The Loser Gene


You're a loser.

That's right, I'm talking to you. Sometimes you lose when you really, really wanted to win. The law of averages state that the more games you play, the more chances you give yourself to experience the crushing despair of defeat. What you do with that experience is what shows your opponents just what kind of man/woman/whiney bitch you are.

I've been online a lot lately and a good portion of that time has been spent dealing out defeats and taking quite a few in turn. Let's take a look some of the varieties of loser and see where you fit in. Don't worry, I won't name anyone in particular unless it's Elysium.

"If A, B & C happened I totally would have won!"

Ah yes, the "what if" loser. Nothing amuses me more than slapping someone down and then listening to all the ways I would have lost if only such and such happened or I didn't get so and so early in the round. To be fair, A, B & C is usually willing to admit a screw up too. "If I'd managed my super gem five's better I would have had you!" It's too bad all I really hear is "If I was better than you, I would have won" after a while.

"You're a cheating whore"

Classically ascribed to Counter-Strike, this loser assumes losing is some trick of programming instead of his/her own ineptitude. Lucky for me, GWJ readers are not among this elite cadre of losers.

Punchy Controllerson

Punchy likes to take his loses out on inanimate objects rather than his opponents or perhaps more fittingly, himself. It's not the controller's fault Punchy! Take a deep breath and walk away from the non-sentient device. Thankfully, Elysium... err... Punchy usually learns his lesson once the controller wins and cuts Punchy's knuckle up.

"I've gotta run, bye!"

No post-game wrap-up for the runner. Once the loss is recorded he's out the door and offline before you can blink. It's certainly better than some alternatives but it can be real deflating for the winner if he wants to make a point of congratulating the loser on some nice moves. Good thing winners have long memories!

"Next time I'm going to beat you so hard your mom will feel it"

As far as this loser is concerned the previous game never happened, it's all about the next one. This is another kill joy opponent for the winner, it cheapens the experience after hearing the same litany every time after the past ten wins.

The classic Whiney Bitch

I think we've all played against this person before. The game is over, everyone played within the rules of the game and here comes the whine train pulling into the station. "You attacked my harvesters! That's totally cheap!" or perhaps "You just killed me with rockets the whole time, that doesn't take any skill." Thing is, sometimes the Whiney Bitch has a point but we'll get into different "winners" some other time. If special rules are not entered in the game settings or agreed upon before the round starts then anything is fair game. The best is when Whiney Bitch gets his whine on before the game is even over. Nothing better than listening to that while you mop up.

"I'm never going to beat you ever!"

For me, this may be one of the worst losers you can encounter. Sometimes you simply haven't played a game as much as someone else has and you don't know all the tricks yet. Keep practicing! As often as not, a few key basics can go a long way to leveling the playing field. Don't bother trying to tell this loser that though, he's so deep in his own pit of despair he probably won't hear you.

"Good game tonight! It was a lot of fun."

Finally, we get a good loser! This person is here for fun first and winning second. He knows it's just a game and the small victories during a battle can be just as rewarding as the ultimate win. Lucky for all of us, most of the GWJ community takes variations of this path. Always a pleasure to win or lose with gamers like this.

There are of course more losers than I've mentioned above. They come in all sorts of variations but the bottom line is that there will always be those who can handle losing and those who cannot. I'll admit I've probably fallen into all of these catagories at some point or another but to my credit it's usually only when playing against people I enjoy annoying. That makes it ok, right?

- Certis


I was on an unbeaten streak in Madden against a buddy last year and then one game he just didnt just beat me - he educated me and I looked at my Xbox and very much wanted to punt it Smile (traitorous dog).

A kindred spirit. Oh how I ache to hear the sparkling rain of shattered glass followed by the resounding 'whump' of my Xbox hitting the street below sometimes. Who's winning now, bitch!

My problem is that I'm over competitive. Generally I'm all 'good game guys' on the exterior, but on the inside I'm seething with the white hot rage of ten thousand suns! I'll gather that fury and channel it into kicking your unholy ass next time. I don't say that explicitly, but you can presume that's what I mean when I say good game.

Unless I'm in a pretty good mood, then I just mean good game.

What gets me is the general lack of most gamers to recognize others skills. Probably best demonstrated by the proliferation of the word "lucky." I see it all the time lately. While there is a small amount of luck involved in everything, most of the time you got shot in the head because I aimed at your head and pulled the trigger...

Of course, on the flip side you have the player who is 2-20 and kills you with a blind grenade toss when you have 1hp left, and spams "I pnw j00 n00b!" Ya, that's pure skill.

While there is a small amount of luck involved in everything, most of the time you got shot in the head because I aimed at your head and pulled the trigger...

You mean I can't say, "Uh-uh, you missed"?

[size=9]Lucky bastard[/size]

SlyFrog wrote:
Cloke wrote:

If I had the time to practice more, yes I could do better, but that's not going to happen unless I get divorced or fired.

Hey, control of both of these issues is in your hands. Own the problem, or it owns you. Where are your priorities?

You've got a lifetime to work, and nothing's stopping you from getting married at 50. You've only got the fasttwitch muscle fiber necessary for playing RTSs and FPSs for a short period of your life.

Man, you've got that right. I'm really regretting taking the whole "responsible adult" path. I could be in my mom's basement playing games right now... (weeps silently).