Women troubles... Sex really does change everything?

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OK, so this is going to be filled with plenty of personal problems and details on my life (including some physical aspects of my romantic life). I really have no problem saying such things, but if you do... well, get out ^_^ Also... this is pretty long-ish.

That said, I'm really confused about my girlfriend at this point and some female help understanding the girl (slambie and hoochie, I'm looking in your general direction)... or some male in figuring out some way to get this out of my mind.

So, I've been friends with this girl for about four years. We started dating about four months ago after she broke up with her long time high school boyfriend. Things went kinda quick that night and by the end of the weekend, I had gotten to third base on more than one occasion, and already surpassed the long time boyfriend in her number of achieved climaxes. This, of course, was rather surprising at the time because she was the first girl I'd ever gone this far with.

Anyway, things continued along this line for about a month, her coming almost every weekend to visit and spend time with me until she dropped out of art school in the hopes of transfering to a state college to study poli-sci. While working, she continues to wait till the winter quarter starts only to discover that her mom won't help with her loans and her mom and stepdad are getting a divorce.

Anyway, suffice to say, the trips to visit me at Miami Oxford (45 minutes from her place on a bad day) became less and less frequent, and at her requests, I started coming home every other weekend or so to go out with her and spend time with her.

Anyway, this past weekend was my birthday and the second time in a month that she had come to Miami to visit me. During a pre-bedtime engagement of activities, we decided that it was time to move beyond 3rd base. At this point, I'll admit, there's a little fogginess to my memory and it was both of our first times. But as we were finishing up, there was some worry of slippage with the condom. While there's very little likelihood pregnancy (her being on birth control already and the fact that it didn't feel like the condom came off till pulling out). But we both were kinda freaked out by the worst case scenario. Anyway, we decide to check out WebMD to figure out what to do... by we I mean her because I'd been told to go sit on the bed because she didn't need me hovering.

Anyway, she calls me as she leaves to go to the pharmecy (I know that morning after stuff is like effective up to 72 hours, but she decided that she HAD to go tonight, so I let her go) and then calls again about 20 minutes later after she's gotten a ticket. The cop was a douche waiting at a speed trap that's hard to notice if you aren't paying attention. Basically waiting to meet some kind of quota by screwing over college students.

At this point, she's a little more emotional and definitely PISSED. So she starts talking about how I'm just going to go on with my life and go to class and none of this is happening to me. And, physically, she's right... but I love her and it's not like I'd abandon her in the worst case scenario... and this is where I got the wind really knocked out of me. She goes off on an independent woman rant about how she doesn't need me and she can do this all by herself without me, etc...

Now, I realize this is a really emotional time anyway, and with this little slip-up followed by all the freak out, emotions are peaking the OTHER way instead of the loving way they probably should be. So I kinda went without confronting her about this till yesterday when she seemed to have regained composure and taken the pills, etc... And she talks about not being support for two people, and how she can live without me and she doesn't need my support... and I know she doesn't... but I would have thought by this point that she realized that while she doesn't need it, it's here for her none the less to ease a bit of her burden off her as she desires...

So... what do I do? I still get this feeling of being separated from her... and I'm still getting this really cold, stand-offish kinda feeling when I talk to her... she really doesn't make jokes like she usually would, and when I did, I got the weird silence that would usually be accompanied by "the look."

I really do love her and I don't want to screw things up with her... but I've got no idea what to do... as it stands we won't see each other for two weeks anyway, and I know her friends at work have been sorta trying to set her up with some other guy who's apparently quite good looking and makes a hell of a lot of money working for NASA... so accordingly, I'm totally freaked out by the possibility of losing the most wonderful thing that's ever happened. AHHHHHHHHH!

Anyway, I was thinking of sending her flowers, but I'll have to wait till like Wednesday, after her and her mom move BACK IN with her step-father.

Demos out.

a) Lots of fish in the sea...ain''t easy..but always remember that.
b) Having her as a good friend BEFORE sex is a huge plus! She''ll most likely come around...don''t be TOO jealous and bust up a good thing.
c) Patience, courtesy and care are all needed...so just work that angle. Remember...a friend before should be a friend during and after - she may be having a rough time...so hang in there with her
d) Flowers are nice....so good luck to you - me...I say find the balance...be a gentleman...but not tooooo nice...:-) (gotta have that element of spice and danger I''m told)

You should write her this letter or the feelings in it anyway accompanied with flowers.

