The Loser Gene

You're a loser.

That's right, I'm talking to you. Sometimes you lose when you really, really wanted to win. The law of averages state that the more games you play, the more chances you give yourself to experience the crushing despair of defeat. What you do with that experience is what shows your opponents just what kind of man/woman/whiney bitch you are.

I've been online a lot lately and a good portion of that time has been spent dealing out defeats and taking quite a few in turn. Let's take a look some of the varieties of loser and see where you fit in. Don't worry, I won't name anyone in particular unless it's Elysium.

"If A, B & C happened I totally would have won!"

Ah yes, the "what if" loser. Nothing amuses me more than slapping someone down and then listening to all the ways I would have lost if only such and such happened or I didn't get so and so early in the round. To be fair, A, B & C is usually willing to admit a screw up too. "If I'd managed my super gem five's better I would have had you!" It's too bad all I really hear is "If I was better than you, I would have won" after a while.

"You're a cheating whore"

Classically ascribed to Counter-Strike, this loser assumes losing is some trick of programming instead of his/her own ineptitude. Lucky for me, GWJ readers are not among this elite cadre of losers.

Punchy Controllerson

Punchy likes to take his loses out on inanimate objects rather than his opponents or perhaps more fittingly, himself. It's not the controller's fault Punchy! Take a deep breath and walk away from the non-sentient device. Thankfully, Elysium... err... Punchy usually learns his lesson once the controller wins and cuts Punchy's knuckle up.

"I've gotta run, bye!"

No post-game wrap-up for the runner. Once the loss is recorded he's out the door and offline before you can blink. It's certainly better than some alternatives but it can be real deflating for the winner if he wants to make a point of congratulating the loser on some nice moves. Good thing winners have long memories!

"Next time I'm going to beat you so hard your mom will feel it"

As far as this loser is concerned the previous game never happened, it's all about the next one. This is another kill joy opponent for the winner, it cheapens the experience after hearing the same litany every time after the past ten wins.

The classic Whiney Bitch

I think we've all played against this person before. The game is over, everyone played within the rules of the game and here comes the whine train pulling into the station. "You attacked my harvesters! That's totally cheap!" or perhaps "You just killed me with rockets the whole time, that doesn't take any skill." Thing is, sometimes the Whiney Bitch has a point but we'll get into different "winners" some other time. If special rules are not entered in the game settings or agreed upon before the round starts then anything is fair game. The best is when Whiney Bitch gets his whine on before the game is even over. Nothing better than listening to that while you mop up.

"I'm never going to beat you ever!"

For me, this may be one of the worst losers you can encounter. Sometimes you simply haven't played a game as much as someone else has and you don't know all the tricks yet. Keep practicing! As often as not, a few key basics can go a long way to leveling the playing field. Don't bother trying to tell this loser that though, he's so deep in his own pit of despair he probably won't hear you.

"Good game tonight! It was a lot of fun."

Finally, we get a good loser! This person is here for fun first and winning second. He knows it's just a game and the small victories during a battle can be just as rewarding as the ultimate win. Lucky for all of us, most of the GWJ community takes variations of this path. Always a pleasure to win or lose with gamers like this.

There are of course more losers than I've mentioned above. They come in all sorts of variations but the bottom line is that there will always be those who can handle losing and those who cannot. I'll admit I've probably fallen into all of these catagories at some point or another but to my credit it's usually only when playing against people I enjoy annoying. That makes it ok, right?

- Certis

Comments

That shield seems kinda small for his stature.

When I get accused of cheating I take it as a compliment, I must be doing something right.

"If A, B & C happened I totally would have won!"

Ah yes, the "what if" loser. Nothing amuses me more than slapping someone down and then listening to all the ways I would have lost if only such and such happened or I didn't get so and so early in the round. To be fair, A, B & C is usually willing to admit a screw up too. "If I'd managed my super gem five's better I would have had you!" It's too bad all I really hear is "If I was better than you, I would have won" after a while.

This is totally me. When I lose, I almost immediately go "Oh sh*t what did I screw up this time?" I usually feel the compulsion to explain in great detail exactly what I feel I messed up this round, and then find out how I have to remedy the situation. I'm really bad about this in strategy games for some reason. Action games, I can usually place in the top three or so and be respectable, I'm fine with that. Strategy games leave me constantly analyzing what I did wrong and planning for my next game. I just happen to verbalize the analyzing to anyone that will listen, i.e. Certis. Certis will listen to anything.

