The best joke I've heard all day (slight return)

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.

This one works a bit better when spoken, but:

A woodpecker walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender"?

Dr_Awkward wrote:

This one works a bit better when spoken, but:

A woodpecker walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender"?

Don't you mean a termite?

Rezzy wrote:
Dr_Awkward wrote:

This one works a bit better when spoken, but:

A woodpecker walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender"?

Don't you mean a termite?

Both appear to work in this situation.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Three-legged dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa."

Blind man walks into a bar and says " Whoops!"

Gio_Clark, you win the cookie for today. I think your joke actually qualifies as funny. I'm feeling much better now. Thank you.

Fletcher1138 wrote:

Three-legged dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa."

Haha, I was at a Perfect Circle concert and Maynard told that one to the crowd.

Barab wrote:
Fletcher1138 wrote:

Three-legged dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa."

Haha, I was at a Perfect Circle concert and Maynard told that one to the crowd.

Bastard stole my joke.

Say this out loud until you get it:

I arm sofa king we Todd it.

Fletcher1138 wrote:
Barab wrote:
Fletcher1138 wrote:

Three-legged dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa."

Haha, I was at a Perfect Circle concert and Maynard told that one to the crowd.

Bastard stole my joke.

No. This is one of my trilogy of talking dog jokes. It is my joke.

Timmy!

A guy walks into a doctors office with a duck on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy out of my ass!"

Alien13z wrote:

Say this out loud until you get it:

I arm sofa king we Todd it.

Arise chicken, chicken arise!

I see topic has been modified as a means of "ha ha, I meant it this way, no really" damage control. Hurr.

It looks to me like the title had to be edited so that those of you who were too thick-headed to put 2 and 2 together could get knocked over the head with a clue by four.

And even were that not the case, tell me exactly what value your post added to the thread.

Damn ... vikings

Demosthenes wrote:
Rezzy wrote:
Dr_Awkward wrote:

This one works a bit better when spoken, but:

A woodpecker walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender"?

Don't you mean a termite?

Both appear to work in this situation. :D

Weeeeeell.... you see, the Woodpecker doesn't actually EAT the bar, so asking for a tender bit would be a little silly!

How about this though:
A termite walks into a bar and says: "Where is the Bartender?"
A few minutes later a woodpecker walks into the same bar and asks: "Can you point me towards the termite?"

HAHAHA *cough* haha.... ha

You ram your nose into a piece of wood for awhile and see if wanting to find the tender part is silly.

Pretty good with the bird asking for the bug though.

Bartender - bar tender - tender part of the bar! HA! I get it!

I iz slow...

My favorite joke:

René Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender askes, "Ah, Monsieur Descartes - would you like a drink?"
René Descartes says, "I think not!"
...and promptly disappears.

My second favorite:

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

A horse walks into a bar. The barkeeper asks, "Why the long face?"

The groudskeeper at a large cemetery stated proudly in his resume: "I have 10,000 people under me."

There is a restaurant called "The Moon." ... Good food, but no atmosphere.

What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison? ... A small medium at large.

At the bank I asked the teller to check my balance. She gave me a little shove. Better not teller friends. She couldn't budget.

Elysia wrote:

My favorite joke:

René Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender askes, "Ah, Monsieur Descartes - would you like a drink?"
René Descartes says, "I think not!"
...and promptly disappears.

Elysia, you win the cookie for today. I thought this was so clever that I read it aloud to my mate (buried deep in WoW). Further proof that this is my kind of joke is that I had to explain it to him.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Control Freak , Now You say Control Freak Who?

René Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender askes, "Ah, Monsieur Descartes - would you like a drink?"
René Descartes says, "I think not!"
...and promptly disappears.

Gah! You stole my joke!

Fine then.
A man shouts at his doctor "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"
The doctor says "Calm down, you're two tents."
Yukyukyuk.

I have been accused of being a "skimmer" in the past so I diligently read this thread.

Can I have that last minute of my life back please?

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Gio_Clark wrote:

Why, is there a bar around?

I officially declare this thread a crime against humanity.

ABSTAIN FROM THE FUNNY!