Seriously, it sounds like she was in freak-out mode and that there are other things in her life stressing her out right now that ''going the distance'' may not have helped.

So, I''ve been friends with this girl for about four years. We started dating about four months ago after she broke up with her long time high school boyfriend. Things went kinda quick that night and by the end of the weekend, I had gotten to third base on more than one occasion, and already surpassed the long time boyfriend in her number of achieved climaxes.

Sorry, I''m not familiar with the ""bases"". What the hell is third base?

Anyway, seems like her life is breaking down (No more money from mom and dad, their getting divorced, the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, the ticket).

and I know her friends at work have been sorta trying to set her up with some other guy who''s apparently quite good looking and makes a hell of a lot of money working for NASA

How do you know that?

Anyway, I guess flowers would help. Don''t take me too seriously, but looks like she''s not too sure about you.

The base system works like this Mex...

First is like hands down the back of the pants, second is up the shirt, third is hands down the front of the pants and getting home is probably self explanatory...

That said, you DID say that I wouldn''t get anywhere and I was an emergency penis in a jar previously and the past few months of our relationship rather well proved that not to be the case I think... but we''ll see. You could very well be right.

Well, to me it does seem like you were indeed the ""Penis in a Jar"". =P

You were the rebound guy, weren''t you?

Don''t get discouraged tho, if you really like her. Just make sure that if it doesn''t work, it doesn''t send you into deep depression. I mean, be your own man, or whatever the phrase is.

That base system is interesting. Where would Target''s ""Anal Massage"" fit in that system?

That base system is interesting. Where would Target''s ""Anal Massage"" fit in that system?

Backfield.

"Certis" wrote:
That base system is interesting. Where would Target''s ""Anal Massage"" fit in that system?

Backfield.

HA!

Backfield...nope...

the...

wait for it...

Outfield

OH...and if you do see things breaking down...

don''t forget to go for the ''goodbye sex'' - Its an important part to ending a relationship young grasshopper...especially in college!

(but I''m still wishing you luck in all honesty)

Looks to me like Mex is right - this has Rebound plastered all over it. Oh yes, and ""Hot Potato"".
Could still have a chance, but with all that''s going wrong with her life, maybe it''s time to move on - carefully, though, depending on your interests. In any case, you should (at least appear to) be supportive, and lend a shoulder for her to kvetch on. So if it doesn''t work out (and you should be prepared for it not to, even _if_ you''re very interested in keeping it up), you''re not to blame and you''ve been a good friend all along. And you can be sure that the odds are you''ll meet in the sack sometime in the future.
I can tell you from experience, that staying friends with exes - even if they are nutty and crazy bitches - is much easier than it often seems, and quite recommended, as long as you can handle it. I''m sure dear Mex here will agree, though I''m not too sure that''s a good thing

I think PigPen nailed it with his first response.

Be a friend first... Be honest with your feelings. Basically, what you conveyed to us, you need her to hear the same thing.

So tell her.

"Smials" wrote:

I can tell you from experience, that staying friends with exes - even if they are nutty and crazy bitches - is much easier than it often seems, and quite recommended, as long as you can handle it.

Oh yeah, specially if they''re hawt. They''ll introduce you to similarly hawt girls

"Smials" wrote:

I''m sure dear Mex here will agree, though I''m not too sure that''s a good thing :)

Well, I do agr... Hey!

On topic, I was thinking about something you posted, Demos. There are times to lay back, and times to press. Now is a time to press.

Whenever anyone says ""I don''t need you, I''m tough, I''m independant.."" guess what? They ain''t. It''s all smoke, not substance.

She''s upset that she crossed a line with you, and now she feels like she can''t just be a friend.....I''d say this is a good time to lay it all out.

Let her know that you don''t need her support, but you are there for her, no matter what, because you love her, both as a friend and as a GF, and that you aren''t interested in complicating your lives, but you don''t want to lose here either.

