I should learn better to indulge in male gazey elements of these games.

Pokédrag: To Mt. Moon But Not Back


The details are what can ruin or elevate an outfit. This Rock Badge will go well with the outdoorsy look I will be sure to don when I traverse through Mt. Moon, to let everyone know Denis the Pokédrag trainer need not fear rough journeys. Details are also in the little bits and pieces of info scattered about: I now know that a well-placed low kick with high heels is the way to make the poor rock-type Pokémon surrender and go back to their confined spaces, waiting for a fighter not so well prepared. Brock gave me much, but my time in Pewter City was done. I had seen its museum-held fossils and decided that a true geography lesson was in order.

With Koko the well-muscled fighting Mankey leading the pack (well, metaphorically speaking; she was given top accessory spot on my belt), I marched onward!

Except that on the way I found I was once again confronted by people trying to prove their worth to me. The first of these, Lass Janice, left me wondering what manner of spinal injury she had suffered. I made the mistake of staring a bit too openly perhaps, and am ashamed. She rightly confronted me, challenging me to battle.

Unfortunately, whatever afflicted Lass Janice had seemingly left many non-drag women in a similar position. In my own mind, I called it Beatonitis. It almost seemed a shame for me to be parading around with my somewhat practical, if still a bit risqué, attire and not being warped into these awkward poses that invited staring at my posterior and (potentially NSFW link) breastplate. I am hardly one to discount their fighting style for such a disability, however. As we were to be battling Pokémon, I was able to have her agree to the photograph you’ll find attached.

Also, yes, there was much fighting and wrangling of new Pokémon before I even reached Mt. Moon. The first happened to be a rather vocally talented young king I knew I had to recruit. The Jigglypuff, as he confided his particular species was, joined me with name Stay Puft. Not long after, I dodged a stray bolt of lightning, and soon captured a rather flash-bang sort of performer in the Pikachu Ororo. Then there was the fierce and spiny Nidoran, whom we agreed would best be suited by the stage name Barbarella. Upon entering the Pokécenter next to the mount’s entrance, I also managed to haggle for a male magikarp who will hopefully live up to her name of Morgana.

Then it was off to spelunk! We drag performers are well-known fans of spelunking in a variety of settings, after all. But I could not foresee either the variety of Pokémon I would encounter or the trials ahead of me.

Almost immediately I ran into a female Zubat who was tired of the dank cave and wanted to pursue his future as a more grim, stoic king over Goth—we ended up giving her the name Bruce. Shortly thereafter, a woman pounding her fists on the ground as if practicing in a heavy metal band introduced herself as GEODUDE. When I asked whether she meant her species or her name, I received no clarifying response. Geodude it would be, then. What came next was something for which I was unprepared: poison!

I am a fan of fungi. Beyond the puns available, they tend to be quite tasty morsels. However, when I bent over to pick one up for closer examination, I was attacked by a Paras. After a battle that left many of my Pokédrag compatriots beeping at me every step I took, as if I could magically heal them of their woes, I had also managed to attach a Pokéball carrying Amanita. She would come in handy as a first assault in the future, I decided. Open up with a bang. Or puff of poison. Whichever. It will be a gas!

The rest of my journey was just as perilous, and I will admit to retreating to the Pokécenter at times. A queen needs to touch up her makeup every so oft, and a king needs to make sure things are properly tucked and bulging in an inverse measure, after all. Slowly, but surely, we made our way through floor after floor, fighting screeching bat-like creatures, pounding rock-like dudes, and gassy parasite mushroom-thingies, on top of the other challengers.

This? This was a test of endurance. That night when a queen does not report and you rush and scramble to cover? It happened. First fell Koko. Then came Daenerys. My queens and kings were performing, dazzling, and punching and kicking left and right with the occasional gust of wind there, and the other bite here, eager to just see the sun again. That beautiful sun that awaits the end of any journey into the dark, as you blink away the night previous and realize a new day of sleep awaits. Only to go through this again.

On the way, however, I managed to encounter a few standouts. One young boy told me he came here to show off to girls. As I batted my eyelashes at him he threw a Pokéball at my feet, and I did have to wonder what reaction I was expecting in such a child-friendly game. For shame, Denis. For shame. It seems I was not yet embarrassed enough by my encounter with Lass Janice. I also finally ran into Team Rocket.

What a surly bunch! They were increasingly rude to me, and I wanted to tell them that while black is a marvelous color, especially when paired with red, they were not giving it its due elegance or sinister feel. They just seemed so broody. Alas, perhaps on my next encounter I can offer more fashion tips.

Then an exciting event occurred! After reviving a fainted Daenerys from her earlier bruises, and making her quaff a potion, she was evolving! Deciding her metallic claw attacks and small flames were not enough, she decided to up it a notch. Her nails were now a smidgen longer, and her new cranial spike was offering some rather stylish statements about her more aggressive demeanor. She was now a Charmeleon, taking cue from a great singer in the past and vowing to really want to hurt you.

On top of it all, I managed to discover a fossil! A helix fossil? It’s certainly a suitable souvenir of the entire trip. Perhaps at some point I’ll return to Pewter City and have the museum examine it for me. For now, after a quick lesson from siding with a kicking martial artist outside the cave, I decided I needed to hit the Pokécenter in Cerulean City and rest. With half of my poor little Pokédrag queens and kings lying motionless in their little domiciles, it seemed cruel to push them any further. After that endurance run, they deserved a little beauty sleep.

The dreaded Beatonitis in full.
Yes... intriguing.
Meeting girls in dark, damp caves so as to throw Pokémon at them?
Not quite a Karma Chameleon, but it'll do.


It sounds like your journey is going quite well.

This series really makes me want to dig out one of my games.

The adventures of Queen Denis make me wish I owned a Nintendo platform.

I hope more people are reading this than are commenting on it, it's real gold.

MrDeVil909 wrote:

I hope more people are reading this than are commenting on it, it's real gold.


Thankees, both! I know I've certainly chatted with people about in on Facebook, Google+, and IM.

Aeazel wrote:

Thankees, both! I know I've certainly chatted with people about in on Facebook, Google+, and IM.

I've seen some of those. I was tempted to tell them to bring their comments over here.

Well, it bewilders me, but was still an entertaining read!