100% FAQery

100% FAQery

Welcome to the final FINAL version (1.1.*.2) of my FAQ for SupaLong Adventure, the greatest video game ever released!!!

If you follow this FAQ to the letter, it should take you less than 110 hours to beat the game properly. Of course, that’s to complete the game ONCE—you need to finish SupaLong Adventure at least six times to see all the endings and get 100%.

If you started a game before picking up this FAQ, go delete all your saves right now because I guarantee you already missed something. Did you defeat Commandante Evilino in the jumping-jack contest during the tutorial? Yeah?? Did you beat him by at least 25? If not, you’ll never be able to get the SlimFast Exercise Medal later on. The game totally tricked you, making you think jumping-jacks were an inconsequential exercise. Bye-bye, 100%.

Whatever you do, do NOT open any treasure chests during the tutorial. They have treasure in them, yeah, but if you walk your character around each chest ten times and then talk to every villager until they say, “That’ll do, Jeeves,” you’ll be able to come back to Villageham later when...

*SPOILERS* It gets pillaged by Beastbears *SPOILERS*

...To find that each chest now has a Puzzle Piece in it! Combine these pieces to create the Infernal 1000 Piece Puzzle, which is SomberBoy’s seventh-best weapon in the game. No Infernal Puzzle? No 100%.

If you genuinely appreciate SupaLong Adventure, you will understand that missing this item is a f*cking disaster. Okay, but that’s enough pleasant chit-chat. It’s time to get started for real.

[TUT1] Sleepy Villageham ===============================================================

You can watch the beautifully-rendered cinematic introduction if you like, but keep in mind that there’s an achievement for skipping every single cutscene in the game. You might as well try for this one now. Skip the cutscene and wait to enjoy the narrative on your fifth playthrough.

Grab the Weak-Ass Potion from the bookshelf and head outside. Don’t waste time! You’ll want to run as fast as possible across the commons to talk to Jack the Surly Trader, who is on his way out of town. Baby Sally will try to greet you along the way, which will mean missing Jack. Press the B button to slap her in the face if she gets too close, and if you’re quick you’ll be able to catch Jack just before he disappears into the forest.

You don’t have enough money to buy anything just yet, but tell Jack that you enjoy SLAPSTICK humor. This will unlock a valuable combat art, the Eyepoke, later in the game. If you tell Jack that you enjoy IRONIC humor he will kill you instantly. If you don’t get to Jack before he leaves, restart your game.

Now you’ll want to find and walk circles around every treasure chest in the village (like I said before). There are two chests in the Chief’s House, one in Baby Sally’s House, and 997 in the Infuriatingly Large Hedge Maze. You’ll find them all with little effort.

NOTE: If you had to slap Baby Sally earlier, she will try to shank you while you are invading her home. Press the B button to deliver a punishing back elbow at EXACTLY the right time. If you fail, restart your game.

Next, talk to every person in Villageham until they have nothing left to say (“That’ll do, Jeeves”). The most annoying villager is the old man up in the tree fort, who will deliver every single line of Shakespeare’s Macbeth—crap translation here btw—before he runs out of dialog. What a kooky character! Just tape down the A button and spend some time reading up on Combat Pro-X Synergies, introduced when you get to Chapter 3.

Done talking? It’s time to enjoy the first of many mini-games in SupaLong Adventure!

Okay, so find Commandante Evilino’s encampment in the carnival.

*SPOILER* He is the game’s main bad guy! *SPOILER*

Challenge the Commandante to a jumping-jack competition. If you’ve wasted time on Halo or Call of Duty or any of those kind of “games,” you should have good reaction speed and will probably be able to defeat him within an hour or so. But wait! You need to really crush him to get that medal. Keep trying. Eventually the Commandante will say something about how you need to spend more time outside. LOL he is angry that you are going to get 100%!

STRATEGY PROTIP
==============================================================
If your hands get tired from button-mashing, remember that toes are the fingers of the feet.

When you finish with the jumping-jacks, it’s time to fight! If you slapped Baby Sally earlier, you’ll battle her to the death; otherwise you’ll be fighting a Complacent Radish. Press A to skip all the tutorial jabber, because you need to finish this fight in less than five seconds to get the Medallion of Natural Born Killing.

