Ode To The Bastard Who Stole My Blinker Early This Morning

congratulations.

you have saved yourself $25 at Kragen or Autozone. congratu-f*cking-lations.

you have saved yourself $25 at Kragen or Autozone and cost me the same. I don't care so much about that. Like the priest and Jean Valjean, I would have given you the right front blinker of my 1995 civic if you had asked. take it friend. take it to fixyour cycloptic 1995 civic.

you have hurt me worse than the bastard who stole my
surfboard last year, which I stupidly left outside on my porch. I deserved to have my surfboard stolen for leaving it outside. I respect your law of the jungle, surfboard thief.

but right front blinker thief, you have penetrated to the very core of my sense of security. surely objects THAT ARE ATTACHED TO MY CAR are safe from theft. surely i should not begin to fear for my bone-stock muffler, or perhaps my windshield wipers. surely the windows of my house will not be stolen will they? or my left arm when I'm not looking. maybe for your next trick, you will steal Colorado at 3 in the morning, and we will all be surprised when Nebraska has nothing to lean on.

it is not about the $25. I shall never trust another civic driver again. young couples with babies in the back seat. older men in beret hats. nuns. from this day forward all of you are potential right front blinker thieves, and I shall treat you accordingly.

to autozone and jaded disillutionment I go.

Classic.

Sorry to hear that, though. People will steal some really stupid stuff. I had my ''Welcome!'' mat stolen from outside my front door, once.

There should be a section reserved for such prose appearing in GWJ.

Sorry to hear that man. Dont know if it heals your wounds, but in Latvia we had gas being stolen *from the car* frequently during the Gas Shortage period.

Oh crap, your gas prices are rising as well. Sorry in advance

My g/f''s sister had the hood of their red ''95 Civic stolen while it was parked in their driveway. Her husband told me the tale over a couple beers a few months ago and I nearly snorted beer through my nose. He got up extra early that morning and was driving the Civic instead of his usual truck for some reason (I forget why).. walked outside and immediately noticed something was wrong with the car, but didn''t quite know what. That early in the morning, bleary eyed.. you don''t quite comprehend what your brain knows it''s looking at. After staring at it dumbfounded for about 15 seconds he realized the entire hood was missing. Wiped his eyes.. nope, the hood is definitely missing. What killed him is they have 2 dogs and their bedroom faces the driveway and nobody heard anything. All he found was a small dusty footprint in the driveway and the lightbulb in the lamp that lights the driveway was unscrewed enough to turn it off.

I dunno what it is... but there''s something about the Honda Civic that makes it one of the most stolen or parts stolen off it vehicle out there.

Can I add to this?

To The Indie/Hippie/Asshole Motherf**kers Who Stole My PS2 + Games

Thank you. Thank you so much. I hope you will be happy when all the new PS2 games drop and you can play them. I hope the controller explodes in your hands and scalds your flesh.

GTA:VC, Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution, Dynasty Warriors 3+4, Jak II, all gone, all dissapeared because of you walking pieces of sh*t. I literally cannot fall asleep in my own room without locking the door because of you assholes. I hope you have a seizure in your sleep and choke.

I guess it was my mistake. I should''ve locked the door, I should''ve become a room hermit. I should''ve treated everyone who enters my room like a potential theif. I should''ve understood that i''ve been robbed before on this campus, and that it''ll probably happen again unless I take serious security things with my stuff. I guess I should greet everyone who comes to my door with a shotgun, and equip it with a Claymore trap whenever I leave.

Oh PS2 thieves, thank you for reminding me why I loathe so many of my peers. Thank you for rekindling the embers of hate I have for every skinny-ass bastard in his too-tight Jeans and faux-70''s ripped t-shirt. Thank you for reminding me that I can''t trust a goddamn person on a tiny, 4,000 student campus, since you''re all f**kers. Thank you for making me spend an extra $149.99 on a new PS2 for the winter, which I probably won''t be able to afford. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hate you. I hate you so much it makes me ache.

May your penis be filled with fiery flames every time you urinate, may you have hemherroids that never go away. And may I someday find out who you are and where you live.

*sigh*

The guy that lives next to me had his headlights stolen from his mid-90s Maxima last week. Mind you they were not the super-expensive xenon lights or anything, just run-of-the-mill normal headlights. When he came home I saw the two gaping holes in the front, wires hanging out. Couldn''t believe it.

Just beautiful, artistic, and poignant.

Oh my goodness...beautiful prose, yet such as sad...i.e. pathetic thing to steal...

Hey, it could have been worse. The entire car might have been stolen.

And trust me, a $25 trip to Autozone is a lot better than the BS you go through when the entire vehicle is stolen, found charred and upside down three weeks later after someone cut it up with a welding torch and blew up the gas tank for kicks.

"Lock&Load" wrote:
Hey, it could have been worse. The entire car might have been stolen.

And trust me, a $25 trip to Autozone is a lot better than the BS you go through when the entire vehicle is stolen, found charred and upside down three weeks later after someone cut it up with a welding torch and blew up the gas tank for kicks.

That sounds like personal experience.

Thanks for the praise guys. I like your addition, too Pred, and feel your pain.

It really should''ve been more poetic, but I just found out about this, and, to quote, my exact words upon the realization were ""F****** f******!"" so I wasn''t really feeling ""The Bard"" right then.

