Guild Wars: Factions


A Postmodern Dialog


A small cafe, reminiscent of the old Italian
coffeehouses of McDougall street in the village.
The espresso machine is a tentacled hairdo of brass piping and
weathered wood. Behind it stands a 19-year-old, pierced
BARRISTA, cute. It's raining.

RABBIT enters. Disheveled, eyes baggy from one too many
martinis and 4 hours of sleep. He orders a double shot of
espresso, overloads it with brown granulated sugar and
sits at a small table, looking out at the rain.

After a few moments, JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK enters, limping.
His uniform, the color of ancient urine, is torn.
He approaches the counter.

Saurian Brandy.
BARRISTA (incredulous)
KIRK (Looking around the room, confused)
Coffee then. You have? Coffee? KIRK takes his coffee--a large clumsy looking white mug, and walks over to RABBIT's table. After a pause, he sits down.
Long night?
RABBIT (nodding)
Yeah. I was playing Guild Wars: Factions until 2AM. Two martinis. No sleep.
Alliance battle? On the Front?
RABBIT (pauses)
You. Guild Wars. Must have been. some. struggle I was in sickbay... all night. Recovering from my... command... the day before. Someday. We'll make those
(scowls, spit coming out as he says)
Luxons pay.
No. No. I was under the city. I needed to rescue something I can't remember what.
What? Why?
(aggressive, with disbelief)
Wasting time. Down there in the muck It's just training for... the real war you know. It's not real. It's... holodeck. SMASH CUT TO: LONGSHOT FROM DOOR
Wait. Wrong captain.
Right, sorry about that. ZOOM TO: CLOSE ON RABBIT
But the war--I don't know. It just leaves me empty. I've been there so many times.
The chaos. A massive furball of churning flesh. The rapidfire click click click, the skill-chains.
(looks at KIRK)
It just seems so random.
Are you mad man!!?? It's brilliant. It's... it's art! It's blood! Honor! Glory! Good men... fighting at your side! CUT TO: MEDIUM SHOT KIRK grows agitated, stands up, pushes the chair behind him.
Wake up!!! We need men. Like you. On the line. There's no excuse!
RABBIT (sheepish)
But, but, I was fighting for the alliance, in my way. I was working for the Kurzicks.
Hah! Well... Someone has to fetch the water keep those of us on the line... fighting. RABBIT squints, turning his gaze back out the window. KIRK sits back down.
There's more to this than just the war you know! Have you stopped on the hills and taken a breath? Have you quieted your thoughts and listened--just listened? Have you given yourself to the world, so that it could give back? RABBIT fidgets, agitated. KIRK casually looks at his palm, still caked in blood. He wipes it on the front of his torn uniform, leaving a stain. KIRK gives RABBIT the STARE
RABBIT (standing dramatically)
No! You can't be! You're one of
one of them!
KIRK (quickly)
I don't know what you're talking about.
You! You press skip on the cutscenes don't you! You see a plot unfold, a story told and you... RABBIT's eyes go glassy and he stares into space. RABBIT sits, deflated. KIRK stands, quickly. Coffee spills. CUT TO: OVERHEAD MEDIUM, BEHIND RABBIT KIRK rages, his torn shirt falls open as he leans forward, revealing a muscular chest covered in sweat and blood.
Gods man! You... play your game. I'll play mine. You can wallow in your, your music your scenery and
But MY world... MY world needs MEN! KIRK, disgusted, turns to leave. CUT TO: RABBIT P.O.V
Where are you going?
Don't we have some common ground? Aren't we ultimately from the same world? Just different times? Different places? Different points of view? KIRK, looking over his shoulder, softens, turns around. He tosses a small, dog-tag-shaped coin on the table in front of RABBIT.
Go buy yourself some pretty armor for your assassin. I'm getting back in the FIGHT. Limping slightly, KIRK walks back out into the rain. RABBIT stares down into his coffee. The BARRISTA comes over and cleans up KIRK's mess.
BARRISTA (with innuendo)
Anything more?
No. Thanks. The BARRISTA walks back to the espresso machine. DISSOLVE TO: LONGSHOT, OVERHEAD
I guess there isn't. FADE TO: BLACK




Holy sh*t, rabbit.

EDIT: So good I had to read it again. Obvious where you loyalties lie, foul knave! But like a poor marksman you keep... missing... the target!

I can't stand plot in an online game.

Flavorful to the last drop. Thanks Rabbit.

Story FTW!

See thats why I think guild wars is so good. Story plus pvp, who could ask for anything more.

So let me get this straight...(I haven't gotten Factions yet, and barely scratched the surface of GW)

Kirk shows up on the new Factions continent??

Great piece, Rabbit. How many job offers have you had so far?

So... much... suffering...

I tried really really hard to figure out how to get "Khaaaaaaan!!!" in there...

And this IS my job offer! Dream job at that!

Zaque wrote:

See thats why I think guild wars is so good. Story plus pvp, who could ask for anything more.

Players who aren't obnoxious to play with?

Demosthenes wrote:

Players who aren't obnoxious to play with?

Turning off local chat and only grouping with people I know has solved that problem for me.

rabbit wrote:



Oh yeah, and you got Kirk spot on. I caught him playing Oblivion the other night and he was just fast-traveling everywhere. "Take the scenic route," I told him. "Admire the trees, the flowers." He just mumbled something about tree-huggers and long hair.

Great piece, Rabbit!

Kirk FTW.

Could we call this a game review? 'Cause if so this is easily the coolest one I've ever read.

I think I posted it as a review, didn't I? A little tongue in cheek, I suppose (thanks).

no idea what this has to do with gulid wars but it has KIRK in it, so yeah, Kirk pwns guildwars. Set phazers on kill the mountan troll and the people that nerfed the monks!

This is great, but I would not call it a game review - imho, a game review will answer some basic questions about the game. After reading this, I'm not even sure whether you like the game in question or not. Surely every game review ever written answers that, no?

However, as a Lobo-esque commentary in the form of a narrative, it's fantastically delicious. Don't get hung up on what I just said about reviews.

lol.. I have to say, you have to know a bit bout Guild Wars to be able to truly appreciate this review. But, everything in the entire commentary hit my funny bone factor. keep it up. That was pure chocolate.

Pretty good story hahah. A massive furball of churning flesh Good job