This piece of literary terror is courtesy of Thursday Night Raven Shield.
It was just another dusky early evening in Sunnydale, CA. Teens everywhere were getting ready for another suicide filled night. But there was one who would not be committing suicide tonight and would probably be getting laid by a hot chick.
His name... is unimportant. Everyone just calls him, 'Pyro.' Pyro was from Kentucky, a small and unassuming state that is famous for lots of gold and having the most inscrutible accent in the First World. He was also a total bad ass. One time, he totally killed like twenty three terrorists and even one with a knife. He had a knife, not the terrorist. The terrorist was totally ready to destroy the world with a super dirty bomb. It was like a dirty bomb but bigger. It was also rumored that Pyro was a twentieth degree black belt and actually knew Goku's Kamehameha Wave attack but that's another cool story. No one knew if he knew because anyone who asked him, he would kill because you didn't *@($ with Pyro.
Sunnydale used to have problems with vamps and demons and stuff but Pyro knew Buffy, the most famous Slayer ever, and she called him and they totally killed a lot of them. After he was done killing a lot of them, there was one left.
The vampire glared at Pyro, rage was evident in his soulless eyes, 'One day' he hissed, 'A vampire will kill you, Pyro!'
Pyro's eyes narrowed and instead of saying something, he took his fully automatic Heckler & Koch G36K which had special silver bullets filled with holy water and shot him until he vaporized. Vampires, while being super strong like Clark Kent aka Superman, are vulnerable to sunlight, silver, holy water, the symbol of the crucifix, being decapitated, or impaled. Pyro like being safe rather than dead. Or worse turned. Even though Pyro didn't want to be turned, it wouldn't be too bad because you'd live forever and no one could pick on you in high school anymore.
Buffy was there too and she was killing vampires and some demons. When she was done she walked over to Pyro.
"Wow. You're still really good at killing stuff, Pyro."
Pyro grinned and turned to her. He noticed her shirt was torn from battle and told her to take it off and she did. She wasn't topless but she might as well have been. It was really cold in the dank den of evil.
"Y'all are right, babe," he drawled in his thick Kentucky accent. "I am really good."
Buffy realized his hidden sexual inuendo and took him back to her house and they had really hot sex all night because Pyro was a total stud.
It was morning now. A beautiful California morning so it was nothing like the Midwest where it was cold and rainy.
Pyro woke up in Buffy's bed. She was asleep next to him, totally naked! But this didn't surprize him at all. He shook her until she woke.
Her beautiful angel eyes fluttered open and the first words out of her mouth were, "It wasn't a dream!"
"Hey babe," he replied, "Every day is a dream with me."
She agreed and took a shower. After she was done, she made him breakfast. Grits, because he liked them and he was from the South.
They were both dressed now but Buffy thought maybe she could get him undressed again.
"So," she started, "What have you got planned today?"
Pyro knew exactly what she wanted but he had a job to do.
"I've got a job to do. Someone hired those vamps to bring me here. It was probably those commie hippies from Russia I beat down a while back. It makes perfect sense."
She agreed but wondered what he was going to do.
"Pyro, you need to be careful. Those dopers don't feel pain like you or I. Plus they don't speak good English so you don't always know what they want."
"Don't worry, babe. I've got a plan and a few buddies to call."
Pyro had a cell phone with nation wide calling because he could afford it and called his elite team of other guys he had worked with before.
The unofficial leaders of this team were Certis and Elysium. They were cool but kind of like Cyclops, sort of square.
There was Gaald, he was an assualt specialist with amnesia and Tourette's syndrome. He was usually swearing at someone but he couldn't always remember why but only after he shot them.
Kegboy was also there, he was reformed IRA marksman who just wanted to kill evil now.
Finally Reaper was their technical specialist. He had been Army Green Beret but he was kicked out for a bad attitude and because he knew too much stuff. Some people thought he was a nerd but Pyro knew he was actually pretty cool because they had killed a lot of people and Reaper had helped him disarm the super dirty bomb.
They all met at Fang's house in Frisco. Pyro didn't like the Bay Area because it was a hot bed of communist sympathizers but Reaper knew it would be perfect because they would never suspect anything.
Fang was really cool too. He was the secret owner of Wizards of the Coast and Microsoft and he was also a skilled mage, probably more powerful than Gandalf but we'll never know because Gandalf was on Middle Earth.
Fang cast powerful magic spells on everyone but Pyro because Pyro was so powerful already that it might effect the natural order. They all set out to the secret communist base that Pyro had discovered by beating up some pimps who were really communists.
When they got there they found it was empty except for some traps. Reaper disarmed them and Pyro realized that it was just a ruse to lure him away from Sunnydale. They commies were going after his one true love, the ultra powerful witch, Willow.
He had met Willow a long time ago and they instantly fell in love. She loved him for his ability to really kick ass and he loved her because she was a hot red-head and he knew she would be a powerful witch one day. But they didn't go out because he was still living with his parents then.
They went back to Fang's and were getting ready to use instant transmission when suddenly CNN came on and said there was a terrorist attack at the Golden Gate Bridge. Fang knew he had to stay and protect his city but he would need help. Gaald stayed because he forgot why he was there in the first place, and so did Certis and Elysium because they were cool like that.
Reaper decided to go with Pyro because he heard the commies might be using AN-94's, really cool rifles that were supposed to be in Counter Strike 2.0 and he wanted to capture one.
