Pit Stop

Finally, some time to myself. Things have been so busy lately, I haven't really had a chance to just sit quietly and relax. Of course, if any place is going to be quiet and secluded, this would be it. It's just me, the shower curtain, the sink, and my DS. I snuggle down on the cold porcelain and turn on an old classic I've been meaning to revisit: Mario Kart.

With all the games that have come out for the DS since the little racer's debut I'd almost forgotten what a blast it is. The power slides and items and all the different karts to choose from, I'll just run a race and then try to see if I can find a quiet place in the house to spend with the grand prix. Just one race. One more race. Just one more race after this one. Otherwise my wife will get suspicious.

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Roger has been in that bathroom for 20 minutes. I can't think of what he is doing in there, unless . . . oh no, I hope it wasn't the chicken. That's the first time I tried it in the oven like that.

Lord, I'll never hear the end of it if I've made him sick as a sick dog. I better go check on him. What's the use in having a husband if you just poison him to death?

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"Honey?" My wife knocks on the door. "Are you ok in there? Your stomach hurt?"

"I'm fine, dear. No problems. Be out in a minute!" I shout back. Ok, I should go after this battle game. A few more popped balloons and I'll finish up and leave.

Damn! I got hit! If I don't re-inflate I'm finished! I take a deep breath.

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Listen to him panting in there! He sounds like he's giving birth! Is that the sound of the toilet rocking back and forth? I better get the pink stuff for when he comes out. From the sound of it I might need to go buy some more.

"Man, I just can't pass this guy! Come on you little turd!" He groans loud enough for me to hear it in the next room. Poor guy. Be strong Roger.

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I hate Toad so much! He's always using those cheap little blue shells. He doesn't know how to race like a man. Enjoy 2nd place while you can you little mushroom bastard. I'm coming for you.

I can't help but rock as I jerk the wheel back and forth to pull those red sparks and burning tires around the hairpins. I'm so close to the lead car's rear bumper I could spit on him. The wind rushes by my little tan tank and the speed boost sets me up to pass on the next turn. Then he lays out a banana right in front of me.

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"God! I can't believe I ate that!" he screams. I'm already scraping the leftover dish of chicken out into the garbage.

"No sir, Scruff." I scold the dog as he eyes the trash. "I don't need two sick dogs on my hands."

I feel so bad for Roger. I should go see if he's in any pain.

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"Roger? Hon, I'm so sorry. It was the chicken wasn't it?" My wife through the door again. What in the hell is she talking about? Does she know what I'm doing?

"No, babe, it was a banana. Kind of snuck in there at the last minute." I shout at her.

"Well, that's what you get for sneaking in snacks after dinner!" She huffs and I can hear her stamp off.

What in the hell?

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A whole plate of chicken in the garbage! I can't believe I was worried about that big lummox in the first place. I should have known that it was just him getting himself stuck in another ridiculous situation!

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This is not good. I'm curious about what in the hell chicken has to do with Mario Kart so I put it on standby, but, in my feverish attempts at beating Toad to the finish line I hadn't realized that my legs have gone numb.

Everything's cool, though. I can make it through this. Just have to get the blood going to the old stems here. What do they do in the wild when you can't feel your legs? I think they beat on them. Maybe that will get the nerves to wake up.

I start to slap my thighs. They are starting to get cold.

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Is he slapping himself in there? "Roger what the hell are you doing to yourself?" I swear it's like living with a mental patient. I wonder if straight jackets are expensive.

"I'm trying to wake my nerves up! I can't feel my legs!" he shouts.

"You are such a drama queen! You're just doing the same thing in there we all have to do everyday!" I roll my eyes and go back to the TV. A scream erupts from the bathroom and I just turn the volume up. What a freak.

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Pins and needles like I've never experienced in my life explode throughout the nervous system in my legs. I am torn between screaming or biting my tongue till it bleeds. Screaming it is.

I'm making a mental note to keep a hacksaw in the restroom when the pain starts to become manageable. At least I can move my legs again. I lift myself up to a standing position for the first time in an hour and a half. The blood sloshes in my head like a thick wine and I have to concentrate on the steps to take to get myself in order and dressed.

The sound of the swirling water in the toilet has an almost calming effect as the cold air from the rest of the house blasts me when I open the door.

"Hey, you lived!" My wife beams up at me from the couch. "Well with all that racket I hope you at least got something done in there."

"Yeah, I won." I sigh.

Comments

Funny stuff, definately put a grin on my face, but if the day comes when i have to use the bathroom like that to escape the SO I'm in trouble... I haven't even got a DS

Damn Funny. I nearly spat a martini through my nose at the "numb legs" part.

If there are more people like this, then I wouldn't be surprised if the number of DS sales are directly related to cases of hemroids.

As usual, great stuff, Chiggie. I have to admit, I've gamed to the point of numb legs before, also.

oldmanscene24 wrote:

As usual, great stuff, Chiggie. I have to admit, I've gamed to the point of numb legs before, also.

Haven't we all, OM? Haven't we all?

I see you've been up to your usual genius, Chiggs...

For me one of the great things about Mario Kart is that it's so easy and tempting to just keep playing. "One more race...I'll just finish to get this Cup...". This weekend I caved and let my 6 year old play with my DS Lite on a long 7 hour drive home from my in-laws. He killed about 3 hours straight in the car without a sweat. At that point he switched over to NSMB's and did an hour of mini-game multiplayer action against his 4 year old sister playing on their mother's DS Lite.

Guess what the kids are getting for Christmas.

God I love portable gaming.

(Nice writeup Chiggie - good to start the day with a laugh).

As the resident Mario Kart Expert (nay, dare I say ninja) I can say I relate Chiggie... Right down to the crippling pain of numb legs.

