The Quiet House

My wife and two kids are visiting the grandparents on the Gulf Coast for the last two weeks and the next two to come. While I was able to join them for the first week of the journey, I came home some ten days ago so I could get back to work. Since then, I’ve had the house to myself.

When I get home from work tonight, the Xbox controller will be exactly where I left it. My PC will be waiting in its idle state exactly as it had been when I turned off my game last night. There will be no new dishes in the sink. The downstairs room will still be clean, and there will still be plenty of milk left in the fridge. You can see the jealousy in the eyes of some of my co-workers when I mention that I’ve got my place to myself for a month and describe this kind of existence. They’re absolutely right to be jealous.

I have two boys whom I dearly love, but there are days where I pull into the garage and I can hear them crashing and shouting through the house before I even get through the door. I know when I push through into the foyer, I will be greeted with chaos. There will be a wet swimsuit perplexingly left on the stairs, or there will be a small, unexpected pile of Goldfish crackers crushed under my son’s beanbag chair, or there will be a pup tent fully set up in the living room with my boys swinging flashlights at each other inside like they’re lightsabers.

Today I will come home and the cat will quietly pad toward me to verify my identity, and that will be the extent of the chaos. It will be glorious, and also a little sad.

Living on my own is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

I always feel a little bad relishing the alone time so much. I am, by my nature, a quieter person than people tend to expect, and I recharge best in isolation. I describe to my wife sometimes not speaking for an entire day during the occasional weekend where she and the boys take advantage of their summers off with a trip, and I don’t think she really believes me. The idea to her of getting up in the morning, going about her business in unintentional silence for hours at a time seems almost frightening to her.

She describes one time where I “butt dialed” her on my way in to work, and listening in something like horror as I drove to work listening to the news on the radio without saying a word. Of course, I wonder what it is exactly I was supposed to be saying to the radio there alone in the car, but I’ve ridden with my wife on long trips enough to know that she is being sincere when she says it makes her uncomfortable to not have something to discuss to pass the time. It’s part of how she thinks and relates to the world, and while I no more understand her approach than she understands mine, we’ve come to respect and try to make space for each other’s idiosyncrasies.

The boys seem to be more like her in this regard. They have great gouts of information to constantly impart, and will not be swayed from speaking their bits of trivia under any circumstances. It’s not uncommon on a weekend for all of us to go on excursion to get some lunch or go shopping in our contained suburban life, and in the car trip to wherever we are going my wife and both my boys frequently will all be talking at once. All three voices will seem to be directed at me, and it’s taken me a few years to learn that my presence is incidental to the simultaneous conversations, which is liberating for me, because I can just focus on the world slipping by outside the windshield and try to retreat to a quieter part of my brain. I have no requirements in these talk-sessions — firstly because no one really thinks that I’m going to get a word in edgewise, but mostly because no one actually, really wants me to.

I’ve gotten good at recognizing the difference between moments when I’m being talked at, and when I’m being talked to.

In some ways it works well, because I’m not much of a talker myself. I get it from my mother, and she from hers. If I’m making it sound like my wife and kids are constant talk-machines, at least part of that is because of how far in the other direction I’m genetically predisposed to skew. I can go a month or two without talking to my mom, and when I do call, we get right to the point, talk through the key items, say, "I love you," and then get off the phone, both of us feeling like we’d just had a terrific, fulfilling discussion. It takes ten minutes, tops, most of the time.

This horrifies Kristin.

In contrast, my wife may talk to her own mother every other day, and it can take them a good fifteen minutes just to get through the initial, idle chit-chat to get to the point of the conversation. The actual phone time can stretch into a half hour, an hour or even more.

This horrifies me.

I feel like it’s important to bring up at this point that my wife and I have been happily married for 18 years, and there’s every reason to think that’ll end up just being a drop in the bucket. For as different people as we are, our marriage just fundamentally seems to work. For whatever differences we have in our personalities, we end up in perfect lockstep on the important things, and we have enough respect and experience with one another to understand that little things, like needing to get away to recharge or needing to express thoughts aloud to process them, don’t really matter.

Which is why, in the end, the house is too quiet at night, and though in some ways I find it recharging to be on my own for a while, it needs to be a temporary state in the end. You see, I know myself well enough at this point to know that my wife and kids are the thing that tethers me to the world. It’s not hard for me imagine, if left too long to my own isolated devices, that I might disconnect from all the things that matter. I trend strongly to detachment, which is a scary thing to know about myself.

