Pokédrag: Bump and Grind

Is this town big enough for two Tomboys?

When last we left Pokédrag Trainer Denis, she was taking some much-needed rest in Cerulean City, having barely managed to lead Daenerys the Charmeleon to claw her way out of Mt. Moon. It was a dark, treacherous path, but she made it, and the first step after the Pokécenter was to go shopping! Unfortunately, the Pokémart was rather lacking in the latest Pokéfashions, so Daenerys and I decided the next stop would be the gym!

Since I was training Pokédrag performers who had a variety of skills — not just their fabulousness — it was important to get to the gym regularly. What I found was a rather large swimming pool; it appears Misty, the gym leader, was a rather respected figure, and having boys in Speedos around was certainly a way to catch many of my queens’ eyes. She herself had the name the "Tomboyish Mermaid." My troupe and I chatted up the locals, and then defeated their Pokémon with a quickly placed bolt here and there from Ororo, who was quickly growing to become my top queen. I was a bit surprised when a random Goldeen pointed water sports in my direction. I asked her trainer to please inform me of such things next time.

Then it was time for Misty. She, unlike Brock, actually asked questions. What was my approach with my Pokémon? I started to explain that I had different styles based on my queens and kings’ various strengths when she went ahead and yelled that she likes water and splashed me as she threw down a Pokéball.

There are many things you do not do in life. Throwing water on a drag queen may be near the top of that list. Just. Don’t. Do. It. You will call the wrath of the unicorn rainbow gods upon your poor noggin. Or so I thought.

First Misty threw a Staryu, the culprit who splashed as he made an entrance. I glared, Ororo crackled, sizzled, and popped out a thunderbolt, quickly decimating the foe. Grinning, I decided then and there that this gym was only big enough for one tomboy, and then he came. Starmie. One, two, three, four, five, six water pulses later, my Pokédrag companions all lay on the floor, makeup dripping off their faces, stippled, brushed facial hair blending into so much brown and black mush. It was hard to tell where the water pulse ended and tears began. I was devastated.

Running to the Pokécenter, I washed up my queens and kings and assured them we would show that Starmie a lesson. What began next is best imagined as a montage. Rapping some Nicki Minaj songs in their direction, we headed into the grasses and defeated wild Pokémon after Pokémon. It was here we experienced two new developments.

First, we caught an Ekans. Upon hearing the name, my perfectly plucked eyebrow raised, and it took me a moment to realize this snake-like Pokéwoman was telling me her name was her species backwards. That. That would simply not do. Immediately, I offered her the stage name of Solid. She slithered under a nearby rock, and soon I received a strange beep and her voice told me she’d accept.

Following that, Anastasia, my Kakuna, managed to change her style once again. Tired with the rather pupa-looking style she had donned, she suddenly got serious. A Beedrill! She was looking quite sharp and on point, and her furious changes kept me astonished. Here was a queen out to impress.

Then training. And more training. And yet more. My voice was hoarse, my eyes glazing over, and I decided to see if there was something north of Cerulean City. Running into Rush, I once again trounced his sorry excuses for Pokémon. Then Rush, that contemptible sneak, dared to suggest I was a gossip while he tossed a famechecker my way. Apparently it let me track what I heard about important figures? I was not aware they had tablets directly wired into ONTD in this world.

Ah well, I hardly consider myself that much of a gossip, excepting the fact that I am pouring out my days and thoughts into this space as if I were some wayward teen discovering LiveJournal for the first time. Making my way across a bridge, I suddenly was beset by five young people who kept wanting to test their Pokémon against me. They kept promising a reward if I could get past all five, and I started to wonder if I was walking a steadily more dangerous hazing line to an undesirable end.

Indeed, after reaching the final person on the bridge, and then after refusing the less than polite offer to join Team Rocket (Seriously, those uniforms? Not my style.), I was attacked again! All the while Ororo kept up her shocking routines while Daenerys laid sick burns on the poor sots who stood in her path. After a bit more traveling and meeting more trainers who confided all manner of exclamations (Men, please realize that if you tell me you have a girlfriend without any prompting, I begin wondering when you will start hitting on me; stop projecting), I finally came to Bill’s house.

Many had mentioned Bill, the supposed Pokémaniac. The plan was to march in with full regalia, showing off the eleganza of my troupe. Instead, I found what I found out was a Clefairy, speaking with a human-sounding voice. He begged me to help him, as he was Bill, but had managed to somehow switch his body? I think I saw this movie, but Clefairies are much more cute than flies. Helping him with his problem, he gave me a reward! A ticket to a cruise ship? He mentioned a fancy party, and while I’m sure he relayed important information about what the ship’s name was, and to which city I had to go, I was already planning my group’s outfits.

This was our chance!

And then I recalled Misty. Offering an unladylike — but perhaps tomboyish-like — curse under my breath, I marched back to Cerulean City and stepped into the gym once more. This time, though, this time I had a new friend along: a planty Pokéwoman I had met on the road to Bill’s who called himself Mendel. This time! This time I started with Ororo again, who managed a quick blast before tumbling down. Then Mendel saw this travesty (recall: water mixes with drag queens mix almost as disastrously as with mogwai) and spewed forth some venom. As Starmie brought down more of my Pokédrag army, I saw his resolve weakening. Mendel had been a hit.

Pinning the Cascade Badge, which gave me the ability to Cut things down, on my shoulder strap, I looked at Misty, and sternly informed her she was no longer cut out for this gym. My next destination? Vermillion City to board a lovely cruise ship.

Water sport'd!
How nice of you to ask!
You ain't seen nothin' yet!


There are many things you do not do in life. Throwing water on a drag queen may be near the top of that list. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

This is a life lesson that every child should learn.

My Elkans' name is Solid, too. She isn't fabulous, though. She is sneaky.

Great headline, looking forward to reading this one.

I wish more people realized how awesome this series was in spite of the fact that it's about Pokemon. I think they're just scared to comment in a Pokemon-related thread/story. Man up, people! I bet you don't play Dark Souls either!

Reading this makes me want to replay all of my Pokemon games. And give super fantastic names to all those I add to my party.