E3 Awards, Certis Edition!

Section: 

Intellivision, still better than watching UT2K4 flicker on the Phantom.

Frogger, the only way to enjoy Kentia Hall

I think we can all agree that IÂ'm both uncreative and lazy. That being the case, IÂ'm stealing ElysiumÂ's E3 awards article format and in a couple weeks IÂ'll talk about it like it was all my idea. Hopefully Elysium takes this credit theft like a man, I donÂ't want him crying about it like Pyro always does when I claim his notions for my own. LetÂ's get on with the article, I have a lot of verbal abuse to vent before my wedding hits on Saturday and I have to be Â"niceÂ" to my new in-laws. WhatÂ's up with that??

Best Booth of the Show – Infinium Labs (The Phantom)

The perfect place to get away from it all was definitely the Phantom booth. It was mostly empty, quiet and packed with big leather couches and bean bag chairs! Sure you had to deflect some questions from the PR people like Â"Why wonÂ't you talk to me?? Please! Oh god, why doesnÂ't anyone care??Â" while you tried to nap but for the most part it was the best place to get away from it all. My favorite part about the Phantom booth was the one girl who was showing off the machine and answering questions asked by one of the Infinium executives because no one else cared enough to show any curiosity about the device.

She pretended he wasnÂ't her boss and everything, it was cute.

Not even the promise of couches can hold a man long

Worst Musical Decision of the Trip – Not bringing my own damn CDs

The only thing worse than LA rush hour is listening to ElysiumÂ's musical collection of The Counting Crows, Matchbox 20 and any other schlock released before 1998 in LA rush hour. The man has the musical taste of a limp noodle.

Worst Game of the Show – Rumble Roses

ThereÂ's nothing quite as sad as watching desperate-to-escape booth babes making awkward poses with sweaty nerds in a makeshift wrestling ring while in the background video screens flash images of women wrestling in the mud and performing the special Â"my crotch twirling around your faceÂ" move.

I was too ashamed of the game industry to try it myself but it looked like most of the action was framed to focus on butt-shots rather than show any gameplay. I took a photo of the Rumble Roses girls asÂ"… evidence.

Desperation, thy name is Orange

Worst Abuse of the Word Â"c*ckÂ" - Pyro 

PyroÂ's constant and random use of the word Â"c*ckÂ" (take that, Google searchers!) was truly legendary. Everything from calling us c*cks to demanding we rename the clubs suit in a deck of cards to Â"c*cksÂ" instead. IÂ'll admit, Â"the queen of c*cksÂ" is a funny phrase but only the first time you hear it. DonÂ't even ask about PyroÂ's idea for an E3 feature. LetÂ's just say it involved developers, bathrooms and a camera. Yikes.

Biggest Surprise of the Show – Everquest 2

I was truly expecting to be underwhelmed by Everquest 2 but after watching their canned presentation and playing with the tutorial I couldnÂ't help but be impressed. The graphics are incredibly good, the animations and voice acting I saw were top notch and the interface was very workable while leaving most of the screen open to show the environment. Whether or not the final product will bear fruit is still up in the air but IÂ'm way more interested in trying the beta than I was before.

Best Moment of the Show – Meeting my new best friend Warren Spector

We were heading out of the show for the day when we stumbled across Warren watching some poor sap playing Thief 3. The area was mostly clear and I leaned over to Elysium and pointed out that Warren Spector was standing right behind us and I was totally going to get a picture with him. I got my photo and proceeded to talk to him for a good ten minutes while Elysium played Thief wrong and incurred some Warren-style wrath for his trouble. He was nice, well-spoken and incredibly slippery when talking about Deus Ex 2. He also smelled like coffee, probably because thatÂ's what he was drinking. Awesome.

Oh, and because weÂ're so close he told me they were working on Deus Ex 3 next and he was going to be WAY more hands-on with this one than the last few games.

Where's my hand? Why is Warren so happy?