I like the quiet too much. I like the alone time too much. Without them, it wouldn’t be long before I drifted from the rest of my family, drifted from my friends, drifted from the engagements I know enrich my life. I could easily slide into a pattern of getting up, going to work, coming home, consuming entertainment and ending the day without really any meaningful connections.

I’m sure in six months or a year I will again long for an empty, quiet house. But only for a little while.

Comments

My world is very similar, including the reaction our wives share. Nice to see I'm not alone in that. I occasionally do feel like an outsider as a result, but I've had 41 years to get used to it. Ultimately, our family lives in a sort of precarious balance as a result of our differing approaches and personalities.

My wife and children are also on vacation right now while I'm at home alone. This really rings true:

Living on my own is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

It's remarkable to have thing stay where I leave them, and have my time be completely my own, but I miss the chaos of my children and the partnership of my wife. Unlike your wife, mine is very quiet, as I am, but I miss that companionable silence in the evening where we just sit together, doing our own things in a shared space.

It's cool to leave the PlayStation controller out and all, but I won't miss having to put it back in the bin each night.

I'm in the exact same boat, wife and kids are out east for 2 weeks. The quiet does make me miss the din that a 2 and 4 year old make.

I'm also paralyzed by the choice of what game i should play in all this silence.

I liken it to TV. Life with my wife and kids is Hi Def, 4K, Full color beauty. Without them, it's black and white with some snow. I can still watch the shows I like, but it's not nearly as enjoyable.

I always look forward to the time alone before they leave, then they leave and I mope around the house, wondering what I was looking forward to.

Oh, and great piece Elysium. Very nicely done. Forgot that part...

Living on my own is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

I know I'm not the first to quote that particular line, but it deserves it. When my wife and toddler have spent the occasional weekend visiting somewhere without me, all I can think about all day at work is french bread pizzas and Skittles for dinner, and all the Kung Fu movies and Battlefield I'm going to put on the TV. I usually stay up a good four hours past "bedtime" that first day.

And by the second evening I'm already seeing if maybe my brother would like an extra guest for dinner.

Living on my own is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

I know I'm not the first to quote that particular line, but it deserves it. When my wife and toddler have spent the occasional weekend visiting somewhere without me, all I can think about all day at work is french bread pizzas and Skittles for dinner, and all the Kung Fu movies and Battlefield I'm going to put on the TV. I usually stay up a good four hours past "bedtime" that first day.

And by the second evening I'm already seeing if maybe my brother would like an extra guest for dinner.

I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm a quiet, shy person. But my kids are all raving extroverts, and my house has always been a whirlwind of kids and friends and general neighborhood mayhem. It still is, even now that they're all grown.

And my mom is even worse - she's always been ready to show up at the opening of an aspirin bottle, and she makes lifelong friends just standing in the line at the grocery store. People just talk to her, and she's always ready to talk right back.

I've got some friends who drag me out to have a social life of some sort, but generally I'm a quiet homebody. But it doesn't take many days of quiet before I'm wistfully wondering why things feel so flat.

While I don't necessarily identify as shy and quiet, I also don't shy away from being by myself.

A great read for all the 'loners' out there:

http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-The-...

I read this years ago when I was single and living sans roommates, and it was refreshing to not feel like such a weirdo about enjoying alone time.

In an ironic twist of comic timing, this study was recently released, which suggests that people would rather self-administer electric shocks than be alone with their thoughts for ~15 minutes.

I'll trade you those two weeks or whatever hours of isolation and quiet you have left. Name your price.

I've got a 1 and 3-year old who leave the house in shambles on a daily basis. I get home from work and spend the rest of the evening cooking, cleaning, playing, reading. The cleaning part generally involves some sort of bodily waste, often not deposited in the desired location. I get maybe an hour a night to relax and that as often than not involves my wife or television and not gaming.

Before I got married and had kids gaming was a 20-hour a week hobby for me. Now it is maybe 4 or 5 hours a week if I am lucky. That in itself is a huge lifestyle change. I've had to give up on most of my gaming vices and make some very basic choices about how I spend my limited gaming time.

I love my kids and wife. Wouldn't trade them for anything. Is it wrong then to say that the last few years have been among the most difficult of my life. I know this is over-simplified but the concept holds true: I've gone from working 8 hours a day, doing what I want for 8 hours a day and sleeping for 8 hours a day to working 8 hours a day, taking care of kids the remainder of my waking hours and going to bed utterly exhausted every night. I'm an introvert without an outlet and it can really grind me down over time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to throw myself off a bridge or anything. I'm more than happy with my life .... but having kids is like working two jobs. Some quiet time sounds pretty good to me right now.

