PITTSBURGH, Pa. (AP) -- The Pittsburgh Pirates unveiled their new slogan today- "Pittsburgh Pirates - We Have a Nice Park, But We're Not Very Good."
The Pirates new PR director, Guybrush Threepwood, said, "We know it's not a very good slogan, but it is honest. We've reviewed our team, and we really couldn't hit our way out of a wet paper bag. And if our pitchers threw any slower, the ball wouldn't make it to the plate. But, as noted, we do have a lovely park."
An apparently intoxicated General Manager Poppinfresh had this to say about this year's team, "While none of them can play baseball very well, they did all manage to make a decent batch of Pillsbury cookies, so we decided to keep them on board."
Pirates trainer One-Legged Pete added, "The main problem we have is just a lack of funds. That and our general manager's crippling addiction to 'cookie pr0n.' And that he's a raving lunatic."
The Pirates plan on starting the season soon, featuring "Chocolate Chip Cookie Night." Rumors that the Pirate Parrot will be the opening-day pitcher could not be substantiated at this time.