In Praise of Lando

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool.

– T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J Alfred Proofrock

Middle age is a crushing thing.

When you hit 45 (which, for the sake of feeling good about my prospects, I’m going to call middle age), you inevitably spend time looking back on your life. Assessing things. And then you feel like a self-absorbed prick for a while, and you move on.

But the tapes that I replay in my head suggest that this should be the time when I’ve figured it all out. As a young male, I learned about the grown-up world from infallible sources: Spider Man and Sgt. Rock, Angus Young and John Hughes. According to them, all I have to do is work really hard, and it will all work out. I’ll be famous and rich and get the girl of my dreams. Things will be swell.

A young man believes these things.

Unfortunately, life has a way of creeping in between the Technicolor rock & roll fantasies and reality. The heroes of youth — Halo’s anonymous testosterone junkie Master Chief, for instance — don’t match with the man I’ve become. Who exactly do I want to be?

“You coming to bed?” asks Jess. It’s not her “come hither” voice. There’s neither the promise of carnal pleasure nor any criticism for a denial.

“Nope. Wide awake.” It’s only a partial lie. I’ve had a martini and a long day, so while I’m not actually wide awake, neither am I ready to head into a dark room, read on my iPad for 20 minutes and restart the cycle 7 hours later. She heads upstairs, and I think about a game to play, scrolling through the endless list of half-finished “big games.”

So many stories.

I love stories. I love being Jack in Rapture, Shepard on the Normandy, or even Link wandering Hyrule. For as long as I’ve been a gamer, there have been two, and really only two reasons I love games. There’s the intellectual part of me that loves the challenge. I love figuring out how to optimize my World of Warcraft build, or my League of Legends loadout, or my strategy for finally getting a diplomatic victory out of Civ V.

And then there are the stories. The best games meld the two, but I can overlook a long list of game-design sins if I can genuinely connect with a character. For decades, it was about the heroes: I grew up wanting to be Luke Skywalker, and then, as I got a bit more cynical, Han Solo.

But I’ve only recently realized that the missing hero in my games is neither the scoundrel with a heart of gold, or that young desert boy on a path to greatness. It’s Lando.

Lando Calrissian. The guy who graduated from his smuggling days to take on the responsibility of an entire city, and was willing to make deals with the devil in order to protect it.

But perhaps even more, it’s Walt “Heisenberg” White, the 50-something, effete, intellectual, meth-making protagonist of Breaking Bad.

There’s no need for spoilers here; it’s clear from nearly the first ten minutes of Breaking Bad that Walter White is, essentially, me. He’s the smart, middle class, middle-aged white guy who did everything right — and still got f*cked.

Not badly. Neither Walt or I are on the street, unable to support our families. There are, truth be told, vast panoramas of people far, far worse off than we are.

But we were lied to. We grew up in a world which laid out a pattern for us. A “Corwin-in-Amber” level maze traced on the ground that, if we’d just keep walking it, would lead us towards privileged white-guy heaven, a place of peace and prosperity.

But it turns out the world doesn’t work that way. The middle-aged-white-guy life from ‘80s TV sitcoms and movies doesn’t actually exist. Instead, we live in a real world, where the line between prosperity and destitution can be as thin as the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers or a factory closure.

I’m not asking for pity, honestly. I’m blessed. But like the working people of every class, and every generation everywhere, I turn to the Penny Dreadful of my age for solace when the sh*t hits the fan. And for me, that care-worn book has, more often than not, been a game.

So as I look down this pile of games, this cornucopia of slavishly created entertainments from some of the most imaginative people of my generation, I’m saddened to see a decided lack of Walter White in the mix.

In the grey dark loneliness of Middle America, what’s missing isn’t another regurgitation of idealized humans on the hero’s journey. It’s a connection. The heroes of my other-worlds seem to have become more and more polarized in the past few years. Yes, there are still nuances, still plenty of “your choices matter” type ambiguity with room for interpretation.

Mass Effect, for instance. What bothered me most about playing Mass Effect wasn’t the false-choices of the endings, but how removed I felt from Shepard’s own experience. I’ve led virtual teams of caricatures in and out of battle a thousand times by now. But none of those Commanders had ever changed a diaper or sat through a boring meeting on marketing strategy. Shepard was no different.

Even more frustrating than the cardboard heroism of a future soldier is the timeless crutch of amnesia. As a writer, I get the attraction. If you’re going to write from the first person, having your protagonist know nothing at the start of your story is a fantastic way to introduce a strange new world, and flow in characters and past lives at will. But it doesn’t do much to make me actually connect to that poor, amnesiac bastard. At least BioShock had the common decency to make the whole trope of found-agency-in-amnesia the punch line of a cruel joke.

As for the countless games that let me build up from nothing — starting as a child in a Peter Molyneux fable or clicking through “background” screens in an RPG — these leave me hollow too. For while I make these stories mine, they are pure escapism, and thus poor teachers. When I was twelve and playing “Torganar the Brave” in a D&D campaign run by stoned theater hippies down the street, I reveled in the stout axe-wielder’s heroic deeds simply because my own life was already a blank slate.

