F3

E3 may go on without the Fletch this year, but I've decided that L.A. is overrated anyway. That's why this year I'm holding my own Expo, the F3 right here in my apartment.

Pre-registration is still open, but table space is limited, so you'd better sign up fast if you want to catch the hots at this shebang! (oh dear lord, this is depressing even to me )

The big news from F3 is that there's an open bar. That's right peeps. All you suckas out at the LACC won't be getting any of this action.

IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/images/F3_cocktail.jpg)

At F3, we serve only the finest spirits while we titillate your imagination with the latest hardware and software offerings. Speaking of which, Nintendo may not be at E3, but they're here in my apartment. That's right. Nintendo CEO Sushi Ginsusake put in an early appearance to demo a prototype of their next hardware platform.

Codename: Jemima

This baby is Nintendo's hottest handheld ever. Weighing in at just over six pounds, Jemima is fully backwards compatible. It plays NES, SNES, N64, Gameboy, Gameboy Color, GBA, and DS titles, and can whip up a batch of pancakes in just under 10 minutes. No word yet on wireless options, although pundits expect the unit to ship with a memory stick and a tub of lard.

IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/images/F3_Jemima.jpg)

Speaking of hot, I've got the skinny on the sequel to perhaps the hottest racing title on any platform.

Burnout 4

EA sent over their (I'm so sorry, really) top dog to promote the long-awaited sequel to Burnout 3: Takedown. Burnout 4 is supposed to feature all new vehicles, maps and games, but to be honest I couldn't get anything out of this rep. I grilled him for an hour and all he did was pee on the rug and collapse under the bed.

IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/images/F3_Burnout4.jpg)

But don't expect Microsoft to lay down on the job. They're here too with the hardware you've all been waiting to get your hands on. And guess what? I've played it.

Xbox 360

That's right, while all you E3-bound chumps will be paying through the nose just to look at one, I'll be playing mine. Here you can see the removable hard drive in both docked and undocked positions. Pretty slick. The big news with this unit is its wireless capability, and as you can see there are no cables at all. I wonder how they worked that magic?

IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/images/F3_Xbox360_Docked.jpg)
IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/images/F3_Xbox360_Undocked.jpg)

That's all the news that's fit to print from F3 today. I'm expecting big announcements from Sony as soon as I get back from Best Buy, and late Wednesday night we just might get an exclusive look at video from Bungie's latest, Zombies Ate My Halo!

Until then, stay tuned. I've gotta fly. My booth bunny will be over in an hour.

Comments

Oh man Fletcher, that was really really good and your (assuming it's yours) dog is very cute.

I was worried about Nintendo this generation but it seems they had an ace up their sleeves after all. Motherf*cking Pancakes. Who in their right mind doesn't like pancakes? I think even with inferior hardware and their trademark lack of 3rd-party support, they'll pull it out in the end. Especially if they ship the Syrup attachment by 06/2006.

The Xbox 360 is awesome. External hard drive and everything. I want one!

Everyone knows that everyone loves pancakes... until you eat pancakes... by the end of your pancake eating excursion, you're sick of them. That is, until the next time you eat them.

Demosthenes wrote:

Everyone knows that everyone loves pancakes... until you eat pancakes... by the end of your pancake eating excursion, you're sick of them. That is, until the next time you eat them.

Like Zelda!

Everyone knows that everyone loves pancakes... until you eat pancakes... by the end of your pancake eating excursion, you're sick of them. That is, until the next time you eat them.

This brings up a good point and a possible weakness in Nintendo's strategy. You see the conundrum you point out, which I like to call the "Pancake Question" has haunted philosophers and pastry chefs for centuries. The only real answer to the Pancake Question is milk, and the real crux here is "Does Nintendo have enough?" Enough what, you ask? Not enough milk, for anyone can buy milk at Walmart or the Japanese Equivalent, Walmartigato. The real power in the milking industry comes from one thing, udders. Nintendo will need some massive udders to handle the milk output required to keep the Pancake Revolution alive. What does this all lead to?

That's right, Nintendo is going to buy Eidos this week. You heard it here first, Lara Croft will be wearing a Mario hat by Friday.

I have to agree, I mean we all say, man I dont need to game when I'm waiting for a bus or in the dentist's office. Same with pancakes we say we dont need it but wouldn't it be cool to have em while waiting for the nurse to call ur name!

