Pyroman[FO]

Pyroman[FO] is a real mystery to the GWJ crew. He's single, he knows programming, he's an excellent writer and he keeps his gotee well trimmed. He doesn't belong here, he should be off hosting Tech TV with that freak who wears a kilt all the time. Pyro would fit right in! 

Just who is Pyroman[FO] and what is he doing here?

Certis: You're from the south right? Is it true you like grits? Like in Reaper's stories?

Pyroman[FO]: Sadly, Reaper's stories are only partially true. All the hot sex, unbelievable skills and stories of lesbian conversion due to my massive sex appeal are all true. However, I have never eaten grits in my life. Nor have I wrestled a hawg, went to a rodeo or shot a deer. Most of the people I knew growing up had done one of the three though. I did watch the Dukes of Hazzard growing up, if that counts.

Certis: So did I so no, it really doesn't count. At least, I hope not. Speaking of Dukes of Hazard, what do you do for a living?

Pyroman[FO]: I am a UNIX programmer for Northrop Grumman. Despite being a military contractor I have yet to find out which spaceship they sent Jimmy Hoffa off on, nor have I gotten to shoot anyone to cover up anything. The X-Files totally lied to me.

Certis: Don't you usually do GWJ-related programming at work? What do you REALLY do there?

Pyroman[FO]: Listen, you're a foreigner so maybe you don't understand. You get shot for dispensing classified information in this country. It's not like Canada where they stop by and politely ask you to cease while smacking your moose with a wiffle bat. I know that moose is your only mode of transportation along with your best friend but it's just bruising his ego. Back on topic, I have a healthy mix of my work projects with work on GWJ to further enrich my programming skills. Basically I am a slackass.

Certis: Sounds like you need a taste of Canadian wiffle bat justice you uppity American pig-dog! *Deep breath* Ok, I'm better now. Tell me about your bitch.

Pyroman[FO]: I thought you were going to do your own profile.

Certis: I meant your dog, asshole.

Pyroman[FO]: My dog's asshole is none of your business, are you some kind of pervert?

Certis: I put a comma between "dog" and "asshole" for a reason you know. You got a new puppy a while back, how's that working for you?

Pyroman[FO]: She's not dead yet, that's for sure. She also stopped peeing on everything and hasn't eaten any of my clothing in a while. I'd say it's going pretty good.

Was that an excuse to get a picture of my dog?

Certis: If you have a picture, I'll slap it up.

Woof Woof!

Certis:/> Nice doggy. Moving on, you're going to be to the only single man in the GWJ crew attending E3, how will you handle all that responsibility. We have to live vicariously through you after all

Pyroman[FO]: I plan to stand next to you guys with your wedding rings prominently displayed and work that Pyro magic. Basically falling to my knees begging while trying not to throw up, as I'm sure I'll have had alot to drink at this point. This plan also allows me to take pictures of women rubbing up against all of you for blackmail purposes.

Certis: To be clear, I'll still be ring free at E3. I'll get home six days before my wedding. Anyways, blackmail is a concern, we'll "deal" with that at E3. Moving on, what kind of games do you find yourself playing most often?

Pyroman[FO]: I go through FPS phases and then Strategy phases. I also play alot of oddball stuff that I missed before, whatever shows up from Gamefly. I'm about to tear into Sacred and I'm playing alot of Kingdom of Loathing (http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/), so maybe I'm on an RPG kick. Then again, maybe I enjoy destroying Weretacos and Crossdressing Gnolls with my Extreme Ray of Something. Basically, I'll play anything that I can sit down and enjoy in the first 20 minutes.

Certis: What's your fondest gaming memory?

Pyroman[FO]: Damn, that's a tough one. I can't say whether or not it's the fondest, but it's the one that will stick with me. In Planescape Torment, after the bout with Ravel in the Maze, I kept reloading and trying all the different dialog choices until I could get Annah to kiss me. I didn't really realize till much later how odd that really was. At that point, for me, Planescape turned from a numbers game about getting the best possible ending into a real story. I really cared about the characters. At the end of the game, I didn't care what happened to my character, I wanted the best possible ending for my party, especially Annah. Yeah it's sappy, but it's one of the few times a game has really gotten to me. When my character met his fate at the end, I felt he deserved it. It's a difficult act to repeat. So far it hasn't been, for me.

Certis: You're one of the younger guys in the GWJ crew, how old are you now?

Pyroman[FO]: 23. I think. After 21 they all start to blur together.

Certis: They become less exciting, that's for sure. I think it will stop blurring once you're close to 30 and ready to start panicking. What brought you onto the GWJ team?

Pyroman[FO]: I started reading when you opened, I recognized alot of old EA posters and thought it'd be pretty cool. Then you started whining about needing PHP help and you seemed so pathetic that I decided to help you out. You were so impressed with my mad skills I think you wanted to make me King of the Site. However I declined and decided to keep the CEO structure intact and just took all your passwords instead. Did I say passwords? I meant praise. Ever since I've been helping out of a mix of pity and self-loathing. Actually, in all honesty it's just the community here. There's a great community here and I really enjoy hanging around and helping out. I'd still be here even if I didn't have all the swag, status and women being on the GWJ staff brings. Oh wait, I am still here, which I guess proves my point.

Certis: It's funny, you came out help with tech stuff and then all of a sudden you wanted to post content and I was too afraid to stop you. Good thing it turns out you're a solid and funny writer, I don't know how many bad articles we would be willing to suffer through for your incredible programming skills otherwise.