But I’m not a tabula rasa any more. I’m a grown-ass man. I have baggage. I’ve changed the diapers and sat through the meetings. I’ve made the grown-up choices to not buy the electric guitar, not upset the boss, not take off on a vacation I can’t afford. I’ve made the all-too-adult choices to pay the mortgage, do the job, console the snot-nosed, feverish child and roll the garbage can down the driveway in the darkness of a frozen February morning.

These choices may not be noble, but they’re at least, I hope, the quiet, subtle choices that separate me from the true assholes of the world. And they are, always, my starting point for any character I’m going to explore.

How can they not be?

I’m not suggesting that I long to actually play as Charles Bukowski or Tom Waits or Walter Mitty in a game. I don’t want to play at being bitter and angry, grizzled by the world and its realities. What I want is a path. What I’m asking for is an actual answer. Where are the characters that take who I am today toward something more righteous? For every 12 year old inspired by Luke Skywalker to be better than they think they can be, there’s a 45 year old middle-class father of two wondering where it all goes from here, wondering if there was more than a little nobility in Lando’s loyalty to Cloud City, in Walt’s descent into the dark.

Perhaps I’ll just have to settle for being Ethan Mars from Heavy Rain, wandering through the train station, yelling “Jason!?” after a lost youth?

--

Note: Actor Graham Rowat does a reading of this piece on the Gamers With Jobs Conference Call, Episode 307. He starts the reading about 37 minutes in.

Comments

There was alot of what was written that resonated with me. I am 33 year old black man who lives in the south, so you can understand which parts didn't. There were no lies about paths, because there were no laid out paths. I had to forge my own in the face of those who belittlingly told me which way to go. I am not here looking for pity either, but I am also grown damn man with a family, and I have hardly ever seen any characters in most media that were like myself. I agree that I would like to see deeper and more diverse characters in the games that I play with some being more relatable to myself. While I had alot of problems with the current entry in the Mass Effect series, one of the things that I really liked was that Shephard's physical characteristics were completely disconnected from who they were in the story. My favorite version of Shephard that I played as was a black woman named "Imani" who was kindhearted, but didn't take crap from anyone, and always put the mission first. I think this idea of race and gender being completely separate from character in games could have been a great starting point towards the future like Rabbit wanted. It could have allowed us to reset the way we think about such subjects in game stories. From there, we could have moved towards a future where there were more stories involving characters from different walks of life that is done tastefully, and allowing them to have greater depth. I appreciate Rabbit's love for "Heavy Rain", but I do remember a character in the game who was a big black man that called a white man "Cracka". That type of character may exist in the real world, but I didn't identify with him, and I don't want to see more of that in the future. Still, like it was stated at the end of the article, I too am not sure I see a way forward to a future where I will play any characters that are relatable to me. So I guess I will be going back, and replaying the Mass Effect games with another Shephard.

Awesome post, big_man. Have you tried The Walking Dead (ep 1,2,3 so far) yet? It feels more grounded and relateable than most on some levels. Less fantastical (despite the zombies) than some other games I might otherwise pull like Red Dead Redemption or The Witcher 2.

Actually that's a good point. I actually relate deeply to Lee (the protagonist) in Walking Dead.

Walking Dead is definitely on my list of games to play. I'll probably wait until all of the episodes are out.

big_man_cjs wrote:

While I had alot of problems with the current entry in the Mass Effect series, one of the things that I really liked was that Shephard's physical characteristics were completely disconnected from who they were in the story. My favorite version of Shephard that I played as was a black woman named "Imani" who was kindhearted, but didn't take crap from anyone, and always put the mission first. I think this idea of race and gender being completely separate from character in games could have been a great starting point towards the future like Rabbit wanted. It could have allowed us to reset the way we think about such subjects in game stories.

I made the mistake in Dragon Age of making my (Dalish) character look old—wrinkles and short, grey hair. Most of the Dalish background story was accompanied by someone talking about how young we were. Still, you're right that there's promise there.

I appreciate Rabbit's love for "Heavy Rain", but I do remember a character in the game who was a big black man that called a white man "Cracka". That type of character may exist in the real world, but I didn't identify with him, and I don't want to see more of that in the future.

There was certainly a fair bit of problematic dialogue in Heavy Rain. The dialogue and voice acting had a nasty habit of reminding me that the game was made in France.

Excellent article as always. How about Red Dead Redemption? I liked that game because of the full arc they gave John Marsden, maybe minus the Mexican revolution stuff, but the end of that game is one that really stood out as something I haven't seen in any other game. Maybe we don't relate to an outlaw cowboy in the old west but the story was pretty great and kept me going to the end where most big sandbox games lose me after 5-10 hours. Sleeping Dogs did a pretty good job of immersing you in the main character's world too even if it is basically the ultimate male power-trip simulator.