100% FAQery

100% FAQery

Welcome to the final FINAL version (1.1.*.2) of my FAQ for SupaLong Adventure, the greatest video game ever released!!!

If you follow this FAQ to the letter, it should take you less than 110 hours to beat the game properly. Of course, that’s to complete the game ONCE—you need to finish SupaLong Adventure at least six times to see all the endings and get 100%.

If you started a game before picking up this FAQ, go delete all your saves right now because I guarantee you already missed something. Did you defeat Commandante Evilino in the jumping-jack contest during the tutorial? Yeah?? Did you beat him by at least 25? If not, you’ll never be able to get the SlimFast Exercise Medal later on. The game totally tricked you, making you think jumping-jacks were an inconsequential exercise. Bye-bye, 100%.

Whatever you do, do NOT open any treasure chests during the tutorial. They have treasure in them, yeah, but if you walk your character around each chest ten times and then talk to every villager until they say, “That’ll do, Jeeves,” you’ll be able to come back to Villageham later when...

*SPOILERS* It gets pillaged by Beastbears *SPOILERS*

...To find that each chest now has a Puzzle Piece in it! Combine these pieces to create the Infernal 1000 Piece Puzzle, which is SomberBoy’s seventh-best weapon in the game. No Infernal Puzzle? No 100%.

If you genuinely appreciate SupaLong Adventure, you will understand that missing this item is a f*cking disaster. Okay, but that’s enough pleasant chit-chat. It’s time to get started for real.

[TUT1] Sleepy Villageham ===============================================================

You can watch the beautifully-rendered cinematic introduction if you like, but keep in mind that there’s an achievement for skipping every single cutscene in the game. You might as well try for this one now. Skip the cutscene and wait to enjoy the narrative on your fifth playthrough.

Grab the Weak-Ass Potion from the bookshelf and head outside. Don’t waste time! You’ll want to run as fast as possible across the commons to talk to Jack the Surly Trader, who is on his way out of town. Baby Sally will try to greet you along the way, which will mean missing Jack. Press the B button to slap her in the face if she gets too close, and if you’re quick you’ll be able to catch Jack just before he disappears into the forest.

You don’t have enough money to buy anything just yet, but tell Jack that you enjoy SLAPSTICK humor. This will unlock a valuable combat art, the Eyepoke, later in the game. If you tell Jack that you enjoy IRONIC humor he will kill you instantly. If you don’t get to Jack before he leaves, restart your game.

Now you’ll want to find and walk circles around every treasure chest in the village (like I said before). There are two chests in the Chief’s House, one in Baby Sally’s House, and 997 in the Infuriatingly Large Hedge Maze. You’ll find them all with little effort.

NOTE: If you had to slap Baby Sally earlier, she will try to shank you while you are invading her home. Press the B button to deliver a punishing back elbow at EXACTLY the right time. If you fail, restart your game.

Next, talk to every person in Villageham until they have nothing left to say (“That’ll do, Jeeves”). The most annoying villager is the old man up in the tree fort, who will deliver every single line of Shakespeare’s Macbeth—crap translation here btw—before he runs out of dialog. What a kooky character! Just tape down the A button and spend some time reading up on Combat Pro-X Synergies, introduced when you get to Chapter 3.

Done talking? It’s time to enjoy the first of many mini-games in SupaLong Adventure!

Okay, so find Commandante Evilino’s encampment in the carnival.

*SPOILER* He is the game’s main bad guy! *SPOILER*

Challenge the Commandante to a jumping-jack competition. If you’ve wasted time on Halo or Call of Duty or any of those kind of “games,” you should have good reaction speed and will probably be able to defeat him within an hour or so. But wait! You need to really crush him to get that medal. Keep trying. Eventually the Commandante will say something about how you need to spend more time outside. LOL he is angry that you are going to get 100%!

STRATEGY PROTIP
==============================================================
If your hands get tired from button-mashing, remember that toes are the fingers of the feet.

When you finish with the jumping-jacks, it’s time to fight! If you slapped Baby Sally earlier, you’ll battle her to the death; otherwise you’ll be fighting a Complacent Radish. Press A to skip all the tutorial jabber, because you need to finish this fight in less than five seconds to get the Medallion of Natural Born Killing.

