The Zelda Diary Part 4: Zelda's Awakening

My recent trip to see the folks in Texas inspired me to do some handheld gaming. Four hours on a plane is a tall order, and sometimes, Tetris Worlds is all that will get you through. Except when your plane is diverted to Tulsa, due to inclement weather, and you end up sitting on an Oklahoma runway for three hours without food, water or booze. Then it's time for the big guns.

At the time, the only thing remotely close to a "big gun" I had with me was Zelda: Link's Awakening. So I decided to give it a shot again. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd played it, and I assumed that I set it aside because I got busy with other things - not because I hated it. Besides, a six-month break usually makes me hungry for almost anything again (except fish tacos). So I supposed that it was about time to finish the quest once and for all.

Several days later, I remembered why I'd started this whole damn thing to begin with, and also why I called it quits. Therefore, it is not without some ambiguity that I bring you the resurrection of an article series.

Day 11
Link's Awakening
GBA SP

It feels like I'm at the beginning of this game. Oh wait ... I am. I guess I didn't get very far before I gave up on it back in ... whenever that was. Man, how time flies when you're not playing video games. Stewardess? Yeah, keep the Dewar's coming, baby. Nice bow-tie.

Oh! Cuckoos! Have they been in all of these games? And ... damn this game likes telling you how to do stuff doesn't it? Yes, I know, that's too heavy to pick up, etc etc. Shut the hell up, I just touched it. Damn, dude. You think I'm going to try to pick up everything I touch? You're worse than my girlfriend. That rock means nothing, okay? I'll never see it again. It's not a threat.

Day 12
Link's Awakening
GBA SP / Gamecube + Gameboy Player

Yeah ... I've pwned this corner of the map. Wee boy. Oh hey, there's that stupid owl. Wow. I totally missed this chapter of the series. Is this the first instance of the owl? He's kind of a dick. If he knows so much, why doesn't he just spill? I mean, come on, dude, that stupid fish won't wake itself up, you know? And ... really ... a fish? I mean ... a fish? A sleeping fish? It's not even a princess. Or ... is ... it ...?

Okay, I'm stuck. Time for the walkthrough. Oh. SOME rocks you can move with your hands. That's lame. At least the game makes sense now. I mean, except for the part where you have to pick a "special mushroom," have the "witch" mix it into a "powder" for you and "sprinkle" some on this "raccoon" to make him trip out and show you where the key is ... ... ... dude these guys are high.

Day 13
Link's Awakening
Gamecube + Gameboy Player

The fairy says to relax, close my eyes and she'll get rid of all that stress ... damn ... last chick who told me that cost a hundred clams.

Hey, look! Mouldrum, my old friend. What a nice surprise. You piece of crap. And it's even got the thing where you fall down into the pit if you get hit and everything. It's like ... it's like they knew I was coming. I feel blessed. And hated. Simultaneously.

Well at least it wasn't as hard as before. Small favors and all that. He comes back, doesn't he? He comes back with a posse and a nine, I bet. Damn Mouldrum. Oh! How I hate you!

At least I got the violin of whatever. Wee. Seven more instruments to go ... one of them is an ocarina isn't it? This game series kind of makes more sense if you've been with it from the beginning. Like Babylon 5.

Day 14
Link's Awakening
Gamecube + Gameboy Player

Okay, so I need the walkthrough again. I need to find the dog and use him to eat the flowers to get to the ... see, it's not so much that the Japanese are foreign that makes them so incredibly odd. It's that they're INSANE. They're like little, happy elves.

All you need is a dog to eat the flower and everything will be alright because this hero comes back every generation to fight the evil that comes back every generation and he wakes the sleeping fish and ...

Dude. Go pray to the gods of peace or whatever and try to keep your weird-ass sh*t from infecting American soil, okay? Listen, I'm sorry about the bombs. Really. Had nothing to do with it, but I feel appropriately bad. Now please try to keep your big-eyed, high-pitched heroes over on your own side of the ocean, okay? Please?