Best Hangover – Sway

During the GWJ Meet & Geek SwayÂ's lovely wife would order a drink and if SwayÂ's was still half full she would pour some of hers in there to top it off. This combined with SwayÂ's usual binge drinking made for a great morning after when Sway and I sat on the shuttle bus and I made silent bets with myself on how long it would take before he ralphed. A true professional, Sway managed to make it all the way to E3 and even held it together when we stood up, thinking the bus was stopped, and suddenly got thrown forward as what must have been one of the idiots from G4 TV slamming into the front of the parked bus because he was too busy trying to look cool while talking into his headset to notice it.

Way to hold it in Sway, my shoes thank you.

The first step is admitting you like beer too much

Best Loser at Football – Elysium

First I beat him at Madden 2005 after a masterful two point conversion at the last second. Even better, Sway and Pyro were there to witness my awesome play as an EA rep snickered at ElysiumÂ's inept defense. The next day we moved to SEGAÂ's booth where I whooped Elysium 14 – 0 at ESPN Football 2005. I was hoping to see some tears but he kept it together pretty well.

Saddest Showing – SEGA

Oh SEGA, itÂ's a sad day indeed when your BIG ANNOUNCEMENT is publishing The Matrix Online and the only interesting games in your area are sports titles. What happened to my Dreamcast-making SEGA? Why are they producing lame 3D beat-em-ups instead of Money Ball 3? Argh!

Nowhere to go but up!

Biggest Jerks – Electronic Arts PR Desk Bitches

Certis: Hi there, I know the guy demoing the new Golden Eye game and IÂ'd like to see it.

EA PR Harridan: Hisss! IÂ'll club your bearded friend and eat his bones human!Â"

Certis: ThatÂ's fine, can I see the game after youÂ're done?

EA PR Banchee: NOOO! YOUÂ'RE NOT EARMARKED AS IMPORTANT PRESS!

Certis: IÂ'll earmark you!

And then I ripped her ear off and wore it on a string around my neck. True story.

Best Game You Can Play Soon – Full Spectrum Warrior

Full Spectrum Warrior is hitting shelves June 1st for the Xbox and itÂ's really, really great. Coop over Xbox live, an incredibly tactical experience and excellent controls. Way more fun than I was expecting.

Best Display of Inappropriate Touching by a Developer – Richard Â"Lord BritishÂ" Garriot

Pyro enjoyed the full NCSoft treatment when Lord British made his move and went for some inappropriate touching. What you see in this image is only a chilling prelude to what came after.

My, what a manly shoulder you have peasent

Best Game of the Show – Rome: Total War

Like Elysium said even though it was totally my idea first, Halo 2 was great but it wasnÂ't anything incredibly new. Same goes for Half-Life 2, I wish we could have played the game instead of just watching a recording of someone else having fun. That being the case, Rome: Total War looks like an awesome, almost-complete re-imagining of the Total War series. It was fully playable, every element from the original games looked vastly improved and thereÂ's some solid design built in that knocked my socks off. I canÂ't wait for this fall!

- Certis

Comments

The only thing worse than LA rush hour is listening to Elysium's musical collection of The Counting Crows, Matchbox 20 and any other schlock released before 1998 in LA rush hour. The man has the musical taste of a limp noodle.

Yuck- well, that'll teach you.

Best Loser at Football – Elysium

First I beat him at Madden 2005 after a masterful two point conversion at the last second. Even better, Sway and Pyro were there to witness my awesome play as an EA rep snickered at Elysium's inept defense. The next day we moved to SEGA's booth where I whooped Elysium 14 – 0 at ESPN Football 2005. I was hoping to see some tears but he kept it together pretty well.

That's gotta be the first time Canada has ever beaten the U.S. in football- thanks Elysium.

Pyro enjoyed the full NCSoft treatment when Lord British made his move and went for some inappropriate touching. What you see in this image is only a chilling prelude to what came after.

I noticed Pyro seemed... different since his return from E3. That is a truly horrifying image.

