Elysium is a whore. You're going to find in the following interview that I mention that fact over and over again and he will confirm it almost every time he opens his mouth. I hope you enjoy the journey as we delve into Elysium's frightening and twisted mind and figure out exactly what makes him tick. Don't let the following picture fool you, he's pure, sleepy evil.
Look at the sleepy child under his thrall as he slowly absorbes its precious life-energy. Evil! Read on for the interview and uncover shocking new truths about the man, the legend, the C to the E to the Oh oh-hizzy.
Certis: You know, it may be way too late to be doing this. I'm exhausted.
Elysium: Well, I'm all in my jammies with my warm milk, and Mr. Cuddles is waiting all snuggled on my pillow, so let's make this snappy.
Certis: Ok, where do you and Mr.Cuddles live?
Elysium: Wow, that's all you got. You just come all up in this interview and let the Mr. Cuddles thing hang there like a wet rag. I'll forgive your witlessness because you're sleepy or something, but know that I regard you as I would a small child picking its own nose. We live in Minnesota.
Certis: Oh, so you live in Little Canada. How nice! You said "we" right? I assume you're referring to more than just you and Mr.Cuddles.
Elysium: Yes, there are several of us here in Little Canada - honestly, there's no denying that one. Mr. Cuddles, of course, and my wife with her bedroom eyes and come hither stare. We also have a small incontinent person who appears to speak no language and demands constant attention.
Certis: That's gotta either be Sway, my grandpa or a baby.
Moving along, tell me what sort of games you like to play. And by "play" I mean "whine like a little bitch when Certis hands me my head on a platter"
Elysium: You make it sound like that's special. Damn, I whine like a bitch if someone turns on the dishwasher while I'm watching tv, or when all the ice melts in my lemonade too fast. I would also like to make it clear to the readers that I'm being coerced into not speaking my mind, lest Certis dredge up out-of-context quotes and a host of lies. To answer the question, I find myself pretty engaged by FPS games these days ... lots of Unreal Tournament 2004, Far Cry, and such at the moment. I have an unhealthy relationship with Everquest that is best described as on-again/off-again. Hell, I'm a whore. I'll play pretty much anything.
Certis: I agree on the whore part, you're a complete whore. If you were a game, you'd be Elysium:Total Whore.
Elysium: Yeah, well if you were a game you'd be shut up. Did I mention it's late and I'm in my friggin' jammies?!
Certis: Shut up about the damn jammies! Wait, will you be bringing the jammies to E3?
Elysium: Look, if we could we get through E3 with a minimum of homoerotic overtones I'd be a pretty happy guy.
Certis: Pyro is going to get crabby if he doesn't get his spooning time you know. He's already chosen you to be his personal "Mr.Cuddles." Aside from a lot of inappropriate touching, what are you expecting E3 to be like?
Elysium: Increasingly, I'm expecting it to be a troubling event where I sleep with a knife under my pillow. Aside from that I expect it to be quite a lot of fun. A lot of you doing some much needed work making contacts for the site, and me wandering around in a starry eyed daze coming up with witty observational humor to write about. Also, I plan to paint you with sheep pheromones so Pyro becomes confused in his advances.
Certis: I like how I'm stuck with the real work while you indulge in the delusion that you're witty.
Elysium: Yeah, I like that too.
Certis: It's time to let our readers in on a deep dark secret, you ready?
Elysium: I thought we agreed. What happens in Tijuana, stays in Tijuana!
Certis: No, that's not the secret. This is worse, much worse. We discussed... AT LENGTH.. doing an online gaming radio show. Admit it!
Elysium: First, it's important to put the blame squarely on the shoulders upon which it belongs; namely yours. Your idea, not mine. Second, we both came to the conclusion that it would devolve into a cacophony of stammering nonsense and perhaps some drunken singing toward the end.
Which might not be that bad, I don't know.
Certis: That was my idea? I must have been more drunk than usual. I mean, we get talking on Team Speak and I start thinking that maybe the world should have a share of our brilliant and witty conversations.
Elysium: Isn't that how we got into this mess in the first place? You, almost certainly drunk, and me naturally suggestive and indulging in flights of fancy. Dude, we should start our own site! Yeah, hooray, I'll be funny and you can do all the work. I don't know why I listen to you at all.
Certis: This neatly brings us right back to the fact that you're a whore. Tell me, before you embarrass yourself any further, what's your fondest gaming memory?
Elysium: Well, a few minutes ago I thwacked you pretty good in Rise of Nations. That was nice. Actually, my fondest memory is of playing Carmaggedon - of all things - in an old computer gaming club I helped start. We even got the university to sanction us as a legitimate group and everything. It was one of the first experiences I had with a LAN game, and it was so fantastically frenetic and visceral. We really had the best time.
Certis: For all your fancy words and bookish ways your favorite memory isn't Zork or some other text adventure. Oh no, it's Carmaggeadon. A keen insight into the mind of a whore I'd say, what a great interview this is turning out to be!
Elysium: If it makes you feel better, I taunted them with polysyllabic words and a rage of highly literate scorn when I beat them all. Besides, it wasn't Carmageddon like you know, there was this multiplayer mode called Fox and Hounds. It was like suckling upon the very nectar of life, its lusciousness warming your insides like a fiery hearth!
Certis: Although it's been discussed at length, tell me something new and exiting about how it is you came about working on GWJ.
Elysium: So, something new we haven't mentioned in this interview, in the forums, or in the two articles I wrote about starting GWJ? I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it, but I was really quite excited when you mentioned the idea back some year and a half ago. I had been thinking at the time about submitting a review to some of the larger sites or mags, maybe trying to get into some kind of freelance gig. And then you came along with your master plan of impotence and anonymity, a lost voice among a great throng, calling to the distance ... God, it's like I'm incapable of shutting my yap.
Certis: I have nothing to add to the above statement aside from being in full agreement. Any last words for your adoring fan?
Elysium: Yeah, I'm not entirely certain why people have stuck with us, but I'm certainly glad they have. Whether it's for the commentary, the community, or the constant deconstruction of Pyro's sexual proclivities, a fantastic group of people read and contribute to GWJ every day, and I thank them for that.
See, Certis, kissing the readers asses every now and again goes a long way tow ... wait is this still on?