Joke Thread

Post your favorites here.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor ask him what happened.

"Well," the man says, "I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

On a College Physics Exam, Answering the question ""Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic?""

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle''s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose (i.e.,Hell is exothermic).

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is endothermic).

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by Ms.Therese Banyan during my freshman year, ""That it will be a cold night in hell before I go out with you,"" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a relationship with her, the second case cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic.

Okay, I suck at remembering jokes, so I basically only can tell the one I heard a few days ago. It''s a true sensation.

What''s separating 3 alcoholics and 6 nymphomaniacs?

...

The cockpit door.

AHAHAHAHAHA. Alright.

Who''s heard about the bulimic bachelor party?

What do you tell a woman with one black eye?
Don''t make me tell you again!
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She has already been told twice.

http://jokes.ncbuy.com/
pretty good Joke Site

Good jokes here should keep you busy for a little bit.

"Flux" wrote:

What do you tell a woman with one black eye?
Don''t make me tell you again!
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She has already been told twice.

Why do women wear white on their wedding day?

Cause the dishwasher has to match the fridge!
___________________________________________

Why did the woman cross the road?

It doesn''t matter, first off what is she doing out of the kitchen, and secondly where did she get shoes?
___________________________________________

I''m in no sense anti-woman or anything, just heard these and laughed. Actually Pyro told me them. And he likes males. Male goats that is.

A hunter calls 911 and announces in a panicky voice that he thinks he''s killed his buddy by shooting him accidentally. Now he''s at the body and it'' s not moving, but he might be breathing or something, and what does he do next?

The operator says, ""Okay, sir, calm down. What I want you to do is to check him over and make sure he''s really dead. Can you do that?"" The man says he''s not sure, but he''ll try.

The operator hears rustling noises, then moments later a shot rings out.

""Okay, I''m sure he''s dead now. What next?""

Robear

That was a great site, Leaping.

Glad you liked it. Good entertainment one afternoon at work.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were out in de swamp fishin'' one day. Now, usual, they wouldn'' catch much fish, they warn''t the luckiest cajuns in de swamp, yah?

But dis day, them two cajuns, they was reelin'' dem fish in like to you wouldn'' believe, sha!

By the time they was done, dem two cajuns, they was loaded down wit fish more''n they''d ever seen.

They head back, turn de boat into de rental place, and then they headin'' on back home. Thibodeaux, he say, ""hey Boudreaux, you mark dat fishin'' spot so''s we can find it again?""

Boudreaux, he say ""you bet, sha! I put a big red ''X'' in de bottom o''de boat, Thibodeaux!""

Thibodeaux, he stare at Boudreaux, gettin real mad-like. He shout out ""what wrong wit you, Boudreaux! How you sure we gonna get de same boat next time?!""

And that, friends, is Cajun humor. I''ve got plenty more where that came from. What I find particularly amusing is, since moving to Iowa, there are a great many ""Pollack"" jokes around here was are essentially the same jokes, but with Pollacks instead of Cajuns in them.

"Farscry" wrote:

And that, friends, is Cajun humor.

As opposed to Creole humor, which makes you sweat profusely while you laugh.

A man walks into a bar..says ouch.

This guy pulls up to a gas station, the attendent gets out to fill the guys tank(they are in oregon of course). He notices the guy has 2 penguins in the back seat. So he says ""Hey buddy what you doing with 2 penguins?"". The guy in the car says ""I dont know, i just found them. No idea what to do with them."" The attendent says ""Why dont you take them to the zoo"". Guy in the car says ""Thats a great idea"". The next day the attendent notices the same guy pull up and he still has the 2 penguins in the back seat. He asks ""I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo?"" The guy in the car says ""I did, we had a great time, we''re going to the beach today"".

Thats it, im spent.

"Red Foxx" wrote:

Listen I''m gonna show you how you can make a story out of a sentence by leaving one word off each time. Here''s the sentence:

Oh, George, let''s not park here.
Oh, George, let''s not park.
Oh, George, let''s not.
Oh, George, let''s!
Ooh, George!
Oooh!

This was officially listed a the world''s worst joke:

What is long, brown and sticky?

A stick!

This is my favorite:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
""Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.""

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: ""There are only nine words here. You could send another "˜Woof' for the same price.""

""But,"" the dog replied, ""that would make no sense at all.""

The cockpit door

What''s a cockpit door?

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:""Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?""

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn''t know what ""food"" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn''t know what ""honest"" meant.

In Western Europe they didn''t know what ""shortage"" meant.

In China they didn''t know what ""opinion"" meant.

In the Middle East they didn''t know what ""solution"" meant.

In South America they didn''t know what ""please"" meant.

And in the USA they didn''t know what ""the rest of the world"" meant.

This was actually a cartoon I saw over the weekend & I thought it was a riot.

An elderly couple are dancing together & the woman says to the man, ""No, I said I have acute angina.""

An old Florida farmer decided to visit a pond in the back of his property that he had not visited in a long time. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he discovered a bunch of young women were skinny dipping in his pond. He politely made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, ""We''re not coming out until you leave!"" The farmer replied, ""I didn''t come down here to see you skinny dipping. I''m just here to feed the alligator."" Moral of the story: Old age, cunning and treachery will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

Arise thread! Rather than create a new thread I looked for a joke thread and vola!

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says

“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”

“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment then said

“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

From /joke

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Spoiler:

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...
Spoiler:

...and then I saw her face...

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
Spoiler:

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

Spoiler:

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

What do you call a nose with no body?

Spoiler:

Nobody knows

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

40 Dumb, Funny Jokes That You Can Laugh At And Tell To Your Friends

. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months, they say his days are numbered.

2. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

3. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

4. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

5. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

A: Who’s your favorite Muppet?
B: The Vampire.
A: He doesn’t count.
B: I can assure you he does.