Day 15
Link's Awakening
Gamecube + Gameboy Player

Okay this game cheats. I hate this game. First I get jumped on by a giant pair of testicles, then I have to *shudder* break the testicles apart and then beat them to death, except they keep jumping on me and it's like the computer knows where I'm standing or something. It's just not fair! I should be able to beat the testicles! Let me beat the testicles!

Oh, for crap's sake, I'm sick of this torture.

Day 16
Link's Awakening
Gamecube + Gameboy Player

I did it! I beat the testicles! And my prize? Yeah, baby! A cowbell! w00t. Let that be a lesson: Just when you think that all hope is lost, a hero in green will rise to beat back the evil, jumping testicles and retrieve the magical cow bell. See? And you thought magic was dead.

... to be continued ...

Comments

Is there a bit missing from your article? Or is 'And you thought magic was dead' the last line?

I must say that I nearly choked to death on my coffee when I got to day 15

Sorry 1Dgaf. I fixed it

Because the original Zelda games (Zelda, Link's Adventure, Link's Awakening, etc) have been around so long, I think we tend to forget just how cracked out they can be. For instance, in the first game, good luck ever figuring out who Dodongo was, and why he "dislike smoke". Or figuring out that the Moblin who literally "grumble grumble"s at you wants food (I mean, Moblins could have lots of things to grumble about. Maybe he just got dumped by his girlfriend. Maybe he just paid his taxes. Maybe he just has a case of the 'mondays'. Who knows?).

Old Nintendo games - and that includes Gameboy games - are arbitrarily insane. It's just part of the experience. It's fun hearing about your reactions to it, though :).

Hehehe. Well done Fletch. To be honest, Link's Awakening is one of my favorite games ever - it was much harder then the SNES Zelda, but that just gives you more pleasure when you end up beating the testicles. Stick with it. And stop using walkthroughs!

Ahh, that's more like it.

I'm not too familiar with the format of these articles. I think I'd appreciate them more if I could remember (or properly identify with) the objects, obstacles or themes you encountered in the games.

Fletcher wrote:
I beat the testicles! And my prize? Yeah, baby! A cowbell!

I got a fever! And the only prescription...

First I get jumped on by a giant pair of testicles, then I have to *shudder* break the testicles apart and then beat them to death, except they keep jumping on me and it's like the computer knows where I'm standing or something. It's just not fair! I should be able to beat the testicles! Let me beat the testicles!

Apparently this is what comes of chatting with Sanjuro for extended periods of time. Everywhere you look=testicles.

Is that really your name? Cuz if it is - my stalking is no longer fun.

But, the article was great fun, as always! You beat those testicles and you beat 'em good, Fletch!

SillyRabbit wrote:
Is that really your name? Cuz if it is - my stalking is no longer fun.

What the hell does that mean?

Fletcher wrote:
SillyRabbit wrote:
Is that really your name? Cuz if it is - my stalking is no longer fun.

What the hell does that mean?


Google knows all.

Fletcher wrote:
SillyRabbit wrote:
Is that really your name? Cuz if it is - my stalking is no longer fun.

What the hell does that mean?

I think that means that having your real name takes the challenge out of it. Either that or she found a picture of you and it spoiled her fantasies or something...

(I'd still beef up on the home security if I were you though, can't be too careful WRT those Kentuckians)

Edwin wrote:
Fletcher wrote:
SillyRabbit wrote:
Is that really your name? Cuz if it is - my stalking is no longer fun.

What the hell does that mean?


Google knows all.

Got it. Well, She could always go old school and get a van, park it outside my house, etc. Damn lazy 'Internet Generation' ...

What the hell did you think it meant anyway?

JoeBedurndurn wrote:
I think that means that having your real name takes the challenge out of it.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. I love to keep myself miserably frustrated and without hope of success at all times.

Besides, anybody who has played WoW with me can tell you that you are in no danger of me actually finding you!

Fletcher wrote:
Got it.

Yup. Otherwise, I'd be harder to find out whether the author of email messages which include memorable phrases like building spontaneously filled with eagle semen graces our little board here. Although, I suppose frequent readers here should have been able to recognize the style.

My apologies for contributing to the thread derail....

I'm not proud of that. It was a moment of weakness.