I want to be honest with you guys, because I think you deserve it. I'm just waiting here for the phone to ring and the Gamestop employee on the other end to say that my copy of Knights of the Old Republic is in before I hit .5 over lightspeed down to my Gamestop. Now I don't want to imply that I'm just doing some updating to kill time, which is why I'm just going to outright state it as fact.Now, I might just as easily pass said time in front of the television dial turned to channel eight-thousand fifty-four where they've wedged G4-TV between the Crepe Network (all crepes, all the time) and PTV (Polka Tv), but I'm increasingly of the mind that doing so is both foolish, and leaves me wishing I'd taken up quilting instead of gaming. For what seemed to be a good idea, that of a gamer television network, I can't decide if G4 is just poorly implemented or if it really wasn't all that good an idea to begin with.
Some might suggest that I'm just bitter because G4 has never called up GWJ for an interview, and perhaps they're right. I'm fairly sure I have more insight into the industry than the guys they talk to randomly in the park, the ones who think one of gaming's best moments was the end of Super Metroid because even a dead Samus is a hot Samus (oh, how I wish I were joking), so I'm more than willing to bow to the power of my sour grapes. It's part of my whole new being honest thing.
Oops, hang on. Phone. Damn, just someone trying to get their hands on my money again through solicitation. Really, how have I fooled so many people into thinking I won't default on pretty much any credit given?
As I mentioned, I've always been somewhat under the illusion that a gamer television network could fill a niche the way some good spackle filled the hole I punched in the wall after Certis beat me at Battlefield 1942. I figured, what with all the people who play video games, such a network could not only provide a wide array of entertainment but also bust some unpleasant cultural stereotypes. As anyone who's seen the G4 show Portal can tell you, the network has a long way to go.
Just to be clear on the kind of programming we're talking about, for those of you who don't receive G4, Portal is a show in which some number of people play and record their antics in a variety of MMORPGs including Anarchy Online, Everquest, Dark Age of Camelot, and Asheron's Call 2. Within the games try to act out what I can only assume is a preconceived script through a soap opera storytelling format, and then broadcast the images of the game put to voices that make Midtown Madness 3's seem positively adorable by comparison. You know, I used to create complex plots when playing with my Transformers as a kid, but I never pitched the idea of broadcasting it as a television show: Will Soundwave survive the fall from the precipice of the bed? Will Optimus Prime get his arm back from the great German Shepherd of Vericon 4? Will Wheeljack be stepped on again and again and again? Find out next week!
Maybe Portal is the worst show on the network. Heck, maybe it's even the worst show ever conceived, I can't say for certain as I've not seen everything G4 has to offer, and I don't hold out a lot of faith that the quality is going to dramatically improve. I grant that it's a young network, that it's almost certainly struggling for both sponsorship and advertising dollars. But, honestly, if I'd like to see pretty much every host of every show pushed into traffic, it makes it that much more difficult to foster an audience.
A final note to the kid who expended a surprising amount of breath to tell the world in a very sarcastic way why Mandy Moore's portrayal of Aeris in Kingdom Hearts was so personally offensive and clearly a travesty to the art form, please don't trouble yourself to speak in front of a camera ever again. This includes still pictures, as we'll be able to imagine that your flapping yap is on about Aeris again, and really it just makes us want to staple those lips shut. Despite your impassioned words, Aeris isn't on the plane, the bus, or even the same golfcart with Ophelia or Juliet when it comes to tragic feminine figures. Her big claim to fame, it seems to me, is dying in a Squaresoft game and managing to stay dead. I don't know, maybe she came back later in the game, I pretty much quit playing Final Fantasy VII halfway through disc 2.
For those of you wondering, I'm working through a lot of my cynicism this morning, so that I may approach Knights of the Old Republic with a fresh childlike innocense. Hey, maybe someone should film me playing KOTOR and make a television show out of it! I'm sure everyone would watch!