Daily Elysium: Welcome Perverts!

I should make it clear from the start for those of you who've arrived at this article or website in search of pornography, "warez", or to appease your raging beach fetish, that this article is written entirely in the spirit of mocking you. I point this out, because there appears to be a hell of a lot of you. Anyway, I doubt that you're going to find the groin tickling titillation you seek here, and I really don't know where to send you except maybe a clinic. For the rest of you, I share what I presume is sometimes a mild embarrassment at being a part of the oft quirky and more oft perverted online culture. It's hard enough to convince people who think the information super-highway only has off ramps into the red-light district that those who spend any significant time online do anything but search for pornography without them having proof.

We like to tell ourselves that it's a relatively small portion of the community that besmirches the rest of us, but the truth is it's really not as small as we might like to think. A quick look through some of GWJ's statistics bears this out. While we don't keep any track of from where or whom we receive hits, we do get to find out what search terms led people to our little digital home, and I thought I might share with you some of the more interesting and eye-popping things people like to search for.

I recall that a few months ago Sway and I spent a rather amusing hour or so looking through our site statistics, and that we were both mildly surprised at some of the unusual search terms that led people to GWJ. Oh, the list starts off innocuously enough with people looking for game reviews, or innocently enough with people who mistake our site as a job listing service. But fairly soon, the list of search terms devolves.

It's something of a cliche, the supposedly great loads of provocative materials consumed daily across the internet. And, as I've pointed out before, one of our more popular articles, strictly in terms of number of hits received, is this one where we reported that a Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball nude patch appeared to have been released. Originally published in March, the article still receives one or two hits every day. And, of course, Pyro's legendary article which broke the Half-Life 2 source code story – and, I hasten to point out again, broke the website – still receives plenty of hits from people looking for the actual files, or a half-life cd-key, or both.

But, that's all only the tip of the iceberg. Let's go straight to the source. Here is a sampling of some of the search terms that have led people like horny, morally bankrupt, door-to-door solicitors to our humble doorstep.

- The DOAX searchers:

Here's a taste of the Dead or Alive search terms which bring people regularly to us:

Doax nude; doax nude patch; porn of doax; dead or alive beach volleyball naked; doax porn; naked dead or alive beach volleyball players; doa nude patch, and many many variations thereof. Additionally, it appears one or two people are looking for a game called "˜sexy beach 2: the game'. We know nothing about this game, but we think you're kind of a putz for searching for it.

What's unusual to me is that we've just established there's a whole world of pornography across the internet, so when you have such a cornucopia of perversion, isn't it just a little more than sad that so many people are so aroused by the artificial. One might be willing, if one were particularly hard up for things to think about, to draw conclusions about the superficiality involved in the complete objectification of women to the extent that a segment of the population actively searches for images of flesh colored polygons instead of even bothering with flesh colored silicone bags much less actual flesh itself. Instead, let's just all agree to make fun of these people.

- The porn purists

Don't let our last category fool you. Not everyone is just looking for the digital realization of the caricatured jiggle of the female form. No, even searching for the real thing might eventually lead you to our website. Let's look again at some search terms:

Volleyball girls in thongs; Skimpy ass thongs; Naked women beach; Naked women with large tits; Naked beach girls; Bare tits on the beach; Sexy large breasted women in thongs; and my personal favorite, Perfect sexy tits and nakked women. I'm not sure what putting that extra k in the word naked symbolizes, or why it makes me laugh every time I see it, but doesn't it seem like he's asking for a lot? First, note that the "˜tits' need to be perfect, but that's not enough to satisfy this Casanova. No these perfect "˜tit' women need to be nakked to really fulfill his perfect fantasy. The extra K makes it extra sexy I guess.

Speaking of wanting too much, what about this search: porn warez hl2. I mean, this guy obviously wants an all purpose site, not just porn, not just warez, and not just the half-life 2 leak. Not a single one of those will satisfy his lusty desires. He likes to get everything at a one-stop shop for all his debauchery and lecherous needs.

