Exclusive Interview

Now I know most of the fans of the Gaming Report have been wondering where this humble feature has been these past few months. I know I've been missing this straight no-chaser double-shot of Facts™. I also know you must have some questions about its sudden disappearance. Where did it go? Why did it leave? Will someone hold me? Well never worry again, dear reader, because I'm back to answer all those questions and more.

You see, the Gaming Report has been moving up in the world. I've been busy sampling an array of the finest gaming's golden teat has to offer. Trays of cheese, special keychains and chairs with cushions, I've seen it all and done even more, my friends. Now I'm here to share the fruits of all this schmoozing with you, as I present the Gaming Report's first ever exclusive interview. Enjoy!

Linda: Hi, I'm Linda Fontaine from the Gaming Report and I'm here with Larry Dent and Mike Tully from Three Legged Dog Entertainment. We're here to discuss their as-yet unannounced project, right Larry?

Larry: Right Linda, so far we've refrained from discussing the nature of the project, but for the Gaming Report we're set to reveal some major information to your readers. For instance, here's a juicy bit of information. I'll let Mike fill you in on the details.

Mike: Yeah, the project? Well, it's a ... you could call it a game, I guess.

Linda: Exciting stuff fellas. I don't know about our readers but I'm already sold! Let's dig into the details a little bit and do some of that investigative journalism we're so fond of here at the Gaming Report. What's the name of this game?

Larry: It's a dynamic trademark that is almost a ready made brand. We think it gets across the basic ideas gamers need to understand: that it's a game, and it'll be great!

Mike: Pet Store Tycoon.

Linda: That sounds totally rad. There's nothing better than the cute little puppies, am I right my peeps?

Larry: In our game you get to explore the various dimensions of pet store ownership. You can operate a shop, set the prices and make sure children get to go home with their favorite pet. The gamer can even specialize their store to sell exotic birds, snakes, or adorable puppies. Whatever stock you buy automatically specializes your store.

Linda: So you would buy the animals, then? Where do you get them? Breeders? Shelters?

Larry: Our focus groups found the thought of shelters too depressing, so we allow the player to buy their stock from various types of animal production operations.

Mike: The puppy mills. Let's make sure to mention those puppy mills. Don't want to leave those out, do we? Huh? Do we!

Linda: For sure Mike, that feature sounds like a refreshing take on one of the genre staples. So what other things can gamers do with their stores?

Larry: Well, we wanted to move the emotional space of the gameplay beyond just simple supply and demand. So we allowed the gamer to make ethical choices. For instance, they could feed the animals, which would give them a good reputation with the community. Or, they could choose not to feed them, which would save them money that they could use to buy an even better reputation from the city council.

Linda: It's all about giving gamers choices with Pet Store Tycoon.

Larry: Right, then there's our animal behavior modification system.

Linda: Sounds amazing Larry, how does it work?

Larry: I'm not sure, the bullet point I read didn't go into details. Mike, could you fill us in on that?

Mike: Well, you can praise your animals and they will behave better toward customers. Though when happy, they will occasionally get excited and become unruly.

Linda: That sounds like it could be a problem.

Mike: Right, well ... *ahem* ... alternately you can ... discipline ... them.

Linda: Like putting dog sweaters on them?

Mike: Or ... umm ... *cough*

Linda: Or dressing them up like the children you never had?

Mike: Or beating them.

Linda: Ah, that sounds like a fun way to give the gamers choices with the gameplay.

Mike: Jesus Christ.

Linda: The gameplay really seems to shine with Pet Store Tycoon.

Mike: You're beating puppies!

Linda: You're right Mike, that does sound exciting! It's hard to believe what I'm hearing, Pet Store Tycoon sounds like a ridiculous amount of fun for only $49.95.

Mike: I just spent 2 months coding the puppy-limping routine! Do you know what that does to a man? How dead you feel each morning as you wake up to another day of beating virtual puppies? How the only way you can go home at the end of the day is to make them cry even louder than they did before? How you go home to face your wife, only to explain for the 12th time the limits to the force that can be applied to tiny virtual kitten legs? How she screams her boasts of infidelity from your front porch as you run to your car, tail between your legs like the endless parade of virtual beaten dogs you left behind at work?

Linda: Now, about the multiplayer mode?

Larry: Ah yes, we're calling it "Petstoretopia", it's a virtual online collection of gamers swapping stores, virtual money and prize animals. Mike's been helping playtest that one.

Mike: We're all bastards and monsters and we deserve to die.

Linda: That sounds super, Mike. Well, it looks like we're hitting the end of our interview, any closing thoughts gentlemen?

Larry: See you gamers in Petstoretopia!

Mike: Sweet, sweet Drano, my only friend.

Linda: Great, guys, thanks for the interview! This has been Linda Fontaine with the Gaming Report. Remember when you're craving some information, don't just settle for facts, make sure to get the Facts™! Only at the Gaming Report.


Mike: Sweet, sweet Drano, my only friend.


The words, they scare me. I'm guessing you are not completely enthralled by the state of the industry.

Nice writing, though. Game designers everywhere are speed-dialing their lawyers for restraining orders today.

Funny article. Also, slapping imps in Dungeon Keeper was fun.

My sides, they are splitting!

Bwhahahahaha! Sweet, sweet drano. Genius.

Prozac is your friend.

JimmDogg wrote:
Mike: Sweet, sweet Drano, my only friend.


This is beyond gold, man!

Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:
JimmDogg wrote:
Mike: Sweet, sweet Drano, my only friend.


This is beyond gold, man!


That was twisted. And silly. I like it.

Mike is funny

Cloke wrote:
Gorilla.800.lbs wrote:
JimmDogg wrote:
Mike: Sweet, sweet Drano, my only friend.


This is beyond gold, man!


This article is worth at least 10 bars of gold-pressed latinum.

That was awesome!

Nice interview Pyro. One can only assume Mike has spent a good deal of time at EA to come out of it with the taste of drano on his lips.

In other news. Prison Tycoon? WTF? Has the world gone mad?