The Final Word
Welcome to the second edition of the Gaming Report, the news report that's like being beaten with a length of hose. A hose filled with Facts. Make sure Mom's not looking, because we've got a hot button issue and I'm going to slurp down some Facts, straight from the hose.
One of the goals here at the Gaming Report is to keep you, the average gamer, informed about what's going on with the hobby we both love. Backroom deals between developers and publishers could mean the difference between your next favorite game coming out and the developers getting the pink slip at the end of the quarter. The financial instability of a publisher could kill a classic in the making. Right now a publisher is deciding what you'll be playing next year. When one of our crack investigative journalists digs up any such earth-shattering topic, you know the Gaming Report is going to bring it to you. Tonight we've unearthed one such topic.
Who is the most awesomest video game character, Link or Master Chief?
It's a rivalry that has ravaged the gaming scene for perhaps decades, which video game character is the most awesome? There have been many contenders over the years, however nobody authoritative has declared any one character to be the most awesome. The Gaming Report isn't here to do that, for we are just a humble beacon of integrity and sophistication in this wasteland we call the internet. No, we want to leave the choice up to you, the reader. We can help you though, by thoroughly investigating the competitors and presenting our findings to you. Then we can tell you which one is the most awesome. After that it's your choice, we're right or you're wrong. You decide.
Some of you might ask why there are only two characters in our competition. Why not Mario, Sephiroth, Samus Aran, Kyle Katarn or even that one cajun guy with the amulet, what's his name? Well, before I answer that question, I have a question for all the detractors out there. Why do you hate the Master Chief so much? He saved the world, the world you're standing in right now. What is this, is this how we welcome back heroes? For shame, America. If you're not American, well, I don't even know where to begin.
Let's explore both suitors to the throne of awesome.
Link is a character from the somewhat popular Zelda series of games, where Link is charged with recovering the ancient source of power, the Triforce. The Triforce usually is scattered all across Hyrule by the evil Gannon in an attempt to break Link's legs through walking too much. The all too clever Link finds a way to defeat Gannon's plan usually through very sturdy boots. Zelda is the name of Link's princess, who he saves in each game only to let her fall into Gannon's hands yet again by the time the next game starts.
Rumor has it that Zelda isn't really kidnapped by Gannon each time, but runs to his arms to flee her troubled and abusive domestic life with Link. Not able deal with the stress of a dead-end job or a mortgage, Link takes out his frustration the only way he knows how, with his colorfully-named "Master Sword". Bushes, barrels, grass, it seems anything within range during one of his drunken tantrums feels the might of his "Master Sword". This all came to a head recently after a particularly rowdy night for Link, which ended when Link's next door neighbor Ms. Gino found Link in the act with her prize chickens. From there on out, Link was forced by court order to sheath the "Master Sword" when it could be considered in view of the public.
(Update: The preceding paragraph is not true)
While Link's bizarre personal life is truly shocking, his professional record couldn't be less controversial. In each installment of the Zelda series he's managed to outwit Gannon at every turn and save the princess and the world, all while recovering the hidden pieces of the Triforce to restore peace and balance to Hyrule. His success rate is almost impossibly perfect. One odd discrepancy worth noting on his professional record, is that his age and appearance seem to change with each excursion into Hyrule. First he's a child, then an adult, then a child AND an adult, then some freakish alien looking thing that rides a talking boat. Some would say this lends credibility to the theory that there are multiple Links, each fulfilling the role after the previous Link has moved on. Some people would say that, people like me. I would say that.
While Link has saved the world before he learned how to shave more times than any of us will ever even attempt, I still feel fully qualified in dismissing his credibility as the most awesomest video game character. His twisted personal life is only overshadowed by his inability to handle his professional obligations without enlisting a virtual sweatshop of children to help him save the world. While some may endorse his child labor tactics, I cannot in good conscience. Therefore, the Gaming Report has no choice to disqualify Link in this competition.
The Master Chief is a cybernetic space marine from the future who has repeatedly saved the universe from destruction at the hand of fanatical aliens. This down to earth everyman has starred in the Halo series of games developed by Microsoft game studio Bungie. Before Bungie created Halo they were known for a some games with dwarves in them and the Marathon trilogy, which was inspired by the classic NES Track and Field games.
First topic of discussion would be Master Chief's professional record, which is stellar. Master Chief has not only saved the universe twice from imminent destruction, he did it each time with very large explosions. While it's true that Halo 2 doesn't actually end in an explosion, it's also true that Halo 2 doesn't end at all. I prefer to treat this as an invitation to "write your own ending", which my ending involves large explosions. Occasionally, it involves pudding.
In between saving the world and causing explosions Master Chief finds time to give back to the people. His charity work with the "Covenant Ate My Family" orphanage association is widely known, each year around Christmas time he dons the Santa armor and hands out presents to the orphans as "Santa Master Chief". The children line up to receive the presents, which the Master Chief hand carves himself. All in all, over 30,000 soap ducks are given to needy children at Christmas time each year.
Master Chief has this to say about his charity work, "Sure, it's hard work. But it's all worth it when you see a little orphan boy hobble over to you and say 'Thanks for the soap!' and I'll say 'But it's a duck!' and he says 'It doesn't look like a duck.' then you say he was swearing and get him detention for a week. It's the greatest feeling in the world."
Master Chief finds other ways to give back to the people of Earth. He has made extensive efforts to combat AIDS in Africa. When he raided the drug warehouse for anti-AIDS medication to practically give away on the African market, he was awarded the Nobel prize in Medicine, which he also liberated from the warehouse.
Peacemaking is another one of Master Chief's hobbies. In the middle of the campaign for Tau-Ceti, Master Chief took time out of his busy fighting schedule to hold a celebration with several leading delegates of the Covenant forces. He convinced the Earth leaders to provide extra rations for the feast, he convinced a local city to host a parade for peace, and he personally escorted the Covenant leaders' corpses as the guests of honor in the parade. It was truly a day of peace, for peace.
(Update: The preceding information is in no way based on fact)
Giving to the poor and unfortunate, healing the sick, acting as peacemaker, Master Chief is truly the King of Kings. Because of all his outstanding public service, and the tremendous amount of explosions he has caused, we are delighted to award Master Chief the "Most Awesomest Video Game Character Award". Unfortunately after his visit to our studio last week, we haven't been able to locate the award. I'm sure this will work itself out in time.
That's it for this week's edition of the Gaming Report. Join us next time when we dissect the tangled web of conspiracy known as "Which console is most likely to kick your ass?" and a follow-up on our expose titled "The Newest Videocard: Just how many chicks will it get you?"
This has been Pyroman[FO], sticking it to the gaming industry one Fact at a time.
Note: Milliseconds after this story was posted certain inaccuracies were brought to our attention. Because the Gaming Report strives for accuracy and reliability with it's investigations, I have corrected the article where applicable. Thank you.