Thank you for choosing Gamers With Jobs!
Please note that by choosing Gamers With Jobs, you waive your right to choose any competing website, company, institution, non-profit organization, blog or crazy street hobo as an alternative games-culture resource. Please also note that opening, reviewing or randomly stumbling upon this document represents acceptance of all terms.
Gamers With Jobs reserves the right to charge you, hapless reader, a fee of $29.99US for reviewing and accepting these terms of service.
It is important you read this document carefully, despite the fact that it is likely longer than most Ernest Hemingway books, has been carefully crafted by a team of high-paid mafia attorneys based out of an impenetrable Manhattan legal fortress, and is specifically designed to be incomprehensible to those lacking both a Juris Doctorate and a positronic brain. However, if you’d just like to roll the dice, skip to the end and click that little “I agree you’ve basically got me bent over a barrel anyway, so let’s end this little charade shall we” button at the bottom, who are we to stop you?
Oh, you want to read the rest? Whatever Perry Mason. Good Luck, chump … I mean valued customer.
1. What the Contract Covers
We can not be held liable for any action up to and including accidentally delivering a map, a highly detailed dossier and your home key to a team of trained murderers. We also can not be held responsible if someone jimmies the tin lockbox we keep on the sidewalk that contains all of our customers’ information.
This is a contract between you (henceforth referred to as “You Poor Bastard”) and Gamers With Jobs (henceforth referred to as “That One Company You Totally Can’t Sue Now”). The terms of this agreement are as follows: We reserve the right to make up the terms out of thin air.
2. Additional Terms
That thing you want to do. You can’t do it. Also, you owe us a significant amount of money now for even wanting to do it, you feckless thief-child!
3. Using the Service
Just by visiting Gamers With Jobs you agree to all Terms of Service and waive all rights to bitch and moan on your blog about it. You must obey all rules and codes of conduct on Gamers With Jobs. Failing to do so will lead to suspension from Gamers With Jobs as well as the termination of access to all other websites and the confiscation of your computer and your nice 50” flat panel television if you have one of those. Also, any games you own … for no good reason at all you can’t play the single player in those anymore.
You may not use Gamers With Jobs to do the following:
* Resell content or otherwise profit from your Gamers With Jobs experience
* Use the service to harm others, such as linking to the Kitty Cat Dance without clear and explicit warnings. (You clicked the link, didn’t you? Just couldn’t help yourself. Honestly, we're disappointed in you.)
* Use any idea or concept expressed within a Gamers With Jobs article as your own, such as the concept of writing a blog post about video games, parenting or self-indulgent navel gazing.
* Bring about the end of the world
A credit card is required to use Gamers With Jobs. Don’t worry, we already got your info from Sony. If you don’t have a valid credit card, Gamers With Jobs reserves the right to open a line of credit in your name, and throw a totally baller yacht party with your money.
You must also create a valid account to use Gamers With Jobs.
Note: by creating a username you are waiving all rights to that name and agree to allow Gamers With Jobs to copyright that username. Also, now that your username is copyrighted, you are in violation of 16 terms of this agreement as well as some federal laws that we muscled through Congress, so you better lawyer up, scumbag.
Gamers With Jobs is a service requiring monthly payments with automatic, involuntary renewals and a four year rolling contract that can only be cancelled by fighting a bear for our amusement. We have a blood-soaked arena already set up for this sort of thing. The cost of this service will be revealed to you once you accept these terms and lock in your account. Here’s a hint, though. You’re not going to like it.
If at any time Gamers With Jobs’ infallible accounting popes charge you in error, you have 120 days to whisper your request for a refund to the wind and hope that divine intervention shuffles your hopeless words to our deaf, uncaring ears.
Gamers With Jobs reserves the right to change the cost or terms of your subscription at any time for any reason, such as if we just get a bug under our skin to go to Vegas or the Moon. Actually, guess what. We just did change the price. See, that’s what it looks like when that happens.
Get used to it.
Ha! Good one.
6. Your Forum Posts
We are proud to offer forums for our users to interact with each other, and strongly encourage their use. Any content posted to our website is the property of Gamers With Jobs, unless it’s something that pisses some other company off. Then, that’s totes on you.
We retain the right to moderate, edit or create from thin air your content. Please note that in many countries pictures of funny cats can be used as a binding contract selling to us vital and high-valued internal organs, and we will sue your pants off (and your kidneys out) in those countries if we ever lock down that black market contact.
Use of our forums is free! We also offer premium forum access including the ability to type in fonts other than Dingbats for an additional monthly cost that we don’t feel like telling you about in detail right now. Please note that signing up for free forum access is only available to premium forum subscribers.
We respect your privacy which is why we haven’t widely publicized the videos of you in the shower that we’ve secretly been recording for the better part of a month. Despite the fact that we question your personal hygiene -- you are aware that you can actually wash your feet and not just wait for the dirty soap water to run down your ugly, naked leg -- we don’t want to embarrass you unless we really have to.
We also respect the privacy of your information, which is why we only sell it to companies that pay a lot of money for it. We do reserve the right to collect and redistribute at our casual, occasionally drunken whim information including: name, address, gender, sexual orientation, credit card information, password, secrets we got about you from an ex-lover, that one picture from that one office party (You know the one!), blood type, full genetic code and/or actual physical samples of your brain.
Bread legionaries squat microns on the fetid cheerleaders. We say this because we know you’re not reading anymore. All our data indicates that the amount of time people spend reading Terms of Service can be measured in picoseconds. Electrons change orbits slower than people skip past a ToS.
Unless, of course you’re a copyright infringement lawyer. In which case …
Hail, brother of the night. Champion of She that Slouches toward the Holy Sepulcher, and opens wide her gaping maw to swallow the righteous. We greet you in the black name of the Dweller of the Dark Below. May your blackened visage be burned into the souls of the devout and your fiend’s sacrament be sweetened by the blood of the innocent.
9. A Bunch of Other Stuff
Look, we know this is all legally spurious on the best of days, and probably openly unethical, illegal, unconstitutional and in violation of no less than 14 war-ending peace treaties including, much to our surprise, the Treaty of Ghent. We honestly had no idea that thing still had any gas in the tank.
But when it gets right down to it, even if we’re completely wrong, what can you honestly do about it? We made more than enough disposable money by acting like complete douchetools over the last five minutes to keep even the most clear-cut legal action locked up in an infinite courtroom Tilt-a-Whirl. We’ll just drop this four hundred grand we normally use to prop open a utility closet on some attorneys that specialize in making it impossible for anyone short of an Arabian oil magnate to hold us accountable.
I mean, we can basically just tell you that you can’t sue us, and that's somehow legally binding. Maybe it's witchcraft, honestly we're not sure, but it sure as spit works. Watch; we’ll do it now.
Ok, here it comes.
Get ready ...
You can’t sue us.
BOOM! Nailed it. We just created a whole reality as a manifestation of our greed-fueled will, and guess what. It holds up in court. At least it does if you have our lawyers, which we hasten to point out that you definitely do not. They basically assure me that I could just put up a document that is an ASCII art of me giving you the middle finger, call it a "terms of service agreement," and, as long as you click Accept, we can do whatever we want. It’s pretty awesome as long as you're us and not you, which again we hasten to point out you are not.
So, let’s just get this over with, huh? Go ahead and click that accept button like the button monkey you are, and we can get right down to the really high-quality abuse we have planned for you. It’s not like you’re not going to press it. We know it. You know it. So, let’s rock and roll, shall we?