Get in her corner, let her know that you are there, and let her come to you.

Just stay the hell out of the whole family drama, and you should be OK.

Well said in honesty Mateo

Just stay the hell out of the whole family drama, and you should be OK.

God I haven''t laughed that hard in such a long time. See Reaper worse day thread for those that don''t know.

I feel for you, I really do... I''m assuming you are still young. I always go with ""Be Prepared"" as a motto. (I was once a cub scout.) Be supportive of her, don''t make a huge issue out of it. Ultimately it''s the decision of the one leaving that determines the outcome. If it turns out that she wants to go with this other guy, really, put your feelings behind you and DON''T take it personally... and always take the higher road. If she''s happy to stay with you, forgive and forget... and be understanding. I always believe in giving everyone a second chance... and only ONE! If they mess up again, accept your losses and move on cleanly. For everyone that says you can stay friends afterwards, at least I''ve found, it''s not true. Good luck with your situation.

-Brannil

"Demosthenes" wrote:

The base system works like this Mex...

Pfft, kids these days. Back when I was a young lad, the base system was first == kiss, second == up shirt and/or down pants, third was usin'' the ol'' mouth (trying to keep this pg-13), and home run... yeah. But what do I know, I struck out most of the time. Oh, about the girl. You gotta give her what she needs. Deliver a pizza to her house, and don''t wear any underwear.

Demo- I''m not trying to sound like a dick here, but be careful about how involved you get here. You''re in a serious infatuation period, exacerbated by the fact that this girl is your first. Years from now, you''ll be amazed at how many times you find ''the right woman.''

It''s super easy to get in over your head and telling this girl that you love her and all that, but I guarantee you that if you send her flowers and you don''t hear back from her, you''ll be totally over her in two or three months. So if it comes down to buying a bouquet or making rent, pay the rent. She sounds kinda psycho anyway.

Trust me, bro, you''re gonna be over her in a couple of months, regardless.

The right thing to do in all cases is to talk to her and tell her all of what you''re feeling in a non-blaming, non-confrontational way. The way you put it above actually sounds good.

NEVER WRITE IMPORTANT THINGS IN A LETTER OR EMAIL. The time when you most need tone of voice are for things like this. The time you most need to be able to give hugs and immediate, ""No, no, i didn''t mean it that way"" are when things are most intense.

What you said above is important. Sure she might not *need* you, but you love her and want to do anything you can for her. The most important thing to you sounds like your friendship, and how much you care about her. These are good things to tell her directly.

Sending flowers would be very good, with brief heart-felt note. Brief. And then call right after they''re delivered. Flowers are good for mellowing the mood, and then follow with all of the heartfelt stuff above. Speaking from your own feelings...always good.

The way to mess up any relationship is to make assumptions about the other person''s feelings and motivations, and letting them make assumptions about yours. Be up front. Be yourself. Be caring and loving and all those good things.

And if it''s just too much for her right now. Be willing to be there when she needs, and telling her she can tell you when she''d like to have you around...while things are so intense.

And then call every couple days anyway in a really light, ""just saying hi"" kind of way...cause people never tell each other when they really need them.

"Sanjuro" wrote:

Trust me, bro, you''re gonna be over her in a couple of months, regardless.

Couple weeks, tops. Our Demos has BACKBONE. Or that Outbone thing they were talking about before.

"Sanjuro" wrote:

Demo- I''m not trying to sound like a dick here, but be careful about how involved you get here. You''re in a serious infatuation period, exacerbated by the fact that this girl is your first. Years from now, you''ll be amazed at how many times you find ''the right woman.''

It''s super easy to get in over your head and telling this girl that you love her and all that, but I guarantee you that if you send her flowers and you don''t hear back from her, you''ll be totally over her in two or three months. So if it comes down to buying a bouquet or making rent, pay the rent. She sounds kinda psycho anyway.

Trust me, bro, you''re gonna be over her in a couple of months, regardless.

Yeah, if I were to be nice and craft a ""serious"" answer, this would be exactly what I would say as well. Thanks, Sanj, for being constructive for me.

That''s what I''m here for, dog.

edit: RESPEK KNUCKLES!