, (@| ,, ,)|_____________________________________ //\[email protected]@[email protected]@[email protected] / _ _ _ FIGHTING! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \ \[email protected]@[email protected]@[email protected] ________________________________________/ `` `)| (@| `

NOTE: It is almost impossible to beat Baby Sally within the required time, as her attack animation takes about a minute and a half and hits for insane damage.

If you don’t manage to win within five seconds, restart your game.

The village will be attacked by Beastbears after the fight, and in my opinion this is the most beautiful cutscene in the game. Skip the cutscene if you still want the Cut Short achievement.

You’ll receive a Tinfoil Eyeguard from a retreating Beastbear, which makes absolutely no sense. But you should equip it right away. In fact, never equip anything unless I say so here in this FAQ, as you may run the dangerous risk of de-optimizing your characters or even ruining your chances to get 100%. It’s best not to make any decisions for yourself while playing, just to be safe.

Finally, you can save your game and leave Villageham. It’s time to truly begin your quest for 100%! On with the fun!!

Comments

You’ll find them all with little effort.

Ah, GameFAQs. You hit the nail on the head, Clem. Look, fictional FAQ writer, my idea of "little effort"—me, who is looking up on the Internet how to pass a certain part—differs astronomically from your idea of "little effort"—you, who typed up a massive text file describing every detailed nuance of one game. Go FAQ yourself.

And as a condemnation of JRPGs, I have to say this article makes me glad I haven't given them another look since the SNES.

That was laugh-out-loud-(on-the-bus) funny. Great writing, Clem!

I think I love you, Clemenstation.

Switchbreak wrote:

I think I love you, Clemenstation.

Get in line, Switch.

How do you introduce arcane items or bonus areas in a way that doesn't quite punish people for actually playing your game?

I think something like the Paladin/Cursed shield mechanic mentioned earlier is good, oddly enough.

The thing is, 256 battles is ridiculous. It would be an interesting mechanic if it switched over after, say, 15 battles - or a battle with a specific enemy that makes logical sense. That way someone clever might think "Hm, a cursed shield. It sucks, but maybe I can break the curse? Maybe I'll go fight some Gypsies and see what happens!"

Or maybe if you could get it early enough in the game that you could conceivably use it in 256 battles without having to go out of your way to grind.

hbi2k wrote:

Or maybe if you could get it early enough in the game that you could conceivably use it in 256 battles without having to go out of your way to grind.

The number of battles is a bit, but considering the rate of random battles back then? It seems do-able. Like, you could toss it on some D lister and in the process of leveling him, you could unlock it. Although, the gypsy-break idea is much more compelling.

Rather, the nature if the reward is what attracts me. It's not some explicit goal, it's entirely something I can miss out on without feeling like I experienced a less than complete game.

This might be nostalgia talking, but I remember Super Mario RPG being chock full of great secrets. You could still play through without nipping someone on the head 100 times to unlock the greater Tanooki suit and be content.

Damn! This is heartbreakingly hilarious.

my favorite bit wrote:

,
(@|
,, ,)|_____________________________________
//\[email protected]@[email protected]@[email protected] / _ _ _ FIGHTING! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \
\[email protected]@[email protected]@[email protected] ________________________________________/
`` `)|
(@|
`

Oooh, when you quote it you get a Serrated Sword! Perfect for tomatoes.

This is a freaking classic. It has special meaning for me since I just bought the DQIX guide today.

Nei wrote:

Sounds like some one is playing Tales of Vesperia. ;)

Came here to see this, not leaving disappointed.

Remember, Clem: 200 hours of game time.

Hilarious write-up, as usual Clem

The girls/lads writing these FAQs seem to get a very different kind of enjoyment out of games. Although it should be one of the main selling points of any story-driven game, they seem to sacrifice the magic of immersion for an almost scientific dissection of the game mechanics. They try to see the Matrix instead of the girl in the red dress Me, I'll pass on the blue pill. Or was it the red pill? I need to check the FAQ!

