A gamer with a job; I can't think of a person that needs to stay awake more. Well, maybe a few, like a doctor or a pilot, with a concussion. Or a guy on a unicycle, he's gotta be alert. But, I don't write for Concussed Doctors with Unicycles so I'm not worried about them. The point is that gaming tends to drag on into the night, and work tends to cut into our morning nap time so we have to find a way to keep our eyes open on a day to day basis. We have to, at least, appear alert and comprehending as we put in our 8 or 10 or 12 hours.
Enter coffee. The hot black liquid is what keeps most of us chugging along. It's the moonshine in our diesel engine. The only reason some of us can twist our chapped lips into the slight curve of a smile at 8:00 a.m.
It's so important that my work even provides its employees with an unlimited supply of this magical elixir. This ensures that we don't all come in to work only to immediately slump over our desks and chairs as if The Joker had just released his silent nerve gas into the building. It's just a part of my everyday life as I'm sure it is for a large portion of people that game and work, and that means you are all aware of that one device that taints the sweet existence of our precious life blood: those cheap, little styrofoam cups.
I truly hate the little white devils. They are annoying, small, and unnatural to touch. The Danny Devito's of the office kingdom. Well I'm tired of them! It's time for a new coffee cup. Not just any cup, mind you. I want to finally find that one mug that I've been pining for all these years: one with that will accommodate my homo-sapiens hand and all four of its fingers. I want to look at my mug and wonder whether to fill it with coffee or mead. I want a mug that will gain the respect of elf and dwarf alike. One that looks as if forged by Hephaestus himself. Got a picture in your head? Good, now let's get searching.
Time to let Google take us on a magical adventure. Are you listening Google? Search: Coffee Stein!
Hey, GiftMugs.com sounds promising. Maybe something from this charming set:
A good start but it's a little too close to the cutting edge of high fashion for me. I like Richard Scary, but I don't want to drink out of something appearing in one of his books. Plus, the first time I take it down to the Matrix-like staging area this office calls Data Processing and set it down next to a wall, I'll never find the damn thing again.
This one is a little more form without loosing function from BelDecal.com:
You can even get this one personalized, but you have to get 50-100 of them next day FedEx. I'm afraid if I had 50 coffee mugs I would feel compelled to use them. The only way I can think to do that is to angrily smash one against the wall once or twice a week when someone disagrees with me. I'll just bookmark this for now.
Next, Ebay offers up this mighty champion:
"Son, when your picture is on a coffee mug. THAT'S when you've made it." – Ron White, Sr.
This one is more the size and shape I want but I'm afraid there is a little too much Ron White all over the surface. I don't really even know who Mr. White is. I do know that he vaguely reminds me of "Buffalo Bill" from Silence of the Lambs. IT PUTS THE COFFEE IN THE CUP OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!
Hey, this looks promising, Stein World:
Oh, the company is called Stein World but apparently only makes coffee tables. Ha ha, good one jackasses. I'm going to make a company called Table World but only give people the finger. We start production today! Check your Steinworld.ass email for a special offer!
Shop.webomator.com? I don't know what the hell a webomator is but they did have this little lass:
Check out Von Celticstein here. Good size, great style, knot patterns on the side, and is that harp art? They call this the Offogerty Harp Stein so I guess it is. Damn, no mention at all of handling hot liquids. So close! I like it but I don't really need a beer mug all that much. I get my beer right from the source! You know the bottle. That's my source since I don't actually have a brewery. Let's move on.
Alright, Coffee Stein isn't really getting me there. Let's try searching for something more practical, like, Gigantic Coffee Mug:
I want mine to have "Venti++" printed on the side of it. I can almost hear the polite, awkward laughter of my coworkers already. I also want another one to have a name that's a total rip off like this company has. The apples were here first, boys. Unfortunately, like a lot of big guys this one is suffering from a tiny handle.
A colleague of mine pointed me in a Café Press direction:
Not too bad. It has a clean style and a message I can get behind. Look it even fits that tiny man's hand! Good job on the no frame of reference guys. That could be some kid's hand, or a shaved monkey. Nice try.
Wow, I'm still empty handed. I'm just not cut out for this "finding" crap. So, like everyday at work, after getting bored with a project I'm going to pass it along to someone else.
Find me a coffee mug!
Remember to use your judgment when looking. Just find one for me, don't buy it. I want the pleasure of doing that myself. Also, if you have questions about my preferences just apply my child adoption philosophy to your decision: Not too skinny but not too big to handle, color is not a preference as long as it isn't ugly, no crazy deformations, and make sure I can easily pick it up with one hand.
As far as judging handle size, remember I want to be able to hold the handle with my entire hand. Not daintily with two fingers like my English relatives. I've included a picture of my dominant hand holding a common object for size reference. Happy hunting!