, (@| ,, ,)|_____________________________________ //\[email protected]@[email protected]@[email protected] / _ _ _ FIGHTING! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ \ \[email protected]@[email protected]@[email protected] ________________________________________/ `` `)| (@| `

NOTE: It is almost impossible to beat Baby Sally within the required time, as her attack animation takes about a minute and a half and hits for insane damage.

If you don’t manage to win within five seconds, restart your game.

The village will be attacked by Beastbears after the fight, and in my opinion this is the most beautiful cutscene in the game. Skip the cutscene if you still want the Cut Short achievement.

You’ll receive a Tinfoil Eyeguard from a retreating Beastbear, which makes absolutely no sense. But you should equip it right away. In fact, never equip anything unless I say so here in this FAQ, as you may run the dangerous risk of de-optimizing your characters or even ruining your chances to get 100%. It’s best not to make any decisions for yourself while playing, just to be safe.

Finally, you can save your game and leave Villageham. It’s time to truly begin your quest for 100%! On with the fun!!

Comments

Hahahaha, this is basically every Final Fantasy game ever made. I love it.

I really need that 100% completion achievement! My TA score depends on it!!!!

I admit it, I laughed out loud and hurt my ribs.

It would be funny, if it weren't so, so true.

Thanks for this one, Clem. The "Infuriatingly Large Hedge Maze" is brilliant.

You may have just forgotten it, but if you walk against the back wall of the tavern--between the end of the bar and the sconce--for five minutes it will let you into a secret area that contains the Bouquet of Ultimate Placation. It will instantly defeat Sally if you slapped her earlier.

Of course it's better to save it for the Colovian Princess Li'laghnazira (about 43.7 hours in). It's the only way to get her to join your party and as she's the only healer in the game, it'll make getting through the Dungeon of Mind-Numbing Frustration a breeze... If you managed to appease the witch in the Dark Forest and gained the Map of Not-Getting-Lost that is!

Why would you beat baby Sally? Poor child.

Looks like she is training to fight back.
IMAGE(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs198.snc4/38251_10100250962905189_6851622_60232650_7442286_n.jpg)

Sounds like some one is playing Tales of Vesperia.

Every sig I want inevitably comes from a Clem article. Genius. I need to go to Toronto and buy you some beverages.

I admit that I do peruse FAQs for Final Fantasy games, where my OCD side of not missing content tends to kick in. FF7 had a lot of easily miss-able content - though I definitely never go for 100% or anything crazy like that.

And for those who think Clem is exaggerating with this piece - here is an actual excerpt I remembered from an FFX FAQ.

FFX FAQ wrote:

Lulu (Crest/Sigil) - In its simplicity you will find the cursed diffuculty of
obtaining this sigil. The idea sounds easy enough, but in practice it will
test your sanity. You have to head to the Thunder Plains and dodge 200 (two
hundred!) lightning bolts in a row. You will find your eyes going red quickly
after just a few minutes of this, take regular breaks. You are free to pause
the game but you are not free to exit the area or save the game, this must be
done entirely in one run. It certainly helps you have a piece of equipment
with the No Encounters ability on but it still remains extremely difficult.
It's also difficult thinking you dodged 200 when you were actually just off by
a couple, so always aim to overestimate. If you do manage to complete this
arduous task the 'Venus Sigil' can be found in a chest by the travel agency.

I think I tried this just to see how hard it was. I managed to dodge about 2 lightning bolts in a row, laughed, and moved on.

Right on the nose as ever Clem!

In a lifetime of playing JRPGs, I think FF6 is the only one that I ever completed to 100%. I shan't repeat my Zodiac Spear (FFXII) and seed (Lost Odyssey) rants again. I only play through the game, not for completion, now, and ignore achievements in JRPGs.

Awesome read.

SallyNasty wrote:

Why would you beat baby Sally? Poor child.

Looks like she is training to fight back.

An xbox controller? You'll want to re-read the conception section of the FAQ for your next playthrough. Keep saving gil this time around though because when she gets around level 15 things are going to get expensive...

Nice article. To me, it's not worth reading a FAQ / getting bent out of shape about a game unless it's worth playing again.

And props to spider_j for 100%'ing FF6. I never could be bothered to get all of Gau's abilities, so I just gave up.

You should hire some kids straight out of game programming school to make SUPA LONG ADVENTURE for the xbox live indie games marketplace. I would gladly invest 110 hours 6 times in a row. That adds almost exactly to the 28 days I've invested obtaining pointless emblems and titles in Call of Duty MW2

I used to have a bad habit of using FAQ's (or worse - the "Official guides") for JRPG's but I seem to have managed to shake the habit, more or less, when I finally realised It was sucking every last inch of fun out of the experience. Actually I think it was Persona 4 that was the trigger, since I didn't want to run even the slightest risk of spoiling anything for myself about that game.