"Mex" wrote:

That base system is interesting. Where would Target''s ""Anal Massage"" fit in that system?

Fifth base (yes, I''ve actually seen that term used).

"Demosthenes" wrote:

At this point, I''ll admit, there''s a little fogginess to my memory and it was both of our first times.

Gentlemen, I think it''s a bit early to write the woman off as a psycho, talk about ditching her and getting over it, etc. This [i]was her first time[/i]. I think that freaking out a little bit like this is pretty normal for such an event; particularly when the next day you are wandering around trying to find a 72 hour pill and worried about getting pregnant on top of freaking out over whether you should have done it in the first place or not.

Demos, I think it''s pretty normal for her to be a bit strange or freaked out at this point; you should try to talk with her and try to be a bit calm and reassuring. A lot has changed, and some stability and comfort would probably help the situation. Even if you were to forsee things ending at some point (which it doesn''t sound like you do right now), I''m happy you appear to have the dignity and human compassion to try to remedy the situation. Don''t compound it by being the guy that is her first time and then dumps her in a week.

Mateo speaks words of wisdom.

I went through a similar thing with the woman who is now my wife. We had been friends for 3-4 years, there had been much casual flirting, and then suddenly everything changed. A spontaneous drunken hookup sparked a chain reaction that lasted a whole weekend and suddenly we were in a category that most certainly was something other than just ""friends"".

At this point, I''m thinking something along the lines of, ""this is great, she''s so cool, she''s not a psychotic bitch like my last girlfriend, there are all these wonderful possibilities, etc.""

This also turned out to be the point when she started studiously avoiding me, ostenatiously hanging out with other guys, and basically acting like a psychotic bitch. Well, after about two weeks of this, I finally cornered her, confronted her and basically got the whole ""independence"" spiel. Rather than going with my kneejerk instinct (tell her to f*ck off) I offered an honest, rational response, something along the lines of, ""look, I''m not trying to tie you down and somehow destroy your independence, I just had a great weekend with you, I really enjoy your company, and I hope we can agree to simply leave the door open to see what develops.""

She agreed to take that under consideration, and a few days later life was peachy once again.

"Slyfrog" wrote:

I think that freaking out a little bit like this is pretty normal for such an event; particularly when the next day you are wandering around trying to find a 72 hour pill and worried about getting pregnant on top of freaking out over whether you should have done it in the first place or not.

I think if she''s freaking out this badly afterwards, she wasn''t ok with it beforehand. Don''t get me wrong - pregnancy scares aren''t fun, but to go this flippy (and extreme) when you''re... er, double-wrapped... is pretty excessive for someone who has (presumably) taken Health in grade school.

That said, I gotta go with Sanjuro. There are certainly times when the solicitous ""send you flowers"", ""give you space"", ""talk seriously about how I feel"" advice is good - I don''t ever remember a time in university when that was the case. Girls that age are fscked-up balls of hormones; guys are fscked-up balls of different hormones. Trying to treat either gender as if they are stable members of society is rarely the right call.

"Slyfrog" wrote:

Don''t compound it by being the guy that is her first time and then dumps her in a week.

Um, it certainly doesn''t look like he''s the one acting in a manner.. um.. unlikely to continue the relationship.

Hey Demos. Your quite right when you say that sex does change things, especially between friends. I feel for you right now dude because I went through something similar myself. Myself and this girl were having a great time together and then all of a sudden it all went up in smoke (not saying it will happen to you!) and to this day I am not entirely sure why. The main thing to remember here is that people are complicated creatures and even though you may think you know what's going on in her mind, there may be other factors that you are unaware of that may be coming into play.