What your story does remind me of is an experience my father had earlier in the year, when he went to Church and had his car broken into, in the Church parking lot. So quite literally, nothing is sacred.

Also there was my aunt being robbed blind by thieves while she was on vacation, but that''s different really.

I am ... touched. Truly.

May they be skewered on rusty, twisty, spikey, barbs in the afterlife.

Risking hard prison time for a $25 part = Smart!

Great one, Sanj. Just more proof, as if anyone needed it, that all people, until they prove themselves otherwise, should be assumed to be cutthroats, rapists, robbers, and grifters.

Beautiful San. That honestly had me giggling like a fool. Sorry about the blinker man, but thank you ""right front blinker thief"" for creating the circumstances for this wonderfully amusing tale to be told.

A friend of mine drives a 92 Sentra and someone in his complex stole the turn signal lights from his car. The thing of it is, my buddy watched him do it from his porch. So he followed him over to his car and watched the guy install them on his Sentra. Well, at that point it was on. That night we went over to the guys car and took every light fixture out we could get to, piled them on his hood (minus the turn signal lamps), but we kept the screws and bulbs. It was classic! Probably one of my best memories of college

Crazy!

Some kids stole the face of my wife''s radioout of her car once.

So:

They have the face of the radio = useless
My wife had the radio but no face = useless

F***ing kids.

Luckily I''ve paid dearly (first marriage) for all the bad karma I racked up when I was a kid...

I respect your law of the jungle, surfboard thief.

Fantastic post.

My Aunt had her hourse broken into while she was at church. Mind you she''s a brethern lady and had no TV, no Stero, No VCR, no Microwave. She had (and still does) a record player. The stuff they stole wasn''t important (shotgun, change, and I think tools). What made them the worst people on earth was two things. They took and tossed arround the room my aunt''s underwear. She think they even tried them on. (I didn''t want to know that but she shared). That''s BAD....but the worst part of all.... they made coffee! How do you f***ing rob someone''s house and make yourself a damned cup of coffee? My Aunt thinks she knows who did it (figures they went to her church) but there wasn''t any proof so she never went to the cops.

So to you cross-dressing gun stealing penny pinching coffe drinking bastards I say ""Rot in hell you scumbags!""

This post moved me in a way not thinkable before, reverberating down but to the tiniest fibers of my heart''s muscle tissue.

To you and your Civic, I am offering my solemn prayer and my consolation.

Unto the hapless head of the filthy perpetrator who defiled your Civic and your faith in humanity, I am summoning the unforgiving wrath of our CEJ, the tireless hunter of illegal cross-border immigrants who wreck our cars and our lives thoughout the otherwise glorious state of California.

IT''s like kids who steal emblems off the from of the car... you don''t give a damn about the hood orniment... it''s the paint job that''s ruined that sucks

My Aunt had her hourse broken into

I hope they wore latex gloves, the kind that go up to the elbow.

Wonderfully done.

Question: What deparved SOB steals a freakin'' blinker? Amazing.

For the record: Prederick now scares me and I have nothing to do with his PS2. Man, there is some hate there.

Beautiful poem. The terse non-capitalized sentences, the repetition, the sly and absurdist anthropomorphization of a state....

Just beautiful.

Karla

I''ve never had anything stolen from me. No, wait, I did get a mirror stolen from a truck.

Then a few days later a guy tried to sell me a stolen bible. Must have been him.

"Prederick" wrote:
May your penis be filled with fiery flames every time you urinate, may you have hemherroids that never go away. And may I someday find out who you are and where you live.

*sigh*

I like this part, if I may I would suggest this instead

""May a thousand fleas infest your groin"". Wonder if anyone can figure out where I got this paraphrase from? Hint ......fantasy fiction readers may only apply.

"jeffsceu" wrote:
"Prederick" wrote:
May your penis be filled with fiery flames every time you urinate, may you have hemherroids that never go away. And may I someday find out who you are and where you live.

*sigh*

I like this part, if I may I would suggest this instead

""May a thousand fleas infest your groin"". Wonder if anyone can figure out where I got this paraphrase from? Hint ......fantasy fiction readers may only apply. :D

Salvatore.

"Jadawin" wrote:
"jeffsceu" wrote:
"Prederick" wrote:
May your penis be filled with fiery flames every time you urinate, may you have hemherroids that never go away. And may I someday find out who you are and where you live.

*sigh*

I like this part, if I may I would suggest this instead

""May a thousand fleas infest your groin"". Wonder if anyone can figure out where I got this paraphrase from? Hint ......fantasy fiction readers may only apply. :D

Salvatore.

That was fast.

"jeffsceu" wrote:
"Jadawin" wrote:
"jeffsceu" wrote:
"Prederick" wrote:
May your penis be filled with fiery flames every time you urinate, may you have hemherroids that never go away. And may I someday find out who you are and where you live.

*sigh*

I like this part, if I may I would suggest this instead

""May a thousand fleas infest your groin"". Wonder if anyone can figure out where I got this paraphrase from? Hint ......fantasy fiction readers may only apply. :D

Salvatore.

That was fast. :D

Wasn''t it the fleas of a thousand camels?

Sorry about the blinker, but thanks for the entertaining read. For a similar tale read this CraigsList archive.

This is a new one. Stole a blinker?!?!?! Man, that''s just weird...