Game Widows: How to Get That Paladin Off His Mount, And Into The Saddle

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So, you say your man is addicted to games. Consoles, PCs and the violated packages of games litter your former love nest. Cables now drape where the underwear used to land when he ripped it from your willing flesh. You feel lonely, neglected, uncared for. You call yourself a Game Widow. Let us assume, for the nonce, that if you find yourself in this position, that you haven’t read my opus So You Want To Be A Succubus, or the record breaking follow-up, Selling Souls for Fun and Profit.

It’s probably also safe to assume that if the detritus of gaming systems annoys one, that one is probably not a gamer. Which is a shame. I know a great many relationships that have a spark added by their time together exploring new lands, seeing new vistas, and killing everything that moves. But then, I’ve been a gamer since the pen and paper days of yore. (Yes, children; once upon a time we didn’t have home computers. And we had to ride dinosaurs to school. It’s true!)

As I see it ”game widows" have a couple of choices. You can whine, and pout, and generally behave like a child denied a lolly. I don’t recommend this option. It’s annoying. And unless you happen to be Paris Hilton, being annoying generally gets you nowhere.

Another option is for you to find some games that appeal to you, and entice your man to play along. A lot of the games that non-gamers complain about are exceedingly violent and some are fairly sexist, and thus have no appeal for many woman (or anyone else with a weak stomach or entrenched values). But there are loads, absolutely truckloads, of games out there that are entertaining, fun, challenging and don’t involve chewing the face off your opponent. Visit your local game emporium and take a look at what’s available. I think you’ll be surprised how many games are "chick-friendly". (And no, I don’t mean those crimes against humanity that are packaged in pink boxes. If that’s your speed, you may not be old enough to read the rest of this article.)

Playing games with your significant other is a great way to spend some time together. I highly recommend it. But sometimes, the online world is a little too virtual, if you get my drift. Sometimes, the buttons you want pressed aren’t attached to cables. (Well, they might be‚"…but that’s a different article altogether.)

The other, most obvious solution, is to seduce your man away from his digital mistress by immersing him, if you will (sorry Fletch. ;), in the very real reality of your mostly-naked presence. ("Mostly" naked because after all, you do want to give them a quest of some sort‚"…)

Girls, let’s face facts. All men think about sex pretty much all the time. It’s what they do. They can’t help it. The penis, despite medical evidence to the contrary, does have it’s own brain. Given enough motivation, it has the power to drain all the blood from the big brain and take complete control of a man’s motor and higher brain functions. Witness, for example, the Victoria’s Secret"fashion‚" shows. It’s one of the most highly watched and downloaded bits of film on the internet. Why? Do you think men have suddenly taken an interest in the foundation undergarments industry? No. But they have an exceeding interest in the strategically placed sequins of Tyra Banks.

With this in mind, I give you a few strategies to get your man away from his keyboard, and clicking on you instead. We’ll start slow, and work ourselves up to the most drastic of methodologies. It’s important to remember here that many of the tips that are given to men are fairly useless for use on men. For example, most guys don’t care if the bed is strewn with rose petals, or if Vivaldi is on the stereo, or if the pillows have been sprayed with his favorite fragrance. (Although, bringing him a beer is always an easy way to get a few seconds of a gamer’s time.)

First, you’ll want to have your handy dandy seduction kit fully stocked. Recommendations include massage oils, scented candles, honey dust (trust me on this one) and application feathers, a pocket size copy of the Kama Sutra with your favorite pages highlighted, plus any other items that you think will get the attention of his "little brain".

Put 20-sided dice in there, and create a list of 20 things you’ll do to him, depending on what he rolls. For the really adventurous, add an 8 or 12-sided dice and make a list of equipment. Get him to roll both‚"…the combinations are bound to keep you busy for a bit.

Try pulling out the kit and taking the items out of the bag and announce what each one is, as though you’re doing inventory. This should get his attention long enough that he turns to look at you.

When he does, make sure you’re attired in sexy garments. Every woman has some of these tucked away somewhere. Depending on your man, this can be anything from a business suit to full dominatrix gear. You know your man, pick something that makes him whimper. It that means dressing up like Princess Leia or a Dark Elf Mage; fine. Who doesn’t love playing dress-up? Besides, if you don’t have anything that you think is just right, you have an excuse to go shopping.

Now that you’ve got his attention, come hither looks and an announcement of your commando status is in order. Yes, it may seem blunt, but these are gamer men we’re talking about. You have to explain that if they want some experience points, you are just the quest giver to award them. Explain that with or without them the experience is going to occur, and that their faction rides fairly heavily on them being there for this instance. Don’t be afraid to threaten to tie him up with the ethernet cable if it comes to that.

Last, but not least, always remember that once you’ve had your way with a gamer, it’s only polite to release them back into the digital wilds. It is their native habitat, and really, there’s nothing more heartwarming than watching a happy gamer scamper back to the killing fields.

Comments

What a great article. My wife who is also an excellent writer and writes in a very similar vein will get a great kick out of it. She isnt much of a gamer, but she will definitely appreciate the article.