With DQ IX I have ABSOLUTELY forbidden myself from consulting any guides whatsoever (easier to do when there aren't achievements to collect of course ).

Also...this article has givem me serious flashbacks about FF12 and "the chests" situation. If you've played it you'll probably know of what I speak. Luckily, not a problem with FF13, since if you had the guide to that it would basically read...

walk forward.
fight
walk forward.
fight.
walk forward.
BOSS FIGHT! AAAAAH!
walk forward..
CUTSCENE
...

Thanks for this. I love the know-it-all tone that most RPG FAQS seem to have. It's like the only real benefit they get from putting all the time in to playing the game to ridiculous completion and writing a manual is the ability to talk down to people who look to their FAQ for help.

I have to admit that I use FAQs to old adventure games sort of like lazy students use Cliff Notes - I spend 1 hour reading the FAQ so I won't have to spend 100 hours playing the game.

In most adventure games, only about 1/10th of the journey is the reward.

SallyNasty wrote:

Why would you beat baby Sally? Poor child.

Looks like she is training to fight back.

She already hits for massive damage!

Dysplastic wrote:

I think I tried this just to see how hard it was. I managed to dodge about 2 lightning bolts in a row, laughed, and moved on.

I am ashamed to admit that I actually did this.

Ma1achi wrote:

You should hire some kids straight out of game programming school to make SUPA LONG ADVENTURE for the xbox live indie games marketplace. I would gladly invest 110 hours 6 times in a row. That adds almost exactly to the 28 days I've invested obtaining pointless emblems and titles in Call of Duty MW2

Yeah Kyle, but if you didn't play so much goddamned MW2 you wouldn't be able to boast about how you're 100 000th best in the world or whatever every time I see you. And we both know that all the JRPGs on your gamercard are mine! My sweat and blood won you those horrible Blue Dragon achievements!

stevenmack wrote:

I used to have a bad habit of using FAQ's (or worse - the "Official guides") for JRPG's but I seem to have managed to shake the habit, more or less, when I finally realised It was sucking every last inch of fun out of the experience.

This is pretty much the unfavorable dichotomy of JRPGs: play without a FAQ and deal with the niggling feeling that you are missing all kinds of cool stuff, or use a FAQ and miss the good parts of the genre because you spend half the game looking at a text file instead of the game itself.

metaljoints wrote:

I love the know-it-all tone that most RPG FAQS seem to have. It's like the only real benefit they get from putting all the time in to playing the game to ridiculous completion and writing a manual is the ability to talk down to people who look to their FAQ for help.

This is another thing I find interesting about FAQs. The 'official' guides are rarely, if ever, 100% complete. It rests on the shoulders of volunteers to compile the information from forums, write it up, and post it online. But because it's a volunteer job, it appeals to a VERY SPECIFIC kind of personality. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that these folks put so much work in, just for love of the game, but yeah -- sometimes they can be condescending douchebags.

Clemenstation wrote:

This is another thing I find interesting about FAQs. The 'official' guides are rarely, if ever, 100% complete. It rests on the shoulders of volunteers to compile the information from forums, write it up, and post it online. But because it's a volunteer job, it appeals to a VERY SPECIFIC kind of personality. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that these folks put so much work in, just for love of the game, but yeah -- sometimes these folks can be condescending douchebags.

Yeah, I've thought to myself on a number of occasions that it would be great to write a FAQ for a game that doesn't really have one or one that covers the right stuff, but I immediately remind myself it would take too much time and I know I'm not up to the task.

Dysplastic wrote:

And for those who think Clem is exaggerating with this piece - here is an actual excerpt I remembered from an FFX FAQ.

Or there's this little gem from FF6:

To get the cursed shield, you need to go to narshe with Locke (in the World Of
Ruins), he is able to open the locked doors here, you ll find the shield in the
house north of the weapon shop (above the stairs, a man will give it to you).
As you can see below, the shield is the worst one in the game, but if you do
256 (and not 255) battles with it equipped on a living character, it will morph
into the Palladin Shield, wich is the best shield in the game and a must have,
a character equipped with it will be almost invulnerable!
Clemenstation wrote:
Dysplastic wrote:

I think I tried this just to see how hard it was. I managed to dodge about 2 lightning bolts in a row, laughed, and moved on.