Pyroman[FO]: Obviously a few since I'm still posting :)

Certis: Once the site is all stable, I'm bringing the hammer down! Any last words for the three readers still reading this interview?

Pyroman[FO]: I'd just like to go on the record about cake. I like it.

Certis: Really now, it took you six minutes to come up with that? This interview is over!

Comments

Looks like a beer drinker to me!

Ha ha! Mooses are so funny. Meese. Moosen. Er, a group of Moose.

Looks like a beer drinker to me!

Yeah that dog looks pretty tipsy to me too.

All this time I thought this guy with the kelet in the pants was Pyro. I feel kinda cold and disillusioned now.

So you mean...he's.... not a crossdressing llama radiated to look like a dancing man-body part/programmer?

To reference the above post...

I pictured him greener...and bouncing...and in a dirty shape.

Pyroman[FO]: I'd just like to go on the record about cake. I like it.

One day I'll get you to see the power of cookies! Cakes are for the weak-minded, Pyro! They're the mass-man's baked good opiate! You need to transcend your simple cake paradigm and see the greater truths inherent in a pro-cookie stance.

23? sh*t, I'm older than Pyro? Well, that's ruined my afternoon.

Would some body explain what the hell is that green thing... I looked through the linked site for more info but got nothing except this...
IMAGE(http://www.geocities.com/keletmuseum/diekelet.gif)

That dog pic. Look at his stretched arm. Seems as if he's choking the poor doggy.

He kind of looks like Daniel Bedingfield.

Best interview yet.

Awesome interview. Can't wait to see more!

Awesome interview!

I do think we should rename the website Smartasses with Jobs, though (myself included in said description)

Don't encourage him guys. He really is a big asshole that likes to make babies cry from pepper spray that comes out of his mouth. In other words, I've been friends with him for like a decade or so.

He kind of looks like Daniel Bedingfield.

Take it back! Take it back! I'd never heard of the guy but a few seconds on his website makes me very afraid.

One day I'll get you to see the power of cookies! Cakes are for the weak-minded, Pyro! They're the mass-man's baked good opiate! You need to transcend your simple cake paradigm and see the greater truths inherent in a pro-cookie stance.

Cookies are a fine dessert, don't get me wrong. They have many fine qualities, especially the big cookies. Pies are also fine desserts. It's simply a matter of reliability. When I want a dessert, I can pick up a cake most anywhere and it'll taste pretty good. Cookies are reliable enough, however you usually have to resort to the shrink-wrapped mass-marketed cookies as the big or homemade kind are somewhat hard to find. Pies are quite unreliable, as they are highly dependent on the quality of the filling. Furthermore, I enjoy pies with a consistent filling such as caramel or chocolate pies, and those are hard to find as people tend to enjoy more common pies such as apple or cherry. Cake, however, can be found in any supermarket with a bakery. Cake is rather hard to mess up and easy to create different variations upon. The combinations of the different flavors of frosting and cake along are astounding. In conclusion, cake is good. So very good.

KrazyTaco[FO] wrote:

Don't encourage him guys. He really is a big asshole that likes to make babies cry from pepper spray that comes out of his mouth. In other words, I've been friends with him for like a decade or so.

For the record, that didn't come out of my mouth. I merely shot you with it. Also, while you did cry like a big baby, you were definitely much older than that. You should also expect pepper spray when you are a known homosexual rapist and try to "put the moves" on a badass such as myself.

Pie is the unquestioned God of desserts, bar none. Cake is mostly air and sugar, and the colors used in frosting never occur in nature. Furthermore, you can get an actual
"edible" PICTURE screened on a cake. That's disturbing, and proves that a boring cake needs to go through aesthetic transformations to make it a supposedly worthwhile consumptive. Pie, on the other hand, is compact, efficient, and allows for limitless variations. You can put anything in a pie, and it will be good. In short, pie is always better than cake. Pie rules, cake drools!

You guys are nuts. Everyone knows that Muffins are the "bomb diggity". Why you ask? Thats because not only can you make them blueberry, but you can make them strawberry or any other berrys. Also when was the last time did you see a cake or pie for breakfast? Never, that's right!

Good stuff. Next time, though, could you guys try to get a close up shot?

Also when was the last time did you see a cake or pie for breakfast?

The last time I had cake in the house when I woke up.

Pyroman[FO] wrote:
Also when was the last time did you see a cake or pie for breakfast?

The last time I had cake in the house when I woke up.

Touche...

Wow, 23. A young man still.

Cute dog too. Young with a dog. You're life is set.

I keep waiting for Spunior to paint the dog light green and to Photoshop it into a Galloping Green Child Hating Mutated Penis Monster.

Rat Boy wrote:

I keep waiting for Spunior to paint the dog light green and to Photoshop it into a Galloping Green Child Hating Mutated Penis Monster.

Good god man. Don't give him any ideas!

On the cake/Cookie/Pie debate... Three Words: Shoe Fly Pie <--- might be giving his location away with that one... most of you probably never heard of it... for the record... its a Pie with gooie stuff at the bottom and a cakey layer at the top... sorta a pie/cake in one Yes Shoe Fly Pie's pimp hand is strong!

Just keep the insulin auto-injector nearby...

Cake wins. Cake stomps all over those puny little pies with big, stompy pie-crushing boots.

Because you can't do this with pie.

Alien Love Gardener wrote:

Cake wins. Cake stomps all over those puny little pies with big, stompy pie-crushing boots.

Because you can't do this with pie.

Ah, But remember what you can do with a pie?

We're talking about which is the better *dessert* here, remember?

Or perhaps you like your pies with added protein?