Welcome to the final FINAL version (1.1.*.2) of my FAQ for SupaLong Adventure, the greatest video game ever released!!!
If you follow this FAQ to the letter, it should take you less than 110 hours to beat the game properly. Of course, that’s to complete the game ONCE—you need to finish SupaLong Adventure at least six times to see all the endings and get 100%.
If you started a game before picking up this FAQ, go delete all your saves right now because I guarantee you already missed something. Did you defeat Commandante Evilino in the jumping-jack contest during the tutorial? Yeah?? Did you beat him by at least 25? If not, you’ll never be able to get the SlimFast Exercise Medal later on. The game totally tricked you, making you think jumping-jacks were an inconsequential exercise. Bye-bye, 100%.
Whatever you do, do NOT open any treasure chests during the tutorial. They have treasure in them, yeah, but if you walk your character around each chest ten times and then talk to every villager until they say, “That’ll do, Jeeves,” you’ll be able to come back to Villageham later when...
*SPOILERS* It gets pillaged by Beastbears *SPOILERS*
...To find that each chest now has a Puzzle Piece in it! Combine these pieces to create the Infernal 1000 Piece Puzzle, which is SomberBoy’s seventh-best weapon in the game. No Infernal Puzzle? No 100%.
If you genuinely appreciate SupaLong Adventure, you will understand that missing this item is a f*cking disaster. Okay, but that’s enough pleasant chit-chat. It’s time to get started for real.
[TUT1] Sleepy Villageham ===============================================================
You can watch the beautifully-rendered cinematic introduction if you like, but keep in mind that there’s an achievement for skipping every single cutscene in the game. You might as well try for this one now. Skip the cutscene and wait to enjoy the narrative on your fifth playthrough.
Grab the Weak-Ass Potion from the bookshelf and head outside. Don’t waste time! You’ll want to run as fast as possible across the commons to talk to Jack the Surly Trader, who is on his way out of town. Baby Sally will try to greet you along the way, which will mean missing Jack. Press the B button to slap her in the face if she gets too close, and if you’re quick you’ll be able to catch Jack just before he disappears into the forest.
You don’t have enough money to buy anything just yet, but tell Jack that you enjoy SLAPSTICK humor. This will unlock a valuable combat art, the Eyepoke, later in the game. If you tell Jack that you enjoy IRONIC humor he will kill you instantly. If you don’t get to Jack before he leaves, restart your game.
Now you’ll want to find and walk circles around every treasure chest in the village (like I said before). There are two chests in the Chief’s House, one in Baby Sally’s House, and 997 in the Infuriatingly Large Hedge Maze. You’ll find them all with little effort.
NOTE: If you had to slap Baby Sally earlier, she will try to shank you while you are invading her home. Press the B button to deliver a punishing back elbow at EXACTLY the right time. If you fail, restart your game.
Next, talk to every person in Villageham until they have nothing left to say (“That’ll do, Jeeves”). The most annoying villager is the old man up in the tree fort, who will deliver every single line of Shakespeare’s Macbeth—crap translation here btw—before he runs out of dialog. What a kooky character! Just tape down the A button and spend some time reading up on Combat Pro-X Synergies, introduced when you get to Chapter 3.
Done talking? It’s time to enjoy the first of many mini-games in SupaLong Adventure!
Okay, so find Commandante Evilino’s encampment in the carnival.
*SPOILER* He is the game’s main bad guy! *SPOILER*
Challenge the Commandante to a jumping-jack competition. If you’ve wasted time on Halo or Call of Duty or any of those kind of “games,” you should have good reaction speed and will probably be able to defeat him within an hour or so. But wait! You need to really crush him to get that medal. Keep trying. Eventually the Commandante will say something about how you need to spend more time outside. LOL he is angry that you are going to get 100%!
If your hands get tired from button-mashing, remember that toes are the fingers of the feet.
When you finish with the jumping-jacks, it’s time to fight! If you slapped Baby Sally earlier, you’ll battle her to the death; otherwise you’ll be fighting a Complacent Radish. Press A to skip all the tutorial jabber, because you need to finish this fight in less than five seconds to get the Medallion of Natural Born Killing.
NOTE: It is almost impossible to beat Baby Sally within the required time, as her attack animation takes about a minute and a half and hits for insane damage.
If you don’t manage to win within five seconds, restart your game.
The village will be attacked by Beastbears after the fight, and in my opinion this is the most beautiful cutscene in the game. Skip the cutscene if you still want the Cut Short achievement.
You’ll receive a Tinfoil Eyeguard from a retreating Beastbear, which makes absolutely no sense. But you should equip it right away. In fact, never equip anything unless I say so here in this FAQ, as you may run the dangerous risk of de-optimizing your characters or even ruining your chances to get 100%. It’s best not to make any decisions for yourself while playing, just to be safe.
Finally, you can save your game and leave Villageham. It’s time to truly begin your quest for 100%! On with the fun!!