If A, B & C happened I totally would have won!"

ahhh the ol "post euchre hand" discussion.

I take offense at being called a loser. Just because I don't win... wait a minute...

I think how you lose depends on a lot on who you're playing. It's a whole lot easier to find yourself losing poorly if the guy who's winning is a real smacktard. Conversely, if you like the folks you're playing with, it stops mattering so much who wins and who loses.

Of course, it also matters what you're playing. Losing repeatedly in a game of skill is frustrating but understandable; losing repeatedly in a game of luck (most games with dice or cards) can just be a real pain in the ass. Ask my wife how good I am at losing 5 games of backgammon in a row...

I'd also like to state that I'm offended at Certis' shameless use of unrelated WoW screenshots, used (apparently) only to remind the less fortunate that he is, in fact, in the beta, while we, obviously, are not.

I'd also like to state that I'm offended at Certis' shameless use of unrelated WoW screenshots, used (apparently) only to remind the less fortunate that he is, in fact, in the beta, while we, obviously, are not.

Loser.

or perhaps "You just killed me with rockets the whole time, that doesn't take any skill." Thing is, sometimes the Whiney Bitch has a point but we'll get into different "winners" some other time.

Ha! This reminds me of the Scout class in Jedi Knight. I was almost unstoppable as the Scout, but the class was a bit too powerful. I'd get my butt handed to me if I tried to fight someone with a lightsaber (which I rarely did).

Bah, even when I lose one game, as long as I didn't give up, I have a moral victory. So there!

I'd also like to state that I'm offended at Certis' shameless use of unrelated WoW screenshots, used (apparently) only to remind the less fortunate that he is, in fact, in the beta, while we, obviously, are not.

PWNED!

I have a moral victory.

Is mex even allowed to use the word moral?:)

I think how you lose depends on a lot on who you're playing. It's a whole lot easier to find yourself losing poorly if the guy who's winning is a real smacktard. Conversely, if you like the folks you're playing with, it stops mattering so much who wins and who loses.

This is certainly true, but it's even more irritating when I realize that I'm actually allowing the smacktard to dictate my losing... err, playing style. And then said realization doesn't lower my stress level any. At all.

Which is why I got out of online competitive gaming and am only reluctantly getting back into it. I miss playing... I don't miss the anxiety it sometimes caused me. I may be a very small segment of the population, but I do wish there were more games that I could play *cooperatively* with folks.

You actually got into "Competitive Gaming"? Tell us more.

I'd imagine if someone's playing competitively, "psyching out" your opponent and stressing him to no end is a valid tactic. It is in chess, at least.

Ever win something?

Competitive in the sense of "not cooperating with folks and instead shooting them in the head." Your average night of CS, in other words.

I do fine in sports for example, competing into college levels in a few. I owned a comic/hobby shop for awhile during the heady days of Magic the Gathering and ran/played in several tourneys. I'm not invited to many poker games any more. I compete just fine. It's the online variety that gets under my skin sometimes.

I think part of the problem is there's little to no accountability in a online match. In a soccer game, if I repeatedly mock someone, I should expect a fight. Online, it's just a way to establish how cool you are. It's a remarkably stupid way to get people to stick around in a game, thus providing you with more headshot victims, of course. Which is why professional poker players *never* mock amateurs at the table... they bring the money.

Of course, you're right about the psyching out portion of it, Mex. I'd rather just win on ability alone and not feel I managed to cause the opponent to beat him/herself, but it's certainly an accepted tactic. I'm probably just wired strangely and looking more for a night of fun and relaxation, not a way to beat my chest in a purely virtual fashion.

LOL. That was great, Certis!

I definitely fall into the "Good game tonight! It was a lot of fun." category since I play for fun and not for cut-throat, pound-you-into-the-ground winning. Although that can be extremely gratifying, especially when you lord it up over the loser for days afterward.

The Mr. Slambie hovers somewhere between "If A, B & C happened I totally would have won!" and "Punchy Controllerson."

A) It's always someone or something else's fault, and
B) The nearest inanimate object is going to pay dearly for this

Many a time there's been cards, dice, etc. flying through the air when he's been on the losing side of a board or card game. Of course, that makes the winning all that much more gratifying.

