Our Pervert Overlords
As always, it's important to note that this article is Not Safe For Work, unless, that is, you work with Edwin where it's apparently fine to pin pornography right up in the break room.
For those of you not familiar, this is the epic fourth installment in the Welcome Perverts series where I delve into the unseemly nether regions of our voluminous searchterms database, which I suspect is not unlike going through a septic tank to find a lost wedding ring, in the spirit of making fun of people for your entertainment. Every time someone is referred to us by way of one of the major search engines, we get to find out what keyphrase sent the anonymous individual our way. Most of the search terms are predictably innocuous full of requests for information on Oblivion mods, Oblivion reviews, Oblivion strategies, Oblivion troubleshooting, and, naturally, Kiera Knightly whose contingent of lustful fans have already found their way to GWJ for Kiera Kontent more than 4000 times this year. But, every few thousand search terms contain a strange and bizarre nugget that is, at best, humorous, and at worst, disturbing enough to rock my tenuous confidence in humanity.
These are a sampling of those terms:
Every year it gets a little more difficult to write my Welcome Perverts article. While, in the first episode it was easy enough to enlist the deluge of Dead Or Alive Beach Volleyball porn requests to fill half the article, that's simply not good enough anymore. Besides, after four years, the requests for DOAX porn have finally waned and been replaced by a great and aching lust for Samus Aran, be it "Samus having sex", "Samus naked", "boobies samus aran", or "What if Samus had sex with Master Chief?". Likewise, as we examined in-depth with Welcome Back Perverts, the bust-lust for the female breast is also a perennial favorite of the porn seeking gamer. One might not realize how widely varied the desires for the female form are until one slips into the viscous and disturbing inquiries of the searchterm database, which continues to offer desires for "pictures of boobless women", "hardcore huge lactating breasts", "night elf chick boobies", "slimy boobs", "sex toy breast ball", and the burning question "does shadow the hedgehod like boobies?".
Despite the hesitation to retread the same terms year after year, we seem to have our finger firmly planted on the pulse of the lascivious gamer. This leaves us with two things: 1) a database of search terminology rich with the disturbing, the strange, the comic, and the perverted. And, 2) a driving desire to wash our hands.
Just The Facts, Perv:
As curious as the terms themselves are, the different ways in which people employ search engines is equally diverse. You find as many methodologies for searching, as you do searchers. From the technical that use quotes and minus signs to refine their searches, to the keyword junky, to the esoteric, to the barely literate, to the questioners, to the statement makers, everyone has their own secret patterns that have become reliable methods of finding just the right kind of furry porn. We look now at those who seem to be telling the world some crucial pieces of information:
I am looking at gay porn – That's fine, but Google's not going to tell your family for you, pal.
I suck at ping pong – We here at the Statistical Information Center for Crap About You have added this crucial piece of datum to your personal file right between "I crave attention" and "I wish I had friend to tell my problems to".
The 36-year-old former Playboy playmate exposed her left breast while presenting an award – Really? Are you sure it was her? I mean, that doesn't seem like the sort of thing an upper-crust gal like that would do.
My butt hurts bunny – I think I need some clarification on parsing this sentence. For example, is there a My Butt Hurts mascot named My Butt Hurts Bunny, or do you have a friend named Bunny to whom you are complaining? Wait, are you a bunny and simply looking for sympathy?
Girlfriend wants me to shave down there – Why? Did you lose a bet, because I know someone who did "…
Thanks a Lot Fletcher and Sanjuro:
It is GWJ lore, and a wager that dominated the site for months, but with all the talk of scrotal shaving it was inevitable that men from far and wide would come to us to discuss their testicles. I couldn't shuffle through more than a few dozen search terms at a time without slapping into someone's balls, or worse, hair. No seriously, thanks guys!