A few other randy searches leave me scratching my head. Large breasted swimsuits – It's odd enough that someone out there imagines swimsuits need to nurse their young, but what I really want to know is why would you want to see a swimsuit's breasts, much less large ones? Images of mini tits porn – It's nice to see that someone doesn't need their tit-porn to be of the super size variety, but is "˜mini' really that much better? Drunk and naked on the beach – Must we now demand of our porn, that people be in a drunken stupor? Is it really such a turnoff if she's sober and naked on the beach?

- Answers to Important Questions

Not all the hits we get are from sexually frustrated boys, though it's certainly a core audience. Some people come to us seeking answers, and though I've not heard their voice til now, I've come with answers.

Everything about the actual volleyball – I'm glad you put that important word "˜actual' in, because there's a boat load of fake volleyball running around and we need to put a stop to it. Unfortunately I don't have time to tell you everything about volleyball right now, but the important thing to note is that it is often played on the beach and sometimes in the nude (or nakked). See above for more.

What do I do if I'm offered 2 jobs at the same time? – Good question. First, you call your parents and tell them they were way off the mark all the times they called you a lazy, good for nothing sycophant. Then, you should immediately look up the word sycophant so you know what you just said. Then you accept both jobs, show up drunk the first day of both, then rake in double the unemployment when you get fired.

N gage disadvantage – They say there are no dumb questions. In this case, that saying is wrong. The only good question is if there are any advantages to the n-gage. The answer to that question is: no.

What is the interesting thing about the andromeda galaxy? – Good question! The Andromeda Galaxy is made up of billions upon billions of suns, with an exponentially greater number of planets circling that epic host of stars, and among that monstrous number almost certainly some life has evolved. And of that life, a proportionally small, but numerically large segment, has evolved to intelligence. Now, the interesting thing is that every last sentient life form in the Andromeda Galaxy is plotting painful ways to kill you.

Dose game violence teach you anything – That depends, is it one dose or two?

Director of the american-studies program at american university – Most people wouldn't think to come to Gamerswithjobs.com to find information about the head of American Studies at a major university. Good thing you knew better. As of 2001, the director of American Studies at American University is Edward C. Smith, and as you can see in this picture, he's got really awful hair. My point is, when you meet him, don't point at his hair and laugh.

Why studennts don`t do well in school – I'm pretty sure it's because they spell the word students with two Ns. Also, we don't have any nakked pictures here, so you should probably stop checking our site.

What the hell were they looking for?

Not all of the search terms made a lot of sense to me. I'm, for example, awfully curious to know what the guy who searched for "˜swirling ass' was looking for. Well, maybe it's best if I don't know. I'm not even sure what a swirling ass is, much less why you'd want to hunt one down.

I wonder if the guy who searched "˜gamers sense other gamers' was trying to warn us of something, or if he was just really lonely, but I hope he finds whatever he's looking for.

I was a bit disturbed to find that 2 people had googled "˜pyroman' and come our way, but what worries me more is that while he has two stalkers, only one person searched for "˜Elysium and Elysia'. Pyro thinks he's so damn cool.

When we began here at GWJ we interviewed scholar, gaming advocate, and all around stand up guy, Dr. Henry Jenkins. However, I'm not sure what the guy who searched for "˜things we do for love Dr Jenkins' thought he was going to find, but I'm pretty sure we didn't go into that.

We even get people interested in marriage advice, as the person who searched our site for "˜before you marry police' can attest. If we have any advice it's probably to just marry one policeman or policewoman, and don't marry all the police. One of them is bound to notice that polygamy is illegal.

That's just a taste of the oddities that lie among the search references that have bizarrely led people to Gamerswithjobs. I didn't even mention the guy who was looking for "˜what congress doesn't want to heart about youth and the media' much less the confused boy who, we assume, eventually found the "˜cockteasing stories' he was so desperately looking for. If you're guilty of one of the searches listed above, or a similar one, then you should know that you have our sympathy. We 're still going to point and laugh at you though.What 's going to keep me up at night in the near future is curiosity about the search terms that might eventually lead people to this article. For those people, I guess I 'll have to say, 'Welcome perverts! '. - Elysium


That was the funniest thing I have read in weeks - thanks Elysium!

