F3: the Aftermath
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Nearly * hundreds of thousands of attendees crowded apartment 28-B this week, seeking news and previews of the latest, greatest, hottest and nottest in the gaming biz. The apartment is slowly returning to normal, but our lives will never be the same.
We saw games (some great, some late *oh yeah, gots the rhyming shoes on mama* ), hardware (some hot some not *crap! I used that one already!*) and a whole lotta sweet, juicy ass, packaged to go.
While E3 in Los Angeles may have been the place to go for real news on real games and hardware, this F3 had more of what matters: class, baby. And nothing but.
* Editor's note: Å“nearly? denotes a number somewhere between zero and the number indicated.
For our F3 wrap-up, we've decided to break down this year's most talked about new games and gear into two categories: Good and Bad. Because we're so cool, we don't see the need to try to make up new words. The old ones will do just as shizzle.
Let's start with the bad. These two go from Badder to Badderer.
First up is the newest plug-in handheld device. Following on the heels of their successful Museum series, Namco is Beta testing the Namco Crapper. Loaded with five classic Namco Arcade titles, this device nevertheless disappoints. I found it to be clunky for left-handed wipers to use, and the interface could be cleaner.
Red Dead Revolver 2: Redder and Deader Revolver likewise suckerated. It was such a sucksicle, in fact, that it earned the coveted Fishbowl Award. Yet even Fishy was put off by the poor level design and uneven gameplay.
This next one sucked so much ass that it blew straight through from badderer to worstest without even stopping at kinda sucktacular.
Trying to cash in once again on gamers' obsession with the open-ended violence of the Grand Theft Auto franchise, Rockstar previewed their latest entry here at F3: GTA 5: Emerald City.
While the thought of playing as Tin Man with a machete, running through the streets of Emerald City and lopping the heads off of Lollypop Guild members initially gave me a woody, the repetitive gameplay and unimaginative score ultimately turned me off. Plus, how many times can you watch the Cowardly Lion throw Dorothy out of her SUV and rape her? I mean, really? It's kind of a one-punch line joke, if you ask this reviewer.
Despite a relatively high cool factor GTA 5: Emerald City nevertheless earned F3's throw this disc on top of the burning pile of junk mail award. And there was much rejoicing, to quote some old TV show.
After much deliberation, our panel of F3 judges has decided to award this year's Yeah Good award to Nintendo for their late announcement of an adult-oriented handheld device.
The Flask Boy is obviously an attempt to corner the drinking gamer market, and that's one market that this reviewer knows a thing or two about for sure! One has to question the wisdom of releasing yet another handheld into a crowded market, but if Nintendo CEO, Hiro Notantihiro, is to be believed when he says Å“The Flask Boy freakin' rocks, dude. Buy it, and we'll ship a hooker to your dorm room.? This device is a must-have.
And that's all the news that's fit to post from this year's F3. We leave you with a behind the scenes look at the F3 Media Center. As you know, one of the key draws of F3 was the open bar, but it appears that some journalists let their appetites get out of control.
Until next year, this is the F3 Patrol, signing off. That's Game Over, baby!