. The mouse was looking around at getting pretty upset. "Hey Elephant! Get out here real quick!"
"Aww man, I'm having fun! You come in here"
"Just get out here!"
"No."
"Come on... please?"
"Well, okay."
As the elephant stepped out of the pool the mouse immediately said "Nevermind, you can get back in." Pissed, the elephant asked "Now what the hell was that all about?"
"I just wanted to see if you were wearing my trunks!"
An Engineer, a Plumber and an Electrician are sitting around, arguing about God. The Electrician says, "God must've been an electrician! Look at the nervous system, the way it carries currents so efficiently and quickly, God had to be an electrician."
The Plumber says, "No, no way. He was a plumber. Look at the circulatory system, full of valves and pipes, bringing blood everywhere it's needed. God was a plumber."
The Engineer says,"You're both wrong. God was a Engineer. Who else would run a waste management line right through some primo recreation area?"
----
Two guys are sitting at a bar, talking about their love lives.
"How'd that girl I set you up with work out?" The first one asks.
"Great!" The second guy says. "She's the bright light of the morning sun in my life!"
"So you like her?" The first one says.
"Yeah, that's what I metaphor, isn't it?"
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. The fortune teller gazed into her crystal ball and said, "I see you are the father of two children." The man laughed, "That's what you think! I'm the father of three children!" The fortune teller laughed back, "That's what YOU think!"
What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?
F'ing dishes, if she knows what's good for her!
*
Heard that one from a social worker I dated once. Twice, actually.
Prederick gets today's cookie for:
Two guys are sitting at a bar, talking about their love lives.
"How'd that girl I set you up with work out?" The first one asks.
"Great!" The second guy says. "She's the bright light of the morning sun in my life!"
"So you like her?" The first one says.
"Yeah, that's what I metaphor, isn't it?"
A truely horrendous pun.
Quicksilver, I've been looking at this thread for days, but it wasn't until just now that the thread title brought to mind Jimmy Hendrix. Must be the bourbon.
Nevertheless, if you would be so kind as to indulge an old blues fan, I'd appreciate your renaming the thread: The best joke I've heard all day (slight return).
My pleasure (neat or on the rocks).
Do we have a better joke thread?
Anyway
A teenager shows up to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters
Marching straight into Professor Xavier's office, he says "I want to join the X-Men!""Oh?" Xavier asks the boy, "What powers do you have?"
He responds, "I have the gift of perfect hindsight!"
The Professor raises an eyebrow and says "Sorry, I don't think that would be very useful."
The teen replies, "Well yeah, I can see that now."
Do we have a better joke thread?
Anyway
A teenager shows up to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters
Marching straight into Professor Xavier's office, he says "I want to join the X-Men!""Oh?" Xavier asks the boy, "What powers do you have?"
He responds, "I have the gift of perfect hindsight!"
The Professor raises an eyebrow and says "Sorry, I don't think that would be very useful."
The teen replies, "Well yeah, I can see that now."
The Dad joke thread of course
Looking back, some of these haven't really aged well. One might even say they were - and still are - inappropriate.
What do you call a witcher who knows loads of random facts?
Geralt of Trivia
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied : "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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