Future Uncertain

For large swaths of my life being a gamer has been a basic part of my identity. It fit as a primary self-identifier right along with qualities like freakishly tall, obsessively competitive and devastatingly handsome. Gamer is, with the exception of a brief fall from grace during my high-school years, just who I am.

It has only just begun to occur to me, however, that it may not be who I will always be.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love playing video games. The right game at the right time can transport me to my childhood as cleanly and effectively as eating an unevenly microwaved bowl of Beefaroni or listening to The Touch from the only real Transformers movie ever made. In a year that has included Mass Effect 2 and God of War 3, it may seem ridiculous to even imagine a day when gaming will be less who I am and more something I might occasionally do if the time is right.

But, I can feel it coming on the horizon, and the truth is that there’s a part of me that doesn’t fear that change.

I’m always hesitant talking about the end, because it may come off as though I’m cheering it on like a nihilist the day before the Rapture, and that’s not my goal. At the same time, I think I need to acknowledge that someday there will likely be an end — that someday I will just not have enough time and enough enthusiasm to keep the dying ember of my passion for gaming stoked.

When I glimpse the hazy vision of myself at 40, at 50 and beyond, I’m not sure I see a controller in my hand or a mouse under my palm anymore.

In my twenties I firmly believed that my professional destiny was inevitably intertwined with the gaming industry somehow. I always kind of figured that I’d either end up writing about or maybe even for the games that seemed so symbiotic to my identity. I didn’t have any kind of clear pathway to achieve that effort, but it just felt right. It felt like who I would be.

Now, I talk to my friends in the industry, and though I hear the passion they still have for the job and the way that passion carries them over what sounds like an endless parade of challenges and disappointment, I am unerringly grateful that my professional life took a different turn. I realize that a lot of people get into writing about games with at least the vaguely unformed hope that someone will take notice and hire them into the industry, and many of these people succeed and go on to lead happy enough careers. For me, the more I write about games, the happier I am that I don’t rely on this industry for the well being of myself and my family.

The point is not to slander the gaming industry, a job that seems not to need my further assistance. The point is that as I look back, I see a growing distance between what I thought would be my life as a gamer and what I now know as a life deviating slowly but irrevocably from that vision.

I suppose it’s a silly thing to take so seriously, but it is also something that has been a defining factor in a life for now creeping up on forty revolutions around that hoary old sun. In some ways I’m still as close to gaming as I’ve ever been, popping up here as I do most weeks to wax contemplative on whatever issue has sat on the front of my brain and demanded attention, and in other ways I am increasingly disconnected and uninspired by things that would once have been momentous.

The thing is that the idea doesn’t bother me like I might once have thought it would. It seems right that someday gaming can just slip away, like a forgotten childhood friend who once was bound to every corner of your life. When the time comes, I think I will be at peace with it.

Comments

I can understand some of these sentiments. Especially given that I have a young daughter at home and my professional career is really starting to ramp up with no end in sight. Gaming definitely takes a back seat these days, but I relish the image of teaching my daughter how to play boardgames, and exploring new electronic games with her. Hell, it's already started, and the preview I see really has whet my appetite for when she is older.

So while I definitely see the "gamer" component of my identity shrinking ever more to make way for being a dad, a husband, a program manager, etc. I know that I will always reserve some part of me for exploring gaming with my family.

I've found that the thing that move me about gaming get different as I get older. Right now, I'm completely burned out on "save the world" storylines. Heavy Rain grabbed me precisely because you're just saving your son, not trying to save the planet from imminent destruction.

I couldn't care less about the machinations of the industry on anything but a macro level, things like the Apple App Store are interesting to me from a business perspective and generally as a software developer. But the EA/Activision/2K wrestling back and forth, the new X-Com game being announced with no details, whether or not Starbreeze is working on a Syndicate game, I couldn't care less about most of these things. I'm also burned out on anticipation for the possibility of product, instead of the actual thing.

So I don't know so much that I'm "going to stop caring about gaming" but that I seem to care about different things as I get older. Weird game designs really excite me at this point. Odd stuff that plays with time. Anything that tries to tell a small, personal story in a game. I'm always finding something new to excite me about games again.