"If A, B & C happened I totally would have won!"

Ah yes, the "what if" loser. Nothing amuses me more than slapping someone down and then listening to all the ways I would have lost if only such and such happened or I didn't get so and so early in the round. To be fair, A, B & C is usually willing to admit a screw up too. "If I'd managed my super gem five's better I would have had you!" It's too bad all I really hear is "If I was better than you, I would have won" after a while.

This takes me back to those all-night Starcraft-a-thons we'd have in the lab in my last year of college when we were all supposed to be working on our Senior Projects. About every 30-40 minutes we'd all come out, grab a smoke, do the ABC thing, and then fire the next game up. It wasn't annoying back then because the win/loss ratio pretty much hovered around 1:1.
Except for one guy. Yep, that Mikey Dunn was a freaking god. I'd bet he could get some Korean chicks, his skills were so badass.

Hey, you forgot about the Lag Loser, or "I would have beat you but my connection sucks." Sometimes it might even be true, but you hear this so often it can't always be the case.

Not that I hear it directed at me -- I suck at competitive games. Well, unless it's pasting co-workers in LAN games of unreal tournament. For some reason I did really well in that situation. But online games? Forget about it. Hey, maybe my connection sucks . . .

For some reason I always end up with faulty controllers. *shrug*

I would probably fall into the "If A,B anc C happened...." category. I have never minded losing to someone as it just gives me the urge to go back and play it again to try and beat them. I do mind losing when I play against someone who I had a snowball's chance in hell of beating because they know every little hack and bug in the code of the game. When I lose to someone because they realized after playing the game for the 50th straight hour that if they build up 20 of unit X, combine with 10 of unit Y, move to a specific location on the map, then press both mouse buttons at once while patting their head and rubbing their stomach there is no way I can counter the move and lose. At least give me the illusion of winning. This is one of the reasons I gave up playing Tribes. After a while the game was no longer about capture the flag strategies or choosing the best layout for you armor. Instead, the game degraded into people figuring out obscure bugs with the engine (anyone remember the bug that allowed you to place invincible turrets in the walls?) and then exploiting them until the next patch came out. I always hated seeing a heavy skiing/flying in from across the level, touch down exactly on the flag, then take off again without somehow taking a hit at all, even though the place was full of turrets, mines and ill will towards the enemy heavy. When some 16 year old tells me "HA HA HA F****R Your ass was mine. You never had a chance" and then mention some supposed sexual act/fantasy he did with my mom last night, online gaming loses it appeal with me.

Where was I going with this rant? Oh yeah:

LOSING BAD!!!!!

I would hope that I come across as a good loser -- Dog knows I have enough practice at losing -- but I'll leave that for my victorious opponents to critique.

Let me just say that regardless of my behavior, as a winner of a mutual contest, you should always understand your victory over me to be an important, crucial and necessary strike all personkind against the treacherous, malignant evil forces that constitute the California bar.

P.S. It wasn't the bandwidth, or the lag, it was the refresh rate.

In most cases I try to be the type that enjoys the game even if I lose, but in games of luck, I lose every single time...and that is really frustrating. I can't play card games with my wife unless it involves at least 50% skill, otherwise my 100% bad luck will determine the winner of the game (her).

To show how bad it is, we have played Rook about 30-40 times over the last year or so, and not once have I ever been dealt the "Rook" card. What's even worse, is that I usually deal every time because she doesn't care for shuffling the cards.

I like to think I take it well when I lose, but some losses are more frustrating than others. If I manage to finish somewhere in the middle of the heap in UT2K4 or BF:V I feel pretty good. But if I jump on a server where most of the players are very good and get absolutely crushed (negative scores in games are just cruel - I know I'm losing, there's no need to rub it in), it's just not fun. If I had the time to practice more, yes I could do better, but that's not going to happen unless I get divorced or fired. And no matter how much I practice, I will never beat some of the really talented players, any more than I will win a spot on the Patriots starting lineup this fall. Some of us are just better at some things than others. Luckily, there are enough servers running for popular games that finding players of similar skill usually isn't a problem.

Moving on to find another server where you can do better and have more fun shouldn't be considered bad form.

Cloke wrote:

If I had the time to practice more, yes I could do better, but that's not going to happen unless I get divorced or fired.

Hey, control of both of these issues is in your hands. Own the problem, or it owns you. Where are your priorities?