Pyro enjoyed the full NCSoft treatment when Lord British made his move and went for some inappropriate touching. What you see in this image is only a chilling prelude to what came after.

Wow. That guy on the left looks like he wants to touch Pyro in inexplicable places. Also, why does Pyro (guy on right) look like a British Unmitigated Noodle? Or Bun for short.

...Matchbox 20 ... The man has the musical taste of a limp noodle.

How dare you insult Rob Thomas! You shall pay dearly for this, Canadian Fool!
YOU'VE SIGNED YOUR OWN DEATH WARRANT, CERTIS!

Edit:
Oh... uh... I really liked the E3 round up. Having perused pretty much the entire internet during and post-E3, GWJ's stuff feels like it was actually written by human beings as opposed to being assembled from press release generating machines.
The only other place where I feel one could get honest reactions is from Penny Arcade.

Pyro enjoyed the full NCSoft treatment when Lord British made his move and went for some inappropriate touching. What you see in this image is only a chilling prelude to what came after.

Hey if you have to be gropped at a trade show at least it was by a king Hell of all the developers out there I think I'd be happy it was Richard Garriot and not say John Romaro You just know he'd want to spoon afterwords while wimpering about diakata (sp?).

Pyro wore that BSOD shirt to get geek respect; little did he know it would garner *way* more attention than he had intended. Bonus!

painthappens wrote:

Hell of all the developers out there I think I'd be happy it was Richard Garriot and not say John Romaro :D

I would be glad it wasn't Derek Smart.

**Edit** I just looked at that picture real close. The one posted on the front page. I swear it is Derek Smart playing Pac-Man.

ok, just so i can put faces to the names...
please, who's who?
IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/albums/album10/IMG_0085.thumb.jpg)

I see Ely, Certis and now i can spot Pyro. but who's the rest?
in order please...

Certis wrote:

The only thing worse than LA rush hour is listening to Elysium's musical collection of The Counting Crows, Matchbox 20 and any other schlock released before 1998 in LA rush hour. The man has the musical taste of a limp noodle.

You just couldn't go a weekend without Jennifer Lopez or Justin Timberlake, could you? Or better yet, D-12? Wait, is that the name of their band?

EDIT: groan, it's in the pictures section, but I think the guy in the back right is Stric9 and in the right fore is fangblackbone

It goes Elysium,girlie beer, Pyro, Certis, Stric9, Sway, Fang.

Pyro enjoyed the full NCSoft treatment when Lord British made his move and went for some inappropriate touching. What you see in this image is only a chilling prelude to what came after.

While the whole NCSoft presentation was really very enjoyable, meeting Richard Garriot was another highlight of the show for me. He may have had a few stinkers lately, but those can be chalked up to EA interference and Tabula Rasa looks like a truly different MMORPG. He's a great speaker and he really seems like he's trying to make his own game instead of an EQ clone, which is rare for an MMO. In fact NCSoft seemed to be the only company trying to make a different kind of MMO game, with the possible exception of Jump to Lightspeed though that's even debateable (after all, it's just Galaxies in space). Guild Wars, Auto Assault and Tabula Rasa all looked very different from EQ.

Plus the man owns a castle. It's not every day I get to stand next to a man that owns his own castle.

Pyroman[FO] wrote:

Auto Assault

Whaat? Do mine eyes deceive me? Netdevil had a booth? Hey, Veloxi, NetDevil had a booth!

They had a pretty big booth, Auto Assault was playable. The media demo showed some promise, I am a little more intrigued to learn that the guys who did Jumpgate are doing Auto Assault.

I also had Coldplay. It was awesome.

Man, I wish I'd thought of doing a best-of roundup.

Good to see LB dig up those old poofy shirts from the 80's...

seriously though..

We really need another old school Ultima 7 type RPG game from him...

DO IT MAN! with updated graphics..

"Worst Game of the Show – Rumble Roses

There's nothing quite as sad as watching desperate-to-escape booth babes making awkward poses with sweaty nerds in a makeshift wrestling ring while in the background video screens flash images of women wrestling in the mud and performing the special "my crotch twirling around your face" move."