When I can't find anything to excite me anymore, I'd suspect that I'm the one with the problem. At least I'd hope that were the case.

In some ways I’m still as close to gaming as I’ve ever been, popping up here as I do most weeks to wax contemplative on whatever issue has sat on the front of my brain and demanded attention, and in other ways I am increasingly disconnected and uninspired by things that would once have been momentous.

I feel like I'm already starting to feel this way now, at 25. I don't see myself dropping the mouse anytime soon, but I'm already feeling fatigued by the minute scrutiny which video-game hobbyists (Never liked the term gamer) apply to their hobby. Previews and reviews bore me, and I found myself skipping through so much of an even great magazine like Edge that I let my subscription drop. I think I'll ultimately be dropping of much of the culture that surrounds gaming long before I actually drop the gaming itself.

Hey...I can understand, Mr. Sands. While I never had visions of myself as a part of the industry, as I get older (only a few years behind you, by the sound of it), I definitely get less enthusiastic about the hobby with each passing year. I had previously thought, based on the fact that I had gone through my 20's and my early 30's with it as my primary leisure activity, failing to shed that passion in my early 20's like my friends did, that it would be with me for the duration. And while I think I will always consider myself a "gamer" on some level, I definitely don't see myself spending nearly as much time and money on it as I do even now.

In fact, now that I think about it, the exact same thing has already happened with my guitar playing...

We have to be careful about letting our self-identity get the better of us.

I went through a similar revelation about another hobby: I realized a few years ago that I liked being a DJ a hell of a lot more than I had liked DJing for some time. Quitting a hobby that was making me miserable was hard because I'd wrapped my self-identity up in it. (...and now ask me about the goth thing, or scooters!)

After that I've tried very hard not to identify myself as a "gamer" to others or myself. I want to enjoy playing games, not being a gamer.

Dysplastic wrote:
In some ways I’m still as close to gaming as I’ve ever been, popping up here as I do most weeks to wax contemplative on whatever issue has sat on the front of my brain and demanded attention, and in other ways I am increasingly disconnected and uninspired by things that would once have been momentous.

I feel like I'm already starting to feel this way now, at 25. I don't see myself dropping the mouse anytime soon, but I'm already feeling fatigued by the minute scrutiny which video-game hobbyists (Never liked the term gamer) apply to their hobby. Previews and reviews bore me, and I found myself skipping through so much of an even great magazine like Edge that I let my subscription drop. I think I'll ultimately be dropping of much of the culture that surrounds gaming long before I actually drop the gaming itself.

You'll feel more that way at 28

I find that while most of us get older the average age of the review and editorial industry stays the same. Always fresh blood but for the most part it's eager young gamers looking to get a break into the industry, naive of all the crap that surrounds it.

I love gaming more now than I did when I was a kid. I LOOOOVE IT! Having a good job means I can have multiple consoles and pretty much play whatever I want, which is super sassy.

That said, being a family man (who is turning dirty thirty this summer) with a 40-50 hour week job really cuts into my gaming time, and for the most part - I am ok with that. I just don't see ever putting down the controller.

SallyNasty wrote:

super sassy.

I found your tag!

I used to be a voracious reader. I would mainly read epic fantasy novels. I never thought a day would come when I no longer felt the urge to dig into a 1000+ page fantasy story. That day did come and I really don't miss it. It's the same with any hobby. Once you lose the enthusiasm for it, and the desire slips away, you don't even notice it.

With that being said, I have been a gamer for about 30 years now and I really don't see a time when that will end. I think the form of delivery will certainly change and my enthusiasm might ebb and flow, but I can't imagine a time when I won't have the desire to play a game whether it be a board game or a video game. The instinct is ingrained in me to such an extent that it can't be removed without killing the host. So I guess gaming is more a way of life for me than a hobby.

You'll probably resume gaming again when you're old enough to get in on the nursing home Wii Bowling leagues.

You know, Sean, I've always felt you were a more eloquent version of me. You're somehow able to put into words exactly what I was thinking or feeling. Not just words, either, but eloquent, flowing prose that captured the essence of emotion. So, I get it. I get what you're saying and what you're going through. But, quite frankly, I'm a gamer for life.

beeporama wrote:

We have to be careful about letting our self-identity get the better of us. ... I liked being a DJ a hell of a lot more than I had liked DJing ... I want to enjoy playing games, not being a gamer.