*tear*

I can say this, right now... it was the greatest thing since sliced bread... this article... speechless...

ok, reality - another fabulous (sp?) job. I don't have a wife, but I'm making sure to save this onto a disk so when she runs into this problem, i can refer her to the wise sage DuckiDeva

GWJ writers are on the roll!

Great, great, great, simply great stuff!

Thanks for another outstanding article DuckiDeva.

Put 20-sided dice in there, and create a list of 20 things you'll do to him, depending on what he rolls. For the really adventurous, add an 8 or 12-sided dice and make a list of equipment. Get him to roll both"…the combinations are bound to keep you busy for a bit.

*reaches for dice bag, handing aforementioned dice to wife*

Game on!

Hmmmm, this article smells of sex. That is a good thing folks. A very good thing.

ables now drape where the underwear used to land when he ripped it from your willing flesh.

Not a phrase I expected to read on GWJ this morning. Better than coffee!

this article smells of sex

... ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Very entertaining article, Deva. BTW, where's the Lama?

Ha! Good stuff.

DuckiDeva wrote:

When he does, make sure you're attired in sexy garments. Every woman has some of these tucked away somewhere. Depending on your man, this can be anything from a business suit to full dominatrix gear. You know your man, pick something that makes him whimper. It that means dressing up like Princess Leia or a Dark Elf Mage"…fine.

Maybe this works on men, but I can assure you that dressing up as your wife's favorite character won't get you anywhere. Bitter experience has taught me that wearing a snappy business suit and speaking in a patronizing southern monotone will NOT result in her saying "Dr. Phil, TAKE ME NOW!"

And the less said about the Richard Simmons Incident, the better.

killerTomato wrote:

And the less said about the Richard Simmons Incident, the better.

You are one sick guy.

Nicely done- keep up the high quality of your writing......

You're neglecting one more way to deal with a gamer husband, a way my own wife uses.

That is to ignore his gaming entirely.

You also make it clear that you feel it is a complete waste of time. When he makes helpful suggestions to get you involved, such as playing a new puzzle game you might like, point out that you would never want to play it (learning over time not to say this bitterly) and that there are many other things you'd rather do with your free time.

Also, earn extra points by getting upset far less than you should when he shirks his chores around the house.

This doesn't keep her from occasionally watching a few minutes of Playstation 2 gaming and commenting in a few tiny moments of curiosity, but most of the time her unfortunately inherited flaw where she gets motion-sick from watching 3d games keeps her from watching for any length of time.

She has no interest in seducing me away from a gaming session. Would be nice, by the time I'm permitted to play, she's off to go to sleep.

Just forwarded to girlfriend. Thanks Duckideva, looks like tonight might be a great night of games and . . .ummm well games!!

I feel a shopping trip coming on...look out, Elysium.

Great article, thanks for the chuckles. Luckily my wife knows just how to get my "attention".

*whew* For a second there I thought this was directed at me . . .

Once again, good stuff Duckideva. Forwarding a copy to the Mrs. right after I post this :).

Fantastic!

I am Mex and I heartily endorse this article and / or Product.

Holy crap! I thought you were joking! Bravo. Good stuff, Yin.

Upon sending this article to the girlfriend...

The Reapette's IM wrote:

oh lord. haha. but i think my fav. was the part that said something like, there are now wires draped where you underwear used to hit the floor...or something like tha

Mex wrote:

I am Mex and I heartily endorse this article and / or Product.

And there you have it folks, it's official!

This all just makes sense. If a girl is unable to attract the attention of her male as a friend, she should try to do that as sexual object!

Good article!

I am starting to see a common thread with your articles though.

Bitter experience has taught me that wearing a snappy business suit and speaking in a patronizing southern monotone will NOT result in her saying "Dr. Phil, TAKE ME NOW!" And the less said about the Richard Simmons Incident, the better.

That made me laugh out loud. One of those laughs that startles the dog too. A most unladylike sound.

I am Mex and I heartily endorse this article and / or Product.

Squeeeee! */em dance*

I am starting to see a common thread with your articles though.

Yeah...I'm at that age, doncha know. You know how guys are at about 18? Women get that way in their 30's. It's true...biology is a cruel, cruel bitch.

Yeah...I'm at that age, doncha know. You know how guys are at about 18? Women get that way in their 30's. It's true...biology is a cruel, cruel bitch.

Interesting, tell us more. Possibly another article?

I'm predicting a spike in sales of 20 sided dice.

Nice work DD! Between you a Fletcher recently, the hilarity meter has been through the roof.

So You Want To Be A Succubus

Is this available for sale at Amazon.com? I've so wanted to be a Succubus for like ever but could never find a good how-to guide.

This almost makes me think getting married might be alright.

Then I smack myself, wake up a little bit, and my sanity returns.

Is this available for sale at Amazon.com? I've so wanted to be a Succubus for like ever but could never find a good how-to guide.

Ya know, getting a book published about sucking souls and selling them for a profit is harder than one would imagine...if you'll pardon the pun.

Nice work! Don't know if this is the right venue, but maybe an article on how a guy can catch the attention of his grrlgamer is in order?

Without Rez, I mean.