Man, now what am I going to do when they have not seperated my "games" from my "porn". No seriously this will still sell a million copies to 12 yr olds and writers for gaming sites.

Worst Musical Decision of the Trip – Not bringing my own damn CDs

Bring an i-Pod. Less crap to bring in your carry-on bags, and it saves room for the portable DVD player.

Worst Abuse of the Word "c*ck" - Pyro

Wait...I think I'm missing something...oh, yes, my sense of surprise. This is Pyro we're talking about, remember:

IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/modules/PNphpBB2/images/avatars/upload/cm_small.gif)

Best Moment of the Show – Meeting my new best friend Warren Spector

*glances side to side, starts to back away*

Best Hangover – Sway

Look, sonny boy, three Coronas don't constitute drinking. Out here, we drink that for soda pop.

Best Display of Inappropriate Touching by a Developer – Richard "Lord British" Garriot

Let's see, Certis gets chummy with Warren Spector, Pyro gets his avatar touched by Lord British. What else happened? Sway does tequila shots with Derek Smart and Elysium sings karoke with Will Wright?

Best Game of the Show – Rome: Total War

Admit it, it was the chicks handing out the grapes and the flaming pigs that sold you.

Elysium sings karoke with Will Wright?

He was too scared to talk to Will Wright. He just stood there and quietly wet his pants.

Admit it, it was the chicks handing out the grapes and the flaming pigs that sold you.

Let's just say flaming pigs and free grapes is a one way ticket to stellar review town!

Good stuff. We need more E3's! Now what do we have to look forward to? I wouldn't mind getting into the EQ2 beta. Is it still only open to those who purchased champions of norrath, or whatever game it was?

Beta signups for EQ2 are over Propa. Did you miss it?

Biggest Jerks – Electronic Arts PR Desk Bitches

Certis: Hi there, I know the guy demoing the new Golden Eye game and I'd like to see it.

EA PR Harridan: Hisss! I'll club your bearded friend and eat his bones human!"

Certis: That's fine, can I see the game after you're done?

EA PR Banchee: NOOO! YOU'RE NOT EARMARKED AS IMPORTANT PRESS!

Certis: I'll earmark you!

And then I ripped her ear off and wore it on a string around my neck. True story.

Things was, in the next ten minutes or so she'd already grown a new one

Elysium wrote:

I also had Coldplay. It was awesome.

Man, I wish I'd thought of doing a best-of roundup.

When you goto bars do you say "What does a puss rocker have to do to get a brew around here?!?"

Your music tastes fit you so well.

Flux wrote:

Beta signups for EQ2 are over Propa. Did you miss it?

Yeah, I guess I did. I thought they were only for people who bought champions of norrath, or one of the expansions. I signed up for the eq2 beta giveaway at mmorpg.com, though. Ah well. I'd love to either get into GW, WoW, and now the EQ2, beta.

Btw, where's that WoW beta preview Certis?!?!

Btw, where's that WoW beta preview Certis?!?!

I think we will see the preview after the honeymoon.

I think Flux is about right!

Oh yeah, you're getting married. Can I have your beta while you're busy?

Elysium wrote:

I also had Coldplay. It was awesome.

Man, I wish I'd thought of doing a best-of roundup.

Actually that redeems you a bit- they're pretty good.

Coldplay is damn good. You are now ok with me Elysium.

Coldplay? I seem to remember a certain Elysium referring to them as "crap" the first time he heard them...which would have been 3 years ago when I introduced him to Coldplay. Credit where it is due, dear brother.

What you've never understood is that everything begins at the crap end of the spectrum for me, and must earn a place higher. Your post, for example, is crap, partly because it's the first time I've read it and that's where everything starts, but more because you're a big jerk.

As far as Ely and Corona, he just got confused as to what a beer from "south of the border" meant. Yes, Ely, we know Minnesota is in fact south of the Canadian border.