No, you most certainly may not!

Pokédrag: No Queen Is An Island


The consideration was whether to head back into the Safari Zone for the one or two Pokémon I saw whom I didn’t have in my troupe. However, I was all out of patience with jumping around in a jungle and getting to different spots for the mere chance I’d get the Pokémon of my choice. I wanted to progress! Plus, the zoo-like nature of Fuchsia City was starting to depress me, and make me feel guilty once again.

Taking out my trusty map, I began plotting my course. It looked like Cinnabar Island was my next destination, as the only other one was to fight against the ultimate Pokémon masters, or some such game-like nonsense. Seeing as Cinnabar Island was, well, an island, I figured it was time to break out my HM case and tape the Surf ability disc to Artax’s head for a few minutes until he got the gist of it. For a moment I did contemplate which of my water-based Pokémon would be the one to ferry me across the Swamp of Sa— the sea, but Artax could be the only true fit. Just imagine me, Denis, AKA Leeloo Dallas Multi-Drag, riding across the ocean on a drag-king Horsea’s back.

We headed on south.

While out and about and battling various swimmers in Speedos, Clancy decided she had enough of being a cute kitten and adopted a more elegant stance. I am convinced it was to attract a handsome swimmer of some sort or another. Regardless, suddenly I had a Persian with me, all sleek and deadly in her dark bites and scratches.

Now, she failed to actually attract one of the swimmers, but we did come across a female Tentacool. She had a bit of the air of a braggadocio about her, and kept talking about ‘90s sitcoms. After a bit of banter, she insisted she join me, even if she might be too cool for our particular school. She explained that everyone called her Zack. We went on our merry way, while I kept wondering just how much of her act was charm, and how much of it was purely annoying. The matter was not helped when she learned to cling.

Eventually, after numerous swimmers who apparently had water-type Pokémon, but no surf ability, I ended up on Seafoam Islands. Unfortunately, it was impossible to swim around the islands (where is the jump HM to clear rocks in your path when you need it?), so I surfed on shore and entered a cave. Inside was teeming with all manner of water-type Pokémon. And bats. Because bats like caves. Sort of like Batman. I’d left Bruce behind, but I’m sure she would have enjoyed fraternizing here.

Almost immediately, a Psyduck walked up to me and quacked in a peculiar Scottish accent. I say peculiar because it sounded like what would occur if a German person were to attempt a Scottish accent. The result was this Psyduck introducing herself as Dagobert, which told me all I needed to know, Dagobert being the German name for Uncle Scrooge.

Not soon after came a seal bounding up, though I suppose because of copyright issues, they called themselves Seels (supposition on my part, as I cannot conceive of why else they would do something so silly). He was very polite, and he and I started talking. We had a good long talk, as he explained he wanted to try drag, and the he had heard of my troupe’s travels, always hoping I would come by and offer a helping hand. His story was one of not fitting in, and never being as masculine as the other Seels. It created a longing in him to play with the concept of what it meant to be a guy Seel, and so we worked together to give him the name Alice. I promised him we’d have fun and explore whatever he wanted in terms of gender.

Eventually I came to a point in the caves where I was hopelessly lost, however. So I flew back to my hometown and decided to head south from there in order to reach Cinnabar Island. Except I noticed a small patch of grass just outside of my hometown and ran into a Tangela. She went on about her role as a post-modern pimp-ho, somebody who was a prostitute as well as her own pimp. She wanted to explore her masculine side more. I nodded sagely and suggested she take on the name of DJ Pierce.

After battling some more swimmers (at some point or another, if you’ve seen one Speedo, you’ve seen them all), I finally reached it: Cinnabar Island! Daenerys made a happy chirruping sound as we reached the island, it seeming to be the home of fire-types. Considering its name, I figured it could either be that, or the home of sweet breads dripping with icing. I’m somewhat disappointed the latter was not the case, but Daenerys seemed happy enough as she flew around happily roasting things that were flame-resistant.

The island itself seemed quite small, however. It had a gym that was closed, a mansion, a lab, and then a Pokécenter and shop. I proceeded to let everyone rest while I headed to the lab. The mansion was such that, his being a Japanese game, I knew I was in for a not-pleasant time. So I figured that I’d wait until after a good long nap for my little queens and kings. Speaking to the scientists, I received a few offers for trading my troupe away, which made me shake my head. Instead, I came across one scientist who happened to be very Japanese. It is somewhat odd seeing a localized game include broken Japanese English in a game from Japan, but that is what I get, I suppose.

He insisted I give him my Helix Fossil, go exploring and come back later. Deciding that if anything, this might result in an ancient horror being awakened to eat us all alive (too much Lovecraft in my media consumption of late), I decided to enjoy a night on the island instead.

What does that even mean?
Yes, flop on that be... nevermind.
You are such a pretty kitty!
Hopefully that gender is a social construct, and the concept of beauty is entirely made up!


I love the picture captions.

Pokemon has some of the best awkward one-liners.