Elysium (CEO)

Elysium is a whore. You're going to find in the following interview that I mention that fact over and over again and he will confirm it almost every time he opens his mouth. I hope you enjoy the journey as we delve into Elysium's frightening and twisted mind and figure out exactly what makes him tick. Don't let the following picture fool you, he's pure, sleepy evil.

Look at the sleepy child under his thrall as he slowly absorbes its precious life-energy. Evil! Read on for the interview and uncover shocking new truths about the man, the legend, the C to the E to the Oh oh-hizzy.

Certis: You know, it may be way too late to be doing this. I'm exhausted.

Elysium: Well, I'm all in my jammies with my warm milk, and Mr. Cuddles is waiting all snuggled on my pillow, so let's make this snappy.

Certis: Ok, where do you and Mr.Cuddles live?

Elysium: Wow, that's all you got. You just come all up in this interview and let the Mr. Cuddles thing hang there like a wet rag. I'll forgive your witlessness because you're sleepy or something, but know that I regard you as I would a small child picking its own nose. We live in Minnesota.

Certis: Oh, so you live in Little Canada. How nice! You said "we" right? I assume you're referring to more than just you and Mr.Cuddles.

Elysium: Yes, there are several of us here in Little Canada - honestly, there's no denying that one. Mr. Cuddles, of course, and my wife with her bedroom eyes and come hither stare. We also have a small incontinent person who appears to speak no language and demands constant attention.

Certis: That's gotta either be Sway, my grandpa or a baby.

Moving along, tell me what sort of games you like to play. And by "play" I mean "whine like a little bitch when Certis hands me my head on a platter"

Elysium: You make it sound like that's special. Damn, I whine like a bitch if someone turns on the dishwasher while I'm watching tv, or when all the ice melts in my lemonade too fast. I would also like to make it clear to the readers that I'm being coerced into not speaking my mind, lest Certis dredge up out-of-context quotes and a host of lies. To answer the question, I find myself pretty engaged by FPS games these days ... lots of Unreal Tournament 2004, Far Cry, and such at the moment. I have an unhealthy relationship with Everquest that is best described as on-again/off-again. Hell, I'm a whore. I'll play pretty much anything.

Certis: I agree on the whore part, you're a complete whore. If you were a game, you'd be Elysium:Total Whore.

Elysium: Yeah, well if you were a game you'd be shut up. Did I mention it's late and I'm in my friggin' jammies?!

Certis: Shut up about the damn jammies! Wait, will you be bringing the jammies to E3?

Elysium: Look, if we could we get through E3 with a minimum of homoerotic overtones I'd be a pretty happy guy.

Certis: Pyro is going to get crabby if he doesn't get his spooning time you know. He's already chosen you to be his personal "Mr.Cuddles." Aside from a lot of inappropriate touching, what are you expecting E3 to be like?

Elysium: Increasingly, I'm expecting it to be a troubling event where I sleep with a knife under my pillow. Aside from that I expect it to be quite a lot of fun. A lot of you doing some much needed work making contacts for the site, and me wandering around in a starry eyed daze coming up with witty observational humor to write about. Also, I plan to paint you with sheep pheromones so Pyro becomes confused in his advances.

Certis: I like how I'm stuck with the real work while you indulge in the delusion that you're witty.

Elysium: Yeah, I like that too.

Certis: It's time to let our readers in on a deep dark secret, you ready?

Elysium: I thought we agreed. What happens in Tijuana, stays in Tijuana!

Certis: No, that's not the secret. This is worse, much worse. We discussed... AT LENGTH.. doing an online gaming radio show. Admit it!

Elysium: First, it's important to put the blame squarely on the shoulders upon which it belongs; namely yours. Your idea, not mine. Second, we both came to the conclusion that it would devolve into a cacophony of stammering nonsense and perhaps some drunken singing toward the end.

Which might not be that bad, I don't know.

Certis: That was my idea? I must have been more drunk than usual. I mean, we get talking on Team Speak and I start thinking that maybe the world should have a share of our brilliant and witty conversations.

