I've got to be honest. I've been looking forward to writing this article for nearly a year, ever since a casual conversation with Sway last November sent me swimming into the maleficent database of search terms that have brought some peculiar people to our humble site, which culminated in the article Welcome Perverts. This year I was drawn back by the casual observation that Certis' images of Hoochie fawning over the wedding presents you guys lovingly bestowed had generated nearly 200 hits under the search term "˜hot wife'. Granted the vast majority of searches we field are completely legitimate, though some of you have an unhealthy interest in whatever the hell Kingdom of Loathing is. But beyond the perfectly usual searches exists a rotten underbelly of sexual fetish, Olsen twin hatred, pharmaceutical abuse, and job hunting. Join me, won't you, as we return to the dark corners of our search term database.
For the good of all, let me make it clear that there's some crass language coming. This isn't the good clean GWJ you're used to, and this is not a work friendly article. Just a little head's up from your Uncle Ely!
Last November, when I put together my first collection of term oddities, I was pretty amazed at what kinds of information and images people searched for. I was also perplexed at how those searched led them to GWJ – though, I've become increasingly certain it's Mex's fault. I still don't live in a reality where searching for "˜swirling ass' makes any sense, and yet people come to us looking for items that strange and more.. Some of you just can't get enough of DOA porn, can you?
So, without further ado, I present the freaks.
A Public Service Announcement : Before I begin with the meat of this article, I would like to make the following forum members aware that they are being stalked. All the following forum tags turned up as individual search terms:
The following three people should put the police on speed dial.
Slambie – someone out there wants to know what you look like having searched for Slambie+Photo
Hoochie – who was not only searched by name, but also by Hoochie Pants Cleavage. I didn't even know pants had cleavage!
Mex – Who was propositioned with the following: sex me mex
The Breast Fetish : We receive several hundred hits from people who want to see the infant feeding apparatus of the mammalian female – or as we've come to lovingly term them with all appropriate respect: boobies. Many of the boob requests we have revolve around the plastic artificiality of Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball, a game that has printed an indelible nipple image onto the counter culture of gaming, although Ninja Gaiden's Rachel – whose breasts are a teenage boy's wetdream examined through a magnifying glass – has come on rather strong of late. Why the mammary lust leads people to us at all is really quite beyond me, but some of these searches are rather mindblowing. Remember, I'm not making any of this up!
Count Boobula – Otherwise known as Maude the Impaler?
Bigboobsrus – I don't want to grow up, I'm a Big Boobs R Us kid.
The analyzing of the set and lighting in half time show sunday super bowl – Dress it up all you want, clownshoes, you just want to see Janet's best Latoya impression again.
Surgically extended nipples – Is this a thing people even do? Think it through, buddy, because that sounds like something I don't think you want to see.
Katie couric breasts – I say again, think it through, buddy, because that sounds like something I don't think you want to see.
Mutant breasts – Ok, that I want to see!
Dolly parton boobies -sex -teen -cum -c*ck -porn -julia –sheep – What sort of Dali mindhump are you after here? Where do I start "… oh right, the sheep. Now this sheep you're after. Is it named Julia, or do you want to see someone named Julia with a sheep, you know, carnally? Should the sheep be having sex with other sheep, or just Julia, and what part will Dolly Parton's boobs play. Damn, son, this is a just a mess of search. You have to specify and limit your porn; learn to discriminate. There's no magic image out there of teens named Julia having sex with a sheep while giving head to a backdrop of Dolly's breasts. You're asking for too damn much!
Sexy fine girls with there tits out and ass wearing thongs – Ass wearing thongs. So let me get this straight – the thongs, they are wearing asses? You want thongs wearing asses, _and_ you want sexy fine girls with there[sic] tits out? So, what, are the tits girls and ass wearing thongs hanging out at a bar, maybe getting a drink and picking up guys? If so, I'm pretty sure ass wearing thongs will be going home alone. Not the sexy fine tit girls. They're totally getting some!
Women with 3 breasts – Congratulations, you just made those ass wearing thongs sound a lot more appealing.
The Underlying Theme : While breasts, whether surgically enhanced or augmented by sheep, dominated our sexual requests, there's a greater theme to be explored. Namely, porn. This is the internet, and porn is a way of life here. I get that. It's naÃƒÂ¯ve to imagine that anyone ever visited a website without at least hoping there might be a little porn, or at least an occasional link to porn, involved. But, once again, some of you dramatically exceeded my concept of the erotic.
Ascii Porn – is apparently huge. Upon discovering that this is the sort of thing people create and other people look at, I told Certis what a strange discovery I'd made. He became an instant fan. He's probably looking at Ascii Porn now.
Baal the lord of destruction sexy – So, is that a Worldstone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Olsen twins porn – Along with statements of their fundamental evil, concerns over their weight, and a strange interest in their underwear, comes the entirely predictable search for Olsen porn. It's nice of you to wait until they became legal to turn your lusty eye upon them, but now that they're in rehab and therapy, I think the whole innocence thing has worn off.
Emma watson having sex with her boy friend – Emma Watson? You mean Hermione. You mean fourteen freakin' year-old Emma Watson from Harry Potter. Well, way to make the Olsen freaks look normal!
Behind the scenes gay porn pictures – Because sometimes, the gay porn itself just isn't enough. You're watching and it's getting you kinda hot, but the whole time you're thinking, "˜you know, I bet the real action is behind the camera.' It's just never enough for you, is it?