Don't you find it the least worrisome that each of these searches apparently produced a "hit" at our site? It's pretty evident that whoever is initiating these searches has, in fact, found the community he or she desired. In fact, I'm willing to bet that many of them have made homes in our forums by now. I think I know who you are.

Sorry about the "swirling ass" one. That may have been me. I was...doing research...for...some art.

I'm not the least surprised that those searches brought hits to this site. The first time I looked for mods for the original Quake, the top two hits were skateboarding sites and the rest were all about bondage. All I typed was "Quake +mods."

Well... I was going to try and say somthing clever about all those serches being mine from work... but then sombody might ask me to explain some of them. If nothing else it makes you wonder about the mircle of the search engine.

I hope you realize that by writing and posting this article (very funny by the way) you are about to significantly increase the number of hits on each one of those phrases? I would really like to see your stats on those search terms again in a few months...

Im surprised people werent looking for Gamers with BlowJobs.

I laughed, I cried (from laughing), and now I must confess I would visit a website called Gamers with Blowjobs.

Great one, Elysium

Welcome perverts!

Thanks Elysium! I've never been welcomed with such open arms before. It feels so good to finally be accepted.

Im surprised people werent looking for Gamers with BlowJobs.

Now your talkin! You know I bet you could actually make quite a bit of money with that url. Have gamers gettin bj's while playing their favorite game. Maybe they could play it on that G4 tv, I mean it is a cable show right?

The site is going to crash for sure now. Let the porn-searching avalanche commence!

Seriously though, I must say I'm jealous. The searches that bring people to the main website that I manage are terribly boring. I guess this is a good thing though, since it's a state university site. Apparently, there's just not much overlap between porn and education, while there is apparently a HUGE overlap between porn and videogames. In fact Elysium, I believe you may have stumbled on a goldmine. If you guys set up the first porn/game website you would be rich!

By the way, how many hits did Sway's naked comic get? Surely there are a lot of people out there searching for "naked purple couch gaming."

Oh you forgot to mention Paris Hilton. There that should do it!

I can't believe you haven't heard of the magic "swirling ass"?  It's the dance Cameron Diaz does o­n Charlie's Angels.  Sheesh....  That was actually the search that got me here. 

Director of the american-studies program at american university

I think that one's my fault. I remember distincly making fun of someone for being a professor of American Studies and a jackass. I think he was talking about video games getting you hooked on crack or making you beat your parents.

I have two stalkers now, awesome! Its my dream one day to pit them all in a cage match to the death for fun and profit.

While we don't keep any track of from where or whom we receive hits

I don't know what statistics you've been looking at but I can see all that just fine. Wait, was I not supposed to say that out loud? Hang on there's somebody at my door. Hey Elysium what's that bat for oh shi

Cool stuff!

Oh god, think of the next batch of perverted permutations every time a news story is added from now on. Ack!

Imagine if Google would inventory the forums too - how many searches for penis monster would come up?

I laughed, I cried (from laughing), and now I must confess I would visit a website called Gamers with Blowjobs.

Doesn't that imply that the gamers are the ones who are *ahem* giving?

I laughed, I cried (from laughing), and now I must confess I would visit a website called Gamers with Blowjobs.

Doesn't that imply that the gamers are the ones who are *ahem* giving?

No, if we are gamers with blowjobs, it means either we are receiving them, or we have videos of them.

No, thats Gamers Giving Blowjobs.com

If it's "gamers with candy", doesn't that mean they have the candy, not that they are getting the candy? Hence the impression I get...

What I find interesting is that Google's software decided to advertise feather dusters with this article. It seems tame at first, but I think they're getting into the spirit of things when you think about it.

Man. Google knows their stuff.

Now it's eyepatches. Google is the master of the perverted arts.

Uh, now it's advertising TickleWorld.com...

Swirling ass....LOL

...Jeeze... some people are way too specific on what they search and still get to the wrong site... wow!

Friggin hilarious

man that must have been fun finding out all that stuff

Pyroman[FO] wrote:

Now it's eyepatches. Google is the master of the perverted arts.

Eyepatches! Just what my pirate kitty needs!