Elysium: Isn't that how we got into this mess in the first place? You, almost certainly drunk, and me naturally suggestive and indulging in flights of fancy. Dude, we should start our own site! Yeah, hooray, I'll be funny and you can do all the work. I don't know why I listen to you at all.

Certis: This neatly brings us right back to the fact that you're a whore. Tell me, before you embarrass yourself any further, what's your fondest gaming memory?

Elysium: Well, a few minutes ago I thwacked you pretty good in Rise of Nations. That was nice. Actually, my fondest memory is of playing Carmaggedon - of all things - in an old computer gaming club I helped start. We even got the university to sanction us as a legitimate group and everything. It was one of the first experiences I had with a LAN game, and it was so fantastically frenetic and visceral. We really had the best time.

Certis: For all your fancy words and bookish ways your favorite memory isn't Zork or some other text adventure. Oh no, it's Carmaggeadon. A keen insight into the mind of a whore I'd say, what a great interview this is turning out to be!

Elysium: If it makes you feel better, I taunted them with polysyllabic words and a rage of highly literate scorn when I beat them all. Besides, it wasn't Carmageddon like you know, there was this multiplayer mode called Fox and Hounds. It was like suckling upon the very nectar of life, its lusciousness warming your insides like a fiery hearth!

Certis: Although it's been discussed at length, tell me something new and exiting about how it is you came about working on GWJ.

Elysium: So, something new we haven't mentioned in this interview, in the forums, or in the two articles I wrote about starting GWJ? I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it, but I was really quite excited when you mentioned the idea back some year and a half ago. I had been thinking at the time about submitting a review to some of the larger sites or mags, maybe trying to get into some kind of freelance gig. And then you came along with your master plan of impotence and anonymity, a lost voice among a great throng, calling to the distance ... God, it's like I'm incapable of shutting my yap.

Certis: I have nothing to add to the above statement aside from being in full agreement. Any last words for your adoring fan?

Elysium: Yeah, I'm not entirely certain why people have stuck with us, but I'm certainly glad they have. Whether it's for the commentary, the community, or the constant deconstruction of Pyro's sexual proclivities, a fantastic group of people read and contribute to GWJ every day, and I thank them for that.

See, Certis, kissing the readers asses every now and again goes a long way tow ... wait is this still on?

Comments

Is it just me or does it look like the baby in the picture is about to rip off some facial hair?

I'm still picturing the E3 accomodations being somewhat like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles in a pillowy sense. I haven't quite worked out whose hands will be between whose cheeks, but I envision it being an almost harmonious, circular arrangement whereby everyone can share in the humiliation.

Push two queen-sized beds together and you've got a lot of real estate.

Certis: That was my idea? I must have been more drunk than usual. I mean, we get talking on Team Speak and I start thinking that maybe the world should have a share of our brilliant and witty conversations.

Actually it was my idea, you credit-stealing jackass. You actually shot me down because you thought it'd be too hard to do. But no, that's okay, even though I'll be called upon to make it work, you know, the hard part. You can take the credit, it's fine. I'll just turn the other cheek, be the big man about it.

On another topic, anybody know how to make a shank out of what can be found in a Los Angeles hotel room?

Pyroman[FO] wrote:

Actually it was my idea, you credit-stealing jackass.

All in favor of changing Certis' tag to "Credit Stealing Jackass"?

Actually it was my idea, you credit-stealing jackass. You actually shot me down because you thought it'd be too hard to do. But no, that's okay, even though I'll be called upon to make it work, you know, the hard part. You can take the credit, it's fine. I'll just turn the other cheek, be the big man about it.

Pyro, your ideas have no merit until I have them a few days later, you know that.

Rat Boy wrote:

All in favor of changing Certis' tag to "Credit Stealing Jackass"?

I am firmly in favor of that, being the butt of a previous Certis tag change. Firmly.

Out of Context Theater wrote:

I am firmly in favor of that ... butt ... Firmly.

Pyro, your ideas have no merit until I have them a few days later, you know that.

Just like the Weekly Wrap-up, huh?
Pyro:Hey guys I have a great idea for this news roundtable thingy
Certis:You know Pyro, Elysium and I were thinking of an idea very similar to yours, in fact it's exactly like yours. Except it's ours. We're creative dynamos!