That said, I'm glad these girls/guys exist. There's many a game I would have given up on if it weren't for the countless FAQs.

stevenmack wrote:

With DQ IX I have ABSOLUTELY forbidden myself from consulting any guides whatsoever (easier to do when there aren't achievements to collect of course ).

But there are! You can earn accolades! And complete collections of stuff, like beasts and items and clothes! You even have percentages of completion! We are all doomed!

Also, I'm currently in love with DQIX.

spider_j wrote:

Zodiac Spear (FFXII)

The first thing that came to mind reading this, as aquiring it (early) requires a hilariously obscure method. Definitely not something you would stumble across by accident...

Brilliant article.

I only read FAQs for Castlevania games, because getting whatever percentage they've deemed a complete game requires some ridiculous sh*t that no sane person would even think to try. Want to get that last 4.6% so that you'll be able to get all 152.3% of the game and you'll be required to wear a gold ring while talking to a ghost before putting on a silver ring and crouching in the corner of the room with the skeleton with Downs Syndrome in the background until a little blue tornado comes along and picks you up, at which point simply press down, down-forward, forward, up-forward, up, down, up, up-back, down-forward, back, up+X+R+select. This will open the path clear across the map for some reason and you can finally go into the gas chamber and get the razor boots, which will lower your defense by 48 but will also cause you to kick sparks everywhere while walking, which doesn't do anything useful but it does look pretty cool.

I like the ASCII sword. To the FAQ writers out there, less time on the ASCII art and more time on the writing skills.

The older I get, the more I tend to think that if a game forces me to check a FAQ to figure out a puzzle or how to beat a boss, that game should have been better designed.

And it has NOTHING to do with my lack of skill or brain-power. Nothing at all.

How do the FAQ writers figure this arbitrary crap out?

Sleep with the game designer?

MechaSlinky wrote:

Want to get that last 4.6% so that you'll be able to get all 152.3% of the game and you'll be required to wear a gold ring while talking to a ghost before putting on a silver ring and crouching in the corner of the room with the skeleton with Downs Syndrome in the background until a little blue tornado comes along and picks you up, at which point simply press down, down-forward, forward, up-forward, up, down, up, up-back, down-forward, back, up+X+R+select. This will open the path clear across the map for some reason and you can finally go into the gas chamber and get the razor boots, which will lower your defense by 48 but will also cause you to kick sparks everywhere while walking, which doesn't do anything useful but it does look pretty cool.

Captain_Arrrg wrote:

You may have just forgotten it, but if you walk against the back wall of the tavern--between the end of the bar and the sconce--for five minutes it will let you into a secret area that contains the Bouquet of Ultimate Placation. It will instantly defeat Sally if you slapped her earlier.

This too.

Spaz wrote:

Kidding aside, it's somewhat of a head-scratcher when it comes to RPGs. How do you introduce arcane items or bonus areas in a way that doesn't quite punish people for actually playing your game?

I think the problem with stuff like the Cursed Shield is that there is no in-game hint or reference as to what you should be doing. If you looked at the item and its description was something like "The bravest warriors will battle more than 250 times while using this piece of sh*t shield, and be richly rewarded," well, then, one might reasonably deduce its purpose. But more often than not, what you need to do to get the sweetest loot is utterly unintuitive; no reasonable person would think to push against a wall for five minutes, or run circles around treasure chests that, by their very nature, demand to be opened. If there is a puzzle in a game, the puzzle should be explained or, at the very least, mentioned, in the game.

It's just straight-up bad game design. FAQs should help you with challenges you understand but have trouble with. It shouldn't be their job to introduce you to tons of batsh*t crazy stuff that you never would've found otherwise.

I remember back in the 16-bit days people would find ways to dissemble the game code.

And I bet designers leak info if it seems like nobody has figured out a prominent secret after the game has been out for a bit.

And, of course, the power of forums: A million people playing a game in a million slightly different ways might (MIGHT) stumble across something worthwhile.

Of course, once upon a time there weren't a whole lot of great games coming out every year. People had more time to spend with the great games that WERE out. But now?

dejanzie wrote:

The girls/lads writing these FAQs seem to get a very different kind of enjoyment out of games.