Most of the questions fell into a few various categories of "How to shave your testicle hair", and for that I have no new and relevant information to offer. Besides, I see that thousands of you already have the inside line on Nair. I've often wondered, outside of losing a bet, why someone would choose to shave their sack, because not only would it feel quite odd, I assume, but I bet the process itself is not entirely pleasant. In fact, one might be inclined to search for methods of "…
Soothing shaved testicles – To which I recommend a nice lotion and preparing yourself for the inevitable and horrible itching to come when the hair starts growing back.
But that's not all that people want to do with their dangly privates.
How to play with your testicles – The key is to find a game you can both enjoy, like Scrabble or Cribbage.
Beating Testicles – Look, there are some things we just don't do. This is one of them.
Testicle masturbating belt sander – That's a pretty broad definition of masturbation. Like I just said, there's some things we don't do. This is now at the top of that list! However, if you're really determined, I recommend starting on the slowest setting possible, and use a low grain sandpaper, to make sure this is really for you.
Heat gun the testicles – Whoa! I take it back. This is at the top of the list. And thanks a lot for my nightmares for the next two weeks!
As always, we are here to help our readers, be they perverts or otherwise. You have questions? We have answers!
Why do I always have boner penis? – Because you're fifteen and male. Remember that this was a problem when you turn forty-three and start popping blue pills like pez.
Who's the girl in the whitesnake video? – David Coverdale
How to impress a girl by being with her only in school – Oh, there's lots of ways. One way is to raise your hand to answer every question whether you know the answer or not. This shows confidence and initiative. Another way is to make her a mix tape with lots of sad ballads and angsty lyrics that lets her know how sensitive you are. Also, drive in front of her house five times per night slowly until her father threatens to call the cops. For maximum effect, stand in her driveway holding up a radio playing Peter Gabriel songs.
Superman flying how does it work – Well, first the artist draws Superman standing on the ground. Then, and this is the key, he draws him horizontally and not standing on the ground.
Did someone say tits? – Judging by this database, enough people said it that you could hear the word "˜tit' on the moon.
Worst pickup lines ever –
#3 – Your breasts are like firm melons ripening in the autumn sun; thought you oughta know.
#2 – Don't worry, after we have sex if you accidentally get pregnant, I'll totally ask you to marry me.
#1 – You should be in porn!
Ah, more porn –
Pornography is, naturally, the foundation of this article, and there's no shortage of strange fetishes wandering though our articles and threads this year. Again, much of the average and increasingly uninteresting stuff revolves around famous names such as Kiera Knightly, Scarlett Johanssen, Jessica Alba, and that one art teacher that posted nude pictures of herself on the Internet and got fired.
Cats performing cunnilingus on girls – dress it up with all the fancy words you want, pal. It's still furry porn. Oh, and creepy.
horny squirrel – Just when you think you've heard them all.
brett favre nude – Way to make the horny squirrel guy look cool.
gay sex e3 / gay sleeping – Did they not see the pillow between Certis and I? The pillow of heterosexuality?
dutch waffle sex – Mmm, pastry pornography.
Morgan Webb testicles – Sure, she's a little mannish, and amzonian, but cut the girl some slack. I don't think she's sporting brain.
Sex level 3 – Ding!
nerd bondage – Don't even try to struggle; those ropes are elven crafted with a +2 bonus against physical damage. Now, let's see what's under all that velour.
Finally, there are always a few nuggets of oddity in the database that simply defy classification. I'm certain that, at the time, they made sense to whomever plugged the words into their favorite search engine, but without context they just seem, well odd.
Cuddly babes – Someone just wants a naked hug
And sometimes it's a big brown dick – Sometimes it's puppies and sunshine, but you're right; other times it's the other thing.
My space lesbians – And you can't have 'em!
Obscure insult – The feather in your tricorne comes from an inferior bird!
Dear penis tap – I've had a great week at camp. I made a clay ashtray, and met some cool friends. I really miss you, penis tap. I can't wait to see you again. Love, Kevin.
I hope you've enjoyed this annual look at the disturbing people who share this site with you. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need a shower.