The mighty drag roar of a Charizard.

Pokédrag: For the Darwin!


Well, that Pokétower was certainly something, dear readers. Having obtained the Silph Scope from Team Rocket in our last adventure, I figured I would jaunt through the tower in my best grey jumpsuit (though perhaps a less frumpy version of it), pretending to grab dastardly ghosts and making sure not to cross the streams. Things are never that simple, though, are they?

The simpler parts of the tower included finding a female Gastly who wanted to join our troupe. Not having previously contemplated whether or not ectoplasm would stain outfits, I found I warmed to the idea, and he joined us under the name Slimer. As far as ghosts who are villainous and then join as cute sidekicks go, it seemed like a good example. Name recognition would also help, even if he was purple, rather than green.

Bruce, who came along to test out some gadgets, also decided his frame was a bit too lithe to continue fighting the good fight. Instead, he took on a Golbat form, which was certainly loud-mouthed. I assume he was tired of the silent Dark Knight. While I was discussing this all with Bruce, who kept going on and on about the dangers of propagating his type of warfare, as it would lead to a rise in challenge (there certainly was something to be said for that), Ororo rummaged through my backpack and took out one of the Thunderstones I had previously bought. It appeared to give her an idea, as she smashed it up and applied it as a new form of body makeup to become Raichu.

It was around this time that one of the angrier versions of Cubone came up and starting butting her head against me. Knowing her family history, I calmed her down, and after a chat, I convinced her to channel that rage into something more productive. Like channeling it through a masculine performance where she could gleefully break things for an audience — all in the name of art! When asked about a possible name, she ventured forth that she rather fancied the name Dante, and I could hardly fault him.

Not to be outdone, Clancy decided this was when he was going to learn Pay Day. All Pokédrag royalty knows that a title only carries so much weight, so we gladly sang about making it rain as we frolicked through coins, coins, coins (which, as far as currency goes, is a bit bulky, and a pain to pick up off a stage).

Eventually I was confronted by a ghost of a Marowak, which looked similar enough to Dante that I assumed it was the ghost of a dead mother who was in anguish. With a certain level of unease, I dispatched her to some semblance of peace. Of course, bestowing peace by constantly beating things up seems a very peculiar way of going about this mission.

At the top of the tower, I ran into more Team Rocket rubbish, and after telling them to vamoose, with a proper pump stomp and maybe a wreath of flames or two from Daenerys, they seemed quite willing to flee down the stairs behind me. I met an elderly chap who seemed pleased that I have both cleared Team Rocket from this space as well as brought supposed peace to Dante’s mother. He expressed his gratitude with a dild — oh, I do apologize, it looks like it is a flute. I suppose I can use this to rid myself of that sleeping Snorlax! Yes, not phallic at all. No sirree.

However, before I paid Snorlax a visit, I had noticed that on my way back to Lavender Town, the tea I had picked up was rather voraciously (but politely) quaffed by the guard blocking Saffron City. He mentioned he would let the other guards know I was on the up and up. Therefore, I made my way to Saffron City first, figuring there would be even more delights to experience.

Of course, by delights I apparently meant more Team Rocket punks. These chaps are really starting to cramp my style. It may be time for a proper reading (read: throwing shade, insulting with a clever wink) going on soon. They were blocking the gym, but I noticed a dojo right next to that rather tempting building. In it I fought all manner of fighting Pokémon (though I suppose all Pokémon I’ve encountered thus far are some shade of “fighting” Pokémon). After a bout of fisticuffs or five, I was told I was a great blah-dee-blah, and given the choice of Pokémon to take with me. Due to his rather simple adornment (simple can be quite elegant), I decided to go with Hitmonlee, who decided she would rather be known as Linda. Simple, elegant, and to the point.

When I returned to the Pokécenter to give my drag troupe a rest, I took out two moonstones. I had and decided to offer them to both Louis XIV and Barbarella, who in turn stuffed them in their mouths. Suddenly they bulked up (I imagine moonstones have plenty of protein) and in front of me I had a Nidoqueen and -king. How simply marvelous.

Now, Saffron City also hapened to be home to Silph corporate headquarters. I figured I would pop in and thank them for creating the Silph Scope. Instead, I found — you probably already guessed — Team Rocket. They apparently want to control all the Pokémon in the world, and Silph was researching various new types of Pokéball. Perhaps somebody needs to let them read about controlling spice.

After fighting my way through ten floors (there was a ground floor, but it was so barren as to be utterly boring), grabbing a key card, and fighting Rush, my nemesis, again, I saw a few more routine changes. My absolutely favorite, and first, Pokémon, Daenerys, decided Charmeleon was growing a bit blah, and went full on Charizard. As far as Pokédragons go, she was quite the sight, and having her walk next to me was a visual feast.

She-Hulk continued to bulk up and eventually decided that Machop was simply too scrawny (as I looked at my flesh, which had exponentially less muscle mass) and took on the role of a Machoke. Now, choking certainly sounds like a much more violent way of fighting than chopping, but I was not about to argue with a hulking, fighting Pokédrag queen. She was also now purple. While it was not be the usual green (or even red), purple is enough of a complement to green that I decided it was an improvement.

After defeating Rush, I was approached by a scientist who, in gratitude, gave me a male Lapras. I was not quite sure what to make of this Pokétype, and after being told she would later help me traverse water, and looking at her ensemble, I decided it would be best to name her Nessie. Perhaps she would become legendary in her own right. I noted a lack of a Scottish accent, however.

It was then that I came across the same mob boss I fought in Celadon City. After a bit of a trouncing on both sides, I emerged victorious, and he fled once again. This week was certainly one for gifts and thanks (a few weeks early and late, respectively), and the president of Silph Co. sat on his sofa as he beckoned me over and gave me a Master Ball, which supposedly would capture any Pokémon. Now if I could determine if this meant they would become a sub.

A queen who would be a king.
And the king who prefers frilly dresses.
Why yes, yes, I did.



Sounds like a great adventure through the Poketower and then beyond.

I just beat Misty this morning in my game of FireRed. My wife and I started playing again and can't stop. Help!