Which is exactly how I feel. My self-identity is not 100% about being a "Gamer". But, I love gaming in all it's forms. It is a part of who I am, and I will be a gamer for life. The games may change, but I won't stop playing. I went from a FPS monster, to a turn based strategy player, to an addicted MMO player, to a board game hoarder, to an RPG addict, and I'm sure my evolution isn't over yet!

Your evolution is on the horizon, Elysium. You can see it coming, you feel the change already starting. It's up to you to shape that change into something you are happy with and can enjoy. You've already done it with your career, now you've got to do it with your gaming. Just don't give up gaming, don't give up calling yourself a gamer. Just incorporate those right on into your next step.

You'll probably resume gaming again when you're old enough to get in on the nursing home Wii Bowling leagues.

I'm totally going to kick ass at that.

I'm 32 with a 2 year old and another baby due this year. I haven't lost my drive or interest in gaming at all, and just can't see it happening. I have been playing games for as long as I can remember, so it has always been a part of my life; my parents had an Atari 2600, numerous home computers and now have an XBOX, a Wii, a DS each and iPhones. Both are in their 60s.

I dabbled in the peripheries of the games industry when younger, as a tester and writing reviews for a small magazine. These days, my involvement as anything other than a consumer is limited to fixing PSPs for my mate's shops and helping him out with his marketing and webiste, but that is more a friendship issue than anything else.

Since I became a dad, my gaming time has diminshed somewhat, but not to a drastic extent. My daughter is in bed by 7, so I tend to stay up a bit later to game, and if there is something that I really want to get into, I take a day off work.

The type of games I play has changed over the years, but the drive to game hasn't slackened at all.

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be playing twitch games into my 90's. That's a safe bet. Already, at the ripe old age of 33, I can feel my previously razor sharp reflexes dulling under the ceaseless assault of aging. That's OK, that's part of life - the ultimate metagame. Level-ups grant +2 to wisdom, but -3 to dexterity.

I jokingly tell the wife that I'm going to take up lawn bowls when I'm too old to play videogames (well, I do look simply dashing in white). That's probably not too far from the truth. I think it's unlikely that I'll stop playing, but what I'm playing will change over time. Same with reading - my reading habits change like the weather, but at no point have I stopped reading. I probably read more now than ever, albeit less books and more online nonsense like GWJ in their place.

Even at my age (21), I still wonder how much longer I'll keep gaming for. If it wasn't for my giant pile of shame, I think I'd probably be able to quit just like that. It's that feeling of misguided obligation to conquer that pile that keeps me going. The pile just keeps getting bigger and bigger, so I don't see myself quitting anytime soon.

Get off my lawn and stop whining you young pups! I'll be 44 in July and I still treasure my gaming hobby. I don't plan on giving it up any time soon but yes, my gaming "style" has aged with me. My collection of twitch games is still around, gathering dust mostly, but occasionally I play one again to remind me of the "old days" when I thought I was untouchable. I laugh at the memories as I get slaughtered in what used to be easy parts. Ask the guys I play TF2 with. I'm not the fastest on the draw but I do OK by playing smarter now, not faster. THAT'S the evolution. I've played everying from Commodore PET to PC and almost every console. My main source now is PC and Wii. The days of "run and gun" have faded and the era of "more brains than bullets" has taken over. Let's see where this road leads. My wife just shook her head when I told her I want, "Game Over" on my gravestone.

As I get older I get impatient when the game I am playing is mediocre in any way. My gaming life is dominated by games I play for one hour and never play again and a few select games I play for a hundred hours before taking it out of the tray. My pile is getting slimmer month by month.