I am ashamed to admit that I actually did this.

Me too Clem.... Me too.... /hangs head

Amazing Read!

muttonchop wrote:

To get the cursed shield, you need to go to narshe with Locke (in the World Of
Ruins), he is able to open the locked doors here, you ll find the shield in the
house north of the weapon shop (above the stairs, a man will give it to you).
As you can see below, the shield is the worst one in the game, but if you do
256 (and not 255) battles with it equipped on a living character, it will morph
into the Palladin Shield, wich is the best shield in the game and a must have,
a character equipped with it will be almost invulnerable!

Whoa. I don't remember that one. Perhaps I should play FF6 again. It's been a couple years, and it is still my favorite of that series.

I made the mistake of playing ChronoCross from a FAQ until I quit because it was just no fun.

The bigger mistake though, IMO, would to have been to play it without one.

Thank you sir. I thought I slept in today for nothing, but obviously it was to time my waking with this article.

mrtomaytohead wrote:

Nice article. To me, it's not worth reading a FAQ / getting bent out of shape about a game unless it's worth playing again.

And props to spider_j for 100%'ing FF6. I never could be bothered to get all of Gau's abilities, so I just gave up.

I'm British. We weren't allowed jrpgs until the 32 bit era, so I kept coming back to my ridiculously expensive imported FF6 until there was literally nothing left to do! Gau's rages were the worst part, without a doubt.

muttonchop wrote:

Or there's this little gem from FF6:

To get the cursed shield, you need to go to narshe with Locke (in the World Of
Ruins), he is able to open the locked doors here, you ll find the shield in the
house north of the weapon shop (above the stairs, a man will give it to you).
As you can see below, the shield is the worst one in the game, but if you do
256 (and not 255) battles with it equipped on a living character, it will morph
into the Palladin Shield, wich is the best shield in the game and a must have,
a character equipped with it will be almost invulnerable!

I did this...about 3 times!

This is an instant classic. I look forward to another read-through. Do I get an achievement for that?

docbadwrench wrote:

This is an instant classic. I look forward to another read-through. Do I get an achievement for that?

Only if you read it through the Steam web browser via the Steam overlay while in-game in a Source engine game with achievements and Steam cloud support enabled.

If you didn't read it like that the first time, restart.

I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem. I don't write FAQ's, but I am that sort of person who will replay the entire game just to unlock the Iridescent Pasta-Measure of Smiting (that's what Tidus' ultimate weapon Caladbolg looks like to me - a big, baroque pasta stick).

I'm probably more likely to play through multiple times doing min-maxing characters and doing what-if's within the various game's systems, though. I have a FFX playthrough where Auron is my fastest character, Tidus is a white mage, and Lulu does significant physical damage with her Moogle. It plays awesome, because Auron pretty much goes first all the time, so you just set off Sentinel and let him guard the other two while they deal the discipline.

I earned all of the ultimate weapons in FFX, and got them all charged up as well. And Lulu's wasn't nearly as annoying as all the frelling Blitzball you had to play to earn Wakka's. Don't even get me started about chasing those gorram butterflies for Kihmari's. Plus her weapon's a little plushie Onion Knight and he's very cute.

I have 100% on X-2, but that wasn't because I was having fun. I got to the end after my first run, and watched the ending cinematic and I was infuriated. You go through that crap and they didn't end up back together!? @)&@)&@% that! I hit the web, and found out you had to 100% the game to do it. I was so pissed I grabbed a walkthru and with some help from my kids we fought our way through it. Chasing all those frelling monkeys on Killika was probably the most annoying part of that.

docbadwrench wrote:

This is an instant classic. I look forward to another read-through. Do I get an achievement for that?

Yes, but only if you get the alternate ending on your second read-through.

Kidding aside, it's somewhat of a head-scratcher when it comes to RPGs. How do you introduce arcane items or bonus areas in a way that doesn't quite punish people for actually playing your game?

I think something like the Paladin/Cursed shield mechanic mentioned earlier is good, oddly enough. Something about the FFX route seems like pulling teeth.

I didn't care for 100% completion until Steam publicized how much I wasn't doing.

STRATEGY PROTIP
===================================================
If your hands get tired from button-mashing, remember that toes are the fingers of the feet.