Exactly. I'd even say that a game with weird secrets is three games in one. There's the "face value" game, with its plot and side quests. Then there's a game that seriously tests player skill or persistence, and gives cool secret rewards. Finally, there's the really deep game of figuring out what the second game is.

And the only game that explains itself is the first one -- the developers and publishers presumably expect that people who play the third game will share what they find.

In the abstract, I think it's kind of cool that these things are out there. It definitely sucks when the levels intersect, though, and you need a weird secret to get the good ending.

Clemenstation wrote:

And, of course, the power of forums: A million people playing a game in a million slightly different ways might (MIGHT) stumble across something worthwhile.

My problem with finding something cool on my own is that I can never remember exactly what I did to get it!

Clemenstation wrote:

And I bet designers leak info if it seems like nobody has figured out a prominent secret after the game has been out for a bit.

I'm pretty sure this just happened with a secret room in Batman: Arkham Asylum, and the developers just leaked it. I think I remember hearing it on the latest Giant Bombcast.

Edit: Yep, leaked to Game Informer.

Designers put this crap in their game so they can justify selling strategy guides.

I trust Q on that. He knows something about magnificent bastards.

It looks like you probably put a lot of work into that FAQ. Sadly I just CTRL+F-ed straight to the bit I was stuck on (it turned out the Onion King is weak against carrotmancy-- thanks for the tip!), but I'm sure the rest was good too.

I love this thread! I've spent much time scouring FAQ's over the years and have come to look at the obtuse implementation of ultra-secret-secrets in RPG's with mixed emotions. Most of the time the item/reward is not even close to being worth the trouble.

At the other extreme is the 'useless' FAQ, full of super-secret game features like 'press A to jump'.

I believe that 'other' site you mention actually exists. I'm not going to try it here at work, but I remember a typo when trying to get to gamefaqs having strange consequences

'g' and 'q' are pretty far apart on the keyboard, just saying.
:p

MrDeVil909 wrote:

'g' and 'q' are pretty far apart on the keyboard, just saying.
:p

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Gravey wrote:
You’ll find them all with little effort.

Ah, GameFAQs. You hit the nail on the head, Clem. Look, fictional FAQ writer, my idea of "little effort"—me, who is looking up on the Internet how to pass a certain part—differs astronomically from your idea of "little effort"—you, who typed up a massive text file describing every detailed nuance of one game. Go FAQ yourself.

This. My most frustrating FAQery experiences involve beating my head against a boss for hours because I'm having trouble dodging a certain attack, only to break down and read a FAQ that says "Just dodge this certain attack to win."

If I could do that I wouldn't be here reading your FAQ.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:

My most frustrating FAQery experiences involve beating my head against a boss for hours because I'm having trouble dodging a certain attack, only to break down and read a FAQ that says "Just dodge this certain attack to win."

If I could do that I wouldn't be here reading your FAQ.

Yes, oh Yes!

Glad it's not just me I was beginning to doubt my abilities.

Great article, Clemstation. A distressing amount of truth in it, sadly.

This is pretty much the unfavorable dichotomy of JRPGs: play without a FAQ and deal with the niggling feeling that you are missing all kinds of cool stuff, or use a FAQ and miss the good parts of the genre because you spend half the game looking at a text file instead of the game itself.

Yeah, I typically play JRPGs twice... once straight, and then again with a walkthrough. But I'm getting to the point now that I don't play them at all, because Square is putting grinding into single player games. It's such a terrible mechanic that I just dropped the last FF I bought completely.

The story didn't seem very good, and you had to run around killing pointless crap for hours to level up and progress in the game. I'd spent a bunch of time running around under some powerlines or something, killing the endlessly spawning monsters to get powerful enough to tackle some forest or other. That was a lovely area, but then the snowy mountain pass that came after was too tough for me again, and I just gave up. I think I actively threw the disc out, instead of just stopping play, so that nobody else would be trapped by my copy of that hideous thing.

So, no more FF for this gamer, and nothing else in the last few years has really piqued my interest.

Thanks Clem.

Cheers