Nice read and something I'm familiar with, the tendency toward detachment, introvert that I am, and that pleasant noise of family.

Nowadays I let my daughter just run over me with words while I try to say something meaningful and speak carefully so that she can see nothing but love coming from me - even when I'm forced to scold her - but spend most of the time being quiet and trying to hug her and hold her for as long as I can, sometimes playing game around the idea of hugs.

Living on my own, I tend to miss her most than anything else... her and my dog... now I'm getting misty...

Is it wrong then to say that the last few years have been among the most difficult of my life.

A one and three year-old. Yikes! I'd say look at it this way. Barring some kind of freak accident, right now is as tough as it's ever going to get from a time/work perspective. All the more difficult because you're still adjusting from your life before kids. Over the next two-four years three things will happen.

1) You'll just get better at being a parent
2) You'll get more used to how time works as a parent
3) Your kids will continue to grow and become more self-sufficient and capable of something at least vaguely resembling a two-way dialogue.

I've barely lived by myself at any point. I think there was just one stretch in College where I was alone, but what made things worse was the lack of a car and being way more than walking distance from everyone I knew. So while in some ways it was a great time, it was also one of the most lonesome and depressing.

Even so, I've barely had a room to myself for most of my life, and even now have to share a room because my other two roommates couldn't play nice. I dream of a day where, even if I'm sharing a bedroom, I at least have an office or study I can call my own.

I too am a non-talker, and at times it drives my wife crazy. She often will turn to me as we lie in bed at the end of the day and say in an exasperated voice "Talk to me about something!". I'm not the type of person who can just talk for the sake of talking, and I can be quite comfortable in silence.

I rarely speak to relatives on a regular basis, mostly because I don't feel the need to. It's not because I don't love them, or care about how they are. I'm just happy to chat the next time I see them.

I have 3 kids aged 15, 13, 3. Most of my time is spent working 12 hour shifts, and then helping my wife who also works manage the day to day goings on in a busy house. Gaming is a minimum, and when I get those rare chances to have the house to myself for a weekend. I often waste it surfing the net, or flipping through movies on Netflix.. not watching anything to completion. Option Paralysis is what I call it, and it's a nasty thing! My giant Steam list begs me to play something for hours, but more often than not I just end up firing up a few games for 10 min. nothing really grabbing me.

It's when I DON'T have time, that I seem to really want to game.

Life is funny.

Copingsaw wrote:

I'll trade you those two weeks or whatever hours of isolation and quiet you have left. Name your price.

I've got a 1 and 3-year old who leave the house in shambles on a daily basis. I get home from work and spend the rest of the evening cooking, cleaning, playing, reading. The cleaning part generally involves some sort of bodily waste, often not deposited in the desired location. I get maybe an hour a night to relax and that as often than not involves my wife or television and not gaming.

Before I got married and had kids gaming was a 20-hour a week hobby for me. Now it is maybe 4 or 5 hours a week if I am lucky. That in itself is a huge lifestyle change. I've had to give up on most of my gaming vices and make some very basic choices about how I spend my limited gaming time.

I love my kids and wife. Wouldn't trade them for anything. Is it wrong then to say that the last few years have been among the most difficult of my life. I know this is over-simplified but the concept holds true: I've gone from working 8 hours a day, doing what I want for 8 hours a day and sleeping for 8 hours a day to working 8 hours a day, taking care of kids the remainder of my waking hours and going to bed utterly exhausted every night. I'm an introvert without an outlet and it can really grind me down over time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to throw myself off a bridge or anything. I'm more than happy with my life .... but having kids is like working two jobs. Some quiet time sounds pretty good to me right now.

We have a very very similar situation right now, except my kids are 2 and 4 and the 4-year old is really learning about testing the boundaries. I don't want a full week - but I would love a long weekend to be alone.

SallyNasty wrote:
Copingsaw wrote:

I'll trade you those two weeks or whatever hours of isolation and quiet you have left. Name your price.

We have a very very similar situation right now, except my kids are 2 and 4 and the 4-year old is really learning about testing the boundaries. I don't want a full week - but I would love a long weekend to be alone.

A colleague of mine regularly books a 'date night' with his wife: they hire an overnight babysitter, and go to a hotel. As I understand it, they usually use the time to (a) drink in the bar, or (b) sleep.

I infrequently have to travel for work - three days or a week at a time - and I feel much the same as Sean does: it's nice for a bit, but gets lonely fast. I love it, and hate myself for loving it.

ClockworkHouse wrote:

Unlike your wife, mine is very quiet, as I am, but I miss that companionable silence in the evening where we just sit together, doing our own things in a shared space.

