Joke Thread

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.

He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,”

The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said.

The boy replied, “Really!? What position did she play?”

I recently joined a nudist colony..
The first week was the hardest
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther
He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

You: Would you like a keto burger?
My anaconda: No.

NSFW

Spoiler:

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new f*cking boat."

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Spoiler:

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

A computer programmer’s husband asks her to go to the store to get some groceries.

“Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen”.

She returned with 12 loaves of bread.

farley3k wrote:

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Spoiler:

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

He posts here!

UpToIsomorphism wrote:
farley3k wrote:

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Spoiler:

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

He posts here!

You know he died in 2017, right?

Stengah wrote:
UpToIsomorphism wrote:
farley3k wrote:

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Spoiler:

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

He posts here!

You know he died in 2017, right?

Interesting that he comes up now. I just found a couple of D20 dice that he had in his collection, as well as a poster of a TF2 engineer for his birthday that he never opened and is still in the shipping tube.

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/T1sLqp0.jpg)

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

Spoiler:

More on this after the break.

There’s only 1 rule in learning English

Spoiler:

1.) Their our know rules