And to think I'm wasting all this time and money on e3., the supposed real McCoy, while the expo we all really want in on is happening over at Fletch's place. e3 may have booth babes, but you can bet there won't be any piping hot pancake action. Depressing.

Fletcher, your life is truly pathetic, and I hate everything about it, and, uhm.... aww sh*t I forgot how it goes...

[mitch]

Demosthenes wrote:

Everyone knows that everyone loves pancakes... until you eat pancakes... by the end of your pancake eating excursion, you're sick of them. That is, until the next time you eat them.

[/mitch]

Sweet. You saved me some typing.

That booth babe is a dog.

You know... Its wierd... but I thought Fletch was black... must have been the wayne brady icon thing! Oh well funny as hell anyway!

I was led to believe the Xbox 360 was white in hue, this exclusive of yours disappoints enormously.

Also I think it's hugely cheap that the publishers of Burnout 4 are using the Burnout 3 packaging but scribbled in "4" with a wax crayon. What is the industry coming to!

This years F3 will be the worst EVER!

painthappens wrote:

You know... Its wierd... but I thought Fletch was black...

I was born a poor black man.

This isn't a cat license! It's a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in crayon!

Hey, I think I'm nearby Fletch, when's registration start? Got any decent accomodations nearby? Are any other booth babes coming or is this gonna be another 'my wang has serious growth potential' kinda parties?

Fletcher1138 wrote:
painthappens wrote:

You know... Its wierd... but I thought Fletch was black...

I was born a poor black man.

Then either those aren't your arms or you shall be rich when you tell the world how you grafted white man hands to your body

Martini's at F3? And Pancakes? If you have chocolate chips for those cakes I am soooo there!

Genuinely Funny Fletch!

I realised it was a ruse though when my "Hyperbole Meter" (TM) didn't quite hit the required E3 heights.

S77

I heard Sony is going to unveil a new version of the PS3 later this week that whips up some waffles on the fly. From your veiwpoint Fletch, what does that mean for Nintendo? Are they anticipating that level of competition?

There were also rumors of a crepe-making X-Box 360, due out in 2007, but those are wholly unsubstantiated at this time.

Awesome.

I look forward to the write ups from the coming days of the show.

More pics!

Can we get some attendance numbers?

Tell us more about this open bar...

Tell us more about this all-you-can-eat booth babe buffet...

Man, Booth Babe Buffet would make an excellent all-chick rock band name.

Yeah, where are the booth babes?

Booth babe(s) should be in the next installment if I can get her to wear the outfit ...

The open bar will likewise be featured in an upcoming installment. I'm committed to keeping you guys filled in throughout the entire week of F3, or for as long as I'm sober enough to keep writing!

I'm not sure what the PS3 Waffle Edition will mean for Nintendo's Jemima. Everybody knows that pancakes are a thousand times better than waffles, but with Sony's Cell architecture, they can probably make some very detailed waffles. We'll have to see. I suppose it will depend on how many developers each side can line up before launch.

Everybody knows that pancakes are a thousand times better than waffles,

I know you did NOT just say that. Waffles kick so much ass compared to pancakes that it's not even funny.

Is the latest expansion coming with cel shaded sausage and bacon?

IMAGE(http://www.fotosearch.com/bigcomps/BDX/BDX126/bxp28020.jpg)

That EA Rep looks so familiar. With those blonde good looks and signature peeing on the rug, I know I've seem him somewhere before.

As for this Jemima console, I'm not so sure about it's ability to complete with lighter, less filling consoles. Too much of a good thing can backfire and quickly become a sticky mess when fans get their hands on it. For me, the make or break will be the whipped-cream add-on for adult gamers.

F3 sounds awesome, but I heard it was sold out already. Oh well, I'm looking forward to the news updates! Dude, move it a bigger venue next year!

Fletcher1138 wrote:

Booth babe(s) should be in the next installment if I can get her to wear the outfit ...

I hope you are not talking about the EA rep..

MS went French... Xbox 360 does crepes. Well...

Actually it has all the functionality of a George Foreman Grill. And its online with Xbox Stove (Butter and Creme versions)! Trade recipes or cook for your son remotely while he's away at college. He wont be able to escape broccoli that easily! And to think he actually conned you into paying for this no broccoli having college thingie!

BTW it had to be black. Noone cooks with white pans!