*nods in agreement* That's one of those things that I always miss whenever I'm home alone. It's weird being in a place when you're used to the presence of someone else in the same place.

paraphrasing wrote:

Silence is a wonderful state to be in.

...says the man from the weekly podcast

This article rings oh-so-true to me as well. Way to put a big part of who I am into words for me.

I never have managed to find the right balance between listening to something important and filtering out incessant prattle.
I'm certain that I am not expected to really pay attention to 100% of the waffle that is fed my way, by otherwise very lovely ladies (who never shut up), but I have never managed to find the balance.
Maybe because I'm a dreamer, and once I have switched off, that's it. And passive aggressive really pisses the women I have dated off.
"No you're right. I should be paying more attention to what you are saying."
B*llocks to that, I'm staying single.

I could've written this myself. Word by word. Down to the bit where you mention your wife talking for half an hour or more with her mother on the phone... (only that my wife rings her mother *every day*).

I loved the phrase "my wife and kids are the thing that tethers me to the world". I feel exactly that way.

BTW, I'm currently on holidays at my wife's hometown with her parents and all. In a couple of days I will be getting back to work and to a quiet home. And like you said, I'm looking forward to it... but because I know it'll only last for a couple of weeks.

Great post as always

I suspect you'll get a lot more of us identifying with you; we introverts are disproportionately drawn to gaming, I think. I too have an extrovert partner of many years, and enjoy her nights out and vacations (as well as her returns).

Speaking of vacations, I am on one right now, and enjoying it... but also missing home, which I think is germane. Our lifestyles require trade offs. It is pleasant to enjoy the things we gave up, but, eventually we usually realize why we made the choices we did.

Lately all of my coworkers have had this mythical family gone for a week or more and now I am seeing this madness extend to the sites I read. I think you people are messing with me. I get three hours to myself and it is amazing the amount of quality "me" time I am able to get in. Love my family but how will I miss them if they don't go away once and awhile? As you can imagine my wife is not amused when I mention this.

SallyNasty wrote:

We have a very very similar situation right now, except my kids are 2 and 4 and the 4-year old is really learning about testing the boundaries. I don't want a full week - but I would love a long weekend to be alone.

Oh sweet mother does that ring true. I don't even want to be alone, I just don't want all the responsibilities and obligations that I normally have. Give me three days with no wife/kids where I can eat what and when I want, head out - or not - as I choose without having to let anyone know where I am or when I'll be back or what I'm going to do. Let me read, or blast music, or go to friends' places, or sleep, whenever the urge strikes.

I'm feeling a touch in a rut at the moment; I'd like my life to be more exciting, I just don't have a lot of wiggle room right now. It'll pass - my kids will get older and have their own lives - but that's on a timeframe of years. It's already been years; I'm ready for a break.

Chumpy, I hear you brother. I totally hear you.

Ha. I am you - my other half just yesterday got back from a research trip away from home for a month.

I got on with things fine - puttered along, I guess. Now she's back my routine is reinstated, which I'm unexpectedly feeling as relief - but I'm having to get re-used to someone in the house talking all the time!

Chumpy_McChump wrote:

Oh sweet mother does that ring true. I don't even want to be alone, I just don't want all the responsibilities and obligations that I normally have. Give me three days with no wife/kids where I can eat what and when I want, head out - or not - as I choose without having to let anyone know where I am or when I'll be back or what I'm going to do. Let me read, or blast music, or go to friends' places, or sleep, whenever the urge strikes.

Yes! This is it exactly. Just a few days of being only responsible to myself every so often is what I need to recharge the batteries. Getting those few days is the problem.

Elysium wrote:

I like the quiet too much. I like the alone time too much. Without them, it wouldn’t be long before I drifted from the rest of my family, drifted from my friends, drifted from the engagements I know enrich my life. I could easily slide into a pattern of getting up, going to work, coming home, consuming entertainment and ending the day without really any meaningful connections.

This, ohmygodthis.

My wife and I basically keep each other functional and sane, albeit that we come at it from polar opposite directions. She mollifies my misanthropy and keeps me engaged with the folk around me, who I genuinely cherish, but often need a little chivvying to go spend time with. I keep her on the straight-and-level so that the rest of her life that isn't socialising doesn't get lost in the scrum.

IMAGE(http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/78/7a/f6/787af631bdcf1acb62945a94e69c6c7d.jpg)

Are you sure you didn't write an article about me, Sean? Maybe that's how most nerds are after scrolling through the comments of "oh, god, that's me to a T".

Yup, having four kids I can very much relate to this.