The_Judge wrote:

Get off my lawn and stop whining you young pups! I'll be 44 in July and I still treasure my gaming hobby. I don't plan on giving it up any time soon but yes, my gaming "style" has aged with me. My collection of twitch games is still around, gathering dust mostly, but occasionally I play one again to remind me of the "old days" when I thought I was untouchable. I laugh at the memories as I get slaughtered in what used to be easy parts. Ask the guys I play TF2 with. I'm not the fastest on the draw but I do OK by playing smarter now, not faster. THAT'S the evolution. I've played everying from Commodore PET to PC and almost every console. My main source now is PC and Wii. The days of "run and gun" have faded and the era of "more brains than bullets" has taken over. Let's see where this road leads. My wife just shook her head when I told her I want, "Game Over" on my gravestone.

I got killed by an old man in TF2 the other night? Damn!

As we mature, so will a lot of our interests. Those that don't mature may well fall away. This is why, like Pyro, I try to continually grow and mature in the way I experience and understand games.

Mind you, I'm only 27.

wordsmythe wrote:

Mind you, I'm only 27.

Oh, and it shows.

For realsies though, I think it should also be raised that many folks have transient relationships with things like gaming, so it may not end entirely or utterly. I know there have been swaths of my life (4+ years) where I didn't game at all. Or almost 10 years where I read zero fantasy.

In each case, coming back to the hobby was very invigorating.

Stele wrote:

I got killed by an old man in TF2 the other night? Damn! :lol:

IMAGE(http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4067/4519468096_bf58ed96e6_b.jpg)

HedgeWizard wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:

Mind you, I'm only 27.

Oh, and it shows.

I also only play about 3-4 hours of video games each week. Sort of a low burnout risk at that pace.

Elysium wrote:

Now, I talk to my friends in the industry, and though I hear the passion they still have for the job and the way that passion carries them over what sounds like an endless parade of challenges and disappointment, I am unerringly grateful that my professional life took a different turn. I realize that a lot of people get into writing about games with at least the vaguely unformed hope that someone will take notice and hire them into the industry, and many of these people succeed and go on to lead happy enough careers. For me, the more I write about games, the happier I am that I don’t rely on this industry for the well being of myself and my family.

Sean, your sentiment is timely. Been thinking a lot about this topic lately, and I feel the same way. Although I'm a writer by profession, I've only recently started writing about games for fun. It's actually been quite liberating to know my next paycheck isn't riding on whatever I end up producing. Or worse, the whim of an editor at a site that may not exist next month. The world of topics and perspectives to explore opens up when every blog post doesn't have to also serve as a potential resume builder. If I pitch an article somewhere and it gets published, awesome. If not, nothing lost. (Well, maybe the tiniest bit of pride.)

That said, I have immense respect for writers who have the talent, drive, guts, and tolerance for turbulence to make a living in games journalism. Even if they identify themselves as furry little woodland creatures.

Stylez wrote:
Dysplastic wrote:
In some ways I’m still as close to gaming as I’ve ever been, popping up here as I do most weeks to wax contemplative on whatever issue has sat on the front of my brain and demanded attention, and in other ways I am increasingly disconnected and uninspired by things that would once have been momentous.

I feel like I'm already starting to feel this way now, at 25. I don't see myself dropping the mouse anytime soon, but I'm already feeling fatigued by the minute scrutiny which video-game hobbyists (Never liked the term gamer) apply to their hobby. Previews and reviews bore me, and I found myself skipping through so much of an even great magazine like Edge that I let my subscription drop. I think I'll ultimately be dropping of much of the culture that surrounds gaming long before I actually drop the gaming itself.

You'll feel more that way at 28

I find that while most of us get older the average age of the review and editorial industry stays the same. Always fresh blood but for the most part it's eager young gamers looking to get a break into the industry, naive of all the crap that surrounds it.

And even more at 34. I'm still enjoying the hell out of gaming, but the gamer culture and I are more or less done. I don't think it's only me changing either; gamer culture in general seems like it's becoming more and more intensely negative, while I'm getting less and less tolerant of that negativity. It's kind of a weird experience for someone who usually prefers playing with other people over single player. There are bright spots, but those bright spots seem to be getting fewer and fewer.

Pieces like this are one of the reasons I'm glad I stumbled upon this site many, many moons ago.

I've often wondered, for the last three or so years, about gaming as an integral part of my life and whether it will remain the staple of leisure-time enjoyment it is today.

