Pyroman[FO] is a real mystery to the GWJ crew. He's single, he knows programming, he's an excellent writer and he keeps his gotee well trimmed. He doesn't belong here, he should be off hosting Tech TV with that freak who wears a kilt all the time. Pyro would fit right in!Ã‚Â
Certis: You're from the south right? Is it true you like grits? Like in Reaper's stories?
Pyroman[FO]: Sadly, Reaper's stories are only partially true. All the hot sex, unbelievable skills and stories of lesbian conversion due to my massive sex appeal are all true. However, I have never eaten grits in my life. Nor have I wrestled a hawg, went to a rodeo or shot a deer. Most of the people I knew growing up had done one of the three though. I did watch the Dukes of Hazzard growing up, if that counts.
Certis: So did I so no, it really doesn't count. At least, I hope not. Speaking of Dukes of Hazard, what do you do for a living?
Pyroman[FO]: I am a UNIX programmer for Northrop Grumman. Despite being a military contractor I have yet to find out which spaceship they sent Jimmy Hoffa off on, nor have I gotten to shoot anyone to cover up anything. The X-Files totally lied to me.
Certis: Don't you usually do GWJ-related programming at work? What do you REALLY do there?
Pyroman[FO]: Listen, you're a foreigner so maybe you don't understand. You get shot for dispensing classified information in this country. It's not like Canada where they stop by and politely ask you to cease while smacking your moose with a wiffle bat. I know that moose is your only mode of transportation along with your best friend but it's just bruising his ego. Back on topic, I have a healthy mix of my work projects with work on GWJ to further enrich my programming skills. Basically I am a slackass.
Certis: Sounds like you need a taste of Canadian wiffle bat justice you uppity American pig-dog! *Deep breath* Ok, I'm better now. Tell me about your bitch.
Pyroman[FO]: I thought you were going to do your own profile.
Certis: I meant your dog, asshole.
Pyroman[FO]: My dog's asshole is none of your business, are you some kind of pervert?
Certis: I put a comma between "dog" and "asshole" for a reason you know. You got a new puppy a while back, how's that working for you?
Pyroman[FO]: She's not dead yet, that's for sure. She also stopped peeing on everything and hasn't eaten any of my clothing in a while. I'd say it's going pretty good.
Was that an excuse to get a picture of my dog?
Certis: If you have a picture, I'll slap it up.
Certis:/> Nice doggy. Moving on, you're going to be to the only single man in the GWJ crew attending E3, how will you handle all that responsibility. We have to live vicariously through you after all
Pyroman[FO]: I plan to stand next to you guys with your wedding rings prominently displayed and work that Pyro magic. Basically falling to my knees begging while trying not to throw up, as I'm sure I'll have had alot to drink at this point. This plan also allows me to take pictures of women rubbing up against all of you for blackmail purposes.
Certis: To be clear, I'll still be ring free at E3. I'll get home six days before my wedding. Anyways, blackmail is a concern, we'll "deal" with that at E3. Moving on, what kind of games do you find yourself playing most often?
Pyroman[FO]: I go through FPS phases and then Strategy phases. I also play alot of oddball stuff that I missed before, whatever shows up from Gamefly. I'm about to tear into Sacred and I'm playing alot of Kingdom of Loathing (http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/), so maybe I'm on an RPG kick. Then again, maybe I enjoy destroying Weretacos and Crossdressing Gnolls with my Extreme Ray of Something. Basically, I'll play anything that I can sit down and enjoy in the first 20 minutes.
Certis: What's your fondest gaming memory?
Pyroman[FO]: Damn, that's a tough one. I can't say whether or not it's the fondest, but it's the one that will stick with me. In Planescape Torment, after the bout with Ravel in the Maze, I kept reloading and trying all the different dialog choices until I could get Annah to kiss me. I didn't really realize till much later how odd that really was. At that point, for me, Planescape turned from a numbers game about getting the best possible ending into a real story. I really cared about the characters. At the end of the game, I didn't care what happened to my character, I wanted the best possible ending for my party, especially Annah. Yeah it's sappy, but it's one of the few times a game has really gotten to me. When my character met his fate at the end, I felt he deserved it. It's a difficult act to repeat. So far it hasn't been, for me.
Certis: You're one of the younger guys in the GWJ crew, how old are you now?
Pyroman[FO]: 23. I think. After 21 they all start to blur together.
Certis: They become less exciting, that's for sure. I think it will stop blurring once you're close to 30 and ready to start panicking. What brought you onto the GWJ team?
Pyroman[FO]: I started reading when you opened, I recognized alot of old EA posters and thought it'd be pretty cool. Then you started whining about needing PHP help and you seemed so pathetic that I decided to help you out. You were so impressed with my mad skills I think you wanted to make me King of the Site. However I declined and decided to keep the CEO structure intact and just took all your passwords instead. Did I say passwords? I meant praise. Ever since I've been helping out of a mix of pity and self-loathing. Actually, in all honesty it's just the community here. There's a great community here and I really enjoy hanging around and helping out. I'd still be here even if I didn't have all the swag, status and women being on the GWJ staff brings. Oh wait, I am still here, which I guess proves my point.
Certis: It's funny, you came out help with tech stuff and then all of a sudden you wanted to post content and I was too afraid to stop you. Good thing it turns out you're a solid and funny writer, I don't know how many bad articles we would be willing to suffer through for your incredible programming skills otherwise.
Pyroman[FO]: Obviously a few since I'm still posting :)
Certis: Once the site is all stable, I'm bringing the hammer down! Any last words for the three readers still reading this interview?
Pyroman[FO]: I'd just like to go on the record about cake. I like it.
Certis: Really now, it took you six minutes to come up with that? This interview is over!