Pyroman[FO] wrote:
Pyro, your ideas have no merit until I have them a few days later, you know that.

Just like the Weekly Wrap-up, huh?
Pyro:Hey guys I have a great idea for this news roundtable thingy
Certis:You know Pyro, Elysium and I were thinking of an idea very similar to yours, in fact it's exactly like yours. Except it's ours. We're creative dynamos!

Nice try Pyro. But we all know that only Elysium would use a word like 'dynamos'.

I am laughing at a lot at the interview and the thread. Great interview guys. Allows us to peer into the seedy mind of Elysium.

Is it just me or does it look like the baby in the picture is about to rip off some facial hair?

No, that baby is about to steal his beard. Pure evil, just like the father. Isn't that cute.

I'm betting there's true gems in the GWJ teamspeak sessions. So, who's recording them for posterity?

Pyroman[FO] wrote:
Pyro, your ideas have no merit until I have them a few days later, you know that.

Just like the Weekly Wrap-up, huh?
Pyro:Hey guys I have a great idea for this news roundtable thingy
Certis:You know Pyro, Elysium and I were thinking of an idea very similar to yours, in fact it's exactly like yours. Except it's ours. We're creative dynamos!

That's comedy gold right there folks. Earned a genuine belly laugh!

There were a couple great ones tonight in BFV:

RichyRambo: I can't seem to get my shovel turned on.

and

Alien13z: Your ass spawned in my face. So I shot it.

It's nice to see that Elysium looks just like his avatar, right down to those whore-ish wings.

I wander who's gonna interview Certis? His splinter, "good" personality?

Fantastico! Muy muy guapo! Errrr.... bajo... bueno!

Pyroman wrote:

On another topic, anybody know how to make a shank out of what can be found in a Los Angeles hotel room?

One now comes with each room. Don't pay inflated honor bar prices, though - the popular LA Mike's Shack O' Shanks chain has much better deals.

Pyro wrote:

On another topic, anybody know how to make a shank out of what can be found in a Los Angeles hotel room?

You know, I fully expected this to degenerate into more Pyro/spooning comments...

The baby is cute. The "interview" is a total drivel.

I concur. Baby=cute, interview=drivel, Pyro=butt pirate.

But the interview did make me laugh however. Heck, drivel always makes me laugh. Just hearing the word drivel is humorous. TeeHeeteehee.

The "interview" is a total drivel.

Can you think of anyone who would have actually wanted a substantive interview with me? Drivel is just the way we were going.

I'm aware that Elysium insists in being compared to Banky, but on that photo right there he looks like Silent Bob's lost brother I swear.

ColdForged wrote:
Rat Boy wrote:

All in favor of changing Certis' tag to "Credit Stealing Jackass"?

I am firmly in favor of that, being the butt of a previous Certis tag change. Firmly.

What about 'Credit Eliding Ox' so he can keep his CEO title?

Spunior wrote:

I'm aware that Elysium insists in being compared to Banky, but on that photo right there he looks like Silent Bob's lost brother I swear.

I was thinking George Michael. Only with less "gay hunk" and more "gay Minnesotan". I mean, just "regular Minnesotan"

Pyroman[FO] wrote:

On another topic, anybody know how to make a shank out of what can be found in a Los Angeles hotel room?

Check the Gideons' Bible when you get there, Pyro. I think they all come with a shank now, so that families can play Passion of the Christ if the kids get bored.

Cloke wrote:
Pyroman[FO] wrote:

On another topic, anybody know how to make a shank out of what can be found in a Los Angeles hotel room?

Check the Gideons' Bible when you get there, Pyro. I think they all come with a shank now, so that families can play Passion of the Christ if the kids get bored.

I hear you might be able to download the screenplay somewhere on the internet. I'd tell you the ending Pyro, but lets just say someone gets betrayed, there is a singing scene, and people get depressed.

Hmmm, jammies, shanks and spoons... The horror stories that are bound to come out of E3 are going to be pricelss. Just remember, Pyro and Elysium, to set up a "release word" in advance.