I'm going to be 30 this December - I still can't believe it! - and after parenthood and all that represents, well, actual leisure time is at a premium and only so much of it can be spent on gaming. I hope that as I get older and begin to work less and less, well, much of that time can be occupied with more gaming than I currently do. Hopefully my daughter will have the patience to play with her crabby old man.

The next decade will likely see a great decrease in time designated for gaming purposes; I will be devoting most of my waking time to a couple of projects which, if successful, should engulf my existence and secure my family's well-being for the foreseeable future. Hopefully this will prove more entertaining than gaming, else I will miss it dearly.

My dad is 62 and he's further in Just Cause 2 than I am. He's beaten Far Cry 2 more times than I have fingers and still has time to be the national inventory manager of a large tech distribution company.

Heck, I'm gonna be 30 in under a week. Like I care. Gaming is just one of those things that will always be a part of my life. My wife and daughter will always come first (something I didn't have to contend with back at University) but it will always be there and always something fun to play and do.

Just remember what George Bernard Shaw said:
"We don't stop playing because we grow old,
we grow old because we stop playing."

I also like:
"There is work that is work and there is play that is play; there is play that is work and work that is play. And in only one of these lies happiness."
-- Gelett Burgess (Author of the "purple cow" poem).

I don't think I'll ever stop playing.

I honestly can't see myself packing it in at any time. Sure there will be periods where I tail off a bit, but play will always be an important part of my life.

The_Judge wrote:

I'm not the fastest on the draw but I do OK by playing smarter now, not faster. THAT'S the evolution. I've played everying from Commodore PET to PC and almost every console. My main source now is PC and Wii. The days of "run and gun" have faded and the era of "more brains than bullets" has taken over.

+1!

It's like the old joke about the bulls:

Old bull and young bull spy a field of nubile young cows in the nearby field.

Young bull says to old bull, "Why don't we run over there and **** one of those cows?"

Old bull replies to young bull, "No. Why don't we walk down there instead and **** them all?"

I tend not to don't play certain genres nowadays as I know my reaction times just aren't what they were (if indeed they were ever there at all). But, like the Judge, I do still play the odd FPS... only less frantically and with more brains than bravery. I just ain't quick enough to cope with the youngins twitch skills and can't hit a barn door if I fire from the hip. In any case, with the quality of modern graphics, a slow walk to the chokepoints is an opportunity to enjoy some nice scenery.

But to Elysium's main point, at 39 I've actually find myself playing a lot more than I used to. I suspect its a combination of age-related factors. The friends that I'd once have gone bar-hopping with mid-week are now home with wives/husbands and families, so I have more free time to fill. And no longer playing sports means that weekend mornings are often equally open. And as my job(s) become ever more responsible and ever more stressful, I find doing something utterly pointless, yet completely engrossing offers a great escape from the pressures of the working day.

What has also changed, however, is the reason for playing. It's almost always about distraction and relaxation rather than competition. I'm no longer interested in undefeated seasons in Madden, or in finding every hidden package in GTA, or in schooling the kids on MW2. It's about being someone else, somewhere else, for a little while.

Hmm! I've just re-read that paragraph and realised I've just learned something about myself that I didn't now before. I'm not sure what to think about it yet, but thank you, Sean, and the other contributors for making me look at myself in a different way.

Enjoy your weekends.

BadKen wrote:

"We don't stop playing because we grow old,
we grow old because we stop playing."

This!

I just turned 40 and while I've also had an extended period of my life (late 20s) where I played video games very little or not at all, I never stopped thinking of myself as a gamer. Considering how much games have evolved and improved, and how many great games I've played in recent years (Mass Effect 1 & 2, Borderlands, BioShock, Burnout Paradise, Civ 4, etc), I can easily see myself still gaming at 60+ years of age.

Elysium wrote:

When I glimpse the hazy vision of myself at 40 ... I’m not sure I see a controller in my hand or a mouse under my palm anymore.

Since you're already in your late 30s (correct me if I'm wrong), I believe you just claimed that you will soon be quitting WoW for good. I visualize Certis executing a Tiger Woods fist pump upon reading that.

Also, every time you don't do the podcast, god kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.