Fang sent Reaper and Pyro right away back to Sunnydale...
BACK IN SUNNYDALE1
Pyro had been correct in his initial assessment of the situation. The communists had lured him to Frisco to capture Willow. They knew Buffy along with a bunch of other chicks had been totally meaningless and that Pyro really only cared about Willow. Commies had a super spy tailing Pyro.
They decided to hold Willow captive under the old factory where Spike had done that a bunch but they didn't know that Pyro had saved people there on two nonconsecutive occasions and it was as close to a second home as Pyro would ever have.
Pyro and Reaper low crawled to a window that looked into the basement. Reaper had brought his brand new HK SMG 2 with silver bullets just in case and a Beretta M9 pistol with a laser sight. He also had some grenades and hacking equipment.
Pyro had his G36 and his special knife. That would be all he needed. Pyro looked around and saw like twenty guys.
'No problem,' he thought, 'I just hope Reap doesn't get in my way.'
Reaper was cool but sometimes he'd get distracted when someone made an erroneous statement about a gun. Reaper knew a lot about guns and he just wished people would listen to him. One time, in a bad firefight, Gaald and him began arguing about the Skorpion automatic pistol. It's a total piece of crap and Gaald wouldn't listen to me and Reaper had to tell him a lot until he stopped using it.
That was Reaper's fatal flaw, he just wanted to make sure everyone used a weapon they were comfortable with, whether it was a bad guy or a good guy. He didn't know about how evil some people could be but Pyro did because Pyro totally walked the razor's edge between light and dark. That's what Buffy liked about him. He was like Angel but warm and not a vampire.
But Pyro loved Willow and that's why they were there.
"Okay Reap, I'm gonna sneak up on the leader and kill him. You wait until my signal and then light up on their asses. But no flashes or frags."
Pyro was really brave and his woman was in trouble. He carefully snuck into the basement. He nearly got found out but luckily Reaper had a Silenced HK Mark 23 pistol. It was really similar to Solid Snakes SOCOM pistol but lighter. Reaper totally shot the guy and Pyro caught his body before it hit the floor.
This just made it easier for Pyro. He took the guys clothes and now he looked like a guard. Pyro pulled the big furry Russian hat down low so they couldn't immediately recognize him.
Pyro walked up to the head guard. They had Willow strapped to a table in nothing but her Victoria Secret's underwear.
"Vell my deer! Et seemz your Pyro haseen't koom at all! HAHA!"
All the Russian bastards laughted and Pyro nearly stabbed the *)#($! there but he didn't.
"Ewe moost tell os one zing... vy do ewe luv him? HAHAHAHA!"
Pyro had just about sprung his trap but he wanted to hear her answer.
"Why do I love him? Because he made me realize I actually do like guys, he's really hot, he can really kick ass!"
Pyro would have cried right there because he really loved her too but he needed to finish this.
He tore off his hat and bellowed, 'DIE YOU RUSSIAN HIPPIE *#@$'S!!'
He threw his knife and killed the head guy right there. He shot a lot of them while Reaper killed some too but he was too busy trying to figure out who had the AN-94's.
After a really cool battle, in which Pyro did a perfect jump hurricane kick and killed someone, he freed Willow.
"Pyro..." she said.
"What's going on, babe?"
"You really came!"
Pyro grinned and was going to say something when a shot rang out. Pyro leapt to the floor with Willow in his arms.
'sh*t!' he thought, 'Were was Reaper?'
Reap had been shot by Keg. Keg had showed up after the bridge was secured but he thought Reap was a terrorist and shot him accidentally. Ironically, Keg had found the AN's and really liked them.
Keg felt really bad and took off but not before Reap could forgive him.
"Keggers... it's cool man... I was acting like a terrorist. Who peaks around a door?"
Keg still felt really bad and left anyway.
As Reap lay there dying, Willow who was a really powerful witch tried to heal him but couldn't for some reason.
"Pyro... P... P..." Reap tried to speak but only sputtered and he had a sucking chest wound. Reap would have told Pyro how to fix it but he could barely speak and this was more important.
"Pyro," he continued, "I think Keg might be the traitor. Kill the bastard!"
"Save your strength, bud. You'll need it."
"No... it's... too late. Tell Faith that I love her."
"Hey man, you know it."
With his last breath, Reaper muttered, "Kill the bastard!"
Willow asked him if he knew if Keg was the traitor.
"No babe. He was just a pawn. I couldn't tell Reaper that because he was gonna die. That'd just be messed up thinking you'd been killed by a team mate."
"Who is the real traitor."
"That isn't important. But I'll get the traitor."
After a long night of hot threesome sex between Pyro, Willow, and Buffy, Buffy went to go "help Faith grieve" and left them alone.
Willow touched Pyro's massive bicep and asked him, "Pyro, do you love me?"
"Only if there were two of you, babe."
She grinned and knew what he meant.
"Hey, why couldn't you save Reaper?"
She sat up and revealed her beautiful naked breasts.
"I don't know. Usually it wouldn't be so tough but he didn't revive."
"Huh. I don't think we've seen the last of him."
It was true... in the packed Sunnydale morgue, between the communists and the teens was a lone empty body bag. Because as we all know, someone who knows about guns can't really be killed by them. Besides, it was rumored that Reaper was actually a demi-god of weapons and couldn't really die.