You've got a lifetime to work, and nothing's stopping you from getting married at 50. You've only got the fasttwitch muscle fiber necessary for playing RTSs and FPSs for a short period of your life.

IMAGE(http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v317/TheRealEdwin/dvowned.jpg)

EDIT: Stupid yahoo. Just think of this as any Star Wars game that is online. Ever.

that's an undead girly?

I can't see it Edwin. I avoid playing online games. I love to win and I know it so it's best for me to just not play them. I do play street hockey and annoy my friends .

Normally online I am a Good Game loser. However I am definitely Punchy controllerson when playing some console games (that freaking uncoordinated, lame, disease ridden Prince of Persia - Why wont you jump and roll and make time slow down all at once you worthless cretin?) :). I was on an unbeaten streak in Madden against a buddy last year and then one game he just didnt just beat me - he educated me and I looked at my Xbox and very much wanted to punt it (traitorous dog).

- Spy

If there's voice communication I'm most likely a "I don't talk anyways, so if I don't talk after losing it doesn't mean I'm angry". With single player games, I have been known to let out an occasional "Mutha f*cka" in an attempt to strike fear into my AI opponent, after said opponent has mopped the floor with me several quicksave/quickloads over. Online I would say I'm more of a "nice shot" "Good game" "Nice work" kind of guy.

Heh, the worst I probably do in-game is to not say "gg" at the end of a match. Generally I think I'm a pretty good loser (harhar!) - I always try and give a "gs!" or a "n1" where it is due.

My reaction outside the game is another story though. I tend to get all shouty when I'm mad, describing in great detail to no-one in particular how lame/cheating/unfair/etc an opponent is. Sigh, I can only imagine how crazy I must sound, shouting at the walls and the PC... (Luckily it's not a regular thing)

Ah, now that I think about it, I do also punish my keyboard, but usually only in SP games. Keyboards are so cheap these days (well, mine is anyway) that I don't feel bad at all about using them to show the PC exactly what I think about it. I think bashing the keyboard has to be one of the most therapeutic things one can do...

(Edwin, that is one of the best Star Wars pics I have ever seen! Thanks for the chuckle!)

I can see it now!! Very funny.

I always keep saying to myself that I'm going to join you guys in your weekly games... then I always end up having something else to do Mostly its cuz I dont want to friggen lose I admit it, Im a very sore loser....

To give an example, when Decent 2 came out (thats the one where Type-O-Negative did the soundtrack.. AWESOME GAME) my best friend and I would spend HOURs playing coop over a dial up. Well the problem with that game was when you died, all your cool armorment and weapons just popped up where you died and anyone near it can take your stuff. OHHHH THE FIST FIGHTS WE GOT INTO WHEN THE OTHER "ACCIDENTALLY" PICKED UP THE DEAD ONES STUFF HAHAHAHA

We also got into an aggressive wrestliing match when he beat me at Master of Monsters (very rare that he beat me mind you). We made a rule that we would take out each others nearest NPC players first, then we would attack each other. Well I went to the bathroom and when I came back, part of my army had "disappeared". Well he cheated but we kept playing (cuz it was already 5 hours into the game) and I ended up losing OOH I WAS MAD hahaha.

One more little thing I should mention. My sig says I play hockey... well thats a rather non-aggressive sport so my wife and I thought we would put our son in it. Well one day he was at practice and he had a temper on the ice. Made a mistake and threw his stick. Ohhh did he get it from mom and I. We did the typical parent thing and tried to teach him to keep his temper, especially in team sports. Well, um... I sort of had my own hockey game that night and um... well.. um... I kinda got into a fight and got suspended for 2 games. And yes... my wife and son were there. All I could think of when I was pounding on the guy with his jersey over his head was, damn... how am I going to explain this to him =P

PAR

Yes, like Paladin said... the "lag"-loser should definitely be ont that list.

Yesterday, in Wow: We, 2 warriors and my mage do a quest against elite ogres. We encouter a pair of them too close to each other to get alone, so i offer to sheep one so they can take the other. But then one of the warriors attacked the sheep *poof* back was big bad ogre...another polymorph spell....*sheep* another hit *poof* at least 4 times, that guy didnt stop.
A short while later we found ourselfs floating at the graveyard as ghosts... a short silence in the chat... then the guy said ..."damn lag"