It’s been a while since we explored the deeply disturbed minds of the many, many people who arrive, however briefly, at GWJ through questionable internet searches. The reality is that it’s become a harder and harder proposition to scan the search terms that lead, through sorceries I couldn’t possibly fathom, to our quiet corner of the net. To give you some appreciation of the magnitude of the number of search terms that somehow bring up a link to us, a quick look into our Google Analytics reveals 341,464 different keywords and phrases that directed the “people” of the internet to GWJ. That's only this year, by the way.
It’s a daunting task to sift through the surprisingly voluminous number of searches on topics such as what should I engrave on my iPad?; why are so many people wearing fake fox tails and ears?; why won’t my crappy 10 year-old car start in the dead of winter? and please may I see Kari Byron from Mythbusters without her clothes? Each of which have directed for reasons I can’t possibly explain hundreds and thousands of people to Gamers With Jobs. I honestly don’t know if we have a single picture of Ms. Byron on this website, and even if we do I’m certain it’s not in the state of undress or various penetrations that people are asking for.
So it’s been more than 5 years since I donned my disinfectant-covered hazmat suit and embraced the perverts in our midst, but eventually I knew I must wade back into the tumultuous muck and explore the troubling fascinations of these multitudes, if only to entertain. Here’s a rebreather and some plastic gloves. You’re going to need them.
I feel, as always, that I should stress that the following article, while filled with actual search terms that led people to Gamers With Jobs, is definitely NSFW (Not Safe For Work).
To manage the great volume of search terms I was facing, I needed to build some structure around my searches. I started initially by exploring some of the questions and queries posed by many people, knowing partly that I just wanted to wade in the comfortable shallows until my courage found me. For example, a popular search that leads to GWJ was what does shalalm baskur mean (searched by 596 people). Ah, so innocent. So uninitiated. I like to think these people soon found that Shalalm Baskur meant whatever they needed it to mean at that moment.
And so I swam at the surface level, to acclimate myself back into the world of search terms, and I found temperate and familiar waters. 545 people searching for Dannon light and fit smoothie fanfic. 176 people wondering about the things you can only get in Canada. 494 people for some reason coming to us to understand how to shrink leather boots, which seemed odd but innocent enough. Then 95 people who chose, voluntarily I can only assume, to look for Jeff Goldblum shirtless pictures. Like sinking slowly into the murky depths of the ocean, the sun seemed suddenly farther away.
Eventually I realized I must dive deep. But if I were to do so, I wanted to do some good. So I resolved, if I were going to plunge deep into this choking darkness, I should at least bring knowledge with me. And so, to define how I would navigate these many, many searches, I resolved to answer the burning questions that sent the Internet’s absolute worst to our shores.
These are the solutions I offer to your questions:
The Question of Who –
Who else is horny for felicia day – Judging by these roughly 5,000 different search queries I ran across before yours, I’d say a shockingly large percentage of possibly lonely people.
Who needs a girlfriend when you're a level 80 wizard – Not you, champ. Not you.
Who parks in my parking spot – It’s Keith from purchasing on the third floor. He doesn’t even care, either.
Whos gay now rollerblade – Awww, snap. You thought it was we rollerskates, but it’s totally not. In your face!
The Question of What –
Whats the number 1 thing canadians do during a snow storm – Sunbathe
Whatcha looking for, free money – I didn’t even know that was an option! I sure am now.
What's the stigma about men wearing skin tight shorts – I feel like this is one of those instances where a picture paints a thousand horrible, bulgy words.
What's the difference between the male and female body – While we’re at it, get this boy a picture of men wearing skin tight shorts too.
What to say when turning up for first day at new job – To make a real entrance try some of these. “Phew, I sure didn’t think I was going to pass that drug test.” “Does anyone mind if I just urinate right here until I figure out where the bathroom is?” “Who among you shall be my concubine?” “Just so no one is surprised at the Christmas Party later: Yes, it is a third nipple.”
What kind of sex can entertain me on google – All the kinds, Kimosabe. All the kinds.
What happens if I sent picture of my penis to the wrong number – Well, you’ll have to paint a moustache on your penis, so no one will ever know it’s yours in that text. Also, you may have made another person have to answer very complicated questions, depending on who is around when they open that text.
What dose a penis look like – Man. These tight shorts are proving all kinds of useful.
The Question of Where –
Where to get adult magazine for my wife – You just keep telling the 2-am-shift attendant at the 7-11 that you’re buying those mags for your wife, if that’s what gets you through the night.
Where to register to be nude in your own home – Yeah, that’s going to be the absolute worst window to stand in line at in city hall.
Where waldo now help – Seriously, guys. Where the hell is this dude? I don’t think he’s even on this page!
Where is an octopus asshole – Remember kids, commas are really, really important. The answer to this question is either “the aquarium, jerk!” or “I don’t know and I will pay you money not to tell me.”
Where can I get topless pancakes – I haven’t been to IHOP in a while, but this seems like a real leap in breaded-breakfast-food technology.
The Question of When—
When jesus comes back will I recognize him – Surprisingly, yes. He looks a lot like your uncle Patrick, so when he gets drunk at Thanksgiving dinner, just try to remember he is the Messiah.
When southwest airlines wanna get away tickets go away do they come back – Only if the love was real when you set them free. If they never come back, then you know you were not meant to be together.
When a spider looks at you – Your life is forfeit unless you name an innocent to take your place in Spider Hell.
when is nudity in your own home illegal – When you haven’t registered to be nude at city hall. If you need a ride, I think I know a guy who’s heading that way.
The Question of Why –
Why porn at airport – Because, why not porn at airport?
Why is lego blatantly misogynistic – It’s all those phallic bumps on the bricks. Clearly a symphony in celebration of man-parts.
Why is dropping a baby bad – BECAUSE IT IS!
Why gays hate bears – Bears are well known to be rampantly homophobic. Also, they have terrible fashion sense.
Why does my kid suck at video games – I don’t care if you’re four, Mitch, I could make that jump in my sleep. Jesus, it’s like you’re not even trying to be good at Mario! Now I know why it was bad to drop you as a baby!
Why does getting kicked in the balls turn me on – Because you are the emblem of all that is dark and vile in this world.
Why bladerunner sucks – You’re worse than the guy who gets turned on by getting kicked in the balls. Not by much, but enough.
Also, Some Perverts –
Thinking putty sex – Interesting. I’m thinking not.
Sexy nude breast hips – Hang on, I just need to consult this anatomy textbook real quick. Yup, I didn’t think those things were close to each other.
Naked archaeology love pancakes -- … What? Where are these pancakes you guys keep finding?!
Sex sex boobies – In my head, this was immediately sung to the tune of Ice Ice Baby. I’m pretty sure this would be a hit song.
Sex and porn – Yup, that makes sense.
Sex and hat – That does not.
People who have sex whilst wearing a bear suit – I assume this was guy on girl action, because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but homosexuals hate bears. Also, did you just throw a “whilst” in with your bear fetish search term?
Hat sex is a teapot – Do you even know what words mean?
Boobies sex sex sex – It’s that third “sex” that really gets the primo links, methinks. You’re a man of simple but eager interests.
Girls body builders naked boobs and puppys photos – That seems awfully specific. “Hey, Klaus! Watch as I powerlift 100 puppies while naked!”
As always, thank you, you filthy perverts. You bring me great joy, and the desperate need for a shower. Probably while wearing clothes, because I know some of the stuff you guys are into.