Your girlfriend sounds like she has quite a lot on her plate at the moment. One of the biggest things stress and anxiety does to people is cause them to perceive problems to be much bigger than they are. If you girlfriend is not sleeping well either as a result of stress and anxiety, then this will only add to the problem. When you look at all that is going on her life (and how it pretty much hit her all at once), she may be perceiving you as a large threat to her independence when in fact you are not, effectively making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Another factor to keep in mind here is that one of the scariest things in the world to do is after your heart broken, is trusting it to someone else in the hopes that they don't break it again. Your girlfriend was involved with someone before you and may have been hurt bad by this guy, I don't know. If she did have her feelings hurt bad, she may be scared of the same thing happening again with you (even though I highly suspect you would never dream of doing such a thing). She became much more intimate with you at a faster pace than her previous boyfriend and may have not been prepared for the intensity of feelings that she felt. When you factor in the stress in her life currently, the feelings may have been too much to handle and her only coping strategy is to distance herself from the source of her feelings, which is you.

My advice on this matter (coming from a complete stranger I know ) is to give her some time. Make sure you are clear on your feelings and respect towards her and let her know that you are there for her, if she ever needs you. It may not be a good idea to spam her with phone calls all the time which she may view as a threat to her space and independence. It best to be supportive, not smothering.

The worst part of all this is that you may to have accept the fact that you may not be able to help her at all, no matter how much you want to. It is ultimately her decision on how to treat you, and sometimes regardless of your actions and behaviors that is one thing that you cannot change. I hope things work out well for you on this one Demos, and if it does not then I'm really sorry. Keep in mind what other posters here have said as well. It will hurt like hell for a while, but there are other fish in the sea. Judging from the number of posts here and what is said in each one, you have a great network of people who are rooting and supporting for you. I hope things work out well for you and make sure you keep us up to date.

P. S. Sorry for the long windedness of this post and I also apologize if I came off too preachy.

Looks like you got lots of good advice in this thread, Demos.

Since I''ve never dated or had sex with women, I''m not really qualified to give advice for your situation.

Be honest with her about your feelings, including the worrying about her ""friends"" trying to set her up. Its quite possible at her age that she wont respect you being honest with your feelings. If this happens, you will be very upset but to round out the chorus and sound like an old fart, ""it will pass in time"". This wont mean that she''s a bad person or bad for you. It just means that she''s still has some immaturity to work through over the next couple of years. Its the same thing as when you grow out of calling people with glasses ""Nerds"" or looking down on people because they dont quite fit the society norm mold. To recap, its very important for you to be open with your feelings in your relationships, whether its repsected or not. You will find someone who does respect them and matches them... mostly.

You also have to learn and realize when your feelings are typical guy ""jerk"" feeling and be sensitive to their effects on your partner. Dont be ashamed for having them, but dont force them down her throat either. Try and compromize.

Also, as was addressed above, this was her first time. For all you know, if you dont talk to her about it, it could have hurt. Sex with condoms, while responsible, can rub women sore after not very long. Trojans, even lubed, really suck BTW. I have heard lots of recomendations for Lifestyles brand but have yet to try them.

Hopefully, she isnt too influenced by her friends and her parents drama, but in all likelyhood she is. It takes many years of living on your own to be able to seperate good advice from loved ones and when to distance yourself from it as it may be good advice, but not the best advice available. I would say do what you can to be the calming voice in her life. Tell her to takes deep breaths and sleep on it. It sounds like she is getting into trouble because of a lot of knee jerk reactions. Be sure to have her talk to her doctor to prevent issues with her birth control and the morning after drugs.

Your relationship is essentially a long-distance relationship.
The PHONE is an evil tool of misinterpretations and lies.
You get close when you meet, and then you get sucked apart when you leave.
It always takes a big effort to get intimate (not physically, thats the easy part), and then its off again.

IMO long distance relationships are doomed by default.
The effort required to visit the other person, the constant desync and need to catch up, the evil deception tool (phone), etc.

Eventually someone snaps.
In this case it would be her because you''re also being overly codependent and get on her nerves.
That''s just a guess because you don''t really mention that.

Demo, I believe you are doing the right thing. Please disregard those ""you''ll be done with her in 2 months anyway"" cynics. Her psycho-bitch from hell behavior is just a panic mode of a person who hasn''t been in a situation like this yet, has a lot of other stuff weighting on her mind (mother/step-dad thing), and hasn''t matured emotionally enough to handle. Stay true to your feelings. Don''t debase yourself and the girl you love by dragging it down into the soulless indifference.

Hoochie and slambie are conspicuously absent from the discussion, BTW.

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