Thongs porn poker – Yeah, I was with you up until the end. That's where you lost me.
Ass reaming – Let's check that definition: ream – "to enlarge an opening or a tube by stretching or reshaping its inside with an instrument." Well I'll not sleep at all tonight, now.
Lesbian Japanese monkey – I've just never gotten into the monkey porn. God knows I've tried, but even the hot girl on girl monkey lovin' action just makes me cringe.
Beastiality study – Yeah, right, "Study". I'll just run get my latest copy of the Journal Nature.
Masturbation animated thank you e cards – Precisely what good deed goes rewarded with a masturbation e-card? Dear Veronica, thanks for getting me off while my arms were broken.
Movie of how to start sexual intercourse satisfy woman – I don't know about you, but this just makes me sad. But ladies, take heart. There's a guy out there doing research, studying diligently, taking notes, performing mental exercises, and accumulating a wealth of carnal knowledge on the art of satisfying you. So while these other boys are out writing jerk-off e-cards and reaming things, he'll be there with a bag full of batteries, a grin on his face, and a science all his own.
Employment Opportunities : There are apparently a lot of people looking for jobs, often highly specialized and specifically targeted jobs. People don't just want retail work, IT jobs, or health care employment anymore. No, they want just that job that fits their identity. I'm here to help!
Jobs for stoners – Web Master, Macintosh retail, Indie Record Producer, Congress.
Jobs for loners – Writer, K-Mart cashier, Hermit
Jobs that start with q – Quality Assurance, Questioner, Quilt Repair, Quail Hunter
Alien research jobs – Astronaut, Astronomer, John Tesh's Manager
Sex jobs – hand, blow, rim
Porn star jobs in Ontario – Bahahahaha! Next.
Jobs for orcs – What? Um, bouncer? Bodyguard? Ermmm, John Tesh's Manager?
Jobs for babies – Now you're just being silly.
Jobs testing games at home for ps2 – Keep dreamin', Tex.
Ask Elysium : Generally there exist two types of searches. Those searching for porn, and those searching for information (perhaps about porn). We obviously get a lot of hits searching for information about video games, which we really don't provide in any factual sense. But there is another class of question entirely, and I'm here to help.
Gangsta way to tie your shoes – I get this question a lot, usually when people see my straight up whack shoelaces. They be askin, "˜damn playa, you representin' with them mad laces, Baller!" Then I be all like, "˜bitch I know you aren't talkin' to me." Then they all be backin' off and sh*t like, "yo, big timer, chill!" So, anyway, the key to tying your shoelaces like a gangsta is to use a 9mm instead of your hands.
How to steal my dad's car? – The only thing that I've found almost every car has in common is the use of a "key" for ignition. This is the object you must confiscate. If you're of legal driving age, then the best way to steal the car would be to play it cool for a couple weeks, then ask to borrow the car so you can run to the store and purchase some wholesome milk. Then, instead, drive the car to Tijuana, trade it in at a shady pawn shop for cash, and buy hookers. Lots and lots of hookers. Then have those hookers call your father and narrate their actions. That will really leave an impression on your parents, I swear. If, however, you're under age, just wait til your dad's asleep, steal his keys and drive the car into the nearest tree.
Why did ming leave foodtv – To shed his title Ming the Culinary for the, let's face it, much cooler Ming the Merciless. Also, Food TV just wouldn't let him wear the skull cap.
How has vegemite helped society – Well if it weren't for Vegemite we wouldn't remember Men at Work at all, and perhaps Paul Hogan would never have become famous. So, in short, it hasn't.
What is my theme music – Oooh, good question. I'm thinking you gotta have a snappin' tempo, with a good back beat. Let's say 4/4, but up around 115 tempo. Kind of a bass drum foundation like bum-bah-BUMP-bump, bum-bah-BUMP-bump. Really hit that backbeat. Then ride that high-hat with a good tss-tss-tss-tss-tss-tss-tss-tss. Add a snare so you got a mad bum-pah-bah-BUMP-pah-bump. Now Horns! Bahdah, bahhhhhh, bandah dow, bandah dow! Bass guitar just hammerin, you know real heavy, Gump ba Dum, bah bum tad um dum. Top it with a solo guitar just friggin' wailing, squeee, deed ah ded, deed ah dee. Oh hells yeah!
I've got no idea : Sometimes we get a search term that just makes no sense to me in any meaningful way. You're welcome to try and interpret these searches in any way that proves logical to you.
A campfire transports us back in time to our ancestors – First are you searching for this campfire, or are you just trying to let the search engine know? Second, are you sure you weren't just burned and then delusional from the pain? Also, how do you know they were your ancestors? Perhaps they were my ancestors, or French.
Question like -how good cook am if how can i phrase this sentence in answer – Well if the answer to your question is entirely dependent on your ability to phrase a sentence, then I'm going to say you're a poor cook.
Pig excrement – Why?
My friends, this is merely a sampling of the oddities that populate our database. I didn't even get to the guy searching for job as a cabana boy in New York, the questions we got on proper straight razor use, or the few dozen people who were investigating how best to abuse Riddlin. It's honestly a virtual twilight zone in that place, and we're sure to visit again. In the meantime let me be the first to say, welcome back perverts!