Reefer Madness: Rolled in Noire

Reefer Madness: Rolled in Noire

The City of Angels is flying high because everyone is tripping on dope weed these days. Fifty pound shipments have been showing up all over L.A., fat bags stuffed inside mariachi-themed donkey toys. The boys have traced the donkeys back to one Freddie Calhoun, erotic propmaker. Calhoun has proven to be surprisingly elusive when cornered, fleeing to his car and enacting a dangerous getaway to the Natural History Museum hedge maze, where he inevitably disappears.

But Calhoun’s a dumb son of a bitch—he makes the mistake of returning to his apartment every single time—and, on their seventh attempt, the detectives are able to avoid crashing into oncoming streetcars and pedestrians just long enough to ram Calhoun’s vehicle into a phone booth. After forcing him into the trunk of his own car (NOTE: possible breach of protocol here), the detectives abandon their own vehicle and drive back to Calhoun’s apartment for a second look. The perp suspect is brought upstairs for interrogation.

Ace investigator Cole Phelps is on the case.

[size=20]FREDDIE CALHOUN'S APARTMENT - 4:20 AM[/size]

Cole Phelps (investigating): “Hmmm ... a mostly-toasted reefer cigarette on the coffee table. The evidence doesn’t get any worse than this, Freddie! First you try to escape to the hedge maze, and now this? You wanna just confess right now?”

Freddie Calhoun (tape over mouth): “Mmmph!”

Roy Earle (dubious): “I dunno, Phelps. Don’t you want to look around a little more? That big stack of boxes in the back, that could be something.”

Phelps: “I think we’ve got all we need to make this guy right here.”

Earle: “But if you look closely, it says ‘Thousand Pound Stash’ right on the ... You know what? You go ahead and do the interview, Phelps. I’ll just tidy these distracting boxes out of your way. Drive ‘em down to the evidence locker. Yeah.”

Phelps: “You’re one of the good ones, Roy. Hey, look at these dishes here, in the sink. They’re so dirty. That has to mean something.”

Earle: “Definitely suspicious. Do you want me to leave his car?”

Phelps: “You go on ahead, Roy. I saw a garbage truck parked across the street, and I’ve always wanted to drive one of those.”

Earle: “Well, good luck with this deviant piece of sh*t.” (kicks Calhoun in the belly)

Phelps: “It’s just you and me now, Freddie. You, me, and my Model P. Anything you need to say?”

Calhoun: “Phommph.”

Phelps (ripping tape off): “That’s what I thought.”

Calhoun: “I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Phelps: “I think we both know what you did wrong. Let me just open up my notebook here so I can figure out all the evidence.”

Calhoun: “What evidence? What are you talking about?”

[size=16]MARIACHI DONKEY LINK[/size]

Phelps: “Mr. Calhoun, are you currently employed at Mexican Prop Heaven?”

Calhoun: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Phelps: “Bad news for you, Mr. Calhoun. I haven’t been out there yet; it’s kind of a long drive. But I’m willing to bet there’s more than one innocent girl under the floorboards, smoked to death by your killer weed. Probably four girls. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

Calhoun: “What?”


Phelps: “You’re lying, Freddie. You got them hooked on the dope, and then you bludgeoned them to death with your dirty dishes. They couldn’t even defend themselves! It’ll be the gas chamber for sure.”

Calhoun: “I’d love to see you try to prove that.”

[size=16]EVIDENCE: ?[/size]

Phelps: “Terribly sorry, sir, just shaking the bushes to see what falls out.”

Calhoun: “Jesus Christ.”

[size=16]REEFER SHIPMENTS[/size]

Phelps: “Did you know drugs are illegal, Mr. Calhoun?”

Calhoun (panicked): “Listen, fine, I have a puff here and there, but I’m trying to break into the business, you know? All the actors do it. I just wanted to be more like Ronald Reagan.”

Phelps: “Oh, it’s more than just being a dope head, Freddie. It goes much deeper. Tell me about the shipments!”

Calhoun: “Shipments? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”


Phelps: “I think you’re lying to me, Freddie. I can trace a distribution link from you all the way to the Legislative Assembly of British Columbia! And where are your Canadian friends now? They certainly won’t protect you from the gas chamber.”

Calhoun: “This is ridiculous.”


Calhoun: “Are you serious? I can’t wait to call my lawyer.”

Phelps: “Respectable lawyers don’t have the time of day for dopers who laze about in back alleyways and murder prostitutes and newsboys. Freddie Calhoun, I am arresting you on suspicion of drug trafficking and four counts of murder in the first degree. The DA is going to love you.”

Calhoun: “You think I murdered four people?”

Phelps: “Hmm. What size shoe do you wear?”

Calhoun: “Size eight, but I don’t see ... .”

Phelps: “Nine counts of murder in the first degree, may God have mercy on your soul. I’m taking you in now, so don’t struggle or I’ll have to knock off your hat, there’s a good weed fiend. We’re taking the garbage truck off some jumps on the way to the station, though. You’ll have to ride in the back ...”

[size=20]CASE CLOSED[/size]

[size=20]1 STAR - UNBECOMING[/size]


Bwahahaha, this is great. Tell me this is a literal journal of the game. I love how you can back off after accusing them of lying and everything is fine.

Really cracked me up, great read

If this is actually from the game, I may have to buy it.

This doesn't seem important.

Gravey wrote:

This doesn't seem important.


wordsmythe wrote:
Gravey wrote:

This doesn't seem important.



Oh, i'm a little carried away there....



If only you could back out of insane doubtingness.... :/

You sit tight sir, I'm going to wander around your apartment and examine all your mosquito coils and empty bottles, and maybe read any newspapers I find. Official Police Business.

I know it's been a long day at work, and everyone's looking forward to getting on home, but I'm looking for some rare cars. I mean, the LAPD are looking for some cars. Police business. I don't exactly know which ones I need, but some of these look good, so I'm just going to ask everyone to pull over to the side here, behind this smoldering wreckage, and I'll be along to hop into your vehicle momentarily.

I know I'm not the only one who was mouthing each line in Phelps' inexplicably bitchy voice while reading this.

Posted this in the LA Noire thread, but it makes a lot of sense to be posted here too

Very well observed, Clem!

I traded LA Noire in, mostly unplayed, because the investigations and interrogations are so annoying. I do this stuff for a living, and would be struck off for misconduct and professional negligence in a week if I followed the Phelps model!