Don't ever start a cup race while on the can, it only ends in tragedy.

Who's Roger?

Impressively well done!!

BTW, if I had to pick one single most disgusting thing about America, it would be the proclivity of its inhabitants to read, talk on the phone, play videogames, and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:

Impressively well done!!

BTW, if I had to pick one single most disgusting thing about America, it would be the proclivity of its inhabitants to read, talk on the phone, play videogames, and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

What? I couldn't hear you. I was reading Faust on the can.

Sick, sick I say!

I really liked this article. I for one am prone to staying way too long in the bathroom playing a bit of classic Secret of Mana or FF3 on my good ol' psp. honestly, without the emulators, the thing would just be an extremely expensive paper weight. I also have a DS and frankly, the DS is much more enjoyable. I'll take Nostalgia over Watered Down Ports anyday.

Nicely done, Chig. With two toddlers in the house, the bathroom's often the only place where I can get ANY personal space. In fact, we've put into place a rather strict policy which applies to the entire household: PIP- Poop in Peace. If the house is on fire, it's ok to knock on the door after you've called the fire department.

Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:

Impressively well done!!

BTW, if I had to pick one single most disgusting thing about America, it would be the proclivity of its inhabitants to read, talk on the phone, play videogames, and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

You forgot guitar playing, which I'm guilty of... Nice acoustics in there

Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:

BTW, if I had to pick one single most disgusting thing about America, it would be the proclivity of its inhabitants to read, talk on the phone, play videogames, and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

Hey, we're a busy people. Gotta have something to slow us down in the john... it's kind of a safety issue, really.

My plan for getting rich is to invent a combo wall-mounted toilet paper dispenser/DS Lite Recharging dock.

I can't imagine getting enough peace in the bathroom for long enough to even boot the DS, much less play anything. I can't get five minutes of peace at 3am without those famous last words, "Mom! Are you in there?"

Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:

BTW, if I had to pick one single most disgusting thing about America, it would be the proclivity of its inhabitants to read, talk on the phone, play videogames, and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

If you don't have something to read/play, it's boring in there. Talking on the phone, though... Freakish.

Chumpy_McChump wrote:
Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:

BTW, if I had to pick one single most disgusting thing about America, it would be the proclivity of its inhabitants to read, talk on the phone, play videogames, and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

If you don't have something to read/play, it's boring in there. Talking on the phone, though... Freakish.

I answer telemarketing calls on the can. And I let them know tis in the most effective manner I can.

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Chumpy_McChump wrote:
Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:

BTW, if I had to pick one single most disgusting thing about America, it would be the proclivity of its inhabitants to read, talk on the phone, play videogames, and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

If you don't have something to read/play, it's boring in there. Talking on the phone, though... Freakish.

If you're in there long enough to get bored you're staying in there too long.

Heh, I love to read or game on the can. But I hate social or any contact. So please don't talk to me when I'm doing the big one, I'm trying to do it in peace.

Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:

and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

Does anybody do this? (I suppose philosophically it's all anybody is doing)

Talk about just being the middle man.....

Baggz wrote:
Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:

and consume food while sitting on a toilet. This is just freaking sick.

Does anybody do this? (I suppose philosophically it's all anybody is doing)

A friend of mine could see his TV from his bathroom. He would often sit on the toilet and watch a movie while consuming a whole pizza.

And how long does it take anyway? Boredom caused by a couple of minutes without seeing flashing images sounds like an onset of ADHD to me. Do you also feel urge to play with DS when you're brushing your teeth, too? Whole two minutes, man!!

Seriously, though, IMHO no matter how boring it is, there's some certain loss of dignity happening when you combine the act of defecation with... pretty much whatever. Interestingly, you're finding talking on the phone while taking a dump freakish, but not eating while taking a dump?.

This is likely to be a result of upbringing in a different culture, but when I am hearing about someone doing that, I feel like asking a question: when you wash your hands after you're done, do you also wash the DS? Or you skip the hall hand-washing ritual altogether? The angle I view this on is the same as for the general slobbery. People who're seeking to be entertained while sitting on the commode probably also dispense away with all other notions of tidiness, such as not eating in their cars and bedrooms, making their beds, or midning to suppress their belching in public, or indeed washing the hands after having done the toilet business. The notions, which in America somehow are seen to be intruding on people's personal freedoms.

Speaking of eating -- yes, I know (or, thanfully, knew) of a person who kept bags of potato chips in his bathroom wall cabinet.

This is likely to be a result of upbringing in a different culture, but when I am hearing about someone doing that, I feel like asking a question: when you wash your hands after you're done, do you also wash the DS? Or you skip the hall hand-washing ritual altogether?

I can't speak for anyone else, but I put my book/GBA/etc down before I get to the wiping part and only pick it back up after washing my hands. Also while I do generally read while on the can, the idea of eating while on the john just gives me the creeps.

I'm reminded of "All Quiet on the Western Front" where they would form a circle with their poop boxes and play cards on top of a large butter lid resting on their knees. They'd be impressed by the future where you can play MarioKart while pooping versus people worldwide.

A part of me feels like you do, Gorilla, and a part of me is thinking "hey, I should try doing this DS-on-the-john thing". Damn you, America.

Dr.G wrote:

I answer telemarketing calls on the can. And I let them know tis in the most effective manner I can.

If you don't mind me asking: how exactly does it work? Are you stalking them out on the john during the prime time, patiently laying in wait in anticipation of a call? Or you rush there headlong to assume the battle station as soon as the phone rings and you hear "may I talk to the head of the household"?

How can you eat and take a dump at the same time? Do you eat in a restaurant that smells of manure? I don't thiiiink soooo!